Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@HairyArsedMan i really like your post on projecting good qualities onto someone you are drawn to because they are attractive. I’m thinking this is perhaps what i did with MrS which lead me to see him as someone that he really wasn’t.
@Isitreallyme177 hope you’re feeling a little better seems you’ve alot on your plate at the moment and doesn’t sound too easy. Have you got any holidays coming up?
@Heartbeats0708 i’m really hoping to do a little trip with MrElf he’s back again on the weekend and i’m free next week as i’m on holiday! We haven’t planned anything so lets see. So pleased we’ve had no text hiccups this time! He’s very chatty i worry more that he is quite intense but i think this is quite a cultural thing. And its a nice change to have someone be so caring and considerate. And i remember he turned up with chocolates and perfume on our first date (was my actual birthday though) similar to iamclearlyamugs truckers from similar countries to him. He bought little gifts back from
his trip last time and this time i have a gift for him too.
@Shayelle2009 happy to hear from you and sorry about your week sounds like a tough one! Scary too. MrTrades sounds nice is he just not your cup of tea?
@Eesha good luck on the flight!
@WeWantTheFinestWines i think texting things is so hard because often jokes are just taken completely out of context which is what happened with MrElf. I would also have txted something like you did and his reaction is so over the top. It’s i
suppose an easy way out if someones not feeling it to take offense to something that so clearly isn’t offensive. But i echo the others here you weren’t at fault so spend no time beating yourself up here. And i likely wouldn’t follow up with a txt as much as i’d want one. Stay strong, go for a pint and order the most expensive steak served with a side of scrambled eggs and enjoy a brew after WITH milk!
I’ve always entertained second dates unless the date ‘0’ was horrendous. If that was the case i’d usually make an excuse to leave as free time is precious. I think it could have been heartbeats but not totally sure that said usually you know really rather soon if you want to see the person again and i’m like this.

@Shayelle2009 yes, that is what I keep telling myself. In the long run I would find the lifestyle boring I expect - although I had every intention of living on wine, meat and ice cream when I was not with him!

@HairyArsedMan there's a lot to be said for not jumping into anything and taking your time to really work out how you feel. I think my stance is that the only way I will know how I feel is by getting to know the person and the only way that will happen is through more dates. I'm either sure I don't want another date or I'm not sure, in which case the way to find out is through another date. I went on two second dates in the past year for that reason. In both cases I knew after the second date that I didn't want to pursue it any further, but I'm really glad I made sure. And I get in there immediately and tell them how I feel because I know how much I hate hanging around, waiting to hear.

@Iamclearlyamug well done for blocking - unless there's a specific reason for it, two days of silence is unacceptable when you're meant to be getting to know each other. And then he's rude. Back in the SoT with him.

@Naimee87 yes, my whole situation with Mr Teacher was completely avoidable and happened due to textual misjudgement. I did send him another message (and felt better for it) saying I assumed he was not accepting my apology and wishing him well. He replied saying he did accept my apology and thanked me. So that's that. He's probably too delicate for me anyway - I'm quite blunt and forthright and some people can't really handle that. I'm too old to change - I'm also kind and loyal and have lots of good qualities so someone would have to give me a chance to show them that too.

What kills me is that I have been dating for a year, I'm slowly getting over my ex but still miss him pathetically a year down the line, I haven't been terribly interested in any of the dates I've been on - until Mr Teacher. I was so happy to find that I could enjoy someone's company so much I floated all the way home with a big smile on my face. Oh well.

Have a lovely time with Mr Elf!!!

@WeWantTheFinestWines I do sympathise - and have been there. I had one date a few months ago and it seemed good. Even agreed to do something else in the middle of the date in a nice spontaneous way. Got a message next day saying she didn’t see a lifetime with me and that was that. All I was thinking about was another date !

I think you’ve hit on the positive element to this though with your final paragraph, even though you are lamenting things a bit. You’ve made progress from your split because you’re discovered you can have a great date and feel hopeful about the future. That’s not such an easy feeling to come by and you should reflect that it came from within you and Mr Teacher just happened to be there. You can do it again, so don’t let this set you back

@WeWantTheFinestWines I’m like you I find it soo rare to find someone I'm interested in at all. Last one for me was back in Jan 2020, that one didn’t work out either, this old dating malarkey is bloody tough and not for the faint hearted is it 😕

Hey @Shayelle2009 hope you're doing okay.🌻👋

@Naimee87 I'm okay, just have to keep on going, at some point life will give me a break. No holiday planned, but I'm going to the Isle of wight festival in September (Mr Cricket offered me his tent to use) so I'm looking forward to that. I just have to keep my anxiety under control. Hope you're doing well?

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think the fact that you were genuinely interested in Mr Teacher after dating for a year and still missing your ex is the huge positive you should take from this situation. You know your ❤ is open again!

I do think people come into our lives for a reason, even it isn't clear at the time. He wasn't right for you, but the next one might be and you'll be ready for him.

