Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

[RozHuntleysLeftHand]

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

It was sold to me as a holiday to see his mum, meeting up with adult DSC there, and giving me a break at the same time, not visiting his dying mum urgently or anything.

Now I'm thinking he's been selling this for a while.

And sorry I haven't been clear I'm just so fucking shocked.

I thought I was being ridiculous and hugely paranoid and that's why I'm so shocked because that worst niggling, weird thought in the back of your head that you dismiss as stupid??
Well it turned out true for me.

If he met his adult DC there then it's entirely possible that he didn't know the ex was coming until he arrived, unless he picked her up on the way. He then panicked knowing OP would react this way so tried to keep it quiet until he could speak to her in person. If his adult DC decided to go to the beach with their mum then his choices were to not let his DC go to the beach, let his DC go with the ex/they step siblings, go with the group.

Seems much more plausible than using his adult DC and a 9 year old (who he know was perfectly capable of telling OP) as cover. If DC had been a toddler then it would have been more suspicious.

OP, you really are not being crazy, unhinged, or even unreasonable. You've only been bashed by some posters because you are a stepmum and lots of posters on Mumsnet have their own agendas about stepmums and therefore no matter what you had posted they would have slated you.

Of course you are feeling awful that your DP has gone on what seems to very much be a 'family holiday' with his ex wife and all of the children whilst engineering a way for you to not be there, lied about it, ignored your calls and dragged your DS into the lie. It's completely out of order and anyone who wasn't projecting their own circumstances could see this. It isn't even the principle of whether he is having an affair with her or not, it's the whole dynamic of this situation.

@xsamix86

OK, so if I understand this correctly: you have been together 12 years, over the course of which you have at least had a part in raising his now adult children as well as having a child of your own. Over the course of this 12 years he has occasionally or consistently given the impression that he cannot stand said ex.

Roll on 2021 and for some reason you have noticed he has become distant with you, refuses to speak with you and regularly starts coming home late which is out of character for him. It turns out that actually, coincidence or not this coincides with an apparent raft of phone conversations with the ex he purported to hate? Even to the point of refusing to be in contact with you in favour of her. I think I would have been confused and pretty pissed off at the very least by that! A lie of omission is still a lie! Very odd he never mentioned it and it seems calls were timed for when he was out of the home! If it were innocent I would have expected my OH to mention it.

So moving forward to this week. He very kindly almost insisted you stay home and 'rest' whilst he takes your child off for a visit to his mums to give you a break and them a mini holiday. However, he failed to mention that he may see this ex, or even pick up the phone and allow you to speak to your son and then you find out completely by accident that he has conducted another lie of ommission? Yeah I would be pretty fucking pissed too and fearing the worst!

Did you speak to him about how his actions made you feel after your sons birthday? Had you spoken about how you have noticed his distance, getting home late etc and seen all the requests for communication? If you had he would probably know that you felt pretty damn uncomfortable with the situation, and regardless of whether he wanted to spare your feelings he should have said he was going to see her, whether it was planned or spur of the moment! Because otherwise there is always the risk of you finding out (which you have) and even if it is innocent the way he has gone about it makes it look pretty bad from your perspective. I just cant see how you can profess to dislike someone for 12 years and then go on to start having clandestine conversations and meet ups with them all of a sudden and expect your partner not to jump to conclusions. Its the lying and the sneaking around that makes it look very suspicious. If it was as simple as she has come out of an abusive relationship and needs a shoulder to lean on and has no one else then why not say that in the very beginning without you having to find things out? Im not surprised you are fucking angry!

This is only sensible, well summarised post on here.

I would be livid op!!

The downright disgusting nasty replies shame on you!! Would you be so nasty in real life? Haven't you learnt from Caroline Flack dying that words impact on mental health?

OP you sound like you have been a victim of gaslighting. I recognise that helpless panic / anger

OP, is very upset yet some posters are nit picking and having a go at her. Just stop it. Why make a woman who is in despair feel worse?

What's the matter with you, that you think it's OK?

Leave her alone, you bullies.

@DancesWithTortoises

OP, is very upset yet some posters are nit picking and having a go at her. Just stop it. Why make a woman who is in despair feel worse?

What's the matter with you, that you think it's OK?

Leave her alone, you bullies.

This.

I would NOT be happy.
Lies and manipulation all round.
Fucking awful.

OP, when are they due back ?

None of this is okay, OP. You sound angry and panicky and all over the place - and that's completely normal and understandable in your situation! I look back on how I was when I thought my husband was cheating and I looked and sounded like a crazy person. That's what they do to you. I don't like the sound of this at all. He deliberately lied and manipulated the situation. Even if he isn't cheating, that isn't how a nice or honest person behaves. None of us can tell what's going on here but personally I think it sounds like an EA at least. It's not a nice place to be in though OP.

It's strange to me that some poster are whipping OP up into a frenzy, convinced he's having an affair when there is no proof. There is only evidence he may have lied, but if he did he was always going to be found out anyway, so what was the reason behind the lie?

