Fuck fuck fuck someone speak to me please

[RozHuntleysLeftHand]

My fucking worst nightmare has just been fucking realised and its really bizarre and I am freaking the actual fuck out.

Too much to put in one post....I cant fucking think straight.

A while ago I posted that "D"p hencforth known as Lying Cunt Face had been talking to his ex behind my back.
(been together 12 years, 1 DC age 9, they have 2 DC both in their 20s)

He touted the idea of taking DS to visit his frail, elderly mum this week, with the DSC, great I get a break, plus he also pushed that as it was my Nans funeral last week and I was miserable, that it would give me a chance to heal.

For some reason I was suspicious that ex would be going, but I told myself I was being crazy paranoid, I don't even know why I suspected but I fucking did.

Well it turns out I was fucking right.

I got suspicious cos despite repeated requests to let DS call me/ just text me I got no reply. (and who fucking does that anyway? I just wanted a quick call at bed time ffs)

So eventually I get a call, and DS lets slip the girls Mum is fucking there.

DP refuses to discuss it and says "I knew you'd be like this which is why I didn't tell you".

Well fucking yeah!!

If he'd been honest from the start....but even then....

I had to be all bright and breezy on the phone to DS....but I'm fucking shaking and my mental health was already shot and this.....

I want my baby home.

I'm fucking shocked and angry and so so sad.

HELP ME

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Thanks xsiamix86 I am just processing really....I don't what to do with myself or my thoughts or feelings right now if that makes sense?

Umbrella she always hated me, but now that I think about it it was DP telling me that so I don't know?

He probably told you she hated you to put you off ever trying to contact her directly, 'cos then you'd have found out the truth of their circumstances at the time you met.

Fwiw, & from what you've said, I don't necessarily think that an affair is what's going on yet. It seems like they're getting closer again through having whatever conversations they've been having over the last few months. As that's been happening he's withdrawn more from your relationship. He knows this, & that it's not ok, which is why he's hasn't been honest about it.

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

He won't speak to me, when I begrudgingly got a phone call late last night and DS let it slip, I tried to talk to P and he did the audible equivalent of rolling his eyes and said something like "I knew you'd be like this that's why I didn't tell you" I've asked him to call me but...... Nothing silence

I would be absolutely fuming with him for the position he's put you in re. your son on that trip. I don't think it even matters if he's having an affair.

The fact his ex has come out of another abusive relationship recently makes me wonder if he is the type of man who like to be a 'rescuer' but is actually the problem himself as he simply exploits women when they are vulnerable.
This.

@xsamix86. Nail on head. Everyone reacts differently to finding out things aren’t quite as they thought. Initially I misread the OPs opening post and thought it a bit OTT for a day out to his mothers but I get the point now especially after reading the other thread— I think OP that sadly he may well have formed a reconnection with his ex- even if only emotionally. Depends if you can cope with that, or love him enough to put up with it. I certainly wouldn’t like feeling ‘second’

korawick you may be right about "white knighting" if you know what I mean? He rescued me from a very abusive relationship, and his ex just went through the same.

June he may well have done that, I'm now questioning our whole 12 years together.

Sofa this is one of the things that hurts the fucking most tbh. No matter what he got our son involved in whatever this fuck up us.

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Are you saying you think he might hurt your son? And if not what do you mean by "who knows what else he's capable of?"

From what it sounds like, you were his bit on the side who he eventually left his wife and kids for. So it is hardly surprising if he is a deceitful twat. Or that his ex and mother dislike you as women tend to blame other women rather than put the blame where it belongs, squarely on the lying cheating man. Don't make the same mistake. Never mind if he's having an affair now; if you think your relationship began as an affair and he concealed that from you, that's grounds for divorce in and of itself as your entire marriage is built on an unforgiveable lie.

If you're worried about your son's safety and can't get an update/convo with him then call the police. If you're not worried about his safety stop piling on the drama and upsetting yourself for nothing. If his dad is a competent parent then you don't need to worry about him, however much of as shitbag partner he may be. Everything else can wait until he gets back to be dealt with.

But yeah, if you've suspected for a while that he may have been cheating on his wife with whom he had two kids when you got together I don't understand why you haven't already binned him off. I'd be sickened to let such a cheating, lying fucker lay a hand on me.

