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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me make sense.. best friend of 28 years turned on me and now not speaking

185 replies

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 13:52

I went out to a pub (garden) with a friend I've known since teenage years the weekend before last. I got talking to some people at another table who had passed us by and been friendly , to cut a long story short they then came over to our table to get my friend to come and join them (I didn't ask them to as i knew she wasn't in the mood for befriending new people due to covid ) and she rudely told them to f off - yes she's covid-paranoid but could have said it in a nicer way... anyway one of them then came back and said wtf is wrong with her she needs to get a fing life and I was pretty mortified and didn't intervene... I was quite embarrassed by her rudeness and didn't think that merited me jumping to her side.

She then called me over a few minutes later said she was annoyed at me and some insulting words before flouncing off. I asked her the next day what I had done to upset her and I wasn't happy with how she'd been to me but let's either discuss it or forget it and move on.

She then texted (refused to talk) saying she was appalled that I'd 'sat there slagging her off with a bunch of strangers' and whenever I tried to give my view, she said I was lying and unless I accepted it was all my fault then I was choosing to end the friendship.

We've never fallen out before in 28 years. It's like a different person has taken over her body. Every time I tried to say my version of events she said I was lying and trying to argue with her and blame her. I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed into taking responsiblity for a situation of her making, whilst she can swear at everyone and get off scot free.

I would leave it at that but we've been friends forever and this is a real shock to me. To say I am devastated is an understatement. How can she just change like this and blame me for everything. She literally said 'it's all your fault and you can't accept what you've done so I can't be friends any more in case you do it again.'

I haven't spoken to her since the text discussion/argument last week and suggested a time-out but where the hell do I go from here?

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 26/07/2021 14:36

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, if you’ve apologised or held out an olive branch I don’t think you can do any more. She’s told you she doesn’t want to be friends, so that’s clear enough. Leave the door open as it were, but back away and let her have the space she wants.

username18702 · 26/07/2021 14:37

I hate it when that happens to me. I go out with a female friend and she's there eyeing up men all night or chatting to men. I went to a club once and a friend said she was getting out some money and would see me in there. I bought some drinks and sat down and eventually went out to see where she was, must have been a good hour later, and she's outside the door chatting to some men who were walking past. I was so pissed off.

You don't do that OP. You don't go off and leave your friend, you don't sit there while a bunch of strangers attack her and tell her to get a life. You show your friends loyalty, even if they're wrong. She was annoyed and it sounds like they were harassing her. That wasn't the evening she'd planned. You need to apologise to her.

Notonthestairs · 26/07/2021 14:41

So you went out with a friend, left her to join another group, didn't return to the table after she made it clear she didn't want to join them - and now you don't understand what went wrong?

MoreAloneTime · 26/07/2021 14:42

It really depends on if it was just a brief chat in passing with the other group or actually ditching the friend and sitting with the group.

AnyFucker · 26/07/2021 14:42

Yeah yeah

Garfunkle · 26/07/2021 14:50

I’m with your friend on this one. You and friend went out for a catch up (just the two of you). You ditched friend in favour of sitting with a large group of people, knowing full well that friend has a fear of catching Covid.

If you were a good friend you would have understood and supported your friend by staying with her. Just the two of you as was planned.

Picklypickles · 26/07/2021 14:50

If I made plans to go to the pub with my friend and they fucked off to sit with a group of strangers and left me alone, before then sending a stranger over to invite me to join you all I wouldn't have told them to fuck off, I'd have got up and left and I wouldn't be making arrangements with the "friend" again.

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 15:05

To be clear they came over to our table initially just being friendly and then when i went to the loos I passed them on the way back and got chatting for a matter of minutes before the guys went over to try and persuade my friend to join -they were gone before I could stop them.

It was a mixture of guys and gals not all guys btw

I have apologised to her, but she's been very aggressive to me and not let me say my piece - I was really embarrassed and did try to defend her saying she's worried about covid but she's now spun that as me 'slagging them off' with them.

Whilst I may not have been perfect in the situation I don't think it warrants the ending of a 28 year old friendship - we've literally never fallen out before so I'm just shocked she could end things like this although I have suggested a 'time out' as she refused to speak to me on the phone and nothing was getting resolved by text.

