Please help me make sense.. best friend of 28 years turned on me and now not speaking

[Metabigot]

I went out to a pub (garden) with a friend I've known since teenage years the weekend before last. I got talking to some people at another table who had passed us by and been friendly , to cut a long story short they then came over to our table to get my friend to come and join them (I didn't ask them to as i knew she wasn't in the mood for befriending new people due to covid ) and she rudely told them to f off - yes she's covid-paranoid but could have said it in a nicer way... anyway one of them then came back and said wtf is wrong with her she needs to get a fing life and I was pretty mortified and didn't intervene... I was quite embarrassed by her rudeness and didn't think that merited me jumping to her side.

She then called me over a few minutes later said she was annoyed at me and some insulting words before flouncing off. I asked her the next day what I had done to upset her and I wasn't happy with how she'd been to me but let's either discuss it or forget it and move on.

She then texted (refused to talk) saying she was appalled that I'd 'sat there slagging her off with a bunch of strangers' and whenever I tried to give my view, she said I was lying and unless I accepted it was all my fault then I was choosing to end the friendship.

We've never fallen out before in 28 years. It's like a different person has taken over her body. Every time I tried to say my version of events she said I was lying and trying to argue with her and blame her. I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed into taking responsiblity for a situation of her making, whilst she can swear at everyone and get off scot free.

I would leave it at that but we've been friends forever and this is a real shock to me. To say I am devastated is an understatement. How can she just change like this and blame me for everything. She literally said 'it's all your fault and you can't accept what you've done so I can't be friends any more in case you do it again.'

I haven't spoken to her since the text discussion/argument last week and suggested a time-out but where the hell do I go from here?

Was this one of those groups that was nice to you but treated her like shit? I think many of us have been there and it's not a nice experience.

Let's give it till tea time.

I have taken all your comments on board and accept the hive mind judgement.

The "hive mind" judgement?

Just because more people disagree with you than support you, it doesn't mean a "hive mind"

It means you have behaved very badly by most people's standards. Including your friend's.

If some random stranger said my friend of 28 years needed to get a fucking life I'd have told them to get to fuck and gone back over to sit with her and check she was feeling OK.... You may have been embarrassed by her reaction, but in the grand scheme of things, you will probably never see these people again, so who gives a shit?? You've lost a life long friend because you didn't defend her to some random people who have probably not given either of you a second thought since last week.....

I know you've said you're bowing out and that's fine but, in the hope that you are still on here....

Finding a way of coping or dealing with your broken friendship actually does involve working out and accepting what you did wrong in her eyes. And that's what the 'hive mentality' on here is trying to do.

Your friend was wrong to swear. But, as your friend of over 20 years, I'd have expected you to jump in when someone is coming over and telling me to 'get a f-ing life'. I would have expected a friend to say 'that's enough' not just sit there 'mortified'. She was wrong in the language but you knew she was Covid panicky. What did you expect her to say or do? Probably not use the words she did, but you surely would have expected her to say 'no, thanks. Please go away' and you should have backed her on that. Then you could have said 'I know you don't want to mix but the language was too much' to your friend.

The thing you don't do is allow some stranger to berate your friend when you know her reasons for not wanting to mix.

How do you cope? Put the boot on the other foot. If she did that to you what would you want her to do to make amends (leaving aside her language - you can deal with that later). How would she show you that she made a mistake in that situation if she'd left you to defend yourself without making any effort to tell the other person that they have overstepped the mark and should back off, that she values you and that you'll never leave her to defend herself against a stranger (or group of them). Then do it.

You behaved appallingly OP, and the people you were chatting with were probably pressuring her or being rude themselves to get a "fuck off".

Many, many people are very anxious and going out and about is a big deal for manyat the moment. You know that is the case for your so-called best friend and yet you fucked off when you got a more interesting offer.

And, personally, I think the 'hive mind judgement' tells me a lot about how your mind works OP.

Why would you prioritise random new people over an old friend?

Generally the only time I’ve seen this done is when someone is desperate and fancies one of the group, so will ditch the friend to speak to the bloke. It’s shitty shitty behaviour. I’m not saying that’s why the op did it, but that’s my experience. Hopefully the op had another reason for sitting with the group and leaving her friend alone, sitting there as they slagged her off, and having to be called back, not proactively leaving.

Can’t think what it is though.

I'm very introvert and don't enjoy meeting large numbers of new people at once.

I've been out on numerous occasions with more sociable friends who've gadded off to a new group of chatty people whilst I'm sat like a twat. I have no patience for it any more and just leave.

Extroverts tend to think I'm being rude, stuffy and unfriendly. Thankfully I'm too old to care now.

OP, I'm with your friend. You have some apologising to do.

She literally said 'it's all your fault and you can't accept what you've done so I can't be friends any more in case you do it again

She’s not wrong though is she.

I went out with a new friend a while ago and a woman came and stood behind me and started talking to my friend over my head (literally) very rude and my friend didn't exactly discourage her.
It wasn't an urgent conversation it was clearly someone she used work with and hadn't seen in ages and the woman just wanted catch up after spotting my friend.
I sat there with this woman shouting behind me ,over my head for a good five minutes, no attempt was made to include or introduce me or even say 'sorry but l'm out with a friend', or from the woman ' l can see you're out with a friend '

Last straw was when l felt a bit of spit land on back of my hand from shouty woman as l reached up touch my hair and stretch to show boredom I turned round and said 'Do you mind?' and told her could she please stop shouting over my head and definitely not spit on me again.
I got up and went to the loo before getting involved in a shouting match and really expected my new friendship to be shortest in history but when l came back shouty woman had gone and friend still there and apologised profusely. She said she had felt awkward and wished she could be as assertive as me to have cut the conversation off and that l'd been right to tell SW off.

