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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

433 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 25/07/2021 23:42

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

OP posts:
korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 09:43

Were they living together with their kids when you got together?

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 09:43

Thanks xsiamix86 I am just processing really....I don't what to do with myself or my thoughts or feelings right now if that makes sense?

Umbrella she always hated me, but now that I think about it it was DP telling me that so I don't know?

OP posts:
ObviousNameChage · 26/07/2021 09:45

Oh and for everyone saying that it just wouldn't happen because the kids and MIL are there... men can do use their kids to facilitate an affair. Like taking the kids to the OW's house for a playdate with her kids to give their mother a "break". Like using their pics to play the devoted single dad role on dating sites. Like using the kids for cover because "of course there's nothing going on, the kids were there!!" . It's happened to more than one of my friends, all made to think they're bonkers and ridiculous because the kids were there.

Affairs aren't just about shagging, they can also be about spending time together,forming connections,talking , enjoying eachother's company.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 09:49

korawick I get what you are saying, but so much about this feels so wrong, and he literally ignored me, not even a one line text, for nearly two days, who can't send a one line text on the loo or whatever?

Obvious they are due back Wednesday.

I know I need to plan, breathe and all that, but at the moment all I can do is just be a bit freaking out, and venting here is bloody helping tbh.

OP posts:
korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 09:51

Why not call MIL and see how she seems?

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 09:51

slash I have no idea if it was actually planned like that, but it seems weird that two 20 somethings would take their mum to visit with her ex IYSWIM?

They're both fully independent adults, and I can't see either of them suggesting this really?

I don't know, I'm fucking confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 09:54

MIL is not in a good place mentally and the last thing I need to be doing is getting her involved in this, though I will say she never really liked me either because I wasn't "a nice girl like ex" so......

She told DP when I got pg that we should abort him. But seemed to come round, but has never treated DS like the older grandkids.

OP posts:
xsamix86 · 26/07/2021 09:57

Process as much as you need to. It's harder when he is not even there or available to have a conversation with and hash things out so all you have are thoughts going round in your head. It's a tough situation because no, you don't know what is going on because you haven't been told. All that leaves you with are questions and conclusions. Make sure you take some time out and do some self care. When I'm angry I listen to loud music (using Earphones so I don't disturb anyone else) and rage clean, then have a soak/cry in the bath whilst listening to an audio book. I couldn't imagine my child being away from me for days and not having any contact or communication! That would drive me insane. I am happy to chat any time if you want to reach out.

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 09:57

I ask again were they living together with Kids when you got together?

Thamesis · 26/07/2021 10:00

I'm so sorry OP, what a shocking experience Flowers. I haven't read everyone's replies but wanted to say I have been where you are now, some similarities, and I understand how blindsided you are.

It really is the lying that hurts and angers so much, the subterfuge and deceit. My head felt weird for quite a while and I had some weird kind of reality check moments where I'd just be baffled as to how I got to that point in my life.

Try and take time to process the fact you partner is not who you thought he was. This is not on you, take comfort from the fact that this has not happened because of how you behaved but because of him.

Keeping you from contact with you DS is unforgivable but is an indication of who your partner prioritises in life - not your son, not you, but himself. Bear that in mind for future reference. So sorry you are going through all this.

JuneJuly · 26/07/2021 10:01

So the only thing you know is that he was in contact with her which is something you say you don’t have a problem with.

She doesn't have a problem with it if he's going to be open & honest about it. He's been neither.

It may not have been a good time to speak to your son if he was playing in the sea for example

It would have taken seconds to send a quick text explaining that. Certainly, he should have been proactive in communicating with OP by the evening.

xsamix86 · 26/07/2021 10:04

She already said when they first got together he had told her they were separated but living together. Considering the DCs were about 8 at this time I would also assume that yes, the kids were also living there.

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 10:04

Affair aside, I wouldn't want my DD on what would to her seem like a family holiday with my DSS and his mother, and I think you are entirely within your rights to be livid that he has done that behind your back. With a MIL that doesn't treat him as well as his half siblings, too.

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 10:05

@xsamix86

She already said when they first got together he had told her they were separated but living together. Considering the DCs were about 8 at this time I would also assume that yes, the kids were also living there.
That is my interpretation of the OPs posts as well but I am asking her to confirm it as if it is the case it puts everything in a totally different light.
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 10:07

Sorry korawick to my shame they were living together. I got the usual "we're only living together for the kids" line, but I was much younger and naive and had been in a horribly abusive relationship just before.

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 26/07/2021 10:07

She probably knows he's a chat as he probably cheated on his ex with the op. I knew that was coming about 10 posts in.

TomAllenWife · 26/07/2021 10:08

@IAmNotAClownfish 100% this

DP talks to his ex, will sometimes put a picture up for her etc, however if he went away with her for the weekend for ANY reason we'd be fucking done

Regardless of whether there are kids, old or young, there's no excuse for being away for a weekend with your ex

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 10:09

It doesn't make any difference if he cheated on his ex with OP, that's no longer relevant.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 10:10

Having been on MN for years now though I know that "we're only together for the kids" is classic cheaters bollocks, but I just didn't know that at the time!

OP posts:
RevolvingPivot · 26/07/2021 10:12

@aSofaNearYou

It doesn't make any difference if he cheated on his ex with OP, that's no longer relevant.
No it just shows he's a cheat that can do it again. He may not have cheated on his ex though. Op have you tried calling him?

It's weird how if he was having an affair why he would take the children.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 10:15

I was actually looking forward to a relaxing break and now I just can't relax or focus or even eat now. Sad

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 10:17

You can never truly trust a cheater he has form knows the game Flowers
His defensive hate talk around exw was a smoke screen.
It's no wonder you're paranoid.
He made sure he kept you both apart.

korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 10:17

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Sorry korawick to my shame they were living together. I got the usual "we're only living together for the kids" line, but I was much younger and naive and had been in a horribly abusive relationship just before.
This does put a different spin on things really as a) yes she probably does hate you b)sounds like MIL has never been too fond of you and may well consider you a 'home wrecker' for her first 2 DGC (i am not saying this is the case but may well be her view as she would be more likely to blame the OW than her own DS, despite the fact he is the one who cheated) C)In light of the above it is much more plausible that they organised this get together - MIL may even want them to get back together, who knows? d)I think the reason you are so angry and jump straight to cheating is because you know already he is a cheat because he cheated with you and i suspect you have known that from the beginning.

It's a shit situation and having seen you on other threads i know you have a lot of trauma that has shaped who you are and is probably the reason that you let yourself be used by him in the first place. The fact his ex has come out of another abusive relationship recently makes me wonder if he is the type of man who like to be a 'rescuer' but is actually the problem himself as he simply exploits women when they are vulnerable.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 10:17

He won't speak to me, when I begrudgingly got a phone call late last night and DS let it slip, I tried to talk to P and he did the audible equivalent of rolling his eyes and said something like "I knew you'd be like this that's why I didn't tell you" I've asked him to call me but...... Nothing silence

OP posts:
SheABitSpicyToday · 26/07/2021 10:17

I know you’ve said that mil isn’t dying, but you have said she’s gotten frail and your husband is worried. I’m his head it may he just as bad, and may have said to ex if would be her last chance to see her. If mil doesn’t like you which is what I suspected all along, she may well have requested to see the ex.

It sounds shit, I’m sorry you’re going through it.