Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I’ve not heard a peep from Trades, about the drink tonight. Im gonna give it til 5pm then think I’m going to just block him once and for all as I just find him rude, we are definitely not compatible.

Started a nice chat with a potential on Bumble last night and switched to WhatsApp. He has apparently been in this country for about 7 years but then said he has a 4 year old son who lives in his home country. That timeline doesn't make much sense for me if he has been here for 7 years. Seems to be a repeat of what happened with Mr Smile so the amber flags are starting to wave

Interesting discussion on communication styles, Mr K and I have messaged every day for nearly 2 years, not always loads but always a good morning and good night (except once recently when he was out, got really drunk and his phone died) but today he has gone to a festival.
I've told him I don't expect any contact until he is back but he has said he will message when he can and if he can charge his phone.
It will be weird not hearing from him for a few days.

Commumication style is so varied, personally I don't open messages until I have time to respond whereas my best friend reads and then replies when she has time.
I know her communication style so I'm never worried when she reads and doesn't reply for hours.

Understanding peoples communication styles is important and we shouldn't tie ourselves up in knots wondering what lack of contact means.

@Dancerinthemoonlight Is he military😱
Step away from him😂

@Shayelle2009

I’ve not heard a peep from Trades, about the drink tonight. Im gonna give it til 5pm then think I’m going to just block him once and for all as I just find him rude, we are definitely not compatible.

Just going to say, if he is a tradesman and on site he won't always have his phone on him. Could be in the van / on silent. But if he's annoyed you about other stuff - do what feels right

Thanks @BelladiMamma, he’s self employed but works alone and is able to message. And yeah 100% there is other stuff, he’s pissed me off a few times, whether im unreasonable or he’s an arse, I can conclude that we are incompatible and I cant be bothered with it any longer. Wish he’d just leave me alone but I’ll just block him then that’s that problem solved.

I will give it til 5pm then im done

@LanguidLeopard and @BellaDiMama I'd much prefer to be benched, painful as it can be to endure, than get involved with someone as a placeholder relationship when I happen to be all in with the feels. So I don't know whether I'm that strong emotionally, it just seems like the lesser of two agonies.

Digressing, I think the placeholder is something that can happen very easily in the dynamics of online dating. I think it's true of most of us that it's rare to find someone you connect with properly and when you do, you can fall over yourself in excitement out of the fear of missing out on them. It quite often happens that they're maybe at a stage of needing some validation of themselves as an attractive person (I cast no apersions on women in particular here, blokes need that too) and they're really happy to receive that attention. So I'd rather let the sands of time and personal growth work on that so they're coming at me from roughly the same place I'm coming from.

I don't even feel that miserable when someone backs off without closing off contact because I see it then as a timing, a 'where they're at right now' thing. It's as much their loss as mine in a way, because they are pulling away from something really genuine. This may sound weird and hippy-ish but I find myself seeing them as a fellow passenger and just wishing the best for them, whatever happens. We may both move forward and reconnect later as minor variations on how we were. Or one or both of us can find the courage to take up a genuine connection with that rare someone else. I think there's the rub, you need the belief that those other rare connections are out there for you and them. When you think of it like that, why wouldn't you wish that for someone if they couldn't find it with you ?

I am literally screen shotting your last paragraph there @HairyArsedMan. It really resonates with me so much.

@HairyArsedMan I do really enjoy reading your posts, they're so thought provoking. Wrt the comms issue, it's the quality as well as quantity for me, so whether the messaging shows care for you, for example. In my case, my last message to Mr BE included info about having had a bit of a rubbish day and feeling a bit crap. No answer since yesterday evening. Which just feels a bit uncaring to me... He's also at a festival from this evening so I wouldn't expect anything over the weekend. I don't know, I'm feeling that this incompatibility in communication levels might be the death of our relationship :(

@SortingItOut not the military but still the warning flags are there

@Shayelle2009. He’s a postie, so I appreciate he’s tired on a night. That’s not an issue, it’s the fact that there was no discussion and it made me suspicious. He made such a big thing about it, it was just weird.

