Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

[RozHuntleysLeftHand]

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4241049-Someone-talk-me-down-before-I-ruin-poor-DSs-birthday
Yep it is an affair, sneaky hand hold on the beach.
OP's previous thread.

You are not over-reacting. I’d be livid.

I hate lying so much and the liars who try to blame you for why they lied. It's the same with cheaters funnily enough.

So he's having a nice family holiday away at his mum's. But leaving an important part of his family out of it. And lying to her about it. And possibly going to have his son lie about it? I'd be fuming too.

I'd pack his stuff up and have it there for when he returns... wave him Goodbye..

Try and get some sleep.

From what you've posted I think you are right to feel upset and angry.

It's not at all appropriate for him to have "cut" communications with your child to cover up his deceit.

Neither was it to frame this visit as a "break" for you in order to maintain the lie that his ex won't be there.

However I'd urge you not to jump to conclusions that there is something going on with his ex (though don't discount the possibility).

That doesn't excuse the lying and preventing you speaking to your child though.

The "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be like this" is typical gaslighting behaviour.

It moves the "blame" from the perpetrator to the victim.

The response is simple - "Of course you knew I'd be upset and angry that you lied to me, prevented me speaking to my child and encouraged them to lie to me to cover your deceit. You knew because that's a perfectly rational response to someone whose behaved as you have."

Don't let him shift the blame from him to you. "You knew what you were doing was wrong and did it anyway. You told multiple lies and manipulated me and our son." Etc

This isn't about him visiting his frail mother with his kids.

It's about the lies and manipulative behaviour he exhibited to do so.

I am in utter disbelief at the number of posters who think OP is overreacting.

I think you are too! 😂

‘Worst nightmare’....really?

A partner taking the kids to a family gathering with his ex in attendance is as bad as him dying in a car crash? The kids also dying in a car crash? One of you getting terminal cancer?

Absolutely an overreaction.

OP - his previous comments that he "hates her" is a massive red flag to me - sorry for the cliche but the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference - to hate is a very strong emotion and likely indicative of some residual feelings. From sounds of it, ex wife has just become single again, is using him as crutch and he's lapping it up.

You've got to get out of this relationship before you lose your mind. No you're not crazy and YES it's as bad as you think and maybe even worse

And what kind of idiot makes his son some kind of accessory to his affair? Just disgusting and you need to LTB (after driving to get your son)

It doesn't sound like an affair to me. He always knew the lie would be discovered, as he took ds.

I wonder whether it was led by his children. My grown up children like nothing more than seeing me and their dad together, getting along. I can imagine them asking for something like this.

This thread is wild.

OP you are not overreacting. Your partner taking his ex on holiday to visit your MIL is not OK (with or without kids).
In my world taking your ex on holiday and lying about is not a normal thing to do. I would be devastated.

I'm amazed how many people are saying they'd be fine with it and making excuses. I suspect most are just AIBU posters looking for a fight. You may have had different responses if you'd posted during the daytime or in relationships instead.

Anyway, I'll be the one to say you should LTB, you deserve better than someone who would blatantly lie to your face and try and keep your son in on the secret too.

I read your first thread OP - what did you actually do about the messages once your Ds's birthday was over and the vodka had worn off)? Because you had an enormous flap about it in May (when somehow your DS was nearly 8 as opposed to 9 two months later) then never updated. Have you just stewed until now?

How do you know they are "playing happy families" on the beach with the ex? Did your child tell you that? If so I'm sure it wasn't in those terms so what gloss are you putting on it?

Basically - I don't think you're unreadable to be annoyed about him lying to you (both about the messages and about her being there WITH THEIR KIDS while visiting their gran).

BUT in both your posts you come across as so incredibly intemperate and melodramatic that if this is what you're normally like I can imagine why you have been lied to.

In your other post you also said it would be "karma" if he was cheating on you with her - what does that mean? Were you the OW? If so YABU to be annoyed even if he is cheating - you lie down with dogs, you rise with fleas.

Seriously drop all the screamy drama - "I want my baby home" because your son is on the beach with a (presumably non-child-eating) woman? "My worst nightmare" - if as someone with a child currently not with them the worst thing you can think of is that their dad may be playing hide the sausage with his ex then I feel sorry for your son. He is safe with his dad. "My head is spinning" - maybe you need to take a deep breath and calm down. And stay away from the vodka shots. "What the fuck do I do??" Bluntly, this may be an affair. It may be the end of your relationship once you've had a proper discussion about it, if it transpires he is cheating. What it isn't, right now, is an emergency. So what you do is message to say you are not happy and will discuss it with him when they get home and your DS is in bed. Then do whatever you were planning to do until then,or maybe write out what you want to say to him/s list of questions you want honest answers to when you have your conversation later. Otherwise from how you come across I can imagine it's going to be an unformed rant and he will just switch off and wriggle out of discussing it because you're being "irrational". Have a game plan for that conversation and stick to it.
Are you getting treatment for your depression? Do you have a counsellor/therapist you could try and get an emergency appt with to help you get your head straight?

