Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

[RozHuntleysLeftHand]

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

Wow, the gaslighting and insanity on this thread is unreal. OP, sending a handhold.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Oh and I think I may even have made up a few swear words when I found out about my ex's cheating.

But as long as you feel morally superior by having a more limited vocabulary, that's great. Go you!

It's the OP who has a limited vocabulary, mostly words beginning with 'f'. Think of all the extra effort to type that word so many times - her post would have been half the length without that.

I agree with you @hawleybits.

If my husband went on holiday with our children, my DSD and his ex I'd hit the roof.
His children aren't young, no reason for his ex to be there. If she is still close to ex MIL then she can visit her another time when your husband isn't there.
People are saying nothing is going on because the children and his mum are there but so what?
There are going to be plenty of time when they can be alone, especially in the evening /night.
I'd be telling him to leave. Even if nothing is going on he lied to you and didn't even bother to make sure you were okay for money before he left. Then on top of that he kept your child from contacting you.
No matter what people are saying, no one would be okay with that. You are about as far from unreasonable as is possible.

OP, have just read your last thread. You're not one to hold back and it's two months on , so what did you say to him about all the messages ? Was it all settled between you until you found out about this latest problem ?

How was it your son's 8th birthday in the previous thread but he's now nine ?!!

Reading your old thread OP puts it in perspective. Sounds to me like you were the glam bit on the side when he was still married and now he’s seeing her in a new light. To be frank he sounds a total disloyal knob- and regardless of the fact it’s ‘family’ (it is and as second wives you have to be aware of that) he shouldn’t have lied- but then I suspect he lied to you when you met him. I would end things, a man who hasn’t got time for you , but strangely has lots of time for texting ex wife has unfinished business as they say. It’s all very well having amicable relationships with exes , but not if you are behind them in the queue for his attention

Yes @butterpuffed, I wondered that too.

I'd go there. You know where they are. I'd bloody go there.

@butterpuffed

OP, have just read your last thread. You're not one to hold back and it's two months on , so what did you say to him about all the messages ? Was it all settled between you until you found out about this latest problem ?

How was it your son's 8th birthday in the previous thread but he's now nine ?!!

People change their DC’s ages a lot to try and keep it a bit less likely to be outed.

I would leave him. Even with all the other things aside, I would never forgive a man who refused to let me speak to my own child, knowing I was worried.
He has lied to you, manipulated you and been cruel in denying you contact with your own child in order to cover up his lying and manipulation. That's all you need to know really. I'd be raging.

I hope you can calm down before he gets back, if you don’t he’s likely to head right back out the door again without anything being discussed or sorted. Your do need to tell him how this has affected you, but calm down and listen to his side of things. Swearing like a trouper at him won’t help either.

OK so I've had tea (it did not help).

(Oh and I will swear.....I'm stressed and tearful and angry and MN is the only place I can express that freely without * all over the place)

I can't go back and reply to everyone individually, but I will try and reply generally.
I could really use MN today because apart from a couple of close friends, there's no one else to speak to about this, and just talking about it and getting different perspectives is helpful, though sometimes difficult to read!

My last thread about this- I'm sorry for not going back to it, I kind of pushed it all to the back of my mind because 2 days after DS's birthday my Nan died, and the last thing I needed to do was open that can of worms. (For those who haven't read it it's linked upthread, but basically I discovered texts on DPs phone the day before DS birthday, talking to his ex whilst never mentioning it to me, despite the girls being in their 20's)

But yeah he never explained what was going on or anything, even though I did ask him briefly after DS birthday, but I was feeling so much guilt/grief after Nan dying that I just shrugged it away.

I have never, ever objected to, or tried to prevent a relationship between him and his ex, in fact I'm the one who fucking encouraged it for the sake of the girls when we first got together, while he was saying he hated her (ex) and didn't want anything to do with her.

