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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me make sense.. best friend of 28 years turned on me and now not speaking

185 replies

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 13:52

I went out to a pub (garden) with a friend I've known since teenage years the weekend before last. I got talking to some people at another table who had passed us by and been friendly , to cut a long story short they then came over to our table to get my friend to come and join them (I didn't ask them to as i knew she wasn't in the mood for befriending new people due to covid ) and she rudely told them to f off - yes she's covid-paranoid but could have said it in a nicer way... anyway one of them then came back and said wtf is wrong with her she needs to get a fing life and I was pretty mortified and didn't intervene... I was quite embarrassed by her rudeness and didn't think that merited me jumping to her side.

She then called me over a few minutes later said she was annoyed at me and some insulting words before flouncing off. I asked her the next day what I had done to upset her and I wasn't happy with how she'd been to me but let's either discuss it or forget it and move on.

She then texted (refused to talk) saying she was appalled that I'd 'sat there slagging her off with a bunch of strangers' and whenever I tried to give my view, she said I was lying and unless I accepted it was all my fault then I was choosing to end the friendship.

We've never fallen out before in 28 years. It's like a different person has taken over her body. Every time I tried to say my version of events she said I was lying and trying to argue with her and blame her. I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed into taking responsiblity for a situation of her making, whilst she can swear at everyone and get off scot free.

I would leave it at that but we've been friends forever and this is a real shock to me. To say I am devastated is an understatement. How can she just change like this and blame me for everything. She literally said 'it's all your fault and you can't accept what you've done so I can't be friends any more in case you do it again.'

I haven't spoken to her since the text discussion/argument last week and suggested a time-out but where the hell do I go from here?

OP posts:

IWantT0BreakFree · 26/07/2021 15:31

You were rude to join a table of strangers when you were supposed to be out with a friend and had left her sitting alone. You should 100% accept responsibility for that and apologise unreservedly for it. HOWEVER you do not owe her an apology for "slagging her off", which you didn't do, and she needs to accept responsibility for her part in being extremely rude and aggressive in her reaction. I'd send a final text or email to say that you are very sorry for leaving her alone and regret having done so; it was rude. However you did not slag her off and won't accept responsibility for the entire situation since she also had a part to play. I'd say that I hoped she would consider things and not end the friendship over one spat, but that I wouldn't be doing any more grovelling or protesting my innocence to someone who simply isn't listening. Then let her come to you if she chooses to. Life is too short for this nonsense. You were a bit of an arse, but her reaction was ridiculous and you don't deserve to be bashed over the head for it any more.

LynetteScavo · 26/07/2021 15:33

The only way back from this is to apologise profusely, say you don't know what came over you, and you've no idea why you behaved so badly. Send her a bunch of flowers, tell her you value her friendship and know how hurt she must be.

TBH if I were your friend I wouldn't have just dropped that friendship and not even used words to try to resolve things.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 26/07/2021 15:33

My question was more about how to cope/what to do

Email her an apology if you mean it OP so she can read it when she feels able to and realise that your behaviour alone probably caused this and likely this is in a line of 'incidents' with you like this, but only email her if you plan on addressing your behaviour and what you intend to do going forward, if you feel this was unwarranted then move on and allow her to do the same with no anymosity

picklemewalnuts · 26/07/2021 15:34

@JorisBohnson2

I have taken all your comments on board and accept the hive mind judgement.

My question was more about how to cope/what to do is there another board that is better to ask this on as I'm feeling pretty fragile - I know many will say deservedly so but I would like some help and support maybe mumsnet was not the best place to post on.

What you need to do is apologise. Say you didn't realise what you did was upsetting, and you'd hate to lose your long friendship. Ask if you can have a 'do over'- another night out where you won't get distracted by another group.

picklemewalnuts · 26/07/2021 15:36

I mean, she could have wanted to talk to you about something specific and important, she could have been looking forward to a chance to talk to one of her oldest friends for the first time in ages.

You could have done similar many times before and she'd never mentioned it, but this time was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 15:37

I don't get the 'line of incidents'... we haven't fallen out before we've had a pretty stable friendship for most of the time - I'm sure she would have said before if I'd done something to offend her, as she did so on this occasion.

Happy to accept responsiblity for my actions relating to this incident but I don't think it helps to speculate whether there have been other similar incidents - there haven't to my memory and our different attitudues to covid played a part this time - we've only been out (to a pub) a few times since the pandemic although have met up in parks etc alone many times.

OP posts:

memberofthewedding · 26/07/2021 15:37

Have to say that if i went out for a quiet evening of chat to catch up with an old friend and it turned into a gang meeting I would probably not be too pleased. Whereas if I knew there were going to be a few people there then I would be prepared for that. These kinds of things have happened to me and at a certain point Ive made my excuses and left, rather than getting stuck with a group of randoms. However I think telling them to f off just for being friendly is rather over the top, covid or not. She could have asked them politely to keep their distance.

TheCrowening · 26/07/2021 15:38

I’d send her a card and bunch of flowers and an apology for leaving her to talk to strangers, acknowledge that was rude and you shouldn’t have done it, but I would also say you hadn’t said anything negative about her and would not do so, that you care about her and hope that you can meet up to talk things through. Then leave the ball in her court. I think that’s all you can do.

BronwenFrideswide · 26/07/2021 15:40

@JorisBohnson2, you've asked for a time out, so do that, don't contact her for a while.

I would then suggest that you write her a letter and apologise unreservedly for your behaviour and accept responsibility for it. No non-apology, no caveats, no use of the phrase I'm sorry you found my behaviour upsetting, just straight up own that you were in the wrong and you are sorry, no putting across your side of the story.