We are still good friends so we survived but God, doing that is so bloody rude.

Is it possible the person who tried to make her join you didn't just jovially ask her to join, but they were in her face/drunken/gropey which prompted the 'fuck off?

I'm sorry but you behaved absolutely appallingly and I hope after reading this thread that you realise that because you didn't seem to in your opening post.
Personally, I'd send a beautiful bouquet of flowers with a heartfelt, apologetic grovelling letter and then wait for her to decide what she wants to do next.
I hope she doesn't throw away the long friendship and I hope you learn to treat your friends better. Good luck.

OP she sounds annoyed at the fact that you can't seem to understand why she's upset. I'd be really upset at this behaviour and I'm wondering if the bloke who went over to her was pissed and obnoxious or standing too close when she's suffering anxiety over that.

I would leave her a message either by text or phone if she's not picking up and just say 'I'm really sorry I did that. I realise how thoughtless it was and would really appreciate time to chat.' That's all you can do.

I hope it works out.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP!

It sounds to me like you each had very different ideas on what post-lockdown socialising looks like. Hers is anxiety-based and involves keeps the hatches firmly battened down, even in a public place. Yours is more about enjoying the chance at last to interact with other humans generally.

It's not like you left her sitting on her own for the evening.

She might have felt exposed by your readiness to have a quick chat with strangers, or even jealous of your social skills, but her rudeness to them was uncalled for unless there is something you don't know about. Presumably you've asked her about that.

Sorry everyone is piling on you, don't feel like a nincompoop. This whole COVID business has driven us all a bit crazy and has affected us all in very different ways. You and your friend are a case in point. I hope you can find a way through this, but if not my recommendation is to wait for water to flow under the bridge and then pick up your friendship again when the time is right. You'll know when to do that -- might be 6 months, might be 3 years, whatever, but you don't just lose lifelong buddies over a trivial incident such as this.

P.S. I also think grovelling apologies and flowers etc are only going to heighten the misunderstanding between you, well-intentioned though such a gesture would be. X

I’m wondering if the op stayed and went back to the group after her freind left, she certainly doesn’t write she went after her. She says she only texted the friend the next day, so i suspect this is even worse than what’s written

Oh just one more thing

i knew she wasn't in the mood for befriending new people due to covid ... yes she's covid-paranoid

and

got chatting for a matter of minutes before the guys went over to try and persuade my friend to join -- they were gone before I could stop them

...suggest to me that your friend has an anxiety issue around the whole virus situation, and perhaps you and her don't see eye to eye on this, and it's just been brought to a head.

I've also lost touch with a friend who just kept messaging me with wildly distorted conspiracy propaganda and I lost patience with looking up the facts when he could just as easily have found out for himself. I mean, he's not dumb, and yet he turned into a brainless spamming agent. However, he does have a tendency towards anxiety, and I think that's related, and also applies in your friend's case.

It may be that you can be friends again when life returns a bit more to normal... as I hope it will eventually!

I've been intercepted on my way back from the bar/toilet before when out at a pub by people I know but didnt actually go with.

I cant imagine any of my friends telling them to fuck off if they asked any of them if they wanted to join. they would of probably laughed it off and said oh maybe a bit later/I'm okay here thanks etc. I would of said anyway lovely to see you, made my way back to my friend and that would of been the end of it.

this whole situation is a huge drama that really didnt need to happen.

@Candydreamer

I've been intercepted on my way back from the bar/toilet before when out at a pub by people I know but didnt actually go with.

I cant imagine any of my friends telling them to fuck off if they asked any of them if they wanted to join. they would of probably laughed it off and said oh maybe a bit later/I'm okay here thanks etc. I would of said anyway lovely to see you, made my way back to my friend and that would of been the end of it.

this whole situation is a huge drama that really didnt need to happen.

Exactly @Candydreamer and "they were gone before I could stop them" suggests to me that poor old OP was already on tenterhooks around her friend's sullen attitude to socialising in public.

Interesting that you’re viewing almost unanimous responses as ‘hive mind.’

Here’s the thing that I find fascinating. If a friend I really cared for told me I had upset them (and clearly this friend is upset). I wouldn’t post on an internet site asking people who was right or wrong. Why would I? I’d be apologising to my friend, because regardless of my intent, regardless of what I thought. If someone I love and care for gets this upset, I seek to understand. Otherwise what else is a 28 year friendship for? Who cares about right or wrong?

The fact that you’re on here? Trying to prove you’re not in the wrong? Tells me more about you than your friend.

Sometimes friendships run their course. Oh and by the way if you’d done that to me, I’d be absolutely livid. Rude doesn’t even begin to touch the sides of how you treated her.

The situation was entirely of your own making. You went out with her for a drink and you went off to flirt with some blokes and left her sitting on her own.

Maybe she's finally realised that this is not the way friends behave.

You sounds like a teenager, not a woman in her late 40s

Why are people still posting on this thread when the OP's made it clear she was leaving it?

I do feel for you, people are being really nasty. You made a mistake.. you apologise in a letter or by sending flowers and a note. Say you judged the situation wrong.
And hope she gets back to you.
You didn’t do that much wrong, you were hoping she would join. But once she didn’t you should have left the other group
Immediately and gone back to your friend. You were out with her not them and you knew how she felt about Covid

I feel for you op. Some horrible replies on here.