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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me make sense.. best friend of 28 years turned on me and now not speaking

185 replies

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 13:52

I went out to a pub (garden) with a friend I've known since teenage years the weekend before last. I got talking to some people at another table who had passed us by and been friendly , to cut a long story short they then came over to our table to get my friend to come and join them (I didn't ask them to as i knew she wasn't in the mood for befriending new people due to covid ) and she rudely told them to f off - yes she's covid-paranoid but could have said it in a nicer way... anyway one of them then came back and said wtf is wrong with her she needs to get a fing life and I was pretty mortified and didn't intervene... I was quite embarrassed by her rudeness and didn't think that merited me jumping to her side.

She then called me over a few minutes later said she was annoyed at me and some insulting words before flouncing off. I asked her the next day what I had done to upset her and I wasn't happy with how she'd been to me but let's either discuss it or forget it and move on.

She then texted (refused to talk) saying she was appalled that I'd 'sat there slagging her off with a bunch of strangers' and whenever I tried to give my view, she said I was lying and unless I accepted it was all my fault then I was choosing to end the friendship.

We've never fallen out before in 28 years. It's like a different person has taken over her body. Every time I tried to say my version of events she said I was lying and trying to argue with her and blame her. I feel I'm being emotionally blackmailed into taking responsiblity for a situation of her making, whilst she can swear at everyone and get off scot free.

I would leave it at that but we've been friends forever and this is a real shock to me. To say I am devastated is an understatement. How can she just change like this and blame me for everything. She literally said 'it's all your fault and you can't accept what you've done so I can't be friends any more in case you do it again.'

I haven't spoken to her since the text discussion/argument last week and suggested a time-out but where the hell do I go from here?

OP posts:

KormasABitch · 26/07/2021 17:36

@bringincrazyback

Why are people still posting on this thread when the OP's made it clear she was leaving it?

Because, given the rabid hostility of the replies on here, I think she might just be hyperventilating into a paper bag and hopefully will dare to take another peek when she's got over the horrible feeling of being stamped on.

Flatwhitewhiner · 26/07/2021 17:57

Some of you should be admonishing yourselves for your nasty responses and for piling on the original poster. It must be breezy up there on those high horses!

Sassanacs · 26/07/2021 18:06

Joker

Vanilla1Cookies · 26/07/2021 18:44

I don’t think you have done anything wrong and your friend is a complete drama queen. She was rude for no reason.
Hope you are ok.

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 19:56

Dared to come back and update you all.

OK so I did as some suggested and emailed a heartfelt apology for the leaving her when I was at the table, which wasn't long BTW as the guys went over to her pretty soon after and then shit went south....

I said I can't apologise for slagging you off as I didn't do that but apologised for being passive/inactive when the scene occurred.

She spat it all back in my face and doesn't want to accept the apology, which I accept is her choice, but she was pretty nasty about it despite me trying to be as apologetic as I could bringing up how I should have apologised earlier etc and criticising/blaming again.

So I've come to the conclusion our friendship was not as strong as I thought. This wouldn't have been a deal breaker for me after an apology from the other person but I generally like to give people 2nd chances and realise not everyone does.

Im out. I know some of you will say I thoroughly deserve it but I really do appreciate the more balanced viewpoints and those who have seen that whilst I wasn't an angel the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

OP posts:

BronwenFrideswide · 26/07/2021 20:10

Clearly your actions destroyed her trust in you which is why she has chosen not to give you a second chance.

Bluntness100 · 26/07/2021 20:11

I think you’re being pretty disingenuous op. You said it was a few mins before they went over there and then shit went south, but you stayed at the table when they came back and you only went back, when she called you back. You say a few mins either side, so that’s a min of what twenty she was sitting alone? Probably longer in reality.

You could easily have went back, when you saw them going over, when you saw what occured, when they came back and were slagging her off. But you didn’t. You just stayed put at their table until she shouted you back.

She then flounced off, but it doesn’t appear you went after her. Did you stay with the group? You didn’t even text her till th next day.

I don’t know if the punishment fits the crime, but that’s just not a nice thing to do to someone. It does read like you dropped her like a stone as you thought you had a better offer, and yeah that is friendship ending.

MaMelon · 26/07/2021 20:18

I’m really sorry to hear that JorisBohnson2, it can’t be easy losing a friend of 28 years like that.

I do wonder if you have slightly different memory of the situation after a few glasses of whatever you had and whether the man who went to ‘persuade’ her to join the crowd was a bit of a cheeky git - so between that and you effectively leaving her in the lurch in favour of a group of strangers she’s just not ready to forgive or forget at the moment.

It could also be that the friendship has just run its course, exacerbated by your very different approaches to everything opening back up. It’s a very divisive time.

sassbott · 26/07/2021 20:26

Oh dear. You’ve done your bit, I think for now, leave it be and see how you feel in a few months.

Can I ask, is this behaviour very out of character for your friend?