Roz, you are being entirely reasonable. For months your P has been channeling so much emotional energy into his Ex while creating distance between you.

@xsanix86 has done an excellent job of summarizing both of your threads. I recall the first one, and wondered if you ever confronted P about the changes in his behavior, his disrespect towards you, and his multitude of secret messages/calls with Ex. It sounded like they were building intimacy by playing Rescuer and Damsel, despite his previous spin of disliking her.

He has now manipulated you and engineered this cozy trip with Ex and the children. His sabotaging your communication with DS to keep you in the dark is despicable. His priorities are clear, so don’t fall for his blame shifting.

Roz, are devaluation, deception and manipulation dealbreakers for you?

Honestly due to the way you've reacted I'm not surprised he didn't tell you in the first place.

People lie rather than face the reactions from being honest .

@hawleybits

I feel for you but I do agree that you'd find people to be more sympathetic to your situation if you cut out the immature swearing. Sure, swear and cuss but do you have to actually type it? It doesn't show you in a good light.

Are you in Boden, or in bed reading MN? You don't have to read it if it offends you too much

How do you both normally communicate in a disagreement?
Are you both able to listen to each other.
I say this as ranting won’t get you anywhere. He will use it to his advantage.
Off course your angry but Wack a cushion to get it out and then take your time to write down what you are unhappy about - how deceitful he is being, ask to see him phone if you feel the need - communicate how you want things to be going forward and there must be consequences if he lies again. Off course if you have prof they are having an affair then you need to decide what to do.
Try and make sure your son isn’t around when you have the discussion.
Do not grill your son when he comes back - although tempting.
How long did he go away for?
Only you know if he genuinely thought you needed a break or if it was deceitful.

No matter what anyone says here you've decided he is having an affair. I also have a feeling that you would have flipped out if he had told you she would be there. The poor guy can't win.

All those fucks flying off the page.

In your other post you also said it would be "karma" if he was cheating on you with her - what does that mean? Were you the OW?

I may be wrong, but I think op was told she wasn't the OW, but now suspects she may have been?

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

I have never had a problem with him being friend's with ex'es, I just expect some fucking honesty.

And It's not "uncontrollable rage", I am so angry because he lied, sold me a break for myself and then went behind my back.

I could have gone, but no, he made it clear I should take some time to myself.

How many of you honestly would be ok with that?

You’re absolutely right. Mumsnet is a strange place, especially AIBU. No one I know in real life would be ok with this. He’s lied and been sneaky. There’s no reason they should all be there together. She could visit his mother with her kids or on her own if she wanted to.

He’s been really sneaky and the situation is really weird. I have an older step child. There’s been no reason at all for my DH to have anything to do with her or speak to her since their daughter was about 16.

I’d say this relationship is over to be honest. Xx

How are you feeling this morning OP? I don't buy into lots of the red flag/ LTB stuff, but I do believe in trusting your gut. You're the one in this relationship, you're the one that knows the background and what he has said or done before. If you feel something is not right, then go with that feeling.

I hope you can find some peace and clarity to work out what is best for you and your child.

This is not ok, OP, he has lied to you and avoided your calls, preventing you from speaking to your dc.

@hawleybits

I feel for you but I do agree that you'd find people to be more sympathetic to your situation if you cut out the immature swearing. Sure, swear and cuss but do you have to actually type it? It doesn't show you in a good light.

Oh for fuck’s sake bore off.

You need to take a breath. He and his ex will always be linked - they share children. That doesn't end the moment those children turn 18. If they were really going for a dirty weekend together do you seriously think they'd (1) stay with his mum and (2) take your son? Be rational. To be honest if I knew my partner was going to fly off the handle in such an extreme way whenever I didn't behave exactly as they wanted then I'd probably be economical with the truth too. You sound like very hard work.

@thecognoscenti i highly doubt that you would be fine with this in the same circumstances. It’s a shame that taking a pop at OP is more important to you than being honest.

I'd be telling him to bring my child home right now.

Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you this way.

I'd be considering leaving him for sure.

Hope you're okay.