OP posts:

Iwastheparanoidex · 26/07/2021 15:06

I’d have told you to sod off too. You dumped her and went to sat with strangers.

MichelleScarn · 26/07/2021 15:08

What were you embarrassed about? Her not wanting to join?

TheQueef · 26/07/2021 15:10

Agree with the others.
It's all you.

LongTimeMammaBear · 26/07/2021 15:14

How very rude, disrespectful and uncaring of you OP. If you acted this way and you think it was ok, then perhaps you need to realise your friend finally had enough of your behaviour and called it quits. So many posters have brought your behaviour to your attention and as to why your friend may have finally had enough to tell those ganging up on her to F off and put you in that lot too as you brought that group in to her and did nothing to defend her.

MoreAloneTime · 26/07/2021 15:15

It sounds like you were chatting for long enough to make your friend feel ditched

Ohdeariedear · 26/07/2021 15:20

Are you sure nothing like this has happened before?

But, yes, I’d have been extremely pissed off if I was your friend and I probably wouldn’t want to see you again.

multivac · 26/07/2021 15:20

Perhaps after 28 years she finally had enough of you taking her for granted, OP?

Ohdeariedear · 26/07/2021 15:21

@multivac

Perhaps after 28 years she finally had enough of you taking her for granted, OP?

Yeah, this

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 26/07/2021 15:21

Everything else aside, it really looks like you put the company of total strangers above your friend's on a night out. If I was your friend I'd be hurt too. I wouldn't have sworn and been horrible, which wasn't the best response, and I would've let you say your piece, but I'd be pretty hurt and cross with you over the whole thing too so I can absolutely see where your friend is coming from. Time to let her cool down over it, give her space, then see what happens when the dust settles.

TheCrowening · 26/07/2021 15:23

If this isn’t a reverse…

I suspect that this might be the straw that broke the camels back, OP. It may be that there are numerous other issues or events which have got your friends back up or also made her feel as if you’re oblivious to her feelings. Perhaps she didn’t tell you but secretly seethed and this was the final straw.

ladycarlotta · 26/07/2021 15:24

If you've managed to be this clueless on this specific occasion, there may well have been LOTS of problems over the last 28 years that you were utterly unaware of. Sounds like she's done with it.

HaveringWavering · 26/07/2021 15:25

Can you see the difference between you going to ask her if she wanted to join the other group, and you sending over some random bloke to cajole her into joining? I know you said he rushed over but you should have followed him and intercepted him then asked her yourself and accepted her answer if it was "no". From her perspective of course it was because you were there with them saying "oh I'd love to join you but Betty is a right wet blanket and won't socialise (eye roll) " At which point jolly Jim decided he had the charm to win her round and you set him the challenge. Eurgh.

MoreAloneTime · 26/07/2021 15:26

I wasn't there, I don't know but I agree with PP that based on her reaction could this have been a straw that broke the camel's back moment?

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 15:26

I have taken all your comments on board and accept the hive mind judgement.

My question was more about how to cope/what to do is there another board that is better to ask this on as I'm feeling pretty fragile - I know many will say deservedly so but I would like some help and support maybe mumsnet was not the best place to post on.

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/07/2021 15:27

She's anxious about covid and specifically doesn't want to be mixing with strangers.
She goes out with you despite that, expecting the two of you to spend some time together and have some fun.
You start chatting to strangers who come up to you despite the fact you knew this was exactly the sort of scenario that would make her anxious.
You then stop by their table long enough for them to try to persuade her to join them too.
And you don't understand why she's pissed off?

Yes it was wrong of her to swear at them but come on. Anyone with half a brain would know it's not considerate to do something you know makes the person you're with feel bad. Especially when it's strangers! If it was your mum or something that'd be different. But people you don't know from Adam?
She reacted badly but I can understand her underlying feelings.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/07/2021 15:28

Well that was an unfortunate xpost. If you're feeling fragile then maybe step back for a while and apologise when you're feeling stronger.

MoreAloneTime · 26/07/2021 15:28

As for what to do, when you talk about this with her it needs to be about how your behaviour made her feel and not about trying to justify why your behaviour was in the right

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