Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Please help me make sense.. best friend of 28 years turned on me and now not speaking

185 replies

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 13:52

I went out to a pub (garden) with a friend I've known since teenage years the weekend before last. I got talking to some people at another table who had passed us by and been friendly , to cut a long story short they then came over to our table to get my friend to come and join them (I didn't ask them to as i knew she wasn't in the mood for befriending new people due to covid ) and she rudely told them to f off - yes she's covid-paranoid but could have said it in a nicer way... anyway one of them then came back and said wtf is wrong with her she needs to get a fing life and I was pretty mortified and didn't intervene... I was quite embarrassed by her rudeness and didn't think that merited me jumping to her side.

She then called me over a few minutes later said she was annoyed at me and some insulting words before flouncing off. I asked her the next day what I had done to upset her and I wasn't happy with how she'd been to me but let's either discuss it or forget it and move on.

She then texted (refused to talk) saying she was appalled that I'd 'sat there slagging her off with a bunch of strangers' and whenever I tried to give my view, she said I was lying and unless I accepted it was all my fault then I was choosing to end the friendship.

We've never fallen out before in 28 years. It's like a different person has taken over her body. Every time I tried to say my version of events she said I was lying and trying to argue with her and blame her. I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed into taking responsiblity for a situation of her making, whilst she can swear at everyone and get off scot free.

I would leave it at that but we've been friends forever and this is a real shock to me. To say I am devastated is an understatement. How can she just change like this and blame me for everything. She literally said 'it's all your fault and you can't accept what you've done so I can't be friends any more in case you do it again.'

I haven't spoken to her since the text discussion/argument last week and suggested a time-out but where the hell do I go from here?

OP posts:

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 21:47

Interested to know how many posters would, honestly, end a friendship of many years in this situation if the friend sincerely apologised?

OP posts:

AtLeastPretendToCare · 26/07/2021 21:49

I think if I were the OP’s friend I would have felt humiliated by this incident and really hurt by my oldest friend and I don’t think you quite appreciate the gravity of that.

And really the word BUT never belongs in an apology.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 21:51

I would consider ending it yes. If my friend knew how I felt about Covid and went and sat at someone else’s table when it was jist the two of us out, then sat there when they slagged me off, and didn’t come back until I asked them to, leaving me alone, yes I’d be very hurt, think they were a dickhead and consider ending the friendship

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 21:54

@AtLeastPretendToCare

I think if I were the OP’s friend I would have felt humiliated by this incident and really hurt by my oldest friend and I don’t think you quite appreciate the gravity of that.

And really the word BUT never belongs in an apology.

Didn't say but IN the apology

OP posts:

KormasABitch · 26/07/2021 21:56

I can't belieeeeeeeeeeve the way everyone's jumping on you and putting the boot in, OP.

Go to bed and get some rest and try to put this behind you.

One day you might be friends again, or maybe that's it. You've done what you can, and you mustn't beat yourself up!

MaMelon · 26/07/2021 22:03

Interested to know how many posters would, honestly, end a friendship of many years in this situation if the friend sincerely apologised?

I would like to think I wouldn’t end a friendship of 28 years, but I can’t lie - I would be really hurt and I think I would wonder if I really needed that kind of friend in my life. I think it would take me a while to decide if I missed you enough to want to put it behind me and move forward as friends.

MichelleScarn · 26/07/2021 22:05

What was it about the randoms that was more interesting for you than catching up with her, and made you 'side' with them when they were slagging her off? And what did they say/do when they went over to her table?

ahoyshipmates · 26/07/2021 22:17

@JorisBohnson2

Dared to come back and update you all.

OK so I did as some suggested and emailed a heartfelt apology for the leaving her when I was at the table, which wasn't long BTW as the guys went over to her pretty soon after and then shit went south....

I said I can't apologise for slagging you off as I didn't do that but apologised for being passive/inactive when the scene occurred.

She spat it all back in my face and doesn't want to accept the apology, which I accept is her choice, but she was pretty nasty about it despite me trying to be as apologetic as I could bringing up how I should have apologised earlier etc and criticising/blaming again.

So I've come to the conclusion our friendship was not as strong as I thought. This wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me after an apology from the other person but I generally like to give people 2nd chances and realise not everyone does.

Im out. I know some of you will say I thoroughly deserve it but I really do appreciate the more balanced viewpoints and those who have seen that whilst I wasn't an angel the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

Well... we did tell you that it should be an unqualified apology.

Unfortunately, when the other people were slagging her off, you did not immediately jump to her defence. Nor did you tell them to stfu and go back to your friend.

By staying with them you were condoning their behaviour, so you were complicit in the slagging off. In your OP you say you were embarrassed by her behaviour in swearing at them, yet although that was so out of character for her it still didn't occur to you that she might have been upset by them, and you didn't go to see if she was all right.

If I had to fend off unwanted attention by telling people to fuck off, then the last thing I would want is my friend staying with them instead of being concerned about my feelings.

And that, I suspect, is why she won't forgive you.

