Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Shayelle2009 Hey! I wondered where you were. Was Mr Trades the one who compared you to someone you didn't like? He might just be crap with women so might be worth chatting to him in a less formal type meeting ie not a date.

@WeWantTheFinestWines how are you feeling today?

Off away this weekend for 2 weeks. Im terrified of flying and have general anxiety with travel so I doubt it will be a barrel of laughs but I'm doing it with the aid of CBT.

I have messaged Mr Lawyer light chat every couple of days and he always replies quickly but mainly fun rather than asking me much/prolonging chat. I don't think I'll be messaging him at all during my trip because of my anxiety anyway and so I'll probably pick up again when I'm back and try and do that second date. If he doesn't seem keen, then I'll leave it.

[quote Languidleopard]@WeWantTheFinestWines Sometimes, that horrible, insecure feeling I get in my gut after I've had an interaction with someone is actually my intuition telling me this person isn't a good fit for me.

To try and neutralise it, I seek reassurance from the other party, but even if I get it, the next interaction I have with them, the feeling is back, I crave more reassurance, but I still feel insecure etc etc.

Interactions especially at the beginning of a relationship should have a nice, easy flow to them, they shouldn't make you second guess yourself ❤[/quote]
I am familiar with that too and it's very unhealthy. In this case I do think it was all me though. He is just not someone who goes online very much and he kept that going - I just thought we'd ramp it up now that we'd met and got on. I'm actually sure we would have continued that level of comms and next time we met I could have brought up that I need more. But now there won't be a next time.

[quote Eesha]@Shayelle2009 Hey! I wondered where you were. Was Mr Trades the one who compared you to someone you didn't like? He might just be crap with women so might be worth chatting to him in a less formal type meeting ie not a date.

@WeWantTheFinestWines how are you feeling today?

Off away this weekend for 2 weeks. Im terrified of flying and have general anxiety with travel so I doubt it will be a barrel of laughs but I'm doing it with the aid of CBT.

I have messaged Mr Lawyer light chat every couple of days and he always replies quickly but mainly fun rather than asking me much/prolonging chat. I don't think I'll be messaging him at all during my trip because of my anxiety anyway and so I'll probably pick up again when I'm back and try and do that second date. If he doesn't seem keen, then I'll leave it.[/quote]
Are you getting to see family, I can't remember anymore? Whatever happens I hope that goes well 🍀

Re comms at least you'll be away for a while and that might help you to figure out what you need / want. Without spending much time together regularly it's hard to get the comms right I think?

MrBeard has gone to see his mum for a few days. I know he doesn't get on very well with her and he's let me know he won't be in touch so much. So in fact I'm kind of enjoying the break as we had both got ourselves into the habit of messaging overnight the last couple of nights and we've agreed that at our age we really need our sleep 😴.

@BelladiMamma thank you! I'm going with family so it is the safest situation for me but I have a long history which makes it hard for me. I was debating saying to Mr Lawyer that I would pick up when I'm back or just leave it then pick up. We obviously aren't in the same situation as you and Mr Beard plus its not like he messages me, it's always me messaging him. Hmmmm red flag already!

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma thank you! I'm going with family so it is the safest situation for me but I have a long history which makes it hard for me. I was debating saying to Mr Lawyer that I would pick up when I'm back or just leave it then pick up. We obviously aren't in the same situation as you and Mr Beard plus its not like he messages me, it's always me messaging him. Hmmmm red flag already![/quote]
Oh bless you. Really really hope that goes ok 🍀
Maybe you can suggest a date for coffee when you get back? If his response is lukewarm then you know you don't need to think about him too much when you are away?

Hi @Eesha I had a funny week or so as one of my neighbours died and it was a bit traumatic and it made me go a but weird thinking I wanted to move.. long story short I’ve seen the light and calmed down.. so not really been on here much.

Yeah exactly that was MrTrades. However I’d had a LOT to drink and had a bit of a sense of humour failure so I hold my hands up there. He does seem like an ok guy but yes think he is a bit crap with women so it would be a big job to train him 😂 I think he is slowly learning as I’ve made it clear I can’t meet up with zero notice. He does keep coming back when I push him away which is quite sweet I guess.

Where you going on hols?? x

@WeWantTheFinestWines I’m sorry the date went like that but you shouldn't be being hard on yourself you did absolutely nothing wrong!! It doesn't sound like you’d be compatible and perhaps he’s just a bit of a dick making you feel like this, don't beat yourself up he didn't sound easy going, and you sound lovely and worthy of someone a lot better natured than him. X

Thank you for your kind thoughts Shayelle and the rest of you lovely threaders. I'm still gutted but I have to keep remembering that it would be difficult dating a vegan who lives over an hour away and wouldn't join me in a glass of wine. Sounds grim on paper, but he really was fun on the date. Hey ho... maybe another nice man will come along next year...

