Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU to want him to cancel this holiday?

166 replies

AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 19:35

Have been with DP 4 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 years in but he got cold feet and ended the relationship.

I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.

Last night we were talking about where to go in honeymoon and I said a place I’ve always wanted to go to as the ultimate romantic destination. Then he dropped the bombshell that when we were broken up, he had agreed to go to this destination with his best mate, his wife and their children once Covid allowed.

They haven’t booked it yet but he’s adamant about not letting them down. Part of the issue is that he had agreed to pay half for the air bnb.

But my heart is absolutely set on this as our honeymoon destination and I’ve always dreamed that it would be a once in a lifetime trip with the man I love.

AIBU to want him to cancel his holiday? I am happy to cover what he would have paid to his friend.

OP posts:
OliviaNewtAndJohn · 27/07/2021 00:01

Is he very wealthy? Does he have a special interest hobby like snorkelling or sailing or rescuing orangutans? Unless he’s an absolute favourite family friend, or a very close relative, it seems really odd to take that sort of destination two/week holiday with a young family. Huge chunk out of his annual leave and finances, and why isn’t he putting aside his holiday leave for his honeymoon? Sounds like he’s avoiding a commitment to you and being disingenuous about it.

Onthedunes · 27/07/2021 00:24

Walk away op.

If this man is not going to prioritise you now he never will.

You deserve better.

Don't marry someone who has dumped you then used you during lockdown.

If you put up with this god knows what compromises you will have to put up with in the future.

Polishtheboards · 27/07/2021 00:38

I’m getting a ménage a trois vibe here

Maskedrevenger · 27/07/2021 01:14

For me it would be all about where his priorities lie? It’s not about holiday/ honeymoon destinations and these friends. Have you actually made wedding plans or is he putting that off but merrily going ahead with the holiday plans? Were you just convenient during lockdown but he doesn’t really see a future together and he’s too chicken shit to tell you and is hoping he can force you make that decision as he doesn’t want to be the bad guy again. When I got married years ago we didn’t have a fancy honeymoon at all, for various reasons but also we just didn’t have the money. I never doubted that my DH wanted to marry me and I was definitely his priority, fancy honeymoons don’t make a good marriage do you actually both want to get married I would be way more concerned about getting that clarification rather than focusing on a honeymoon destination.

Polkadots2021 · 27/07/2021 07:52

@AmITheAsshole

Why can’t he go twice?

It’s a really expensive place to fly to and is a sort of once in a lifetime destination

Massive red flags OP. If it's a once in a lifetime destination and he chooses to third wheel with his mates family there instead of spending his honeymoon there, then is this really a good sign for the relationship?!
SummerWhisper · 27/07/2021 07:56

What @Onthedunes said 100%

He is prepared to let you down

You are 2nd best

The wife doesn't like you. Does she have feelings for your fiancé by any chance?

He will not be letting them down - there is no booking and his life has dramatically changed.

If you are confident that your marriage will go ahead in March, book this holiday for April. Put a deposit down. It's a small price to pay to get to the truth of his commitment to you. Book it, before she does!

bigbaggyeyes · 27/07/2021 08:05

I’m feeling really despondent. I think deep down I knew he was going to find something to break us up again

This sounds like a really negative statement.. if you feel like this every-time you hit a problem you're not going to stay married very long. All couples hit bumps in the road, you need to work with him to resolve this. Not automatically see it as relationship ending

I've asked this before, why can't he go twice? Is it because he can't afford to? Or is it that you want him to experience the place for the first time with you?

I do find it odd he'd want to go with his friends, or that his friends would want him there, if it was me I'd rather keep you happy, especially on your honeymoon, but maybe it's less important to him than you. Does he know how upset and confused you are. I think you need to sit down with him and have a 'cards in table' conversation if it's really important to you

Ughmaybenot · 27/07/2021 08:18

I think the real issue here is how you’re feeling about the relationship generally. It seems you bubbles together as neither had any other option rather than truly wanting to be together, further proven by the fact you’d just gone six months more or less NC, he rushed into a proposal, and now you say you’re planning a wedding but appear to have very little set in stone. It’s all rather flakey. Personally I think he’s getting cold feet, again, and this is all a waste of your time.

Ughmaybenot · 27/07/2021 08:18

Also… is it Bali?

Aprilx · 27/07/2021 08:34

I find it funny (weird funny) when posters hold back innocuous information because it is “outing” (apparently). I mean somebody will either recognise this scenario in real life or they won’t. They are not going to only recognise it because OP clarifies it is Seychelles not the Maldives per the guesses. 😅

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 27/07/2021 08:35

I’m guessing it’s a great diving destination and he and his pal are really into diving.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was:

  1. you are absolutely not out of order for wanting to go to the place you want on honeymoon. All the people telling you to just go somewhere else are being silly and contrarian.