@SheABitSpicyToday

I know you’ve said that mil isn’t dying, but you have said she’s gotten frail and your husband is worried. I’m his head it may he just as bad, and may have said to ex if would be her last chance to see her. If mil doesn’t like you which is what I suspected all along, she may well have requested to see the ex.

It sounds shit, I’m sorry you’re going through it.

Feels like a bit of a reach.

Even if the case, he could've let ex know to go see MIL at some point soon, didn't need to be while he's there with his D's.

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

korawick I get what you are saying, but so much about this feels so wrong, and he literally ignored me, not even a one line text, for nearly two days, who can't send a one line text on the loo or whatever?

Obvious they are due back Wednesday.

I know I need to plan, breathe and all that, but at the moment all I can do is just be a bit freaking out, and venting here is bloody helping tbh.

Wednesday, you've got time then. Definitely rant,rage and fucking swear on here if you need. You need an outlet in order to clear your head and make sense of it all. You'll have a million feelings and thoughts swirling through your head and bubbling up. If other posters can't deal with that, it's their problem. This is your life, and about what you need.

I'm sitting on my hands trying not to text him

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

korawick you may be right about "white knighting" if you know what I mean? He rescued me from a very abusive relationship, and his ex just went through the same

I think the pattern here isn't white knighting, it's serial abuser. Women tend to go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship until they get some therapy/support/insight into why the choose these men. So both you and his ex are probably serial victims and he is part of both your pattern.

That should be ds

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

korawick you may be right about "white knighting" if you know what I mean? He rescued me from a very abusive relationship, and his ex just went through the same.

June he may well have done that, I'm now questioning our whole 12 years together.

Sofa this is one of the things that hurts the fucking most tbh. No matter what he got our son involved in whatever this fuck up us.

I mean, what is your poor son going to think on holiday with his dad's ex? That could be so confusing and upsetting for him and is not a situation I would ever consent for my DD to be in.

It seems like he is a tactical player in life, keeping ex, mil, current partner separated, spreading hate between them.
I'm sorry OP he sounds like a conniving snake who tells a lot of lies.

Drained it's not that I think P will hurt him, but I would like to have a line of communication, because where they are has dangerous riptides/dodgy cliffs and P is not a vigilant parent, and would spend 3 hours lying down on the beach listening to the radio rather than actually watch DS......one of the silver linings of this is I guess there are more adults there?? (grasps at straws) but I'd still like to speak to my young son for a couple of minutes every night!

Obvious This is helping at the moment, I'm still in a state of no sleep and shock and I'm processing the shit going on and don't really know what to do.

@RozHuntleysLeftHand you KNOW you were the OW and probably deep down have known for a long time possibly always. You feel a sense a shame attached to that (whether you should or not is a whole other thread!) and as a result it's possible that you have never felt entirely secure in your relationship. That is completely reasonable but I suspect some of your anger is actually with yourself that you buried your shame and therefore your suspicions to the extent that you had a child with this man and are now facing a relationship breakdown. The level of anger a rage in your posts doesn't make sense in response to the current issue but makes perfect response as a level of rage directed at yourself.

Please give yourself a break, it doesn't sound like your partner or his MIL are very good people. He has taken advantage of you both when you got together and I suspect for a while now, you deserve better but you won't ever get it from this guy. You say you came out of an abusive relationship into this one so you have never had a period of establishing yourself on your own and recovering from the abuse before getting involved with someone. None of this is intended to read as criticism or blame of you in any way.

Don't text or call him OP, let him stew.

Despite his protests of 'I knew this is how you'd react....blah fucking blah" he knows full well that you're justified in your reaction. Let him think that you are biding your time until he's back & leave him to wonder what he's coming back to. That'll spoil his remaining time there.

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Thanks for defending me on the swearing!

Yes I bloody swear a lot, especially right now!
It's what I love MN for!

I honestly don't know if it's an affair or what?

It seems ridiculous but I'm so blindsided by this, even though I suspected it IYSWIM I just don't know what the fuck to think??

It's all so bloody weird.