[quote HairyArsedMan]@Languidleopard No, I think you’d be justified in thinking that to be honest when met with silence post date.

A thoughtful bloke would probably keep lines of communication open, even if he isn’t immediately pushing for a next date.[/quote]
@HairyArsedMan Keeping the communication going us always a good thing, but isn't there a risk the other person might suspect they've been relegated to "the bench" while you consider other options?

I love your spin on it gorgeous people! I genuinely feel better for the empathy and support on this thread. If I have to be in this single-and-hoping boat, at least I get to share it with you kind threaders. Thank you.

Well re the comms front, MrBeard has been in touch whilst with his family and has now organised our second date. Yay 😁

I've still got a few conversations going but I've not committed either way with anyone of them and haven't gone beyond the 'let's meet for coffee when I'm better'. And that only with two of them. I actually think one of them is definitely not ready to meet but he very kindly brought me some things in hospital when I was there.

I am starting to massively over invest in MrBeard but I also just don't think I should be ending chats now.

Thoughts?

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I love your spin on it gorgeous people! I genuinely feel better for the empathy and support on this thread. If I have to be in this single-and-hoping boat, at least I get to share it with you kind threaders. Thank you.

♥️♥️♥️

Hello
Mind if I join. New to thread and name changed for this.

I have a penpal from OLD. We met and went on a few dates then Covid happened. Still in touch. Still flirts. Hasn't arranged to see me but makes it clear he wants to.

Had some problems to deal with and looks like he is coming out on the other side.

Not sure if I'm being led on but I hope not. He isn't married , etc I know that for a fact. Don't ask how.

I am starting to massively over invest in MrBeard but I also just don't think I should be ending chats now.

Thoughts?

@Bella since joining this group you've struck me as one of the many(!) with an exceptionally well balanced attitude to this whole dating shenanigans. I think your approach to Mr Beard / other irons seems bang on for now - you're not misleading anyone and once you have your next get together with Mr Beard perhaps a clearer direction for them all will emerge. I am hopeful for how it's all sounding though!

Have really been enjoying the perspectives shared on here more generally in the last couple of days, thank you all for interesting insights, grounded views and as we would say here in Scotland, helping me 'keep the heid'!

Hello @ActonSquirrel. How do you feel about this person? You've been penpals for quite a long time now if you've not met since COVID hit?

@FireandBrimstone

Hello *@ActonSquirrel*. How do you feel about this person? You've been penpals for quite a long time now if you've not met since COVID hit?

Hi thank you for replying.

I like him a lot. He says he likes me a lot. We have lots I common.

No we haven't seen each other for about 18 months.

He texts a lot. Often says things that show he is planning.

I don't want to say too much because it is quite identifying although it is ludicrous to think anyone would recognise.

He has life long anxiety that was quite severe. was drinking to manage it and has had to stop as it affected his health. He was up front about it and honest and is getting to grips with sobriety

He started a new job just before the pandemic hit and it was about 50 miles but good rail connections.

I have been back on OLD as I thought he was wasting my time but tbh not come across anyone I'd want to meet. So I keep thinking of him and we talk all the time

@Shayelle2009

Hey everyone 👋🏻 Catching up with the thread and everyone’s stories. *@Eesha* hope you have a lovely holiday and you hear from mr lawyer! *@Iamclearlyamug* sorry to hear about you and mr lorry 😢 Hi *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, @BelladiMamma, @VanGoghsDog, @SpringlikeBunk* and everyone..

I am still off OLD, hopped on for a day but it just depresses me and deleted it again.

Mr Trades is still on the scene. I’d deleted him but he’s spotted me out and about a few times and has stayed in touch. He’s not very forthcoming though and don't know if he's just crap with women or doesn't know what to do. He’s said to go meet him in the pub a couple of times but I can never do things with zero notice. But we may meet for a drink tomorrow night. I don't feel massively enthused but I am hard work so am going to try and give it a chance..

Hope everyone is well though 💛🧡❤️

@Shayelle2009 just saying 👋 back! And sending you lots of ❤️ 😘😘

@ActonSquirrel you sound like an amazing, patient and empathetic person. Even if the other chats you're having aren't exciting you, then if nothing else, maybe they are there for context and contrast as you start to discuss the prospect of resuming your meetings. Hope to hear how things develop

@BelladiMamma

Well re the comms front, MrBeard has been in touch whilst with his family and has now organised our second date. Yay 😁

I've still got a few conversations going but I've not committed either way with anyone of them and haven't gone beyond the 'let's meet for coffee when I'm better'. And that only with two of them. I actually think one of them is definitely not ready to meet but he very kindly brought me some things in hospital when I was there.

I am starting to massively over invest in MrBeard but I also just don't think I should be ending chats now.

Thoughts?

@BelladiMamma I vote for keeping the other chats you have going for now. It all sounds good to go with Mr Beard, but one thing I've learnt during my (extremely limited) experience of OLD is that pickings are slim and there aren't actually that many men I feel like chatting to?

