Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

This will be long! (sorry) SO much to catch up on! It’s quite clear we seem to invest so much more than these dweebs we find too early on. I’ve read as many posts as i can but i’ll only end up confusing stories if i try to individually post people. But here are my takings/thoughts based on what i read and my experiences too. If we ever get confused by messages it’s behaviour we have to watch for. Do they follow through on promises like dates or behaviour ‘changes’ in communication if we ask them to. If they are telling us early on they don’t want a relationship this isn’t likely to change no matter how much we’d like it too. Being busy is one thing and can happen to us all but finding time to txt takes as little as a few seconds and they are likely taking time to message other people so are not ‘offline’ for days, weeks at a time. How the first few dates can be magical but then out of nowhere you get ghosted/communication fizzles out. It took
me forever to figure out that sometimes we will never know why. I kept trying to go back thinking they must be able to be how they were. But in my experience you can’t get back what you had and the sooner you realise and ‘make peace’ with it the sooner you’ll be happier and can move on. Never get into a FB/FWB situation if it isn’t what you want. Also sending nasty messages never gets anyone anywhere and once somethings been sent/seen there’s no undoing it (learnt this the hard way) If you’re ever worried about having a conversation or about whether you can txt the person likely feelings aren’t the same. Perhaps none of this is new but having all of you here and reading through the posts and all of your experiences they are all so similar to what i’ve lived through. It’s helped me to realise i’m not alone in the way i’ve felt nor am i to blame and neither are any of you. I don’t think we have to settle or change. I don’t think we should be afraid of chasing what we want though and being clear how we wish to be treated either. I think it’s definitely a numbers game and a patience game too. Being happy with yourself and your life and being in a place to be able to share your happiness is the best place to be. I felt in the past i ‘needed’ someone to be happy but this isn’t the case i found sports & trucks filled this void and for neither of these activities did i need to be with anyone. I really wish all of you success on your dates. You have to put yourself out there to get what you want and its crushing to get knocked back but its not the end of the world. Get annoyed, sad, angry, disappointed because not allowing these feelings doesn’t make them
go away. Your have to get these out to make room for all the other emotions/feelings, the more positive ones! @Heartbeats0708 sorry to hear you’ve had some bad news! Hope everything will be OK.

It's so true @Naimee87 @Misty9 @ActonSquirrel @Eesha and anyone else going through these comms / limerance / ghosting / cycles.

I've learnt so much since being on this thread because we all struggle with the same issues, more or less.

It took me since April and the 2 month wonder with MrBear to get me into an even better place. Where I can spell out to MrBeard what I'm looking for & it's surprised even myself how clear I can be. This is a lot to do with the fact that he's not playing that 'bait and switch / push and pull' game that so many others do. But it's also because I'm much better at recognising the patterns and what I'm looking for.

I'm fully aware MrBeard could be a 2 month wonder. But I am not going through all the awful highs and lows where I was constantly questioning myself before.

To be fair, MrBear was quite clear he was into me and made a lot of time for me. But he was too much and it felt suffocating so eventually I didn't fancy him anymore and after 8 weeks that's fairly dire!!

Let's keep clear headed, observing, kind to ourselves and not chase those Mr or Miss Unavailables.

Not on our watch!

@Heartbeats0708 Sorry I missed your post. Sorry to hear your news, I hope during your time out from here you can access sone support for the news you have had 💕

I haven't replied to Mr Penpal. Just leave it?

@Heartbeats0708 very sorry to read of your difficult news. Hoping you have all the care and support you need to identify a positive path ahead.

@ActonSquirrel have you got a rough draft txt you’d send to him? Ideally what are you hoping he’ll respond with…
@Misty9 i’ve looked back at my txts with MrS and he too was all about sex with very few texts on kids, work and promises of trips in the future which never happened. He pulled the wool over my eyes for so long! I always thought we were in a relationship but he’d clearly only ever wanted a FB/FWB. Mr Blue Eyes doesn’t sound as evil as MrS but doesn’t sound at all like he deserves any of you.
@BelladiMamma how you doing after your fall? Injuries healing? I think the smothering comment is an interesting one. I’d always thought i wanted someone to swoop in and look after me but when that happened i realised how awful it was and how little i felt like myself anymore.
@Shayelle2009 he made such a scene after flaking on the date. You must be so confused. Are you going to keep him blocked?
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards hoping everything’s alright with you, you’ve been fairly quiet lately!

@heartbeats0708 I hope you are getting all the love and support you need

@Naimee87 not really no. Because he doesn't get what I mean.

He thinks I mean lately whereas I mean since we started talking he does this. Flirty sexy messaging and then stops talking to me unless prompted for weeks.

[quote ActonSquirrel]@Naimee87 not really no. Because he doesn't get what I mean.