And yeah I suspect now after being on MN for so long and reading all the scripts, that I actually was the OW, but I didn't know it at the time. (All the "we never sleep together we just still live together for the kids" crap)

So that's why I'm worried you see, because if he could lie like that at the beginning...well.......

His mum is not dying or anything, just getting much frailer and he was getting worried about her.

The most horrible bits of this for me are
a) he sold it as a break for me as well "for my mental health" knowing full well this was planned
b)I let him use the last of our money, leaving me skint until Wednesday because I wanted him to have a nice time with all the kids and he's using it to take them all for lovely meals while I basically eat whats in the cupboards
c) he refused to let me speak to DS for nearly 2 days, even though all I wanted was a quick call at bedtime, and wouldn't even text me back when I asked if they were ok, and were they having a nice time etc.

That last one really got to me, I wasn't expecting much, I thought he was having fun, so didn't expect more than a quick reply like "Having great time on the beach" or "Sorry didn't call I fell asleep, but I did want to speak to DS briefly at bedtime, and it just didn't happen until really late last night, at which point DS let slip ex was there and I suddenly realised why "D"p wouldn't let him speak to me.

I don't know what's going on to be honest, but the constant lying and withholding contact from my child is fucking mad.

Oh and yeah I change ages slightly when I post....though I'm not sure what difference it makes.

MN can tell you I've been here for years and years under different names.

I'm just looking for advice/support/ a talking down because everyone I could speak to apart from my Dad is at work and Dad is shit at this stuff, bless him!

Maybe they are just friends. I mean they were together with kids once right?

That being said if that were the case, he should have made an attempt to invite her to group things and with you included. Not been shady and lied to you and seen her privately. So you have every right to be fuming.

I'd call his bluff. I'd be calm as fuck when he gets home and go 'I'm really disappointed in you for lying to me. But I've thought on it and I understand that this person was a big part of your life for years so its understandable she might be a friend. So I'd like to become her friend too, that way we can hang out together and it wint be inappropriate. So, I've messaged her on fb to invite her for dinner on friday' and then offhandedly look at you phone and add 'oh, she has just replied. She is asking me to give her a phone so I'll do that just now'.

And then just watch his face. He might even assume she intends to tell you what is going on and still the beans first.

Hi Roz, I hope you're ok today. Has there been any further contact from DP overnight? When are they due home?

Oh and yeah I do want "my baby" back.

I'm sorry for sounding mad but our son is my world and the fact that he's hundreds of miles away and I'm not even allowed to fucking speak to him, nor get a text about him (because "D"p is covering up whatever the hell is going on)is really worrying me.

If I can't trust him to simply send a one line text to say everything is OK and stop DS from speaking to me, what else is he capable of??

It's the deceit I couldn't get past.

Why lie if he's confident it's all innocent? Not out of fear of OP's reaction, because that's a reaction to being lied to & the deceit that's been going on behind her back.

Why would he anticipate anger if he knows for sure that everything is above board? Surely he'd explain it all as it happens in normal conversation with OP, as you do when you sharing things in a relationship. Not go about covertly sending texts, having phone calls & arranging trips away. That's not the actions of someone who's content that they're not doing anything wrong.

Id love to call his bluff but that won't work because she hates me Umbrella (though no wonder if I actually was the OW?)

geo no I haven't heard anything at all, not a fucking peep and I am going a bit mad here because of that!

June this is a massive part of why I'm so upset, it's the lies and the sneaking about and the potentially planning this for months whilst using my Nan's death as an excuse to get to to stay home.

It does just feel so deceitful.

**get ME to stay home that should have said.

I don't know what to think after reading everyones replies tbh.

I honestly didn't go straight to affair, but it's fucking weird all the same, and the lying and withholding contact with DS is a big fucking deal anyway??

