Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Bbub

Is it OK to say to someone "I don't think we're a good match as I'm looking to meet someone with their own place" or similar

I'm trying to send a one liner to people instead of just ignoring them (I only ignore if the chat is in very early days like a couple of messages in!)

Or is it best to not say anything? What do you prefer? Being unmatched/ignored/honesty?

Honesty is usually best but when it's someone so new I sometimes think I doubt they care.

My approach is to give a reason but keep it very brief. But then I'm still new to all this and haven't hardened up yet.

@Languidleopard he's a depressive and thinks he's heading for another episode, partly triggered by the reality of maybe having someone else in his life again. I'll be honest, I find depressives utter catnip until the get very bad. I find nothing sexier than a melancholy hot male

@WeWantTheFinestWines

....aaaand the thread has moved at speed while I wasn't looking. Spent yesterday at a beautiful wedding, which confirmed to me how much I want someone I can feel strongly about and where it's reciprocated. It also reminded me that there are no better times than those spent belly laughing and dancing with friends.

Today was changeover day - from a week in second abode to a week in the family home with DC and no ex for a week - and DS's 13th birthday. A 3-tier cake and 4 teenagers for a sleepover; wine was well deserved and a week off work is underway.

It's been a lovely little break from the apps and welcome distance to the whole Mr Teacher debacle - that is now truly behind me. Popping onto the thread to catch up with everyone's adventures, doubts, anticipation and realisations is a bit like coming home.

Communication styles, expressing our wishes and setting boundaries are frequent topics that I think we're all learning a little bit more from every day. What a loss it would be if we found our happy ever after and no longer belonged on the thread. Argh!

Really glad you managed to get a break and that Mr Teacher is starting to fade into the distance.

Respect for the teenage sleepover. My Dd is 14 imminently and I'm not sure I could cope with more than one if them for a whole night!

[quote BelladiMamma]@Languidleopard he's a depressive and thinks he's heading for another episode, partly triggered by the reality of maybe having someone else in his life again. I'll be honest, I find depressives utter catnip until the get very bad. I find nothing sexier than a melancholy hot male [/quote]
That's kind of me with Mr Penpal. An anxious depressive. Very melancholy.

@BelladiMamma I'm glad you've got the all clear but 😱 to Mr Beard.

I think you've only met once or twice havent you?
As lovely as it would be I'm sure he's not in love with you as he barely knows you.

Do you think he has run away due to your upcoming operation and because he's emotionally unavailable he can't deal with it?

On the plus side, better to know now than in the future.

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma I'm glad you've got the all clear but 😱 to Mr Beard.

I think you've only met once or twice havent you?
As lovely as it would be I'm sure he's not in love with you as he barely knows you.

Do you think he has run away due to your upcoming operation and because he's emotionally unavailable he can't deal with it?

On the plus side, better to know now than in the future.[/quote]
I dunno I seem to get a lot of 'love' declarations. Not entirely sure what it is I'm projecting to make guys think I want that. Then they have a tendency to either suffocate after they've made the declaration or use it as part of their excuse to back off.

Anyway. Onwards and upwards. I have a couple of irons who've been waiting on coffee meets. Fuck it, I'm going to go ahead and meet them.

@BelladiMamma

Right lovely OLD threaders.

I got the all clear from the hospital. I already feel like a weight has been lifted.

MrBeard has declared he's in love with me but can't do a relationship so doesn't want to meet.

I think I'll just to have a medicinal Negroni. By myself. And print out all his messages and light a fire with them.

Gotta larf haven't you 😂

Thread moves so fast and I'm at work

Yay to the all clear!

Wtf is wrong with him though. I never ran away from a man I was in love with. Utter bell end.

bella well if that ain't the ultimate headfuck...!

Sorry the Mr Beard thing is a bit weird, but so so pleased that it's good news from the hospital. Breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the rest of your life, with or without Mr Beard.

@BelladiMamma Irs such a shame you weren't able to meet more often as the 'relationship' was mainly conducted by message and that can build up into something its not.

Get those coffee dates booked in and don't put all your eggs in one basket again!!

Bella delighted you got the all clear from the hospital. Have that medicinal negroni - it’s warranted. As for Mr Beard - meh!

All this talk of WhatsApp ticks etc has me thinking it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But everyone uses it so I must persist I did spot that Mr TG blocked me yesterday which was really upsetting and made me want to speak to him for a while until I had a word with myself. He has shown who he really was this past month so I need to recognise that and move on.

Good to hear belladi and MrBeard sounds

Maybe chill tonight as it’s been such an up-and-down day and make any decisions tomorrow!

@MayEye that’s really bad behaviour

Just posting on another thread has made me clarify how much I’ve gone off the apps - they’ve been ok for sporadic good dates over the last few years

but I’m just finding it too hard to cope with the weird behaviour/micro aggressions to get the good dates?