He thinks I mean lately whereas I mean since we started talking he does this. Flirty sexy messaging and then stops talking to me unless prompted for weeks.[/quote]
You need a conversation, by phone or have to face. As I told MrWG when he was trying to ask about sexual preferences - this isn't something you discuss by text, put on your big boy pants and have a proper conversation face to face.

As it was, no pants were on either of us, but the conversation was had properly.

Also, stop prompting him, let him chase you and see if he does. With MrWG it's usually about ten to twelve days before he does. Once he goes away for work I think be loses track of time because he texts "how's your week going" as if we spoke two days ago, not two weeks.
But I leave him to set the pace. If I he fed up of it, I'll tell him and end it.

Nice words in your earlier post @Naimee87 😊💗

Nah I’m not confused. He’s a dick and that’s that! Its yesterday’s old newspaper for me now!

Haha at the no pants convo @VanGoghsDog 🤣🤣😬

[quote ActonSquirrel]@Naimee87 not really no. Because he doesn't get what I mean.

He thinks I mean lately whereas I mean since we started talking he does this. Flirty sexy messaging and then stops talking to me unless prompted for weeks.[/quote]
@ActonSquirrel I think he's shown you who he is and sadly I don't think he's capable of giving you the relationship you want - and deserve. Carrying on = more pain and frustration for you, and probably him too.

He sounds like a decent bloke who just has too many issues to be emotionally available on any level beyond sporadic texting. Honestly, I think you should call it a day and start the painful process of moving on 😔

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-baggage-reclaim-sessions-podcast/

@SortingItOut I listen to The Baggage Reclaim podcast on Spotify, but other platforms are available. Hope the link above works 🙏🙂

@Misty9

My goal is to try and weed these piss taking men out by taking it slow, holding back from the physical side of things, really being me rather than pretending to be the person I think they want even if it means rejection. I'm not sure how realistic this is tbh but I'm going to give it a go

@Languidleopard this sounds like a healthy plan of action. I will take a leaf if I venture back into it all.
@SortingItOut I started reading it some time ago but picked it up again today. And parts of it are ringing very true. Mr Blue Eyes now hasn't been in contact since Thursday evening and those are not the actions of someone in a relationship. Time to end things. It's also making me question my last relationship and why I ended things... But what's done is done so I can learn going forwards.

@Isitreallyme177 isn't Mr cricket the one who said he wasn't ready/doesn't have time for a relationship? As the book says, when a man tells you who he is...?

I'm trying to figure out a healthy balance between being resolutely single, and dating with authenticity and openness...

@Misty9 well, I now have an actual date zero this Friday so I get to put the theory to the test...😬

@Languidleopard ooh, exciting! Still nothing from Mr Blue Eyes, which is slightly surprising to be honest. He's cooked for me, said we're boyfriend and girlfriend and in a relationship, bought me treats and done chores for me. And now this. I doubt he'll ghost me, but pop back up tomorrow and expect to pick up where he left off

@Naimee87 wise words indeed and my ongoing project is to treat myself with care and respect, just like I treat my friends.

[quote Naimee87]@ActonSquirrel have you got a rough draft txt you’d send to him? Ideally what are you hoping he’ll respond with…
@Misty9 i’ve looked back at my txts with MrS and he too was all about sex with very few texts on kids, work and promises of trips in the future which never happened. He pulled the wool over my eyes for so long! I always thought we were in a relationship but he’d clearly only ever wanted a FB/FWB. Mr Blue Eyes doesn’t sound as evil as MrS but doesn’t sound at all like he deserves any of you.
@BelladiMamma how you doing after your fall? Injuries healing? I think the smothering comment is an interesting one. I’d always thought i wanted someone to swoop in and look after me but when that happened i realised how awful it was and how little i felt like myself anymore.
@Shayelle2009 he made such a scene after flaking on the date. You must be so confused. Are you going to keep him blocked?
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards hoping everything’s alright with you, you’ve been fairly quiet lately![/quote]
Thanks I'm getting there xx

Yes having someone who gets too involved isn't always what we think it's going to be

@ActonSquirrel have you decided what to do?

@Misty9 nothing for now.

When he contacts me again I'll gauge it. If he starts sexy / flirting messaging again I'll say what's the point of this?
Inspired by @VanGoghsDog when she said she wasn't prepared to talk about sexual preference by text...

Good point I'll say to him I'm not having these conversations by text when I haven't seen you for over 18 months it's utterly pointless.

I don't know what else to say but that is how I feel

He cannot have it both ways.

I haven't replied to him at all so far.

That sounds like a good start in putting in boundaries. I still haven't heard from Mr Blue Eyes... Wanker

@Misty9

That sounds like a good start in putting in boundaries. I still haven't heard from Mr Blue Eyes... Wanker

Urgh. When was the last time you saw him? Heard from him?

Thursday evening

Saw him weds morning

Not a single word since Thursday? Is that unusual