Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks for the well wishes
Luckily have a great support network. Had to explain the situation to Mr D and he's been great about it, couldn't have asked for better. I didn't especially want to but it was the right thing to do and, as an aside, it ties in quite well with testing out being more emotionally available. I will continue to lurk as the discussion around EA or lack of is really helpful for me!

Hi everyone,

Thank you to @Dirtyduck and @Naimee87 for the well wishes 

I'm okay, i've just been taking some time for myself. I'm chatting to a couple of people at the moment, but nothing earth shattering. I'm just taking it slowly at the moment. 😘😘

Sending you lots of love, @Heartbeats0708 ❤️

I now have a date zero scheduled with Mr Long Distance for Friday after work. But I'm finding his texting a bit much and wondering how to tackle this?

He seems keen to get into long text exchanges every single day, sometimes twice a day. I just don't see the point until we've met and established whether there's a spark or not. Plus, I think lots of texting builds up a false sense of intimacy when thus man is basically a complete stranger right now.

I just don't have the time or energy I feel he's demanding. I don't have this much contact with my close friends and family! I've taken to just ignoring his texts hoping he gets the message which feels very passive aggressive.

Should I tell him to back off? I'm aware I can be avoidant, but shouldn't we be on the same page with this? How can I do this kindly? It's putting me off before we've even met tbh 😔

@Heartbeats0708 sending you lots of good wishes. I hope everything goes okay.

@Languidleopard

I now have a date zero scheduled with Mr Long Distance for Friday after work. But I'm finding his texting a bit much and wondering how to tackle this?

He seems keen to get into long text exchanges every single day, sometimes twice a day. I just don't see the point until we've met and established whether there's a spark or not. Plus, I think lots of texting builds up a false sense of intimacy when thus man is basically a complete stranger right now.

I just don't have the time or energy I feel he's demanding. I don't have this much contact with my close friends and family! I've taken to just ignoring his texts hoping he gets the message which feels very passive aggressive.

Should I tell him to back off? I'm aware I can be avoidant, but shouldn't we be on the same page with this? How can I do this kindly? It's putting me off before we've even met tbh 😔

He's not demanding anything. He's interested and trying to get to know you but he can't read your mind, and he's approaching you his way. It's fine to say anything you want ... the right person will adjust, the wrong person will complain or ignore, and the incompatible person will say hey that approach doesn't work for me.

Just say 'hey would you mind if we do the getting to know each other bit in person ? I'm a little pressured for time and long texts take a while to compose and distract me from my work and family'

Hello everyone, can I crash your conversation?
I'm a guy, the wrong side of 50 and infact the about to be the wrong side of mid 50's!
Separated for 18 months and in dabbling with the apps have found this thread, a notable lack of success on any of the apps with a mismatch between the women I find interesting and the ones that find me interesting.
Many of us seem to have the same anxieties and frustrations, so I hope to learn from the group wisdom here.

@Languidleopard

I now have a date zero scheduled with Mr Long Distance for Friday after work. But I'm finding his texting a bit much and wondering how to tackle this?

He seems keen to get into long text exchanges every single day, sometimes twice a day. I just don't see the point until we've met and established whether there's a spark or not. Plus, I think lots of texting builds up a false sense of intimacy when thus man is basically a complete stranger right now.

I just don't have the time or energy I feel he's demanding. I don't have this much contact with my close friends and family! I've taken to just ignoring his texts hoping he gets the message which feels very passive aggressive.

Should I tell him to back off? I'm aware I can be avoidant, but shouldn't we be on the same page with this? How can I do this kindly? It's putting me off before we've even met tbh 😔

@Languidleopard just tell him nicely that you're finding the constant messaging overwhelming and you need some space for yourself and your family ❤️

@Heartbeats0708 - Sending you best wishes

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - Glad you are ok

@Campariontherocks - Welcome to the thread, I hope you find it as useful as I do.

I'm probably overthinking again, but I do feel MrMud has been pulling away since we met on friday, I've only received 2 messages from him, but more unusually he hasn't been reading my messages eventhough he's been online.

I wish I didn't assume every iron I meet won't want a relationship with me. I'm constantly looking for changes in their behaviour to prepare myself for the inevitable "dumping", I can't just relax and enjoy it. I suppose it's natural to want to protect yourself, but I wish it didn't dominate my thinking so much.

[quote Dirtyduck]@Heartbeats0708 - Sending you best wishes

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - Glad you are ok

@Campariontherocks - Welcome to the thread, I hope you find it as useful as I do.

I'm probably overthinking again, but I do feel MrMud has been pulling away since we met on friday, I've only received 2 messages from him, but more unusually he hasn't been reading my messages eventhough he's been online.

I wish I didn't assume every iron I meet won't want a relationship with me. I'm constantly looking for changes in their behaviour to prepare myself for the inevitable "dumping", I can't just relax and enjoy it. I suppose it's natural to want to protect yourself, but I wish it didn't dominate my thinking so much.[/quote]
@Dirtyduck ❤️

Hi. I'm re-joining the thread after about a year away.
Having been doing OLD for about six years or so, I'm beginning to think men just don't like me.

I met Mr Piano last summer. Initially all seemed good. But then he got a promotion which meant he was working nights. So between children and work, we rarely got any time together.
And I think this is when things started to go downhill. I began to find him quite controlling. Little things like telling me my hair was too blonde or I should wear different clothes. And he would message me all the time to tell me how much he missed me.
It was only after I ended it that I realised that in nearly a year together, I had never met any of his friends. And I'd never known him to say he was going out with friends.