Aaaaaarrrggghhh

Look, people work in different ways when they are in shock/angry. Some people are analytical, view a situation from all sides and consider every possibility. Some people get angry! I feel like the OP is generally driven by emotion (as am I) and this situation is no different. She is angry, but probably also scared stiff that her marriage is falling apart and so is the family unit they have built over 12 years! She is entitled to emote in the first instance of shock however she likes! She isn't running the streets screaming in anguish, she is venting! She may stay angry, or she may burn off the initial anger and shock and then be able to look at the situation with a more calm and analytical mindset! However the OP reacts is her nature, let her 'seem a little crazy' in a situation that is quite frankly a little crazy!

I am a step parent who now has a child with my DP. If, when we got together 8 years ago he explained that he had a relationship with his ex that meant they regularly chat about the kids, do day trips or holidays together etc I would have had the option to say yes I can deal with that, or no that would be too much for me!

If all that time ago he had said he hated his ex, and continued to mention this for a couple of years but then sat me down and said do you know what, we are adults and we are going to try to co-parent and communicate for the good of the kids then that would again give me the choice as to what I can handle and allow us to discuss boundaries.

If after years of professing to hate someone all of a sudden he withdrew from me and started having conversations and meet ups that were deliberately kept from me with that person without saying something to me then I would be pretty damn angry! Because it is dishonest and cagey and he could have saved a whole lot of emotion if he simply said they were talking because of XYZ and she needed support/they are trying to have a healthier relationship for their children regardless of age/other reason etc then again this would give the choice of how much OP can deal with.

Unfortunately what OP got was a decline in her relationship, coming home late at night and what appear to be texts and conversations conducted in secret outside of the home! When women come onto MN to say their DP is being cagey with his phone, suddenly working later than usual or has withdrawn from the relationship the general consensus is that he is up to no good and they should 'get their ducks in a row' and prepare to LTB but because OP has reacted in shock and anger in the first instance and vented she 'seems a little unhinged' and is told that this is why he didn't tell her?? If he was upfront and honest maybe she wouldn't have to go off the deep end because she would know! When you discover someone has lied to you, especially after a period of unusual behaviour, your natural reaction isn't to say oh that's OK! It isnt to wonder why they are lying and what else they are lying about!

Just because OP was angry, hurt and emotional she is being labelled as a crazy woman! Some people scream into cushions to let their emotions out, some people plot and plan and analyse, some people seek support or write a venting post on a forum whilst hoping for support or a hand hold while spouting a few well timed F words! Why is her reaction to shock, fear and anger wrong and someone else's is right? If this were me I would be the same! Someone else may not and that is also OK! What is not OK is victim blaming and attacking the character of someone who has already said they are struggling to cope mentally and has had a pretty awful period! Her feelings are real and valid and she is entitled to deal with them however she sees fit as long as it is not hurting anyone else. She is not vandalising belongings, or physically harming anyone. She hasn't burnt down the house, or scratched up his car or gone to the MILs and screamed on the front porch! She is frustrated, shocked and angry and has vented her feelings in the absence of being able to have a conversation with her DH because he has refused to be in contact and withheld contact from her child in the process! Can we just get off her back and allow her to process her emotions?

Does she hate you because of things he has told her? Infact, do you know she hates you or is it just that he has said she does?

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

OK so I've had tea (it did not help).

(Oh and I will swear.....I'm stressed and tearful and angry and MN is the only place I can express that freely without * all over the place)

I can't go back and reply to everyone individually, but I will try and reply generally.
I could really use MN today because apart from a couple of close friends, there's no one else to speak to about this, and just talking about it and getting different perspectives is helpful, though sometimes difficult to read!

My last thread about this- I'm sorry for not going back to it, I kind of pushed it all to the back of my mind because 2 days after DS's birthday my Nan died, and the last thing I needed to do was open that can of worms. (For those who haven't read it it's linked upthread, but basically I discovered texts on DPs phone the day before DS birthday, talking to his ex whilst never mentioning it to me, despite the girls being in their 20's)

But yeah he never explained what was going on or anything, even though I did ask him briefly after DS birthday, but I was feeling so much guilt/grief after Nan dying that I just shrugged it away.

