Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote SpringlikeBunk]**@Languidleopard* I agree with @BelladiMamma* .

Is he “insisting” on these and does he know that you don’t want to?

If he just thinks “it’s what you want as well to keep in touch ” then you just need to communicate your preference.

If he doesn’t respect that boundary I’d say he’s a no-goer.

There’s a lot of really pushy entitled demanding types on apps and as soon as they have your number you feel like they’re “checking up on you” every day/asking for more photos/wanting to control your time. It’s not flattering it’s a nightmare tbh.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk no, he wasn't insisting, more like quite persistent, iyswim. And yes, I definitely should have communicated my preference more clearly.

There were also a few amber alerts I registered but then ignored. He lived so far away, seemed unconcerned about meeting up, overly impressed with my profile pics (I am a fairly average looking middle aged woman, happily so!), wanting to chat about the minutiae of our respective days at length etc etc.

I've seen a few men specify "not looking for a penpal" on their Bumble profiles. I understand where they're coming from now 😁

I've learnt a lot from this experience.

[quote Naimee87]@Languidleopard its dangerous i find to get too txty before meeting because like you said it can feel like there is an amazing connection already there and when you meet its massively disappointing. Not always though! I think the advice on here is absolutely what you should do and just let him know you want to wait to properly get to know each other on the date.
@Dirtyduck this is really annoying when you can see someone online but they haven’t replied. I know this feeling well. Is it that he can’t respond so would rather not open your txts? Or is it a real change in how’s been earlier? I can’t quite remember if you’ve met already? It’s just so hard to know peoples motives behind messaging and the power the messages or lack of messages can have on your mood/emotions.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards great to hear from
you!! 🙋🏻‍♀️🤩
@Heartbeats0708 good to hear MrD’ been there for you with this news! Good way to suss out a bit more if his character! Sounds all positive! Yay! MrElf is here at the moment and we’re discussing a mini trip for next week! Crossing fingers it’ll happen. Its amazing how easy he is to be with/get along with! Feels like i’ve known him so much longer than i have! 🤩
@Misty9 as easy as it is to say just get rid as he hasn’t shown you any care especially if your daughter hasn’t been well it isn’t easy to just forget/move on. Do what feels right for you and your happiness. The way we feel ultimately is up
to us and if someone is bringing us down getting rid in the long-run is for the best! Maybe your suited better to a MrGreen Eyes 🤩 he’s out there for sure![/quote]
Thanks @Naimee87 I actually wasn't feeling an amazing connection with him, although he seemed to think he had one with me. Maybe he did! I can see how it can happen.

I can only get a proper sense of someone if I meet them in IRL. How they look, sound, even smell! I need to know how their actual physical presence makes me feel, I guess that's just how I am.

@SortingItOut

Very apt for this thread

😆

....aaaand the thread has moved at speed while I wasn't looking. Spent yesterday at a beautiful wedding, which confirmed to me how much I want someone I can feel strongly about and where it's reciprocated. It also reminded me that there are no better times than those spent belly laughing and dancing with friends.

Today was changeover day - from a week in second abode to a week in the family home with DC and no ex for a week - and DS's 13th birthday. A 3-tier cake and 4 teenagers for a sleepover; wine was well deserved and a week off work is underway.

It's been a lovely little break from the apps and welcome distance to the whole Mr Teacher debacle - that is now truly behind me. Popping onto the thread to catch up with everyone's adventures, doubts, anticipation and realisations is a bit like coming home.

Communication styles, expressing our wishes and setting boundaries are frequent topics that I think we're all learning a little bit more from every day. What a loss it would be if we found our happy ever after and no longer belonged on the thread. Argh!

Love that 🥰

Agreed what a loss it would be ☺️

Am having a horrible evening of self doubt. I'm pre menstrual, back in hospital tomorrow and from lots of messaging and sweet nothings all weekend, all I've had are two messages today from MrBeard. He did, however, say he was back at work and had had a long day, at which point I said I'd been resting and getting nearly recovered from my injury. Since then he's been online all evening and I haven't heard from him again. Jeez I hate crushes. They drive you nuts.

