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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

433 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 25/07/2021 23:42

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

OP posts:
korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 10:49

Once you realised you were the OW did you really deep down still think he was one of the good guys?

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 10:50

Sorry first bit of post was to Drained.....I don't know anything anymore tbh?
It's hit me that he's nt the good guy I thought he was and it's fucking horrible.

I'm supposed to be doing housework and sorting DS's room out, that was my lovely plan when I thought they were having a "Dad and kids" weekend away, but now I'm just kind of paralysed.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 10:52

korawick I don't know tbh.

It was only after we had DS and I started reading MN that I realised what he had said when we got together was basically a script, then life blah blah and I just put it to the back of my mind I guess?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 26/07/2021 10:53

You can't trust him, he isn't a good guy, he has played the game keeping women in his life separately covering his lies by telling bigger lies keeping everyone apart.

Umberellatheweatha · 26/07/2021 10:54

I would genuinely drop her a message. Once he is home though so he cant immediately head fuck her.

'Hello, I'm Alan's wife and I found out something strange from my son a few days ago. That my husbands ex partner was with them on a trip they had gone on! As I'm sure you can imagine, this seems dodgy as fuck to me. He has never been particularly complimentary about you (sorry, I'm sure you're lovely for what its worth) so why is he suddenly on a bloody holiday with you? I wonder if he has been lying to us both. Either way, woman to woman I would like to know what the heck is going on. Do you think we could talk in person sometime? Thankyou'.

What have you got to lose? Sure she could lie or reply nastily but its worth a try.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 26/07/2021 10:54

If he cheated on his ex with you, which seems highly likely, the last thing he’s going to do is sit down and discuss things openly and honestly. He’s a cheat, he doesn’t do openly and honestly.
It’s very unlikely that he will do anything to harm your son, by your own admission, but I totally get why you are beside yourself at him not letting you talk to him. I would go ballistic too. He obviously wanted to keep this meet up with the ex as quiet as he could for as long as he could, but now it’s all out in the open. Maybe his meeting with the ex is innocent, but why lie then.
The lies, deceit, withholding contact with my son would be it for me. Now you have acknowledged that you were probably the OW, you must see that you can’t trust him and the only truth you will ever get is HIS truth, aka a load of self serving bollocks.I’d not have any interest in keeping this liar in my life

Flumps44 · 26/07/2021 10:57

You said you suspect you was the OW on your previous thread.
Was you really hoping he’d be any different with you?
Also is it any surprise she hates you?

whynotwhatknot · 26/07/2021 10:57

Hes a gaslightging bastard op youre not overreacting-if it was innocent he would have told you

Zebraaa · 26/07/2021 11:01

I think you’re over reacting. Is he really going to cheat on you infront of your son, who he knows will tell you she is there?
Please don’t let mumsnetters twist into their typical “all men are abusive” scripts.

Opentooffers · 26/07/2021 11:13

It's clear his ex hated you because you were the OW. Hate is as strong an emotion as love, so if you no longer care for a person you are nonchalant, there is no love or hate, I'd wonder about any man who hated their ex for that reason. Living together in a marriage with DC in itself made you the other woman whether sex was occuring or not, so it was clear from the start that you always were, if you are being honest with yourself.
Is there a big age gap between you and DP, given that you have a large gap in DC ages? It could mean that he will always have more in common with his ex than yourself, especially if both are approaching retirement age, gaps show up more around this time.
Given that your DP has consistently done a certain amount of lying over the years, I'd be inclined to bypass discussion with him and contact his ex to get the lowdown, a chat between you could be quite enlightening for both of you and is long overdue ( and would be his worst nightmare, so no more than he deserves).
Try to stick to logic and be as calm as possible ( you do seem in a heightened emotional state). What do you want out of the future given what you know so far ? Are you able to fund your own separate life? Do you have shared ownership of your house? I'd use the time you have left to get your ducks in a row, seek out important docs around the home, proof of his earnings etc for CMS - just in case worst should happen, or you can't get past what's gone on.
Act measured when he gets back ( even if not feeling it) that will blindside him and confuse him like hell, because he's probably expecting you to go mental, so just do the opposite ( punch a pillow, go for a run, down the gym, whatever works when he's not around to get rid of the pent up emotion and anger you feel really). If you can, get hold of yours and DC's passports and keep them safe.