Then there is Mr Gym. He's been an on/off FWB for about 5 years. I didn't see him when I was with Mr Piano but he kept in touch with the odd text. A few weeks ago I met him again but told him, he had to be less flaky. We agreed to start seeing each other again on a casual basis but I was clear that he couldn't just disappear for weeks and expect me to wait for him.

All has been good until then end of last week when I tried to set up something for this week or the weekend. He read my message but hasn't bothered to reply. That was 4 days ago.

Finally, there's Mr Sport. I had two dates with him a couple of years ago. We got on well but both agreed something was missing.
A couple of weeks ago, he got in touch. He wanted to let me know that he'd taken some advice that I'd given him. And to thank me.

I thought that would be it but he's kept in touch. Not every day but a few messages every few days about life etc.
He went to a fair bit of trouble to find me through my business but apart from thanking me, I'm not sure what his motive is, if any.

I haven't bothered with the apps yet.
Just reading up on everyone's experiences and wondering if it's worth going through it all again.

@Dirtyduck
I am exactly the same as you.
It's exhausting!

@ActonSquirrel

Not a single word since Thursday? Is that unusual

It's very unusual and still nothing. But I've had bigger things to worry about with dd suddenly becoming ill. Looks like she'll be fine, but Mr Blue Eyes can eff off as far as I'm concerned!

@Misty9 oh that's rubbish of him. Hope your daughter is OK?

@Heartbeats0708

Thanks for the well wishes Luckily have a great support network. Had to explain the situation to Mr D and he's been great about it, couldn't have asked for better. I didn't especially want to but it was the right thing to do and, as an aside, it ties in quite well with testing out being more emotionally available. I will continue to lurk as the discussion around EA or lack of is really helpful for me!

Pleased to hear that you have good people around you xxx

Welcome @Campariontherocks
Glad to hear from you @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

@Languidleopard I'd actually really enjoy this, if I felt some spark already. If I didn't I'd just find it like another chore on the to do list. Let him know you've got a busy week and that you're looking forward to meeting him in person. But not too expect too much messaging as that's not your style

Hope all ok @Heartbeats0708 and @Misty9

@Languidleopard I agree with @BelladiMamma .

Is he “insisting” on these and does he know that you don’t want to?

If he just thinks “it’s what you want as well to keep in touch ” then you just need to communicate your preference.

If he doesn’t respect that boundary I’d say he’s a no-goer.

There’s a lot of really pushy entitled demanding types on apps and as soon as they have your number you feel like they’re “checking up on you” every day/asking for more photos/wanting to control your time. It’s not flattering it’s a nightmare tbh.

@BelladiMamma

Welcome *@Campariontherocks* Glad to hear from you *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*

Thanks @BelladiMamma. ❤️

Oh, some guy on Tinder has asked me 'what my plans are' for a relationship.

Finding someone who doesn't get bored of me would be a start. 😂😂😂

@Languidleopard its dangerous i find to get too txty before meeting because like you said it can feel like there is an amazing connection already there and when you meet its massively disappointing. Not always though! I think the advice on here is absolutely what you should do and just let him know you want to wait to properly get to know each other on the date.
@Dirtyduck this is really annoying when you can see someone online but they haven’t replied. I know this feeling well. Is it that he can’t respond so would rather not open your txts? Or is it a real change in how’s been earlier? I can’t quite remember if you’ve met already? It’s just so hard to know peoples motives behind messaging and the power the messages or lack of messages can have on your mood/emotions.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards great to hear from
you!! 🙋🏻‍♀️🤩
@Heartbeats0708 good to hear MrD’ been there for you with this news! Good way to suss out a bit more if his character! Sounds all positive! Yay! MrElf is here at the moment and we’re discussing a mini trip for next week! Crossing fingers it’ll happen. Its amazing how easy he is to be with/get along with! Feels like i’ve known him so much longer than i have! 🤩
@Misty9 as easy as it is to say just get rid as he hasn’t shown you any care especially if your daughter hasn’t been well it isn’t easy to just forget/move on. Do what feels right for you and your happiness. The way we feel ultimately is up
to us and if someone is bringing us down getting rid in the long-run is for the best! Maybe your suited better to a MrGreen Eyes 🤩 he’s out there for sure!

... I just told him that I don't have any plans, and I'm just enjoying chatting to people at the moment. ❤️

@Naimee87 - We met on Friday for the first time, but we had been chatting and video calling for about a month. It was an enjoyable date, but i didn't think he fancied me. We've discussed a second date since friday, but I just get the impression he's not so keen now he's met me. He normally checks in several times a day, or sends me photos of his travels, food etc, but none of that this weekend. But he always reads my messages as he is very active on WhatsApp normally, for example my goodnight message from last night is still unread.

It might be nothing, but I've convinced myself it means something!

@Naimee87 my daughter being unwell isn't something he'd know about as it's only been the last couple of days. But yes, it's easy for me to say I'll get rid... We'll see if he even contacts me first! It's usual for him not to message while at work so I won't know until 8ish. Not sure what I'll do if he hasn't as I have some of his stuff.

@Dirtyduck sorry to hear it's changed but I would listen to your gut on this one :(

[quote Dirtyduck]@Naimee87 - We met on Friday for the first time, but we had been chatting and video calling for about a month. It was an enjoyable date, but i didn't think he fancied me. We've discussed a second date since friday, but I just get the impression he's not so keen now he's met me. He normally checks in several times a day, or sends me photos of his travels, food etc, but none of that this weekend. But he always reads my messages as he is very active on WhatsApp normally, for example my goodnight message from last night is still unread.

It might be nothing, but I've convinced myself it means something![/quote]
@Dirtyduck I'd give him a chance. He might not have been on WhatsApp. If he doesn't message you by the end of the day though, id forget about him ❤️