I have my own MH stuff/early life trauma to process as well and being bombarded with flaky weirdos who see women as “sources” of sex or stability etc doesn’t really help!

It’s giving me a very negative/cynical view of men and humanity and that’s not good. Even with reasonably good screening it’s just so bad right now.

Not sure if this means upping my game in terms of meeting people IRL - moving means more chances to meet people through work

or just a change of site to one of the paid/more boring/mature ones (go to elite singles or eHarmony if anyone has any experience of either?)

@SpringlikeBunk @SortingItOut @ActonSquirrel @Languidleopard

I'm a fantasist and unavailable. So is he. What a disastrous combo. But one I go for every time!!

To be fair, this version was way less extreme as we were both conscious of it and he's not an addict. So that's some progress?

@BelladiMamma Glad you've had the all clear. Sorry to hear that about Mr Beard. For what it's worth, counter to @Languidleopard I suggest listening mostly to the bit about him not wanting to meet. The in love with you part is just placatory words as he has never met you.

@BelladiMamma

Online meeting people is full of slightly random flaky encounters be nice to yourself you’re doing fine!

There could be something to mull over in that you’re clearly super intelligent/good with words and generally passionate/interesting/an impressive dashing person to communicate with!

So this tends to get types who fall for “belladi the distant glamazon” rather than “belladi the human being”

Like in the Ted Hughes poem - where he and Assia are falling in love with the idea of each other or what they represent rather than just basically connecting as human beings?

I think that’s the inherent flaw of the apps and chatting for ages and getting an idea of someone through social media profiles before meeting?

People can overthink or be overly impressed/overwhelmed by the surface stuff, rather than just think “this person is good company over a coffee”.

Like I’m very sparse on social media but occasionally I do get contacted by someone (often guys from another country) who looks at my details and without meeting assumes I have this amazing lifestyle and would be their perfect woman - but the attraction has very little relation to who I am as a human being or my day to day life.

But that’s just vague musings. For now I’d say just chill out it’s clearly been a mental day!

Thanks guys I just sent a "I don't think we're a good match but all the best" I will stick to that from now on, don't want to get into any specifics. Unless it's because they're too far away which wouldn't be offensive surely. I always try and remember owe these guys NOTHING.

In the same way that they owe me NOTHING (at the start at least). It's nice if we can be decent to each other but it's not owed, I just hate being strung along. That's never OK.

[quote Shayelle2009]@Misty9 have you heard from him yet??

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards yaaay you're going on a date zero?? Excited for you 🥰🥰[/quote]
@sheyelle I might be. He hasn't replied to my message yet. Part of me hopes he won't because I'm so nervous and scared. I don't have much in common with him, and part of me wonders why he's been so quick asking me out when we haven't even spoke much. 😘😘

@BelladiMamma glad to read you got the all clear from the hospital! ❤️

Oh, he's just said he's free at the weekend. I'm not unfortunately, because I've got coursework to finish. ☹️❤️

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Online meeting people is full of slightly random flaky encounters be nice to yourself you’re doing fine!

There could be something to mull over in that you’re clearly super intelligent/good with words and generally passionate/interesting/an impressive dashing person to communicate with!

So this tends to get types who fall for “belladi the distant glamazon” rather than “belladi the human being”

Like in the Ted Hughes poem - where he and Assia are falling in love with the idea of each other or what they represent rather than just basically connecting as human beings?

I think that’s the inherent flaw of the apps and chatting for ages and getting an idea of someone through social media profiles before meeting?

People can overthink or be overly impressed/overwhelmed by the surface stuff, rather than just think “this person is good company over a coffee”.

Like I’m very sparse on social media but occasionally I do get contacted by someone (often guys from another country) who looks at my details and without meeting assumes I have this amazing lifestyle and would be their perfect woman - but the attraction has very little relation to who I am as a human being or my day to day life.

But that’s just vague musings. For now I’d say just chill out it’s clearly been a mental day! [/quote]
Yup. I hear you

But ffs I am so bored of being single. I’ve got a nice house, a bit of money, a nice arse. No one to share the blessings with

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Oh, he's just said he's free at the weekend. I'm not unfortunately, because I've got coursework to finish. ☹️❤️

Could you manage a coffee date zero as your break? X

Maybe it's not meant to happen for me yet? ❤️

My CP is playing up as well, so that makes everything harder 😘

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Maybe it's not meant to happen for me yet? ❤️

My CP is playing up as well, so that makes everything harder 😘

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you get some respite from it soon 💜

@BelladiMamma my mum would have to drive me and she's working this weekend ❤️

@BelladiMamma thank you. I hope so too ❤️

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma my mum would have to drive me and she's working this weekend ❤️[/quote]
Ok. Tricky then x

@BelladiMamma indeed 😘❤️