QueenCoconut · 26/07/2021 11:13

Hi OP
How far away are they? If you are not working is it within reasonable distance for you to join them ( or pick up your son and bring him home ) you have every right to not be happy with this situation if you are being prevented from talking to your own child.
I’m not suggesting any extreme confrontations but i can’t imagine being left alone for a few days with no contact with my husband/ child while they spend a mini break with his ex wife.
You could also meet her in person have a civilised conversation (hopefully) and see with your own eyes what’s going on rather than being gaslighted when he returns on Wednesday .

I wish you all the best

aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 11:23

@Zebraaa

I think you’re over reacting. Is he really going to cheat on you infront of your son, who he knows will tell you she is there? Please don’t let mumsnetters twist into their typical “all men are abusive” scripts.
And what about if she just wouldn't want her son on holiday with his ex? Respectfully, you haven't really thought this through fully.
aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 11:23

@QueenCoconut

Hi OP How far away are they? If you are not working is it within reasonable distance for you to join them ( or pick up your son and bring him home ) you have every right to not be happy with this situation if you are being prevented from talking to your own child. I’m not suggesting any extreme confrontations but i can’t imagine being left alone for a few days with no contact with my husband/ child while they spend a mini break with his ex wife. You could also meet her in person have a civilised conversation (hopefully) and see with your own eyes what’s going on rather than being gaslighted when he returns on Wednesday .

I wish you all the best

Yeah I would strongly be considering going to pick DS up.
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 11:36

I can't pick DS up, they are on the Isle of Wight and I am 250 miles away, don't driven and have no money to pay for a train that far, this is part of what is upsetting me.

The thought that they're all having a lovely time on the beach while i sit at home stressing is fucking awful.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 26/07/2021 11:38

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

I can't pick DS up, they are on the Isle of Wight and I am 250 miles away, don't driven and have no money to pay for a train that far, this is part of what is upsetting me.

The thought that they're all having a lovely time on the beach while i sit at home stressing is fucking awful.

But as others have said, it's the perfect opportunity to gather all the paperwork you might need, make a plan and pack his bags! That'll wash away what a lovely time he had when he gets home.
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 11:44

But now my latest fear is..... What if they don't bring him home?

My instinct has been right so far, so what do I do if they don't?

I really want to be the person who leaves the bags on the doorstep but what if they don't come back?!

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 11:46

Also this is a rented house and in both our names, but there is no way I can afford the rent without his salary.

Shit shit shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 11:47

Oh god I've got texts about playdates now. I can't even think.

OP posts:
korawick12345 · 26/07/2021 11:51

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

But now my latest fear is..... What if they don't bring him home?

My instinct has been right so far, so what do I do if they don't?

I really want to be the person who leaves the bags on the doorstep but what if they don't come back?!

So now you are catastrophising again. You said yourself you were the main driver off him seeing his daughters when he left his kids the first time round, he's not going to suddenly want to be superdad. If he is planning on getting back with the ex I very much doubt that parenting the OW (as she sees it) child will be high on her priority list especially as her children are now grown up. There really is nothing to indicate he will n to bring your son back
Guavafish · 26/07/2021 11:52

Why wouldn’t he bring his child back to his mother/home? Why would you think like that? Has he done this before?

This relationship sounds toxic and unstable. It’s paranoid and dishonest. You don’t sound happy at all. When they return, which they will, what are you planning on doing?

AlternativePerspective · 26/07/2021 11:58

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Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 12:02

I know I'm probably being melodramatic, it just occurred to me and I have no where to put it down except here.
My mental health has been shit for a while and now I'm thinking maybe they'd just get on better as a family without me??

I'm being g ridiculous but then I thought that P taking DS to see his mum but secretly meeting his ex there was stupid, so I just don't know anymore?

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 26/07/2021 12:04

Lots of people regret having affairs, just because he now engages with her doesn’t mean he’s sleeping with her, but he may regret having left her for you, and given how you come across I can see why.

OK wow thanks.

I might have to step away for a while.

OP posts:
Draineddraineddrained · 26/07/2021 12:05

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

My mental health has been shit for a while and now I'm thinking maybe they'd just get on better as a family without me??

Sorry are you suggesting because you're pissed off with your husband you think it would be better to leave your son without a mother?

AdobeWanKenobi · 26/07/2021 12:07

It's a lot to take in and your head is everywhere. Deep breath. Stop running through a million scenarios and concentrate on the current facts as you have them.

For now make the most of the space you have for thinking and planning. As I said before photocopy paperwork and put everything in a little file somewhere just in case.
Do some research into benefits and help you might get if you did split and get a clearer picture of your position.

You can do this, you just need to be calm and collected.