@WeWantTheFinestWines that’s why I blocked mr fencing - I can’t function on scraps either, NOBODY is that busy they can’t take 2 seconds to say “really busy today, will call u later” especially when you’re supposed to be dating or getting to know someone or whatever 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

[quote Iamclearlyamug]@WeWantTheFinestWines that’s why I blocked mr fencing - I can’t function on scraps either, NOBODY is that busy they can’t take 2 seconds to say “really busy today, will call u later” especially when you’re supposed to be dating or getting to know someone or whatever 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️[/quote]
My ex h of 20 years standing was bewilderingly, upsettingly, traumatically, frequently out of touch. Even when children were in hospital. Just total fuckwittery in my book.
A bit of ebb and flow and space I can deal with. Not deliberate lack of contact or communication in an intimate relationship. Never again.

@HairyArsedMan I need your zen. I have a visceral need to know that someone I am into is also into me. Not by love-bombing, but just by communicating, being present, showing that I'm on their mind. I have never wanted to bench anyone or seen anyone as a placeholder. I'm in or out. I so rarely feel a connection with someone or want to see someone again - and I would never pretend for fear of being alone. I can feel lonely at times (although I'm getting better at being on my own) but would never spend time with someone I wasn't genuinely into because I didn't want to be on my own. So when the stars align and somone I like says they want to see me again I'm off like a rocket (in my head - I don't lovebomb or stalk) - so when comms are lukewarm I can only take it as rejection. The stupid thing is I'm really chilled about friends being rubbish at communicating - I don't take it personally at all. Because I know where I stand with them. But a new man - I really don't know so I need reassurance. Which for me is communication. And a chilled out, busy dude has no hope in hell because I will assume he's gone off me if I don't hear from him for a whole day. No wonder I'm single.

@Shayelle2009 any news from Mr Trades? He doesn't seem worthy of your time, if you ask me.

@Naimee87 did you say your friend ended it with a bloke and now is wondering why she hasn't heard from him? I hope I've misunderstood that one...! Try to enjoy Mr Elf instead of worrying about it going wrong (are you me?) and keep trucking!

[quote WeWantTheFinestWines]@HairyArsedMan I need your zen. I have a visceral need to know that someone I am into is also into me. Not by love-bombing, but just by communicating, being present, showing that I'm on their mind. I have never wanted to bench anyone or seen anyone as a placeholder. I'm in or out. I so rarely feel a connection with someone or want to see someone again - and I would never pretend for fear of being alone. I can feel lonely at times (although I'm getting better at being on my own) but would never spend time with someone I wasn't genuinely into because I didn't want to be on my own. So when the stars align and somone I like says they want to see me again I'm off like a rocket (in my head - I don't lovebomb or stalk) - so when comms are lukewarm I can only take it as rejection. The stupid thing is I'm really chilled about friends being rubbish at communicating - I don't take it personally at all. Because I know where I stand with them. But a new man - I really don't know so I need reassurance. Which for me is communication. And a chilled out, busy dude has no hope in hell because I will assume he's gone off me if I don't hear from him for a whole day. No wonder I'm single.[/quote]
I'm almost exactly the same... And am holding off messaging Mr BE to end things because I can't handle the lack of comms

@Shayelle2009 hey. I'm looking at changing my gym so turning it into a fitness room could work. Any news from Mr Trades?

@Heartbeats0708 he says he has no appetite, or sense of taste or smell. Also a little weak. Don't think he has a bad case thankfully.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I swear you are ME! I rarely feel any connection but when I do, I cling on for dear life. Actually I have been following @HairyArsedMan's advice and taking more of a step back and seeing how things pan out rather than trying to make things happen. At least you are aware of how you might be behaving and trying to amend it accordingly. It's very hard when you are in the midst of things I know.

I understand the clinging on. I rarely feel an attraction, so when I do my heart rules my head. I need to just chill and relax.

[quote Eesha]**@WeWantTheFinestWines* I swear you are ME! I rarely feel any connection but when I do, I cling on for dear life. Actually I have been following @HairyArsedMan*'s advice and taking more of a step back and seeing how things pan out rather than trying to make things happen. At least you are aware of how you might be behaving and trying to amend it accordingly. It's very hard when you are in the midst of things I know.[/quote]
We need to learn chill out @Eesha...

