Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Naimee87 It's lovely that your son is open with you and you have a good relationship.
I think you'll both do fine navigating the world of puberty, emotions and sex.

My update with Mr K is that we had a kind of chat about us but as I wasn't prepared and was driving at the time I didn't say everything I wanted🙄

For those who don't know the history, we met on Fab nearly 2 years ago, started as FB,progressed to FWB as both of us adamant we didn't want a relationship due to past relationships which were crap. I got the impression he wanted more and in June 2020 we had 'the chat' and became boyfriend/girlfriend and agreed to be exclusive - we'd actually been exclusive for 7 months but not discussed it.

My marriage was emotionally abusive (with loads of emotional affairs) and Mr K's last relationship ended as she kept cheating on him and his marriage before that ended as his wife cheated on him. So we've both got pretty messed up heads. I've always been honest about my heart being made of stone and my barriers being up so high and Mr K has always been honest about being guarded and no longer wearing his heart on his sleeve.

You all know I didn't invite him to an extended family get together but we discussed it and can see each others points of view.
My family is now having a family get together and I've mentioned it to Mr K, my mum asked him if he was invited and he said he thought so, I said I had invited him but not confirmed the date as there were 2 possibles and I hadn't seen him since the date was agreed.
On the drive from my mums to mine he asked me why I was so reluctant to invite him, I told him that I know we're both emotionally unavailable but that I don't know where I stand with him as he's such a closed book and I don't want to introduce him to the family members he hasn't met yet if we're not even serious as I'll look a right twit if we split up in the future.
He told me he thought we were rubbing along nicely and did I not think so.
I said I thought we were but that means nothing long term, he said he is happy as we are.
I mentioned again that I don't want to live with anyone, merge lives or finances etc and what if in 5 years he realises he does want that.
He said 5 years is a long time away and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

What I didn't say was that I want to know why he has not introduced me to his parents or friends and that I feel I'm more committed than he is as he's met a lot of my family.
I'm hoping he's just being cautious rather than not introducing me because we're not serious. Plus for the first 12 months I was adamant I didn't want to meet them, well we were only FWB but I've been open to meeting them for quite a while and mentioned it to him but still nothing.

I plan to speak to him next week about this and depending on the answer it could be the end☹

My attachment style is fearful/disorganised and the sentence that sums me up is 'I want to be loved but I don't want to be loved'

I don't want him to tell me he loves me because I don't believe in love and I'm not able to say it back.
I'm not sure what I want but its not this limbo state of not knowing.

95% of the time I'm not fussed about what we are but 5% I am and I'm currently in the 5%.

Sorry that was along ramble.

Can I ask you ladies what you think about height when it comes to OLD?

I can understand women wanting a taller guy but I know some who are about 5'3" who only want a 6+ foot kind of guy... Isn't a few inches taller enough? I know we all have preferences but I'm wondering if anyone has any thing to share on it, Im a taller than average woman, and do like a tall man but it's not a deal breaker, my ex was slightly shorter and to me he was sex on legs..

However through the purely physical filter of OLD i rarely swipe on a guy below 5'10.. I feel bad for the short guys!

Side note I had a flirt this morning in real life and it was soooo nice and a novelty. Football coach (who I know is single as seen him on hinge) flirted with me this morning when I dropped DS off and I enjoyed it and felt all flustered 😂

@SortingItOut
I can understand your reluctance on the family event if it's already imbalanced where he's met some of yours but you haven't met his. Just for your own safety in terms of pacing things (I can totally relate to what you're saying about not wanting to merge finances etc with anyone again after a difficult past rship, I'm firmly in that camp as well).

Do you think if he says he will introduce you to his family you will be happy to progress things with him? Are you saying if he's not keen on doing that then things may end? X

Is it not possible he might not be introducing you to family because of something to do with them, rather than something to do with you or your relationship?

My family are very difficult, so I don't tend to introduce people to them if it can be avoided, and as I don't like be near any of them it's fairly easy to avoid.

@VanGoghsDog

Is it not possible he might not be introducing you to family because of something to do with them, rather than something to do with you or your relationship?

My family are very difficult, so I don't tend to introduce people to them if it can be avoided, and as I don't like be near any of them it's fairly easy to avoid.

This is also the first thought that came to my mind @SortingItOut . Otherwise it definitely does sound as though both of you are fiercely (and entirely understandably, from what you have described) self-protective. It sounds as though it would really be worth establishing some 'rules of engagement' so you can comfortably and confidently progress but still within boundaries that you're comfortable with. So the chat you've started already is a good baseline.

Good points above, introducing a guy to any of my family members is a total last resort for me.