The ball is then in her court as to whether she accepts your apology or not, you can't force her to. If she doesn't accept it then you will have to come to terms with the fact the friendship is over.

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 15:40

@TheCrowening

Do you think it's better to leave it a while or do it straight away. Incident was just over a week ago.

OP posts:

Lovesacake · 26/07/2021 15:41

Op I feel for you. I recently had a 20 year friendship blow up in my face for no clear reason and it was awful. For me, as sad as it was, I decided to walk away because once I’d seen that side of her I knew I never completely trust her again and would be walking on eggshells to avoid another explosion.

therocinante · 26/07/2021 15:42

Gobsmacked you don't think you were in the wrong here, I'd be furious too.

This:

...is all you can do, really. I would be very hurt if a friend of 28 years stomped all over my boundaries like that and then kept telling me I was in the wrong and acting as though I was the one being out of order.

TheCrowening · 26/07/2021 15:42

Personally I’d do it straight away, then take a step back and leave it with her to decide if she wants to reply and when.

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 15:43

@IWantT0BreakFree

Thank you - this is a balanced view and makes a lot of sense

OP posts:

Jux · 26/07/2021 15:44

I have had a couple of afternoons like this. You go out with a friend expecting to have a good catch-up and a bit of a laugh. You have things you want to talk to her about, not necessarily serious, but...and then she's off with other people almost before you've sat down, people she doesn't even know.

So, clearly my friend doesn't really give a shit about me, can't spend 10 minutes with out being a social butterfly, and I'm sitting there alone, feeling miserable. And then some total fuckwit stranger tells me to come over here, someone I don't know and now definitely don't want to know,

So that is the end of the friendship as far as I'm concerned. I know where she stands and it's not next to me.

It's happened to me twice in my life. Both times the 'friend' was a 'functioning alcoholic', and sinking fast into alcoholic oblivion. It was sad.

therocinante · 26/07/2021 15:45

I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed into taking responsiblity for a situation of her making

This bit is particularly shocking. You involved the other people knowing she wasn't comfortable, you didn't back her up when she expressed she was uncomfortable, you left her sitting there (was she by herself?) to the point she decided to leave, you refused to see what you'd done wrong or apologise. This was a situation of your making, not hers. If you can't see that and apologise genuinely for it, she isn't going to forgive you.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 15:47

You behaved very rudely, to the extent I thought this was a reverse at first as no one could be so lacking in self awareness

You went with her, you knew she was Covid worried, you left her sitting alone, and for enough time that someone went to get her, she even had to call you back as you decided it didn’t warrant you “jumping to her side”

Yes she was rude, but you were way ruder. And you sat there letting her listen to them slag her off. And still didn’t move until she shouted you over.

What a way to treat someone,

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 15:48

Guys I'm bowing out, thanks for your help but I can't read any more... I do appreciate everyone's comments and perspectives and will take time to digest the advice and consider next steps.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 15:49

When you’re reading and digesting also consider why you did this to her, did you fancy one of the men so dumped her for them? Why did you act as you did? You must know it was incredibly rude.

Dozer · 26/07/2021 15:51

This has little to do with covid IMO: unless both of you enjoy socialising with strangers, you were U to spend time doing that when out with her.

You were in the wrong chatting to the strangers, and put your friend in a crap position when the men in the group started approaching her. She was rude to tell them to f off and to assume that you were saying negative things about her, when they started badmouthing her. She’s also U to give you an ultimatum.

I went out recently with two female friends. All married. Hadn’t seen them for a while. We met some (drunk, male) acquaintances of theirs at the pub, at the next table, and both my friends spent the entire evening talking to them. I joined in a bit but was bored, was pissed off with both friends, especially one who has ‘form’ for flirting with random blokes on nights out . Didn’t say anything, but won’t be in a hurry to go out with them again!

multivac · 26/07/2021 15:54

Thank you - this is a balanced view and makes a lot of sense

Ah, I see you've found the one poster who is backing up your position that it's some kind of 50/50 situation, rather than your extreme thoughtlessness leading to her reaction. Well done.

ahoyshipmates · 26/07/2021 15:54

When these blokes went over to speak to her, did you hear exactly what it was they said to provoke her 'fuck off' response?

And when they came back without her, did you immediately leave them and go back to sit with your friend?

Whatever, if you really do still want her as a friend, then you need to send her a note with a grovelling apology (don't try and explain yourself, just say sorry) and send her a bunch of flowers too.

MaMelon · 26/07/2021 15:55

Thank you - this is a balanced view and makes a lot of sense

It’s interesting that you’ve chosen to support the one post which has suggested you offer her what’s effectively a qualified apology.

OP - as others have said you were completely and utterly in the wrong. You don’t know when the ‘fuck off’ reply came from her - I suspect his persuasive ‘come to our table’ was actually quite pushy, and because she didn’t fall for his charm immediately he got antsy and she told him to do one. Either that or he was standing closer to her than she wanted him to be. You then didn’t defend her or come back straightaway, despite knowing how anxious she was about being out.

I agree with the others who have said flowers and a heartfelt letter, with no qualified apology, and an invitation to another quiet night out might be the way forward. Be prepared for a knock back though - what you did was pretty crappy

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 15:56

And when they came back without her, did you immediately leave them and go back to sit with your friend?

She states in her op she continued to sit there, didn’t feel the need to jump to her friends defence and only left the table when her friend called her over.

StayWithMe21 · 26/07/2021 15:57

Well said @Jux I completely agree with this.

Why would you prioritise random new people over an old friend?

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