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Original poster

Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

991 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 23/07/2021 11:56

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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5
ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 09:46

To make it worse we matched long before covid and were penpals. He was suffering with depression didn't want to put it on me and made attempts to recover.

He met me when he was doing better and moving on to another job nearer me...he was 100 miles away before and then covid.

He has real hang ups with sex and body confidence and has never had sex without being drunk as he was too nervous. Now he us sober he realises he doesnt have that crutch anymore

That isn't something I can force him to deal with and just get over and be with me.

But what I can do is say it is not OK to speak speak me like that and then blank me.

How do I put that then...

Onesmallstep67 · 31/07/2021 09:47

@Misty9, have you had any dates that haven’t ended with sex ? Sorry I’m not firing on all cylinders atm and I’m not quite up to speed with exactly your status with Mr BE.

Onesmallstep67 · 31/07/2021 09:53

This may seem blunt @ActonSquirrel but do you think this is ever going to be anything close to the kind of relationship you want? Or are you just trying to find a way to tell him it’s friends only going forward? I may sound harsh but he really doesn’t sound like someone you could build anything firm and fulfilling with.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 09:54

@Onesmallstep67

This may seem blunt *@ActonSquirrel* but do you think this is ever going to be anything close to the kind of relationship you want? Or are you just trying to find a way to tell him it’s friends only going forward? I may sound harsh but he really doesn’t sound like someone you could build anything firm and fulfilling with.
I have no idea and that's the problem
Onesmallstep67 · 31/07/2021 09:59

@ActonSquirrel, sorry I think I’m not fully up to speed with your situation. If you don’t want your emotions played with by him blowing hot and cold then I suggest you shut down any flirting or innuendo. I’ve shared previously on here how draining a long term FWB scenario was for me when I allowed him to play with my emotions.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 10:03

@Onesmallstep67

Yeah something I was thinking of saying was you can't have it both ways and I can't go on like this.

Both ways being he gets to flirt with me without having me in his life.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 10:03

I have said things multiple times about it and he always seems surprised and says no he isn't just using me.

VanGoghsDog · 31/07/2021 10:18

@ActonSquirrel

I have said things multiple times about it and he always seems surprised and says no he isn't just using me.
It's easy to say, isn't it?

It doesn't sound fulfilling. He lives too far away, he has an aversion to meeting up, he's a depressed recovering alcoholic (as far as you know), he's unlikely to be able to perform in bed, he flirts and backs off, he's not listening to your needs. He seems to be using you for free therapy which must be exhausting for you.
Friends behave better than that.

Personally, I'd tell him I think our connection had run its course, wish him well and stop responding. If your fingers twitch, block him.

I put people I don't want to respond to on mute, at least then I don't see their messages unless I happen to look by which time it could be hours and gradually it weans me off them.

Misty9 · 31/07/2021 10:28

@BelladiMamma I'm definitely prioritising sex after an essentially sexless marriage, but I also want emotional connection and support from a partner. I think it boils down to, it's enough for him (and he thinks it's a relationship) but it's not enough for me. We nearly always have sex when we see each other, unless it's my period or we're both too knackered. Which is when I feel the connection diminishing. It's possibly me who's emotionally unavailable, but I'm trying not to be... I haven't heard from him since Thursday anyway, and he's busy this weekend, so we will talk next week.

BelladiMamma · 31/07/2021 10:35

[quote Misty9]@BelladiMamma I'm definitely prioritising sex after an essentially sexless marriage, but I also want emotional connection and support from a partner. I think it boils down to, it's enough for him (and he thinks it's a relationship) but it's not enough for me. We nearly always have sex when we see each other, unless it's my period or we're both too knackered. Which is when I feel the connection diminishing. It's possibly me who's emotionally unavailable, but I'm trying not to be... I haven't heard from him since Thursday anyway, and he's busy this weekend, so we will talk next week.[/quote]
I think it was @HairyArsedMan who said that post divorce post kids relationships tend to be difficult as all you do when you meet is have sex and you're left wondering what there really is to the relationship. And without the emotional connection it's hard to keep the attraction / lust going. Just to keep it in the sex subject, do you still feel attracted to him? What would you miss if you weren't together? What will you pursue / how will you spend the free time that you'd get back? Is there another way you can spend time together eg do you get the chance to go away?