I'm also feeling anxious because MrBear has been holding onto my daughter's laptop and not making any arrangements to send it back. I've tried to set up a courier to collect it but he's not confirmed if he's going to be in at that time.

It's a really crappy move, it was part of his in the end suffocating attempts at being helpful. The screen was cracked so he said he'd get it repaired through work and it became this whole epic bloody saga rather than a kind and uncomplicated gesture. I'm so pissed off about it. It makes me churn up inside just thinking about it....

Belladi that would drive me crazy too - both the inconsistency in messaging and not checking in with you when you need it most 😪, and the lofty promises of fixing the laptop and then not delivering on that promise at all. I hope you feel calmer and happier soon x

@BelladiMamma

Love that 🥰

Agreed what a loss it would be ☺️

Am having a horrible evening of self doubt. I'm pre menstrual, back in hospital tomorrow and from lots of messaging and sweet nothings all weekend, all I've had are two messages today from MrBeard. He did, however, say he was back at work and had had a long day, at which point I said I'd been resting and getting nearly recovered from my injury. Since then he's been online all evening and I haven't heard from him again. Jeez I hate crushes. They drive you nuts.

I'm also feeling anxious because MrBear has been holding onto my daughter's laptop and not making any arrangements to send it back. I've tried to set up a courier to collect it but he's not confirmed if he's going to be in at that time.

It's a really crappy move, it was part of his in the end suffocating attempts at being helpful. The screen was cracked so he said he'd get it repaired through work and it became this whole epic bloody saga rather than a kind and uncomplicated gesture. I'm so pissed off about it. It makes me churn up inside just thinking about it....

@BelladiMamma sending you lots of love and good vibes. 😘😘 I hope everything goes well at the hospital ❤️

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Belladi that would drive me crazy too - both the inconsistency in messaging and not checking in with you when you need it most 😪, and the lofty promises of fixing the laptop and then not delivering on that promise at all. I hope you feel calmer and happier soon x

It is two different irons ... the previous one MrBear has the laptop.

The current one - MrBeard - has been great but disappeared today as long day at work. He doesn't actually know I'm in hospital tomorrow 😞. That's me keeping him at arm's length. There's a part of me that doesn't want sympathy but I want it too 😞. I'd rather go low contact when I'm blue 💙

Thanks for checking in and answering though I think it's going to be a long night for me.

Hope tomorrow goes ok @BelladiMamma Keep checking in here if needed.

@BelladiMamma How are you feeling this morning?
Might Mr Beard be online for work or chatting to friends?
How are you seeing him online? Is this Whatsapp?

Why don't you tell him you're in hospital today? I know you're feeling blue but a bit of support will do you the world of good.

I think this is your Miss Independent coming out and its not always a good thing.
I too would rather suffer in silence than tell Mr K how I'm really feeling 🙄😂

Hope everything goes well today @BelladiMamma. Agree with @SortingItOut maybe briefly mention to Mr Beard that you're in, he might surprise you with his reaction. I too relate to the miss independent- bad health makes me feel vulnerable which I have a tendency to hide..

Thanks both.

Managed to get to sleep at about 2.00am.

He was on WhatsApp and Instagram, last seen at 5.00am! Normally when he's on line he messages me straightaway as his work WhatsApp is another number.

I have to stay rational; it's the first time I've seen him on line in weeks when he hasn't been talking to me. That doesn't automatically mean he's talking to another woman 🤦🏻‍♀️. He's got friends and family too.

However I'm now totally psychologically blocked and don't want to message him or tell him about what I'm going through. He's actually said on Sunday to call him if I was worried about anything health wise and talk it through. Problem is I don't really trust him enough as I don't know him well enough, to open up about feeling anxious.

The comms have been very healthy up til now. I'm just not in a good place. I went off on a whole 'I'm going to die and my DC will have to pack up the house and go live with their Dad' scenario in my head.