I have never, ever objected to, or tried to prevent a relationship between him and his ex, in fact I'm the one who fucking encouraged it for the sake of the girls when we first got together, while he was saying he hated her (ex) and didn't want anything to do with her.

And yeah I suspect now after being on MN for so long and reading all the scripts, that I actually was the OW, but I didn't know it at the time. (All the "we never sleep together we just still live together for the kids" crap)

So that's why I'm worried you see, because if he could lie like that at the beginning...well.......

His mum is not dying or anything, just getting much frailer and he was getting worried about her.

The most horrible bits of this for me are
a) he sold it as a break for me as well "for my mental health" knowing full well this was planned
b)I let him use the last of our money, leaving me skint until Wednesday because I wanted him to have a nice time with all the kids and he's using it to take them all for lovely meals while I basically eat whats in the cupboards
c) he refused to let me speak to DS for nearly 2 days, even though all I wanted was a quick call at bedtime, and wouldn't even text me back when I asked if they were ok, and were they having a nice time etc.

That last one really got to me, I wasn't expecting much, I thought he was having fun, so didn't expect more than a quick reply like "Having great time on the beach" or "Sorry didn't call I fell asleep, but I did want to speak to DS briefly at bedtime, and it just didn't happen until really late last night, at which point DS let slip ex was there and I suddenly realised why "D"p wouldn't let him speak to me.

I don't know what's going on to be honest, but the constant lying and withholding contact from my child is fucking mad.

In response to your last post a few things stand out. Despite all the concern on the last thread all that seems to have materialised is that he was in contact with his ex. Nothing to suggest that that contact was romantic but equally you didn’t discuss it enough to be satisfied that it wasn’t. So the only thing you know is that he was in contact with her which is something you say you don’t have a problem with.

you say he sold it as a break for you knowing full well what was planned but as several people have pointed out you have no way of knowing that, there are other possibilities that mean it is entirely possible he didn’t know she was going to be there when he and you were discussing the trip.

In terms of spending money- you have no way of knowing who is paying for what but you have jumped to a certain conclusion.

You say he refused to let you speak to your son. What exactly do you mean by that? You seem to suggest he has been slow in responding to messages etc which wouldn’t be entirely unexpected if they are having today’s out etc. It may not have been a good time to speak to your son if he was playing in the sea for example? Equally it may be that he is withholding contact but it doesn’t seem that you can definitively come to that conclusion. If you are very concerned why not call MIL and ask to speak to your son and see what she says. Given that your son mentioned the ex being there it has obviously not been presented as a massive secret.

Lastly if your partner really was living with the mother of his first two children when you got together than it seems odd that you would not have considered that you were the OW.

He may be an awful cheating arsehole or there could be a much more reasonable explanation but if he did cheat on her to get together with you then it does make things a little clearer

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

June this is a massive part of why I'm so upset, it's the lies and the sneaking about and the potentially planning this for months whilst using my Nan's death as an excuse to get to to stay home.

It does just feel so deceitful.

You do need to stop,breathe and calm down.

Not because you aren't entitled to your feelings and there's definitely plenty to be angry about, but because you will need a plan and to think rationally about what's going to happen next.

Exploding all over him like you did here , will just give him ammo to blame and gaslight you. The paranoid,crazy,psycho,controlling wife narrative. He lied because of your behaviour etc. The same bullshit you've had from some posters here.

Where do you want to go from here? What do you want to happen next? Is an actual affair your line in the sand or is the lying and what's going on enough?

When are they due back?

a) he sold it as a break for me as well "for my mental health" knowing full well this was planned

Did he definitely know that she planned to be there or did she just turn up with her daughters? Seems a stupid thing to do with a 9 year old there, instead of just saying he was going for a walk or something and meeting up with her.