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 20:33

@sassbott

Oh dear. You’ve done your bit, I think for now, leave it be and see how you feel in a few months.

Can I ask, is this behaviour very out of character for your friend?

Absolutely out of character, it's like she's a different person.

I accept I did wrong but having my apology spat back in my face has made me think maybe this friendship is not meant to be.

And to the posters wondering why I didn't run after her, she said some quite insulting words to me and stormed off.

OP posts:

TooBigForMyBoots · 26/07/2021 20:35

What did she say @JorisBohnson2?

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 20:36

@MaMelon

I’m really sorry to hear that JorisBohnson2, it can’t be easy losing a friend of 28 years like that.

It could also be that the friendship has just run its course, exacerbated by your very different approaches to everything opening back up. It’s a very divisive time.

Id say our approaches to post covid socialising are polar opposite, I was excited to meet some new people IRL and she was very covid- paranoid... non covid times I would not have been so bothered about befriending strangers and she probably wouldn't have told them to f off either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 20:43

@TooBigForMyBoots

What did she say *@JorisBohnson2*?

Basically that she was still unhappy and I hadn't accepted what I'd done... and that I hadn't been worried about the 27 years friendship then so why now etc..

OP posts:

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 20:46

@TooBigForMyBoots

What did she say *@JorisBohnson2*?

Did you mean when she stormed off? That I was a dickhead and to grow up

OP posts:

BronwenFrideswide · 26/07/2021 20:53

I find that really odd behaviour of yours OP, you were there to socialise with your friend of 28 years and you left her alone to make new friends? No wonder she has called time on the friendship, that's not acceptable covid times or not.

Basically that she was still unhappy and I hadn't accepted what I'd done... and that I hadn't been worried about the 27 years friendship then so why now etc..

Not wrong is she.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/07/2021 20:53

Exactly how did you word the apology though, op?

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 20:57

@BronwenFrideswide

Basically that she was still unhappy and I hadn't accepted what I'd done... and that I hadn't been worried about the 27 years friendship then so why now etc..

Not wrong is she.

They came over to our table initially to 'mingle'. I then bumped in to them on the way back from the loos.

I didn't go there thinking ooh who can I befriend from all these randoms or anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 21:01

@CandyLeBonBon

Exactly how did you word the apology though, op?

As nicely as I could... as the PPs suggested.

OP posts:

sassbott · 26/07/2021 21:06

I think we are seeing a lot of peculiar behaviour as people emerge / socialise after what has been a brutal year and a bit.

I would look beyond the defensiveness and anger and ask myself if she was ok. Especially as it is out of character. We can all mess up, you’ve apologised. Can you ask her if she’d agree to meet you over a coffee for a chat? See if it can be resolved in person?

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 21:08

@sassbott

I think we are seeing a lot of peculiar behaviour as people emerge / socialise after what has been a brutal year and a bit.

It's gone past that point unfortunately. I can't envisage us ever speaking again now and we don't really have any mutual friends. I have friends of mine who know her and vice versa but not really mutual we usually socialise just the 2 of us which on reflection is probably partly why it went pear shaped.

OP posts:

BronwenFrideswide · 26/07/2021 21:14

They came over to our table initially to 'mingle'. I then bumped in to them on the way back from the loos.

and your friend who you were supposed to be out with socialising didn't want to mingle with them, she wanted an evening with you and only you, yet you still tried to force the issue on your friend by staying with them on the way back from the loo leaving your friend alone at your table giving her the option of sitting there on her tod or joining this new group. You made it obvious you didn't want to be just with her by staying with the group on your return from the loo, no wonder she views you in a different light now and doesn't want to continue being friends with you.

Can you really not see or understand how appallingly you behaved towards your friend of 28 years?

Original poster

Metabigot · 26/07/2021 21:17

@BronwenFrideswide

They came over to our table initially to 'mingle'. I then bumped in to them on the way back from the loos.

Can you really not see or understand how appallingly you behaved towards your friend of 28 years?

I can see it and already said that. I don't think it's dumpable following an apology though. I accept her view differs.

OP posts:

MaMelon · 26/07/2021 21:22

She maybe just needs time - in her eyes the two of you went out for a quiet drink, probably the first time in ages, and you effectively said ‘your company is not sufficient’ and then stood by and said nothing while a group of strangers that you’d decided were great company made fun of her. That’s pretty hurtful - and if she’s feeling anxious and maybe not in the best place mentally she’s probably taken a bit of a beating that night. She’s lashed out at you in return and is probably not feeling very charitable at the moment.

Oblomov21 · 26/07/2021 21:35

I'm with her. The fact that you even did any of this, would make me question your emotional intellect. The fact you even needed to post this thread to ask is literally staggering.

Oblomov21 · 26/07/2021 21:37

And this is nothing to do with covid. These rules apply to any time. If I was meeting a friend, and she spent more than about a few minutes talking to anyone else I'd be

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