Lies aren't OK, but I know of lots of people who are still close to their ex in-laws and don't just cut off contact.

OP, has his ex had to travel a long distance to go there or is she close by?

It might be all innocent but the lying would do it for me! Sneaky bastard.

@Doyoumind

It's strange to me that some poster are whipping OP up into a frenzy, convinced he's having an affair when there is no proof. There is only evidence he may have lied, but if he did he was always going to be found out anyway, so what was the reason behind the lie?

Lies aren't OK, but I know of lots of people who are still close to their ex in-laws and don't just cut off contact.

OP, has his ex had to travel a long distance to go there or is she close by?

This. The lying obviously isn't great, but there are posters here who are whipping things up into a frenzy and trying to convince the OP that her husband is clearly having an affair - how is that helpful? He might be, but there's no evidence of that.

To the PP who called me a liar - I'm not, I just don't believe that people own other people.

I've just read OP's previous thread (I have no idea how to link it to this thread but OP did ask someone to) and whilst after only reading this thread, I said that maybe it's innocent, after reading the previous one, I don't hold that view now.
Not only was he messaging her and probably meeting her behind your back, he's now gone away with her too!
I'd have his bags packed ready for him when he gets back. Sleaze bag

so I might be being massively unreasonable, I don't know

This is the reason you're feeling so shocked and horrified. You've kept your instincts surpressed, and now they are allowed out (because you've found out they were right) they're like an explosion. Listen to your gut in future and, although bad things may still happen, they will not be at this magnitude and you will not feel so blown away by them.

If I was in your position I would feel exactly the same. Take the day off and go there, get a friend to take you. Just go, see what's going on and bring your son home.

I would be very surprised if they’re conducting an affair at MIL’s with all children present.

The lying is not okay, and not your fault, but your reaction may have made him feel like he didn’t have a choice.

My DP has children in their 20s with his ex and they are in regular contact. They get on better now they’re not together. It’s not a big deal, and as far as I’m aware he doesn’t lie about their contact.

Well. I see the ‘kick you whilst you’re down’ brigade were out in force last night. Especially surprised to see @RedToothBrush taking aim as well, I’d have thought you of all people would have been supportive of someone who’s obviously distressed.

It’s not about what he might have done it’s what he has done.
He’s lied. Made a joke of the ex going whilst knowing full well she was and then he’s dragged a child into that lie by withholding contact so child doesn’t drop him in it. I can just imagine the whole “don’t tell mum she will be mad” conversation.

As for what now. In the first instance I’d probably go up myself for a few days. Return early with the child and get everything in order, copies of paperwork etc. Whether he’s a cheater I don’t know from just this thread but he’s certainly a liar.

I'm still in touch regularly with ex mil and visit her whether ex new wife likes it or not . Don't understand the crying and shaking and wanting "your baby" back?
I do understand that you have been lied to and that's not on , have I got this wrong and he's lying about his elderly mother and they've all gone on a jolly up instead?
If not, then maybe he lied because he knows how you over react ?

Hey everyone.

Thanks for all the messages.

Just reading through now and will try and answer some questions when I've got a cup of tea inside me.

I managed a couple of hours sleep, it's so shit because my mental health had already dived during the pandemic, then DP talking to his ex on the quiet, then my Nan dying and now this, I'm not in a good head space right now anyway.

I would be upset that there has been lying but agree, I won’t be crying or shaking.

I don’t think he is having an affair with the ex in from of his three children.

What I would want to know is why he didn’t tell me, where she staying, who invited her, what they have been doing and why didn’t he invite me? Also if he is falling out of love with me… hence his distance behaviour.

What is the OP planning on doing? Will she leave him for lying or talk to him to get a better understanding of the situation? Hope you have a clearer mind this morning.

Morning, I hope you've managed to get some sleep.

I can understand how upset you must be, I think it's the breaking of trust that would push me over the edge.

From another perspective he shares a past with her. My sister and I are both in our 30s now and live in a slightly similar situation. Our parents like to see each other to chat about relatives, mutual friends, us. It's purely platonic however my dad's current wife can't stand it.

We see it as really weird - they have a shared history and shared interest, why shouldn't they be able to talk. It's not about happy families at all. It probably provides comfort to his older children.

I hope that you can both move forwards - I am sure that it nothing untoward.

Once again OP raised a genuine concern and once again a shit ton of crazy Mumsnetters completely miss the point.

What the OP has described is MENTAL. Her partner and father of her child goes away on holiday, taking his ex wife with with him for absolutely no reason whatsoever (because their mutual children are ADULTS), doesn't mention it and you still all think OP is in the wrong?

Wtaf is going on here???

OP don't pay any attention to the idiots here saying you're being dramatic or whatever else. It's practically gaslighting and what I would expect to read from your partner not a bunch of women on a so called support system.

I have been there and remember how you're feeling so clearly, in my case my gut feeling was right and it wasn't a good outcome. I hope you're ok today.