@Mylifestartstoday

I understand the clinging on. I rarely feel an attraction, so when I do my heart rules my head. I need to just chill and relax.

That's what I've done with pen pal guy 😫

Sorry keyboard is broken some of the punctuation keys don't work properly!! Hence the all the ! you will see! @WeWantTheFinestWines yes they had a heated argument and she ended things but it was a heat of the moment thing and she's now really wondering how to get in touch with him as he's been silent ever since! She wondered if she should text him as she'd love for another go! The argument was just stupid (they weren't drunk)! Just difficult with the whole communication issue as if she reaches him i guess she looks desperate! And the fact that he hasn't been in touch is not a good sign! Not sure what she should do really! I think i'd reach him if i were her! Which leads me to @HairyArsedMan as i love and wish i could adopt the zen approach you have! I definitely wish i was more able to be this way! Take things as they come and put myself more in the other persons shoes! But i'm definitely similar to those who mentioned being clingy when a good thing comes along! To all of those who are turning spare rooms into gyms i think this is incredible! I love my spare room (it is more of a 'everything room' BUT has space to workout) and i love my(sons) skipping rope it sets me up for the day! Look at pinterest for workouts too! There is one for everything! My cross-fit friend reccommended i up my weights to 8kgs and i can barely lift them! Giving them a go though! Any news @Misty9 on MrBlueEyes or communications still not really matching? Could he be more of a facetime/chat kind of person? Or @Iamclearlyamug have you had any of your date '0's yet? Took me ages to realise i was getting scraps from MrS! @Shayelle2009 did you get anything back from MrTrades?

@Naimee87

So I had 3 dates with mr fencing before he got himself blocked last night and told me he recommended I get an attitude adjustment - prick 😂😂

I’ve had 2 dates with mr yacht but he flies out for work on Sunday for 8 weeks - sad times as I like this one but will see how it goes while he’s gone

Also had 2 dates with mr Romania and a third planned for tomorrow 😂😂

I’ve been a busy girl this week, but it’s all very casual as I REALLY don’t know what I want 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️ I miss mr lorry and him starting to like all my shit on fb and insta is fucking with my head 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Well that's me back tonight from holidays. I'm loving the chat about investment and what that means to us all. I am definitely guilty of over investing and I don't even have anything substantial to invest in yet so god help you all if things actually do escalate.

A wee summary of where I'm at with my chats... and they are all chats, no meets yet

Mr DJ - as before. thanks for advice recently. Such a nice smile, funny and the longest-lasting connection but not messaged for the last week of me being away. Trying to pluck up the courage to drop him a line saying I'm back.

Mr Silent: tbh not sure why I'm mentioning uk. - quick to suggest a date when I matched with him on tinder a week ago. Not been at all in touch since. Going to unmatch. Gives me the creeps

Joined FB Dating a couple of nights ago to add to the 'portfolio' and now also have:

Mr Caravan - early days but fun chat. I know this might sound a bit up myself but may not get the full intellectual connection I'm looking for... but might be fun for a while. Suspect we will arrange to meet soon.

Mr Libido - have a date a week on Tuesday with him. He put his cards in the table from the outset : 'something casual' = dates and nice times together when it suits both of us but not heavy. This is pretty much what I want tbh after separating from a 25y relationship last year. But he messaged me this morning to say I needed to know he has a very high sex drive and would that be a problem. I thought it was a bit odd to say, so now think he is looking for more of a f*buddy than I first thought. I have mixed feelings about this - not all bad 😳 - but a mental / intellectual connection is important to me. With that kind of emphasis on the physical side from the outset, it also gives me a bit of The Fear because although I have a slim frame I do have some extra pounds at the moment which I'm on the way to losing, but I hate the prospect of anyone turning up to a meeting with me and being really turned off. All but one of my pics is a selfie (because lockdown / no social stuff) so there ha one pic that shows my full frame but I'm really not trying to mislead.

So just so I don't lose perspective - is it ok or actually very creepy to say to someone so early on "would it piss you off if I constantly want to have sex with you when we meet?"

is it ok or actually very creepy to say to someone so early on "would it piss you off if I constantly want to have sex with you when we meet?"

If you're looking for a fuck buddy, that sounds perfect, right on the job description.

If you're looking to date, it's horrible.