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Original poster

AIBU to want him to cancel this holiday?

166 replies

AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 19:35

Have been with DP 4 years. We started talking about getting married about 2 years in but he got cold feet and ended the relationship.

I was heartbroken but accepted we were over.

Six months went by with in and off contact then the pandemic hit. He asked if I would bubble with him and though I was very wary, it was such a strange time and I didn’t have family nearby that I could bubble with so I agreed.

We had the most amazing time bubbled together, living together which we hadn’t done before. He proposed about 6 months ago and we are now engaged.

So we’ve been planning the wedding which we’re hoping will be next March.

Last night we were talking about where to go in honeymoon and I said a place I’ve always wanted to go to as the ultimate romantic destination. Then he dropped the bombshell that when we were broken up, he had agreed to go to this destination with his best mate, his wife and their children once Covid allowed.

They haven’t booked it yet but he’s adamant about not letting them down. Part of the issue is that he had agreed to pay half for the air bnb.

But my heart is absolutely set on this as our honeymoon destination and I’ve always dreamed that it would be a once in a lifetime trip with the man I love.

AIBU to want him to cancel his holiday? I am happy to cover what he would have paid to his friend.

OP posts:
Farwest · 26/07/2021 21:43

You are not going to be marrying this man.

He's flaky - dumped you, crawled back, now wierdly putting someone else's family holiday before his own honeymoon.

Kick him into touch, OP. You're wasting your time.

whatthejiggeries · 26/07/2021 21:51

I think it's strange that he's going there with his mates family, by the same token I think you are being a bit controlling - there must be somewhere else in the world you would like to go

waggingtails · 26/07/2021 22:06

You sure he's not going with someone else?!

spinningspaniels · 26/07/2021 22:08

I don't get why he's not mentioned it before - you've been living together for nearly 18 months and this is the first time he's told you the holiday of a lifetime plan?

He's got cold feet again.

WhiskeyGalore212 · 26/07/2021 22:10

@waggingtails

You sure he's not going with someone else?!
I was wondering that.

It's such a weird set up.

Unless he's, I dunno, a diving enthusiast who's always wanted to go there and his mate really cannot afford to go without his contribution so they thought it would work for both of them, but... it's still a bit strange.

ElizaDoolots · 26/07/2021 22:14

YANBU OP. It’s odd for a soon to be married man to be spending his limited time and resources going on a once in a lifetime holiday with another family. Unless he’s absolutely loaded and can afford to go on several luxury holidays each year. Doesn’t really seem like he’s putting you first, not a great start to married life IMO. Sorry to be blunt.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/07/2021 22:18

This sounds unbelievable, actually. I smell bullshit... from him that is, not you, OP.

HalzTangz · 26/07/2021 22:35

You can still go with him.

It will till be your once in a lifetime.

Your honeymoon will be a completely difference experience for him than a jolly with his mate

Branleuse · 26/07/2021 22:39

why the fuck would this other family want him to come with them to the maldives?

NerdyBird · 26/07/2021 22:41

If I'd had a long illness but was now well enough to go on holiday, esp after a pandemic, I'm not sure I'd want my DH's friend there. Are you sure the wife knows and is fully on board? It seems a little like something the two men might have cooked up, for whatever reason.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/07/2021 22:41

He is either consciously or unconsciously stepping away from adulthood and adult milestones.

He wants to go on holiday with mum and dad, basically. He doesn’t want to be a man on his honeymoon with his wife. He wants to be packed into someone else’s adult relationship/family for two weeks.

He’s not reliable OP. All your misgivings and intuitions about this ring very true.

HalzTangz · 26/07/2021 22:42

@smugsparkle

why would he want to go on holiday with his mate, mates wife and kids and why would they want him there? really odd, he should be prioritising his honeymoon with you over a mates family holiday.
They want him there because he's paying more than his fair share. I'm guessing without him they wouldn't be able to afford the holiday
Ourlady · 26/07/2021 22:49

Im sorry but he is not to be trusted. He has shown he is not dependable already and here he is again putting his friend and his family before the woman he is going to marry.
It's just crazy. Utterly crazy that someone would do that. It doesn't make sense or ring true

cocodomingo · 26/07/2021 22:49

YABU....you can get over yourself and join them...clearly they are important people to him..and sharing the adventure will help you bond with them. You and your fiancee can then choose a honeymoon together without the tension of your wished needing to preside over his....just wouldnt be a great start to marriage IMO

Chilldonaldchill · 26/07/2021 22:58

I don't see what's weird about his going on holiday with his friend and family.
Our single friend has come away with us a few times as a family - it's really nice.
If she suddenly got engaged I wouldn't expect her to stick to any ready-made arrangements but neither would I find it weird if she did.
I think people are judging him too harshly. Yes he got cold feet once before but that doesn't mean he's not ready for marriage now. He's not putting his friend first - he just doesn't want to let them down. That's a positive thing in my eyes.
I think you're being a bit precious about the destination - I can't see why he can't go there a second time with you (or with them if the wedding is before they manage their trip).
Don't throw everything away because a bunch of women who don't know you or him tells you that he's not trustworthy.