Eesha you'll be fine! I find flying scary too, but we all know it's the safest form of travel. Weirdly I find comfort in listening to a podcast that recounts crashes but also why they happened and the lengthy list of changes introduced to ensure those things can't happen again. So every crash improves safety. It's called Black Box Down if you're interested. It's very nerdy but so am I about some things.

Today I will mostly be refraining from sending Mr Teacher a 'goodbye and good luck' message. I am always compelled - in life - to tie things up and finish them off before moving on.

Been catching up but will probably get a bit lost- had my covid jab and it's left me a bit foggy headed!
@WeWantTheFinestWines do refrain from sending that message, I know the craving for closure but it might be premature. I have to agree with the excellent thoughts about listening to your gut courtesy of @Languidleopard. That's exactly how I felt with Mr Polo and I wish I'd listened to the voice screaming"he's bad news!" instead of ignoring it and listening to my bits
Good luck with the hols @Eesha I'm not a nervous flyer but those rescue remedy pastilles settle my nerves in other situations, it might be placebo but it works for me.
Welcome @auberginesrus I hope you get some clarity- I have found that some men genuinely don't go for the post-sex debrief, for want of a better term, but it didn't mean anything was "wrong" so to speak, just wasn't their style.
@Shayelle2009 nice to have you back, sorry to you and @JustAnotherOldMan on a traumatic week.
I've forgotten the posters name that was on/off with Mr Cricket but I've been thinking of them too!
In my news, looking forward to a mini break with Mr D next week 🥰 we do have some times with little conversation but it doesn't feel like a stilted silence, I'm always tempted to keep conversation going all the time but making a conscious effort to tone it down a bit and just enjoy the moment. It was a bit of an amber flag for me at first but I think it's one of those easy adjustments to different communication styles that I can make.

You see I’m deeply sympathetic to the agony of waiting to hear from someone after what you consider to be a a decent to good first date, and it’s not something I would want to put someone through. However coming from a position of knowing myself, and perhaps a bit about people, it’s really common for us to project lots of decent qualities on to someone we just find attractive without really knowing that much about them. So I think this taking it slow and being deliberate thing can be re-framed as consideration rather than rejection (at least until it does actually turn out to be rejection).

Of course the best consideration comes in the form of them continuing to want to get to know you and hastening that process, but then there’s also the consideration of them deciding not to waste your time or lead you on where there’s a lurking incompatibility beyond all the physical attraction. I’m actually usually quite quick to consider a second date as a first date is often not enough to even start to see the personality of someone.

Guess I’m thinking about caution too because of a third date looming with Miss CanISeeYourBirthCertificate. Things to think about: recently split up from long term relationship and overtly aggrieved; it’s been several months getting to this point and she at first said nothing romantic there, but then did a 180 after we met for a friendly coffee. There’s some distance involved.

@HairyArsedMan

You see I’m deeply sympathetic to the agony of waiting to hear from someone after what you consider to be a a decent to good first date, and it’s not something I would want to put someone through. However coming from a position of knowing myself, and perhaps a bit about people, it’s really common for us to project lots of decent qualities on to someone we just find attractive without really knowing that much about them. So I think this taking it slow and being deliberate thing can be re-framed as consideration rather than rejection (at least until it does actually turn out to be rejection).

Of course the best consideration comes in the form of them continuing to want to get to know you and hastening that process, but then there’s also the consideration of them deciding not to waste your time or lead you on where there’s a lurking incompatibility beyond all the physical attraction. I’m actually usually quite quick to consider a second date as a first date is often not enough to even start to see the personality of someone.

Guess I’m thinking about caution too because of a third date looming with Miss CanISeeYourBirthCertificate. Things to think about: recently split up from long term relationship and overtly aggrieved; it’s been several months getting to this point and she at first said nothing romantic there, but then did a 180 after we met for a friendly coffee. There’s some distance involved.

That is a very considered and rational approach. I would have counselled friends to do the same in OLD before I started doing it myself and lived through all the minor crushes and disappointments of it!!

As I've said before, doing OLD has helped me to put the other non old entanglements from last year into a different perspective. I think there's something healthier about the interactions I've had on OLD, maybe because I had my eyes opened to the various reasons people pursue you or drop you. It's a funny old world out there 😬

@Heartbeats0708 that was me. My lodger is moving out so I've been concentrating on rejigging my finances, redoing my budget, applying for new jobs, planning what to do with my spare room(and trying not to feel sorry for myself after hurting my toe and dealing with a depressed cat who misses her sister).

Mr Cricket has covid, thankfully caught after I saw him last so he is now in self isolation. There goes any chance of me seeing him until he gets the all clear and I was looking forward to hearing about his holiday.