@Languidleopard Yep, it’s a risk, but I’m not really talking about pondering things for days on end - just having some space to reflect.

I’m maybe rare but if it was the other way round, I wouldn’t be too worried about being benched. While I’m not down on myself if I can help it, I’d be a gigantic egotist if I imagined a few hours with me meant that all other eligible blokes had suddenly become ‘lesser’. If there were other options to be filtered, then I’d prefer for them to get on with it. Much rather someone was interested in me after they’d surveyed the field rather than having not done that.

@HairyArsedMan

I completely agree with that - I’ve had my share of “one/two date wonders” where it’s been great and felt there was a connection/chemistry but nothing after.

obviously it would be nice for my ego to have them completely smitten 🥰

But I just have to accept that of course there’s going to be plenty of “fizzling out” the way modern dating is stacked?

I have my own preferences and boundaries (eg I don’t host and don’t like doing too much organising )

and maybe if I changed them I’d get more longevity - but equally I don’t really want to take on that mental load?

I’ve probably detached from perfectly attractive types early on for silly/superficial reasons and I expect I’ve been dismissed for similar ones!

Thoughts on communication, messages and calls, needed please.
Met with Mr Pat last Friday, went for a lovely walk, talked for hours, seemed super keen. Then, not much in the way of messages. Maybe one message a day, if that.
Using WhatsApp, he has blue ticks set up, but doesn’t have last time online viewable. Only messages early evening (4-9) then silence, can either read a message but not respond or leave unread the whole day. A couple of friends have said this is strange. Is it? I know not everyone can look at a phone whilst at work, but I know he could in his job. I can have full blown conversation with friends via WhatsApp…..is this unusual for men?
My brother hates using the phone, and messages are few and far between but how else do you get to know each other if you don’t keep in touch?
I don’t know if I expected too much, too needy…..or whether there’s maybe a wife/girlfriend already around, which would be horrendous as I was cheated on.
It’s over now because I asked why he didn’t like to chat, which was turned into something akin to me killing his granny.
So…..how much messaging/texting do you want/expect/is normal?
I don’t think I’m cut out for dating, it’s all too complicated

@Mylifestartstoday

I don't think there's a right answer to this really-- you're early stages yet? Like you say different people have different messaging styles.

If his messaging style doesn't suit you but you want to continue dating that's a trade-off and you have to think if it suits you longer term.

I've communicated with some brilliant messagers who are completely flaky and also there are some solid guys who aren't big messagers.

It's really just working out what suits you and take one day at a time?

I've had really enthusiastic messagers who have "fizzled out" so early chats aren't really an indication of whether a guy is into you or not

(in fact some enthusiastic messagers are because they want text sex or hook-ups or to push intimacy sooner than I'm comfortable with - they see sending messages as "dating" so make no effort in person!)

I'd just take the contact slowly and if you are up for a second meet then organising that is the next step.

Mylife that's the exact reason I fucked it up with Mr Teacher. I can't function on scraps, which is what that sounds like. It takes seconds to send a message and it means everything to keep the lines of communication open. If you want to get to know someone, arrange a second date, see if there's potential, then how can you if messages go unanswered? No comms = no interest for me. If you're not interested, just let me know, don't go AWOL. And if you are interested, definitely don't go AWOL!

I wish I could be more patient but I guess I can't. So I'm completely with you on this one and I too would have brought it up.

[quote FireandBrimstone]@ActonSquirrel you sound like an amazing, patient and empathetic person. Even if the other chats you're having aren't exciting you, then if nothing else, maybe they are there for context and contrast as you start to discuss the prospect of resuming your meetings. Hope to hear how things develop[/quote]
Thank you! That's a nice thing to say 😊

I do worry as he flirts with me intensely and then acts like it never happened he has barely spoken to me for a week now.

Then he seems genuinely shocked when I ask if he is using me.

I guess he isn't my boyfriend

@Mylifestartstoday no right answer here. I think you have to accept that great texters also dont necessarily mean amazing men.
My last date would only write me a message around midnight each day initially. I thought married but when I joked about it, he said he basically threw himself into work (big lawyer type), no phone, worked late, then exercise, then reading/chat to friends, then late at night, he would reply via the app. I took it with a pinch of salt but he upped his game by say sending me a few messages say 9ish, occasionally a chat. We met and hit it off, then discussed texting and he admitted he wasn't a big texter anyway for various reasons (work) so currently he will reply pretty quickly if I write to him but really isn't one for actively writing unless needs be. It's bizarre as we live in this texting world and like you, how else can you get to know someone if you aren't seeing them much? But what I've done using the advice from my guru @HairyArsedMan is kept it light as not everyone uses text like us. I've had regular messagers before and it doesn't mean anything really. It's much more what someone is like in person.

@ActonSquirrel you've devoted 18 months to this man and still no plans to meet? I think you are wasting your time completely. Have you had video calls etc?