Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma

https://www.psychalive.org/are-you-swiping-right-on-your-attachment-style/

This is another interesting take on OLD ☝🏻

Thanks for sharing that. I'd love to find out why I'm so spectacularly unsuccessful in relationships when I actually had a really emotionally healthy and secure childhood and don't go fo unavailable men when I'm swiping. I genuinely just want someone I'll get on with and fancy. Don't go for obviously sexy or flirty; more like someone I think is on a similar level intellectually who is not physically off-putting! I think I am swiping right on my attachment style, but still end up feeling needy and insecure when I like someone.

@Isitreallyme177

I need other ways of asking "how are you feeling". I think if I ask Mr Cricket how he is feeling anymore it might get tedious (for me as well as him). I also feel it might be insensitive if I ask him how his weekend was when he is currently in isolation due to covid. 🤦‍♀️

And in other news I deleted all of Computer Geeks messages. It feels good to finally say goodbye to something that messed with my head so badly. I reread some of them and I thought to myself he really sucked me in with his charm but he was nothing but a lying cheat who I don't think was ever single.

And my hedgehogs have had babies (4 of them). 🥰 So at least someone is getting some action round my way. 🤣

Well done for deleting the Computer Geek. Definitely the right thing, even if it hurts to think back on it.

I can't think of anything cuter then hedgehog babies right now!

@SortingItOut I read Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl a year or so ago, and yes, it gives some really helpful insights and suggestions for addressing emotional availability. I must admit it was a hard read in places because it was a bit too close to the bone 😬

I also subscribe to Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim podcast on Spotify and would recommend this too.

@SpringlikeBunk interesting point about it not being a good idea to get emotionally intimate with the majority of dates you've met!

My goal is to try and weed these piss taking men out by taking it slow, holding back from the physical side of things, really being me rather than pretending to be the person I think they want even if it means rejection. I'm not sure how realistic this is tbh but I'm going to give it a go 🤞

So yesterday as I was walking from the station back to my house after a day out, who drove past me in his van, with his kid in the car. Made a big song and dance about beeping the horn to get my attention, pulling up and shouting my name out the window.. I waved and scuttled off.
I mean why bother? You had days to contact me and firm up the plans for the drink you suggested, why bother doing that in the street when up until then you’d ignored me.
Needless to say I’ve not unblocked!!!

Shayelle completely oblivious to how his behaviour might affect someone else.... good riddance

Thank you @WeWantTheFinestWines! I cant work out if it’s oblivion, or trying to play mind games - either way, toxic and can stay out, I deserve better!
How you feeling about Mr Teacher now? x

@WeWantTheFinestWines thank you it felt the right time. Mr Cricket, even though we aren't dating, has shown me I deserve to be treated so much better than Computer Geek treated me. Now I just have to make sure that I don't let what he did cloud my judgement. I did wonder for a split second if Mr Cricket was using covid as an excuse not to see me but then he could have just said he was working all week instead of telling me he had a day off and he hasn't done anything to make me doubt him.

@Shayelle2009 what a strange thing to do, especially with his kid in the car. It's like he has no memory of arranging a date.

@Languidleopard I couldn't put the book down, it was me to a tee. I only got it due to my current boyfriend telling me he is guarded and then from reading the book realising I'm emotionally unavailable and so was my ex husband.
Honestly that book has enlightened me so much.

I read the blog but not listened to the podcast. Which app do you use for podcasts? I've had loads of recommendations recently of good podcasts but have no clue - I'm rather a technophobe🙄

@Shayelle2009 Its all mind games, now you're wondering what he's up to and he's thinking you'll be in contact soon. He might not have realised you've blocked him.

@Isitreallyme177 mr cricket does sound like a genuine guy, and lots of people are catching covid so hopefully it’s not an excuse, I think you’d soon get the feeling if he was avoiding you as he’d cool off with the messaging or other things like that?

@SortingItOut Im not wondering what he’s up to as such, was just updating here that snippet from yesterday for anyone who was interested, not letting that crap back in my life, I came to that decision on Friday 😊 I think it’s pretty obvious when someone blocks you, their pic disappears, messages don't go through etc.

@Shayelle2009 Sorry crossed wires I think, I didn't mean you want to know physically what he is up to, more it's made you question his motive for acting like he did when he blatantly ignored the date that had been arranged.

He might not have even noticed and is waiting for you to contact him - surely no normal man acts all normal (by waving and beeping) when they've just flaked on a date🤷‍♀️

It’s just all a bit pathetic behaviour really isnt it, which does absolutely nothing for me 😂😂 i just think… what a dickhead! Add him to the pile! 😬
For me, respecting a guy is an attractive feature, my respect disappears when I watch them act like this.