SortingItOut · 31/07/2021 10:56

@Misty9 I follow a few relationship pages on Instagram and one of the things said recently is that the reason we want and need sex to help us feel connected is because the emotional connection is missing and sex provides that.

Emotionally unavailable women go for emotionally unavailable men so you're both the same.

I think what you have is just FB, its not even FWB because if he was your friend you could rely on him when you need support and it doesnt sound like you can.
Only someone cold hearted/emotionally unavailable would not respond to your message about feeling low or down, he doesn't mention it because he doesn't do emotions.

Misty9 · 31/07/2021 11:20

[quote SortingItOut]@Misty9 I follow a few relationship pages on Instagram and one of the things said recently is that the reason we want and need sex to help us feel connected is because the emotional connection is missing and sex provides that.

Emotionally unavailable women go for emotionally unavailable men so you're both the same.

I think what you have is just FB, its not even FWB because if he was your friend you could rely on him when you need support and it doesnt sound like you can.
Only someone cold hearted/emotionally unavailable would not respond to your message about feeling low or down, he doesn't mention it because he doesn't do emotions.[/quote]
This is the conclusion I'm coming to as well. Even my ex boyfriend would respond I think! My exh wouldn't...but he's emotionally unavailable due to asd. Mr Blue Eyes says he has feelings for me etc, but I agree it's seeming more of a FB than anything else.

Misty9 · 31/07/2021 11:54

@BelladiMamma I am still very attracted to him yes. What would I miss or pursue if we weren't seeing each other? Well, my life hasn't changed much really because we don't have weekends together so I'm still doing all my own stuff. It would mean more sleep (!) and I'd sit on my own sofa of an evening rather than his...but that's about it. As for going away, our weekends only align every 6 weeks or so. We've mentioned it in passing but nothing concrete.

BelladiMamma · 31/07/2021 12:09

[quote Misty9]@BelladiMamma I am still very attracted to him yes. What would I miss or pursue if we weren't seeing each other? Well, my life hasn't changed much really because we don't have weekends together so I'm still doing all my own stuff. It would mean more sleep (!) and I'd sit on my own sofa of an evening rather than his...but that's about it. As for going away, our weekends only align every 6 weeks or so. We've mentioned it in passing but nothing concrete.[/quote]
Doesn't sound like you'd miss him at all. Time to downgrade him to friend, FB or ex.
Good luck with it all ThanksThanksThanks

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 12:10

VanGoghsDog

I've been to bed with him. One of our dates back then ended up over night. He really wasn't capable but still on the drink then.

He is still very Blush about it now and still mentions it even though I say it's fine.

I don't think he is making any of this up. Why would he?

BelladiMamma · 31/07/2021 12:10

@Misty9 although if you're still attracted to him friend might not be an option.
Would he do FB and you could get on dating / the rest of your life?

VanGoghsDog · 31/07/2021 12:53

@ActonSquirrel

VanGoghsDog

I've been to bed with him. One of our dates back then ended up over night. He really wasn't capable but still on the drink then.

He is still very Blush about it now and still mentions it even though I say it's fine.

I don't think he is making any of this up. Why would he?

By "as far as you know" I meant the recovering part. Alcoholics are notorious for falling off the wagon, he's unlikely to tell you if he has done.

It just doesn't sound as if he's adding anything positive to your life.

ActonSquirrel · 31/07/2021 12:57

@VanGoghsDog

Alcoholics are notorious for falling off the wagon, he's unlikely to tell you if he has done.

He does. He lapsed a couple of times briefly.

I love the long chats we have and the insightful conversations. We have so much in common. I just can't manage the constant vanishing.