  2. It would be one thing if it happened to be a place he had been to before in the past, but for him to deliberately choose to go there with other people just before you go is definitely out of order and speaks volumes about his priorities.

  3. The most important thing is what this says about the fragility of your relationship. Over the years (and decades!) married couples encounter lots of situations in which their wants or views differ. What keeps people together is how they deal with those disagreements: open discussion, understanding, mutual caring, compromise. I can’t see that going on in your relationship. So I have to ask, do you think it’s strong enough for marriage to be a realistic prospect?

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 27/07/2021 08:39

PS. The obvious compromise would be for him to say to his friend that they should book it for later next year - AFTER your honeymoon. So he goes there with you first. Simple.

30mph · 27/07/2021 08:46

Have you considered that he isn't good enough for you?

Perhaps him calling off things previously has created an imbalance that makes you insecure, and you are unconsciously lowering your standards. If so, I'd say your current concern means you are trying to tell yourself something. Try and think about this objectively for a moment.

You are preparing to commit to a relationship with a life partner. Potential father to your children. What are the criteria you'd expect such a person to fulfill? You already know what you'd bring to such a commitment. Does he also meet your needs and aspirations for a fulfilling, happy, life together?

SStopRaisingHim · 27/07/2021 08:58

Flipping heck… it’s just a glorified holiday.

I think you’re looking for something to confirm he’s committed or not. Once this issue blows past you’ll find another.

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2021 09:05

It does all sound a bit odd I must say. If it's a typical idyllic honeymoon destination, why on earth does he want to be the gooseberry with the friends?
I'd be questioning why he feels the need to prioritise the wife because he doesn't want to stress her out and disappoint her but he's fine with disappointing you!
You need to sit down with him and work this out. Before March.

mummabubs · 27/07/2021 09:05

I understand why you feel sad about this situation. I think all of the back story bits about whether he's truly committed to your relationship aside...

It should be a joint choice where you go on honeymoon OP, marriage is literally all about meeting in the middle! Our honeymoon destination definitely isn't where I'd have chosen (Maldives for me 100%!), but I love hot beach destinations and my husband loves the cold and skiing... So we were never going to both be 100% sold. We ended up going to Budapest in January, which was a new experience for both of us! So maybe regardless of what his plans are with going with his friend it would be good to sit down and agree where you'd both like to honeymoon as opposed to just you?

Viddy2021 · 27/07/2021 09:25

Are we missing some information? Who are these friends, exactly?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/07/2021 11:55

Just go somewhere else on your honeymoon.

I guarantee you he won't go on that holiday with his mate, his mates wife and their kids. Thats just an excuse/lie.

Also, if you're supposed to be getting married in March you're cutting it really fine to book things up.

Yeah, actually, i'm getting the feeling he just doesn't want to marry you but was happy to have someone during lockdown, sorry.

allyjay · 27/07/2021 14:28

I would be pissed off if my dp wanted to go on holiday with a woman who allegedly didn't like me. I'd be seriously considering his commitment to me if he insisted on going.

CanofCant · 27/07/2021 14:31

It's just another sign of his lack of commitment to you isn't it? 4 years together and he only lived with you and proposed when options were limited. That sounds horrible and it's a reflection on him, not you. I've been in a similar relationship, always hoping that one day I would be his first priority but I only was when nothing better was around. It sucks and it wrecks your self esteem.

QueenBee52 · 27/07/2021 14:46

@CanofCant

It's just another sign of his lack of commitment to you isn't it? 4 years together and he only lived with you and proposed when options were limited. That sounds horrible and it's a reflection on him, not you. I've been in a similar relationship, always hoping that one day I would be his first priority but I only was when nothing better was around. It sucks and it wrecks your self esteem.

this is very true.. he used you during lockdown ... git

wombatspoopcubes · 27/07/2021 15:08

I don't think that it is about the holiday per se, if he would have already been there a decade ago you wouldn't mind. I thibk that what bothers you is that you feel that he isn't really committed to you two spending your life together.

Maybe you should throw this one back.

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 27/07/2021 20:41

I am taking on board every that is being said and although it hurts when posters say he’s getting cold feet again I can’t lie that that’s what I am scared of.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 27/07/2021 20:42

@AmITheAsshole

I am taking on board every that is being said and although it hurts when posters say he’s getting cold feet again I can’t lie that that’s what I am scared of.

trust your instincts .., the holiday is a massive red herring 🌺

WallaceinAnderland · 27/07/2021 20:48

OP do you love him, do you trust him, do you respect him, do you have the same long term goals as him, do you share the same humour, do you admire him, do you consider him your best friend, do you want to spend the rest of your life with him. and does he feels all these things about you too - these are the important things, not some bloody holiday!