@BelladiMamma

Does it also drive you nuts what they're doing at 5am online?

I wonder that. I don't talk to friends at that hour. Makes me think all sorts

Also BelladiMamma hope all goes well today for you

[quote ActonSquirrel]@BelladiMamma

Does it also drive you nuts what they're doing at 5am online?

I wonder that. I don't talk to friends at that hour. Makes me think all sorts[/quote]
5am was Instagram so I guess he was just scrolling 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's pathetic really. I live on line - WhatsApp and Instagram - and there's nothing to suggest that he's doing anything 'wrong'. He's deleted his bumble profile - I haven't. In fact, I'm the one still chatting to other irons. I'm just feeling vulnerable because I have feelings for him and obviously there's the whole 'I'm going to die' anxiety scenario now.

@ActonSquirrel

Also BelladiMamma hope all goes well today for you

Thank you 💜

Ahh @BelladiMamma you poor thing, sorry to hear how you're feeling and really hope hospital goes ok. Try not to stress about anything else just now just look after yourself and the men stuff can wait x

@WeWantTheFinestWines that must have been lovely going to a beautiful wedding and a good reminder of what happy relationships must look like 😂 wow I couldn't imagine ever being so happy and in love, and getting married. Can’t even find one decent guy to go out for a drink with!! 🤣🤣🙄🥺

@BelladiMamma It sounds like you're in an unhealthy place of checking when he's online.
Could you turn off your last seen on Whatsapp so you can't see his?
Could you stop checking his Instagram?

I understand not wanting to tell him you're scared as you don't really know him.
Do you have people to talk to in real life?

Any health news sends people into overdrive, try not to overthink (easy for me to say).

I hope today goes ok - are you having to stay in or will you be home later?

@Misty9 have you heard from him yet??

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards yaaay you're going on a date zero?? Excited for you 🥰🥰

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma It sounds like you're in an unhealthy place of checking when he's online.
Could you turn off your last seen on Whatsapp so you can't see his?
Could you stop checking his Instagram?

I understand not wanting to tell him you're scared as you don't really know him.
Do you have people to talk to in real life?

Any health news sends people into overdrive, try not to overthink (easy for me to say).

I hope today goes ok - are you having to stay in or will you be home later?[/quote]
Yes I am in an unhealthy place of checking. It only happened yesterday and it's upset me because everything has been very 'straight down the line' with him, from both sides.

Time to just step back and breathe 🧘‍♀️ like the grown woman I am.

Right I've messaged him & he messaged me back. I then sent a longer one which he's read but hasn't replied to.

I need to get out of my worry head for bit. Switch the phone off maybe.

@BelladiMamma

Right I've messaged him & he messaged me back. I then sent a longer one which he's read but hasn't replied to.

I need to get out of my worry head for bit. Switch the phone off maybe.

I often find that's the best way. Rather than mulling it over just message them and then it will at least relieve some anxiety albeit temporarily.

To everyone worrying that someone has been on WhatsApp and read your message/not read your message, turn WhatsApp last seen and read receipts off. You then you don't worry if they have been online or read your message. It doesn't bother me if someone reads and doesn't reply straight away anymore so I haven't done it but if it's causing people so much stress then do it.

@Isitreallyme177

To everyone worrying that someone has been on WhatsApp and read your message/not read your message, turn WhatsApp last seen and read receipts off. You then you don't worry if they have been online or read your message. It doesn't bother me if someone reads and doesn't reply straight away anymore so I haven't done it but if it's causing people so much stress then do it.

Yes I sometimes do that but when one of my DC isn't here I switch it back on again.

It's just unhealthy anxiety patterns. They come and go and today they're here, roosting in the rafters of my brain, finding the shitty and dark places to peck away at.

I already feel better having written that really crap analogy.

Thanks everyone xxx

I don't need to at the moment. I saw Mr Penpals messages on Sunday morning on the pop up notification and I've left them unread although I've seen them on the pop up.

I've leaving them like that. He doesn't have blue ticks so won't know they've been left unread but I don't care.