Languidleopard · 31/07/2021 13:10

@Shayelle2009

I know *@Eesha*!! Irritating the crap out of me with juvenile texting or last minute 3pm requests to drop everything and meet him for a drink (some of us have jobs and are WORKING luv), he was just a complete dickabout, im genuinely happy he’s gone! I didnt even fancy him in all honesty! 😂
@Shayelle2009 He's either really flaky or using you as a fallback option. Not good either way. I think you've been patient enough and have called it right Smile
Languidleopard · 31/07/2021 13:25

[quote Misty9]@BelladiMamma I'm definitely prioritising sex after an essentially sexless marriage, but I also want emotional connection and support from a partner. I think it boils down to, it's enough for him (and he thinks it's a relationship) but it's not enough for me. We nearly always have sex when we see each other, unless it's my period or we're both too knackered. Which is when I feel the connection diminishing. It's possibly me who's emotionally unavailable, but I'm trying not to be... I haven't heard from him since Thursday anyway, and he's busy this weekend, so we will talk next week.[/quote]
@Misty9 I can relate to this, particularly your suspicion that you may be emotionally unavailable. I'm comfortable having sex early on in a relationship because I like sex and initially it gives me the connection I need.

But what I want is a real, mutually supportive emotional connection rather than just sex. After a while, the sex starts to make me feel empty and sad, because it's not really what I want, or crucially, what I need. I end up not liking myself very much, or the man involved. But I keep doing it! I think I'm scared of a proper emotional connection tbh and settle for a serial connection because it feels like less of a risk

I agree with others that you've fallen into a FB relationship here. All well and good if that's what you want but if you don't it will leave you craving proper closeness.

Languidleopard · 31/07/2021 13:27

Sexual connection not serial connection...my auto correct is obviously feeling very prim and proper today 🤣

Languidleopard · 31/07/2021 13:56

A quick update from me.

Following very wise advice from @BelladiMamma I asked both of my Bumble conversations if they wanted to meet up for a coffee IRL, and they both said yes Smile Details tbc...

I'll call the first one Mr Long Distance. Likes to text a lot (bit too much tbh) very keen, has a lot of complimentary things to say about my photos, flirty.

Very good with words, could probably charm a few apples out of the trees if he put his mind to it.

Pushed for meeting for an evening drink, I politely declined. Not really sure if I fancy him. His pictures were all selfies. Likes really long quite intense text exchanges which go on for hours...I'd rather meet and then decide whether he's worth the investment. Lives 2.5 hours away so not sure how he made it through my 10 mile filter Hmm

I'll call the second one Mr Deep. Conversations less frequent, less intense and not much flirting going on. A bit more distant. I'm avoidant so his communication style is much more in my comfort zone. Because he isn't messaging me every day and laying in the charm with a trowel, there's less pressure and ironically I'm more interested, not less. Am I wierd? He's more my type physically, has a good array of photos and his bio was very well written. Lives a couple of miles away.

As for Mr Breadcrumbs, I will have to talk to him again at some point this week about work stuff. It will be on the phone which I can cope with. He's still on my mind on and off, but it feels manageable. I'm reaching a place of acceptance little by little.

Must admit I'm not really feeling it today. I'm premenstrual, have had a shit week and now I have masknee...🙄

Misty9 · 31/07/2021 14:27

@Languidleopard we do sound similar in that respect. I am definitely scared of an emotional connection but was trying to open up as I thought that was what was on offer here...but clearly not. As for having a FB, it'd be a first for me but maybe I could do it?! What you say about craving that deeper connection rings true though, so probably not... What is masknee...? I've got a poorly dd to keep me occupied for today. I've never seen her so listless :(

Misty9 · 31/07/2021 14:29

@Languidleopard sorry, meant to say I hope you feel better soon Flowers

Languidleopard · 31/07/2021 14:44

@Misty9 masknee is acne where your face mask meets your skin...not very attractive! Sorry to hear about your daughter, hope she feels better soon ❤