Candydreamer · 26/07/2021 22:21

no I wouldnt end a long friendship over this because unless the guys were being really forceful to her and wouldnt leave her alone, I wouldn't immediately tell them to fuck off if they asked if I wanted to join their group, so this situation wouldnt of happened. that's just rude.

however, if I was you I would of gone over after they came back asking what was wrong with her and asked if she was okay. I wouldnt of stayed with that group and left her by herself.

so truthfully, I dont think either of you were great. like I said before, massive drama that didnt need to happen.

blacksax · 26/07/2021 22:28

I was excited to meet some new people IRL You were clearly enjoying their company more than you were enjoying your friend's company. She saw that. And it hurt.

Have you any idea what it's like to go out with a pal for a drink and a catch-up, only to be abandoned like Billy-no-mates and sit there on your own like a fool why your extrovert friend has a whale of a time yakking to other people? Have you any idea how humiliating that is?

KormasABitch · 26/07/2021 22:28

The friend sounds weirdly controlling and insecure. Why bother going out to a pub if you're not allowed to exchange a few friendly words with strangers, after all this time locked away from each other?

brokenbiscuitsx · 26/07/2021 22:29

We don’t know what was said to make the friend swear. Could have been the guys saying “cheer up love” or “don’t be such a miserable bitch” or some other annoying shit that men say to women, we don’t know because we don’t know them and nor did OP.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 22:30

@KormasABitch

I think maybe you’ve misunderstood, she didn’t exchange just a few words

KormasABitch · 26/07/2021 22:33

@Bluntness100
Where did you get that idea from?

To be clear they came over to our table initially just being friendly and then when i went to the loos I passed them on the way back and got chatting for a matter of minutes before the guys went over to try and persuade my friend to join -they were gone before I could stop them.

Mary1Mary · 26/07/2021 22:40

My sister has done this sort of thing for years. We deal with it by not going out on our own with her. She also does it during phone calls.

Catlover1970 · 26/07/2021 22:44

I think there are some quite blunt comments on here - not designed to hurt you but to give you a reality check. You have some serious grovelling to do but if your friend values your friendship then she will be hurting as much as you are. Forget her rudeness and take responsibility and try to make amends. If she doesn’t want to know then lesson learned xx

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 22:45

I was embarrassed at the time she'd told these friendly people to fuck off. They were just being friendly and whilst she didn't have to engage with them she could have said 1000 better things than fuck off.

Yes in hindsight I could have gone back to her and would do in future but I don't generally like to pander to arsey rude behaviour although I'm sure someone will be along soon to say I have no right to say that as I'm the arsey rude one. So she is immune from judgement.

Go on, I'm ready for it..

OP posts:

KormasABitch · 26/07/2021 22:46

If you'd been out with your boyfriend and this had happened everyone would be telling you to LTB 🤣

Doyoumind · 26/07/2021 22:49

This thread is a fascinating insight. I know people like OP and have moved away from one particular friendship like that. Clearly some people think it's a perfectly acceptable way to behave.

brokenbiscuitsx · 26/07/2021 22:55

@JorisBohnson2

Go on, I'm ready for it..

Were they friendly though or were they saying “Come on! Come on! Come on!” etc and then when she still said no after the 10th “Come on” maybe they said “suit yourself miserable bitch” and so she said “fuck off!”

Maybe?

I’ve been there, I’m sure others have too.

Quartz2208 · 26/07/2021 22:55

I wonder if the problem is OP you still arent actually sorry and dont seem to think you have done anything wrong and that came across in your apology.

So what you hoped would sort it has made everything worse.

I dont think it is salvageable now because I still dont think you actually see what you did wrong

sassbott · 26/07/2021 23:00

To be honest Op a very long term friendship of mine has ended recently. Your story reminded me of a stunt she pulled on me pre covid. She was thinking of moving somewhere and I went to visit her. Sat in the pub, she introduced me to some people she had met locally and then proceeded to disappear the remainder of the night (chatting blokes up at the bar). While I made small talk with people I barely knew. I hadn’t seen her for an age and was looking forward to catching up. It wasn’t the night I had planned (nor the reason I had drove 2 hours). I appreciate you did not leave your friend for anywhere near the length of time.

I didn’t break off the friendship then, but I was annoyed. I didn’t get an apology, more a dismissive ‘oh you were fine.’ Totally tone deaf. Sometimes stuff like this, it can be a straw that breaks the camels back. I can now look back and see repeated incidents of things I let go. For the sake of the friendship. Everyone has a limit though.

I may be projecting too much of my situation. But asking people on here how they would react? IME, it’s very rarely often about the final trigger point.

MichelleScarn · 26/07/2021 23:05

@brokenbiscuitsx its been asked what prompted the 'fuck off' smarmyness/lewd/generally annoying, were they grabby? Op seems sure her new friends weren't at fault.

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 23:13

She was being arsey and in a bad mood towards the end of the evening when thus happened, which on reflection may have been covid paranoia

In my experience they were a friendly bunch mixed ages and sexes. Some of the guys were gay so not a leery/letchy situation.

I honestly think her fuck off was unjustified but I cannot say I witnessed the conversation so can't say for sure.

OP posts:

Clymene · 26/07/2021 23:14

@JorisBohnson2

Go on, I'm ready for it..

For someone who was hugely fragile a few hours ago, you seem pretty robust now.

You were rude to your friend and she decided she'd had enough. I can't believe this was the first time as you seem pretty clueless that dumping your mate to go and chat to blokes is really rude so I'm guessing this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8