@Bbub how lovely for some real life flirting. Would you be interested in him, if it was to continue?

On the height thing I am only 5' 2 so technically it shouldn't be an issue. But I find the aggressive, bitter tone some men use when referring to their height in their profiles, has made the subject into more of a Thing than it should be. For me it's that nasty tone I swipe left on more than whatever the height someone says they are.

@Eesha thanks for your perspective. No, we haven't met yet. I know for my part I feel a bit of pressure (self inflicted) generally to be this incredibly engaging witty person that any potential iron must want to keep in touch with. But equally I've genuinely not had a lot to say while being away so I've tailed it off for fear of just boring him off WhatsApp.

Excited that you have your second date in the bag for when you come back!

@Bbub Just saying I can meet them isn't enough for me, I want to have met them and I'm prepared to walk away.

When I mentioned I've made more commitment I also feel very vulnerable in letting him meet my family and I hate thst feeling.

@VanGoghsDog I have also thought this, I know he is not close to his mum and she can be judgmental, his dad is a retired lorry driver and is a bit laddy, he has brothers but is not close to them due to age gap and they have their own issues.

I have met his son, just as a friend and because they came to see my animals and once when I drove him to collect a car and his son came too. We also did a farm outing recently, went seperately but met up there.

I also, by chance met his 'kind of ex-MIL' who he introduced me to, as his friend as his son was there, and she already knew about me and was pleased to meet me.

@FireandBrimstone Thanks for your wise words, I agree that we are both fiercely self protective and its such a shame as we are great people, get along great, he's caring and supportive, he's embraced my farm life and put up with my crazy ex (genuine crazy ex, he stalked and harrassed me and then slashed the tyre on Mr K's vehicle when it was outside my house).
I hope we can get through this.

@SortingItOut, what does meeting his family/friends equate to in your mind? What significance does it have in terms of your relationship? As I have discovered myself and through following this thread one size clearly doesn't fit all when it comes to relationships but I was wondering which bit for you specifically isn't what you want. You outline lots of positives, you are on the same page in terms of no plans for blending lives fully/living together and you clearly get on very well physically and socially. But something is clearly a sticking point if you are prepared to walk away.

I'm not sure what I want but its not this limbo state of not knowing

• what do you not know ?

I had started to add this then dived out into the garden to rescue the washing from the heavy rain - hello summer !

@SortingItOut I also think it's probably got more to do with his family. I know it can feel very alienating though if you're not let in. Many people keep their distance from family in intimate relationships as they don't want a niggling passive aggressive commentary from a toxic parent to upset what they have. I wish I'd kept my ex's family at arms length. They were nothing but bad news for us.

I also have another perspective on meeting family. When it comes to relatives, I love my parents & extended family. They are Scots Irish and we are FULL ON. Think - drinking, fights, music, tears, food, singing, open, tribal, warm, generally out there. They are my safe space and my comfort blanket and mean the world to me. I would love a partner again who could be part of that and enjoy it. But, they're strong medicine and actually I wonder now if I'd do the introducing as quickly as I used to pre marriage. Plus they're then always asking about the relationship and want to know how everything is going. It's from a good place but it can be suffocating.

@FireandBrimstone Hi, no we provisionally said a 2nd date for when I'm back but I'm wondering if it will even happen. I plan to just ask casually about it when I get back. I personally feel he's been inundated somehow as he had 3 dates in 4 weeks so despite me thinking it was wonderful, he is probably spoilt for choice!

I think if you haven't met, then keep it light as he doesn't know you yet. If you don't ask, you'll never know.

@SortingItOut what really struck me about your post is how your relationship has evolved really naturally despite the challenges you've both faced. Also that you are both self aware; you where your weaknesses lie and what you need from the other to feel comfortable and keep trying to communicate this to each other.

Agree with others that his reluctance to introduce you to his family could be everything to do with him and nothing yo do with you. My family sound a bit like yours Belladi It can sometimes feel like being in the film The Commitments - loud, sweary and full of emotion. I'm always a bit anxious when I let someone I'm involved with meet them. Based on his history, he may be worried you'll reject him?

Your relationship sounds like it's a work in progress in a positive way. I think you should keep the faith for now.

@Bbub

Can I ask you ladies what you think about height when it comes to OLD?

I can understand women wanting a taller guy but I know some who are about 5'3" who only want a 6+ foot kind of guy... Isn't a few inches taller enough? I know we all have preferences but I'm wondering if anyone has any thing to share on it, Im a taller than average woman, and do like a tall man but it's not a deal breaker, my ex was slightly shorter and to me he was sex on legs..

However through the purely physical filter of OLD i rarely swipe on a guy below 5'10.. I feel bad for the short guys!