QueenBee52 · 26/07/2021 23:06

@Chilldonaldchill

I don't see what's weird about his going on holiday with his friend and family. Our single friend has come away with us a few times as a family - it's really nice. If she suddenly got engaged I wouldn't expect her to stick to any ready-made arrangements but neither would I find it weird if she did. I think people are judging him too harshly. Yes he got cold feet once before but that doesn't mean he's not ready for marriage now. He's not putting his friend first - he just doesn't want to let them down. That's a positive thing in my eyes. I think you're being a bit precious about the destination - I can't see why he can't go there a second time with you (or with them if the wedding is before they manage their trip). Don't throw everything away because a bunch of women who don't know you or him tells you that he's not trustworthy.

you took your friend to the Maldives knowing it was her fiancés Honeymoon destination a few weeks later Confused

and let her pay for half your trip 🤔

knowing she's paying for a Wedding ... oh okay 🤣

Original poster
AmITheAsshole · 26/07/2021 23:12

@cocodomingo

YABU....you can get over yourself and join them...clearly they are important people to him..and sharing the adventure will help you bond with them. You and your fiancee can then choose a honeymoon together without the tension of your wished needing to preside over his....just wouldnt be a great start to marriage IMO

But why shouldn’t it be his friends understanding that I am important to him, getting over the holiday and wishing us well on our honeymoon?

OP posts:
Faevern · 26/07/2021 23:15

Can he afford to go twice? Does he genuinely want to go with them?

First off I suspect the angst and disagreement will now mean that your dream destination will be forever tinged by this. It will be there on honeymoon in your head. Is this destination something you mentioned when discussing the first wedding? If so he knew when he arranged this.

And why does it have to be your dream destination, where is his? Are you more in love with the romantic idea than the reality, are you being selfish about it?

Secondly agreeing to do this when Covid ends, none of us expected it to last this long so it would be easy for him to say plans have changed, including that he will be married by the time they go, especially as they haven’t booked.

If the only way they can afford to go is by him sharing the cost and he’s concerned about her illness I think the solution of him honouring his half of the Air BnB is a good one. Unless they want him as a baby sitter!

The fact he hasn’t thought of any of this is what would concern me. Are there any other signs of cold feet, who is driving the wedding plans? Me and my DP have some holidays separately but not long haul dream destinations.

SGBK4862 · 26/07/2021 23:15

Is this holiday arrangement the only thing about your DP you have doubts about OP? Or is it just the issue of the moment? I'd worry about his change of heart two years ago. What has changed to make him so sure you are the one for him after all?

Also TBH I think it's weird to go on holiday with another couple and their children. Has he done this before? Is he likely to repeat it in the future? I wouldn't be happy if my DH kept holidaying with a friend whose wife didn't like me. Very different from you pairing up as two couples together. (I have never liked my best friend's husband or rather, never felt he liked me. I'd never want to go on holiday with them - we don't even have dinner parties with them unless other couples are invited too. )

MyOtherProfile · 26/07/2021 23:17

Time to ask him if he is really committed to marrying you.

Faevern · 26/07/2021 23:19

Oh and I forgot to a ask when did he first mention this holiday and why?

Honeyroar · 26/07/2021 23:24

You’re hoping the wedding will be in March - does that mean that nothing has been booked or set in stone, despite March not actually being that far off in terms of arranging a wedding? If nothing has been booked why not? It’s another slight alarm bell that this guy might be rather full of hot air and not actually as serious about this as you are. And yes I can understand why you’d be upset that he’s putting a holiday with his mate’s family above your honeymoon.

stealthninjamum · 26/07/2021 23:29

Op is he one of these people who once they have made a promise or commitment don’t like to back down. I can imagine my stbexh promising to do something like that and then nothing on earth would make him back out because he would hate to feel he was letting them down. If so I can sort of empathise, I’m similar, although not as bad as stbexh.

I also think the world is a big place and can’t understand why you are so fixed on one place either.

mummykauli7 · 26/07/2021 23:43

Bora Bora?

MarianneUnfaithful · 26/07/2021 23:53

Where does he want to go for your honeymoon?

Is it a case of holiday-of-a-lifetime with his mate and kids, holiday-of-a-lunchtime with you for your honeymoon?

In the end, this: Engaged people don’t go away with another family for 2 weeks without their partner

Especially not to a place the fiancée wants to go.