But I keep coming back to the lying, and them on the beach, where I could have been if he headn't persuaded me out of going "for my mental health", having fun and not letting me speak to my own child when I asked, even though I said I just wanted a quick chat to my son.

YANBU - it’s just weird behaviour and you have every right to feel blindsided and very weird about it. On a group trip to NY, where we were sharing an apartment with my ex’s friends, he waited up til 2am to make sure one of them arrived ok (she was coming on a later flight). They were thick as thieves all holiday and it made me feel weird as he had NEVER mentioned her at all to me before this, like literally not once ever mentioned they were pals - I thought she was just someone on the periphery of the group who he barely knew. The disconnect between his actions and what he had told me just was so so odd it really upset me. Whether or not anything is going on in your situation that’s not the point- it’s the lying. Hope you are ok

Sofa that's whats hurting the most, DS not knowing whats going on, and christ knows what's gonna happen when they get back between me and P, and all of this could have been avoided if he'd just spoken to me like a normal human grown up and not gone all weird for ages then had a holiday with his ex behind my fucking back.

[quote Draineddraineddrained]@RozHuntleysLeftHand

korawick you may be right about "white knighting" if you know what I mean? He rescued me from a very abusive relationship, and his ex just went through the same

I think the pattern here isn't white knighting, it's serial abuser. Women tend to go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship until they get some therapy/support/insight into why the choose these men. So both you and his ex are probably serial victims and he is part of both your pattern.[/quote]
This - particularly if in OPs previous relationship the abuse was more overt she may have thought as this relationship was better than the last one it was a 'good' relationship rather than simply a less bad one or one that is bad in a different way.

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Thanks xsiamix86 I am just processing really....I don't what to do with myself or my thoughts or feelings right now if that makes sense?

Umbrella she always hated me, but now that I think about it it was DP telling me that so I don't know?

It's common for cheats and dickheads to play you and the ex off against eachother. It's called narcissistic triangulation. Let me guess, he told you she was 'nasty/crazy' or that they stayed together as long as they did just for the kids. And every time he wants to shag her again, he tells her the same thing about you. It helps to tell you both that you hate eachother because then you won't talk to eachother and find out the lies he has Bern spreading about the other person and the state of your relationship.

Have you ever spoke to her yourself in person?

I wish I'd listened to the voice in the back of my head now.

But what kind of evil mother doesn't let their son go on a holiday with his older sisters to see Granny??

So what could I have said?

I fucking knew something was up though, I fucking knew it and it was the exact worst case scenario and I felt like I was going mad for thinking it.

Oh god he's been encouraging me to go away as often as he can recently.

I can't at the moment anyway, and thought he was being nice but now I'm sooo suspicious.

OP, you have every right to be angry and every right to assume the worst given the lying that has gone on.

And given MILs reaction when you got pregnant I would assume that her loyalties lie with his ex.

MIL doesn’t sound frail and if she was the ex could have visited on her own, or with her adult kids.

Blaming you for his lies (“I had to lie because I knew you would be like this”) is gaslighting and typical lying cheater abusive shit.

And he clearly has no kindness for you as he is now refusing to talk.

He’s planned the whole thing, hasn’t he? The run up concern for MIL, the bugging up if giving you a break..,He just didn’t have a solution to the Ds factor. So thought he would style it out with blaming you and blocking.

If it was innocent he could have said ‘ex and DSK are up at MIL’s, I think I will pop up and let Ds spend some time with his Nan and half siblings, what do you think?’

Sorry you had to contend with a load of people who lost the power of reading beyond your first paragraph last night.

And once a thread goes beyond a page posters need to use the ‘read all’ button before replying to an OP.

You don’t have to reply individually to posters.

Time to take stock OP.

I would be kicking him out.

Do not message him OP. I appreciate how full of rage and anguish you are (I've been there), but there's nothing he's going to be able to say to make the lying and quite frankly shadiness okay. He's just going to gaslight you. I would be packing his stuff if it were me. Whether you both get through this, who knows but at least show him you mean business. Without throwing something at him .

I don't know if I would say abusive there but you've said hits home a little hard so maybe??

Umbrella yeah she was the crazy ex! I know I know fucking script all over, but he was always one of the "good" guys you know?

My heads at a million miles an hour right now