[quote HairyArsedMan]**@LanguidLeopard* and @BellaDiMama I'd much prefer to be benched, painful as it can be to endure, than get involved with someone as a placeholder relationship when I happen to be all in with the feels. So I don't know whether I'm that* strong emotionally, it just seems like the lesser of two agonies.
Digressing, I think the placeholder is something that can happen very easily in the dynamics of online dating. I think it's true of most of us that it's rare to find someone you connect with properly and when you do, you can fall over yourself in excitement out of the fear of missing out on them. It quite often happens that they're maybe at a stage of needing some validation of themselves as an attractive person (I cast no apersions on women in particular here, blokes need that too) and they're really happy to receive that attention. So I'd rather let the sands of time and personal growth work on that so they're coming at me from roughly the same place I'm coming from.
I don't even feel that miserable when someone backs off without closing off contact because I see it then as a timing, a 'where they're at right now' thing. It's as much their loss as mine in a way, because they are pulling away from something really genuine. This may sound weird and hippy-ish but I find myself seeing them as a fellow passenger and just wishing the best for them, whatever happens. We may both move forward and reconnect later as minor variations on how we were. Or one or both of us can find the courage to take up a genuine connection with that rare someone else. I think there's the rub, you need the belief that those other rare connections are out there for you and them. When you think of it like that, why wouldn't you wish that for someone if they couldn't find it with you ?[/quote]
@HairyArsedMan your approach is indeed very zen and I respect that. I agree that working on a principle of abundance rather than one of scarcity is healthy and good for the soul.
I also agree with that you say about it being often about where they are personally rather than your own worthiness. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be, and you only punish yourself by take it to heart.
But goodness me, I find it personally very difficult when this happens. Life is short and it's hard to find that mutual connection and attraction.