My goal is to try and weed these piss taking men out by taking it slow, holding back from the physical side of things, really being me rather than pretending to be the person I think they want even if it means rejection. I'm not sure how realistic this is tbh but I'm going to give it a go

@Languidleopard this sounds like a healthy plan of action. I will take a leaf if I venture back into it all.
@SortingItOut I started reading it some time ago but picked it up again today. And parts of it are ringing very true. Mr Blue Eyes now hasn't been in contact since Thursday evening and those are not the actions of someone in a relationship. Time to end things. It's also making me question my last relationship and why I ended things... But what's done is done so I can learn going forwards.

@Isitreallyme177 isn't Mr cricket the one who said he wasn't ready/doesn't have time for a relationship? As the book says, when a man tells you who he is...?

I'm trying to figure out a healthy balance between being resolutely single, and dating with authenticity and openness...

That’s rubbish @Misty9 he’s not been in touch since Thursday. Just not exciting at all is it. Hope you're feeling ok 💗

@Shayelle2009 very true, and he hasn't pulled back with the messages. Computer Geek really messed with my sanity confidence, I even question friend's motives when they cancel on me.

@Misty9 between work, his cricket and his daughter(and the house sale) he doesn't have time for a relationship. I find we manage to fit a few hours for coffee in once every couple of weeks(my work has some weeks where I'm rushed off my feet and others where I'm quiet so I'm just as awkward, evenings and weekends are just as bad for me), we have days where messages slow and other days where the messages are more frequent (I haven't messaged him this weekend but then what's he going to tell me other than he can't taste or smell anything still). It's not dating, it's two friends getting together for a catch up, it doesn't bother me. I do fancy him and would love it to be more but even I can see that neither of us have the time right now for a relationship.

surely no normal man acts all normal (by waving and beeping) when they've just flaked on a date

My Mr Blue Eyes (as opposed to Misty’s!) did that! Flaked out, ghosted even, then popped back up chatting normally as if nothing happened! AND I LET HIM!!!!

Mr blue eyes was messaging recently being all nice looking to meet and I said I was free and then ….nothing! I am very proud of myself because I finally blocked him after a year of this shit!

Total lack of respect and as you say @Shayelle2009 it makes them unattractive.

I’m finally finding my boundaries

@ActonSquirrel

I feel as if I need to say something to penpal guy.

He does flirt with me and send me messages to that end and then vanishes. It has now been over a week and I've had a few brief messages all prompted by me. He does do this and he'll crop back up again.

But I feel like saying something. Along the lines of quoting one of his flirty messages

Why do you send me messages like that one day and then utterly blank me the next?

What do you think? It's been long enough he shares all his bloody issues with me it's time he gave something back

Quoting my own message. I did it and now feel like a tit.

He's visiting family and spending less time on phone so not ignoring me.

That isn't what I meant. We have a 2+ year dynamic of him texting me intensely and barely speaking for weeks.

Oh fuck this I cannot be arsed anymore.

Now I've just made myself look needy

Been nice to hear all your lovely dating stories those who had dates though. There is hope!

@ActonSquirrel

Now I've just made myself look needy

Been nice to hear all your lovely dating stories those who had dates though. There is hope!

You haven't made yourself look needy - you have laid down a boundary and acknowledged your own needs. That's perfectly valid and reasonable

@ActonSquirrel what is stopping you from telling him this isn't meeting your needs so you're out...?

[quote Misty9]@ActonSquirrel what is stopping you from telling him this isn't meeting your needs so you're out...?[/quote]
I don't like to close doors entirely. 😕

Also a close friend of mine said I might be emotionally unavailable too as I've been hurt so much in the past. Maybe I crave these situations as I never really have them as I'm not available myself.

Idk.

@ActonSquirrel not liking to close doors is in the Mr Unavailable book... In the kindest way, it means that you're keeping yourself emotionally unavailable and reinforcing your own negative views of what relationships are. It's shit and it sucks, I know. But only we can break the cycle. He isn't giving you anywhere near what you deserve

[quote Misty9]@ActonSquirrel not liking to close doors is in the Mr Unavailable book... In the kindest way, it means that you're keeping yourself emotionally unavailable and reinforcing your own negative views of what relationships are. It's shit and it sucks, I know. But only we can break the cycle. He isn't giving you anywhere near what you deserve [/quote]
I've read the book years ago.

It actually really isn't that easy to change your ways I've discovered 😕

My friends all tell me I'm too hard on myself and don't think I'm good enough. It's probably a lot of it.

@ActonSquirrel believe me, I can relate. I hold onto being hard on myself like a badge of the only thing I'm good at! I'm telling myself that I'll give Mr BE back his stuff and end things... But that's before I'm triggered. It's hard, but we are worth treating ourselves better.

@Misty9 it's so hard isn't it.

I can see from years ago how I thought so little of myself back then and if I have no idea why I thought that.

Maybe in a few years I'll think the same looking back.

Which one is BE? I'm fairly new and must go back through the thread to read!

Mr Blue Eyes :)