Glad it's going well with Mr D. I always try not to overthink those little bits of silence as sometimes conversations have natural pauses and sometimes it is nice to just sit with someone and not say a word as it's their presence next to you that matters.

@BelladiMamma @WeWantTheFinestWines @Heartbeats0708 thank you. It's more than fear of the flight, there's a bigger history to it that I won't bore you all with. I've had CBT and I think that will really help.

[quote Eesha]**@BelladiMamma* @WeWantTheFinestWines* @Heartbeats0708 thank you. It's more than fear of the flight, there's a bigger history to it that I won't bore you all with. I've had CBT and I think that will really help.[/quote]
💗💗💗

Just seen this article from last year about OLD ... a few choice stats here in the screenshots 😱

@BelladiMamma

Just seen this article from last year about OLD ... a few choice stats here in the screenshots 😱

That is so interesting, thanks for sharing, and thanks for your encouraging words higher up the thread too

@BelladiMamma I can’t quite parse what you’ve said there - do you mean it’s all well and good in theory but completely different when it comes to practising it yourself ?

I think those stats are interesting. On the ‘would you date 10 years younger one’, wonder if they asked about dating ten years older too, and how that broke down.

Can’t quite tally that around 2 in 3 blokes are looking for exclusive long term relationships at the same time as dating without commitment and looking for casual sex. While not all may be covering all bases, it seems for a fair few any option represents a happy path …

[quote LaganBehind]@BelladiMamma I can’t quite parse what you’ve said there - do you mean it’s all well and good in theory but completely different when it comes to practising it yourself ?

I think those stats are interesting. On the ‘would you date 10 years younger one’, wonder if they asked about dating ten years older too, and how that broke down.

Can’t quite tally that around 2 in 3 blokes are looking for exclusive long term relationships at the same time as dating without commitment and looking for casual sex. While not all may be covering all bases, it seems for a fair few any option represents a happy path …[/quote]
Hi not sure which comment you're referring to but in terms of comms I meant that I wouldn't leave people hanging whilst making my mind up, or think to myself that they deserve a few more weeks of a chance. If I know off the bat it's not going to work I will tell them - from great advice on here about how to let down gently and honestly.

When I was meeting people through mutual friends before OLD I would always give people a second third or fourth chance because they were a friend of a friend or we had something in common eg work / hobby etc. That led to a few really disastrous situations which ended up being quite dangerous for me - literally - when I should have just said thanks but no thanks very early on.

Sorry Line of Duty thread name change fail there …

I see, I think I’m advocating for leaving some space for consideration and not hurtling forwards which helps with not generating false hope and all the repercussions of that

@HairyArsedMan

Sorry Line of Duty thread name change fail there …

I see, I think I’m advocating for leaving some space for consideration and not hurtling forwards which helps with not generating false hope and all the repercussions of that

I totally get that. As soon as I know either way I now tend to spill - whether it's for another meet or not! Having held back a bit too much and allowed others to project onto me or allowed them to keep me hanging on in the past, I'm all for quick and painless honesty now 😁.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I would totally struggle with someone who doesn't want a drink? Or a burger haha… it is a shame if he was fun but there will absolutely be someone out there who is more compatible for you.. its a shame when you felt a spark but best it ends after 1 meet if it wasn't meant to be than 6 months down the line when you've got attached. x

Hello @Heartbeats0708 and @Isitreallyme177 👋🏻🌸🌸

Always really love reading @HairyArsedMan posts they are so wise and insightful

@HairyArsedMan I totally get leaving some time for consideration and not hurtling into something. You can't decide whether you're really interested in being with someone after spending a couple of hours with them, taking into consideration that you'll both be on your absolutely best behaviour and out to impress.

However! How to convey this in a way which is kind, honest and doesn't look like your trying to give them the brush off? Is arranging a second or third date off the table or can you be evaluating them and making your mind up while you go along?

If things have gone well on a first date but I get tumbleweed afterwards I have to admit I'm thinking he's a player or he's interested in someone else. What I categorically am not thinking is - he's a thoughtful serious kind of guy who just needs a bit of time and space to process what's going on here...perhaps I ought to from now on!

@Heartbeats0708 yes, I've "listened to my bits" over my head and my instinct many times. I find they can be really convincing and shout very loudly

So I blocked Mr Fencing after 2 days of radio silence despite me messaging, no point me wasting my time if he wasn’t interested. Then I get a text message saying he recommends I get a new attitude 😂😂😂 ODFOD, bullet dodged!!

@Languidleopard No, I think you’d be justified in thinking that to be honest when met with silence post date.

A thoughtful bloke would probably keep lines of communication open, even if he isn’t immediately pushing for a next date.