Side note I had a flirt this morning in real life and it was soooo nice and a novelty. Football coach (who I know is single as seen him on hinge) flirted with me this morning when I dropped DS off and I enjoyed it and felt all flustered 😂

@Bbub I'm taller than average and like to wear heels. My cut off is also 5"10. I prefer tall men, always have. I guess everyone has a type, so I don't feel too bad about it.

I don't really go for blondes or guys with huge muscles either. I'm open to pretty much everything else so I don't think I'm being too restrictive.

[quote Eesha]@FireandBrimstone Hi, no we provisionally said a 2nd date for when I'm back but I'm wondering if it will even happen. I plan to just ask casually about it when I get back. I personally feel he's been inundated somehow as he had 3 dates in 4 weeks so despite me thinking it was wonderful, he is probably spoilt for choice!

I think if you haven't met, then keep it light as he doesn't know you yet. If you don't ask, you'll never know.[/quote]
I wouldn't question yourself too much. You had a good date - he'll have felt that too.

Even if people are 'inundated' they'll still have their own filters and interests which leads things to fizzle out or go out with a bang.

I'm 5'6" and I prefer men taller than me. I guess 5'9" is the minimum but I'm more comfortable around 5'10"+

My last ex was probably five nine, but before that six foot four.

For me, it's more of an issue if they're very slim. I'm a size fourteen and if someone is slim and not very tall then I feel like a heffalump! Current date is taller than me but very slim, bit worried about that, might need to feed him up!

@Onesmallstep67 In my mind meeting his friends and family means he is serious about us and I'm not just a stop gap.

I'm wary of being taken for a mug or used, I think because we started off as FWB I'm slightly worried he wanted to be my boyfriend so we were exclusive plus of course I don't trust my judgement after staying in my emotionally abusive marriage.

Mr K has said he is very happy, that's he's pleased we met, that I'm very important to him.

I think I'd be ashamed if this relationship went wrong given my marriage also failed so I'm wary of throwing myself 100% in but seem to expect Mr K to throw himself in nearly 100%. After my marriage ended I vowed to stay single forever and kept my barriers up so high, I let them down ever so slightly to let Mr K in but its scary.

@BelladiMamma My family are pretty unique, they are working class, from the countryside and not very well educated so they say what they think. Not everyone gets them so its a big thing to meet them, Mr K really likes them whereas I'm squirming at some of the things they say.

@Languidleopard Thanks for your thoughts, it has been a nice progression.

@Bbub we touched on height earlier in this thread as MrElf who i met online never gave his height away. After we had chatted and swapped numbers i did question him on his height because from photo‘s i just couldn‘t tell. He said ‚please give me chance after i tell you‘ and i‘d already made my mind up that i wanted to see him. He‘s 5‘6 and i‘m 5‘4 and i usually go for tall, but i‘m so pleased i give him a chance. I will add he‘s super stocky and fit. Don‘t think i‘d have been so keen on him if he‘d have been 5‘6 and weedy. How tall did you say you were? But long story short i‘d give the short ones a chance 😁

Tinder doesn't have a height tick box so you just don't know til you meet them, unless you ask, and I don't like asking!

@FireandBrimstone
I definitely want to keep the flirting going but unless I book DS into the camp lots more days it will be limited opportunity lol. At pick up the coach did drop in that his kids were staying with him tonight which could have been a way to let me know he's not married (he doesn't know I already know), could he over thinking but hey it put a spring in my step. He also let me know that my DS had been in time out for being naughty 😅 AWKWARD 😅

Oh BTW he's tall 😁😁😁

@Naimee87
Glad it turned out well for you! It is worth giving them a chance if you really like them otherwise. Stocky and fit is a bonus 😍

BTW I'm 5'7", and the height thing for me is also in the hope that they will be in proportion in the trouser snake department too 😳😳😳 have had great sex with ex who was on the smaller side but still thing its not bad to tick that box if you can.

I matched with someone who has in their tinder bio "back door specialist 😎" I've just asked him but... Does that mean he's into anal?! He's gorgeous but erm no thanks!

Chiming in on the height talk.
I'm 5'7 and have dated both 5'5 and 6'5. I did feel more comfortable wearing whatever shoes I wanted around my iron who was 6'5 and only wore flats around the iron who was 5'5.
I think it also depends on the individual man and if he makes an issue or any negging out of the height difference. I have also found that most men are generous about their height. I have had some claim to be 5'10 but are really my height.

@bbub unfortunately height doesn't always correlate with how big they are. My 6'5 iron was about as big as my 5'5 iron. In fact most men I have dated have been around the same size in that department. But as the saying goes it's not necessarily the size it's how they use it