Dating Thread 208 - sausage fest summer

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

If anyone can think of a better way of leaving us both a bit of time to think about things after a first date, I'm all ears

I hate being put on the spot, so if I am I say "I'll let you know". You could say "great meet you, let's text about meeting up again", then it's open to either if you and it's not committed.

But how about tell them in advance? "Looking forward to seeing you, just to let you know I like to reflect after meeting so I won't know straight away how I feel about meeting up again".
That sounds rubbish, doesn't it?

@SpringLikeBunk - can you explain more what your issue is? I didn't mind men having female friends. I would baulk at them calling them "my best female friend" because I don't refer to my friends by their sex. I'd also be a bit put off by lots of photos but then I'm 53 and most men I meet don't really use social media and I personally almost never post photos so I'd think it was odd.

I myself have a bit of a collection of "friend zoned" blokes, but I'm weaning them off because I don't want them!!

[quote Iamclearlyamug]@Naimee87 thanks for asking, I’m struggling a bit tbh, I had properly fallen for him. He’s started liking some of my stuff on Facebook which I keep overthinking, but he hasn’t tried to get in touch.

I have a couple of new irons on the go to try and take my mind off things.

1. we’ll call him mr yacht. Works 8 weeks on and 8 weeks off, offshore as he’s a chef on a super yacht. Very polite, very articulate, had drinks with him last night and a lovely lunch date today, ended with a kiss and that we’ll see each other soon (he flies back to work on Saturday)

2. we’ll call him mr fencing. Went to watch him play football as a first date (v casual and just my kind of thing) met a couple of his friends. Saw him again Saturday night, met his business partner and his wife, stayed up till gone midnight as a group just laughing and talking. Seems very disinterested though, but swears he’s not and is just “really busy” but if I back off because I feel like I’m getting nothing, he asks why I’m being off with him. So a bit of a mind fuck which I’m not sure I can cope with right now

3. let’s call him mr Romania. Because he’s Romanian obvs. Another lorry driver - I seem to have a type 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️ met him for a drink, nice bloke but verrrrry intense and talks about sex a lot. Turned up to the date with a dozen long stemmed red roses and some chocolates. Possibly seeing him tomorrow as he has a delivery near where I live.

Any thoughts ladies? To be honest I’m not over mr lorry but he’s made his choice and I have to accept that as hard as it is 😢😢[/quote]
@Iamclearlyamug

Chef on a super yacht = yes please!

Mr Fencing = if the mind fuck games have started already, and you have two other potential irons, I would be trying to step back from this one, give him a bit of space and see whether he ups his game. You are the prize. Let him bring the fight to you so it speak.

Mr Romania - the flowers, chocolates, intensity and talking about sex a lot would all equal pressure for my avoidant attachment style, I guess it depends on whether the full on approach attracts you or scares you up death.

The dating sweet spot is probably somewhere between Mr Fencing (too distant) and Mr Romania (too full on). Not sure how helpful I've been there tbh

@HairyArsedMan gosh I wouldnt like to hear that 😅😯 it would feel like a rejection. I'd probably prefer and affirmative and then someone to pull out later on. One time when I feel upfront is not my preference!

I was supposed to see Mr Footballer today (not to be confused with Mr football coach - no update sadly), he was like let me know when u finish work (5ish) and we can sort our plans out. Just meant to be going for a quiet drink (he's an old iron). He was being pushy earlier in the day asking for pics which annoyed me. Then at 4.45 he messages "I'll be with you at 5.30" I was thinking eh 🤔 I'd only just dropped my son off! Needed to get ready etc. Told him I needed more time he replies "OK will come for 6pm", not asking if it's OK just telling me. I thought fuck it I can get ready in time but had a miserable sad feeling (combination of sadness at Mr Italy flaking on me, and Mr Footballers pushiness) as I was getting ready. He then messaged saying shall I just pop over with a bottle of wine, this storm is awful. He's always saying can I pop over which I take as code for let's have a shag so this just annoyed me as well. Its England we're used to rain here surely, we both drive ("storm"=tiny brief bit of thunder).

I said no, continued to get ready, feeling shit. He messaged "what's your nearest pub to you" and I just thought fuck this, feeling rushed and like he doesn't give a fuck, just wants to come to some shit pub early as possible and then presumably go on to his better plans after.

I should have said up front I want to go out somewhere nice for a drink (I wanted to get get dressed up)... But at that point I just messaged saying I don't want to come anymore the vibe is wrong and rushed and I'm not feeling it.

He was really shocked and kept calling me a loon. He said the closest pub thing was to save me going far in the bad weather, which I accept I misinterpreted, but the rest I just had a gut feeling it was off.

I should never have agreed to such casual plans i definitely take the blame for that...hes done nothing wrong i suppose and now I'm the flake. Am I mad??? 😫

@JustAnother0ldMan

Thanks all, My dad died of cancer in 2018, & my mum got the same diagnosis yesterday & they are going to operate on Monday, so pretty serious, might have to give old a knock on the head for now as may have move into her house (fortunately I can work from there) and support her Cheers all

@JustAnotherOldMan so sorry to hear about your Mum and sending supportive vibes to you and your family.

Another vote for honesty with the person you're chatting with.

Pretending to be cheerful and keeping up the small talk as if nothing has happened when you're dealing with such difficult circumstances will be exhausting for you. Plus if things progress you will need to justify why you weren't honest with her straight away. Give her the opportunity io be supportive, she may surprise you

I should never have agreed to such casual plans i definitely take the blame for that...hes done nothing wrong i suppose and now I'm the flake. Am I mad??? 😫

Nope. Expect plans at least 24hrs beforehand. Decorator tried this, it pissed me right off. Also, dump anyone who calls you a loon.

dump anyone who calls you a loon.

Definitely. Really sorry all that happened.

No I'm ASD and (hardcore) STEM so many of my mates/ex-colleagues are men!

(one as lodger and am staying with a geek mate this weekend who has a partner just to do sports).

So no issue with the dynamic.

I think it's the situation of posting a photo of yourself with someone attractive, and "gushing" over them?

Like I get on with my male mates, but it's quite equitable and mutual respect and we aren't really that much connected?

I guess I've found there's a certain "type" of guy who for some psychological reason ends up meeting women in dating situations then staying in touch and being at their beck and call and it's just awkward ?

I met someone a few years ago and most of his so-called "close friends" were attractive women he wanted to date who had turned him down (but basically "used" him to do favours and it just was a bit creepy - you got the impression as well he told them all about his emotional/dating life). There just didn't seem to be good boundaries.

Same as I guess if a grown woman was "active fangirl" for the local male rugby team? (or the cycling team)? Even if nothing is happening romantically or practically and the interest isn't reciprocated, it's still a bit ick.

It's not competitiveness - everyone is multiple dating early on including me, it just isn't that attractive?

I don't think I'm that enthusiastic anyway so might just leave it

(the dates are too close for me moving and him returning and I don't want to have to make time for a coffee or drink and then staying in touch)

PS

When I say "beck and call" I don't mean "helping out with a favour from time to time or being sporadically in touch and meeting every now and then" which is cool and how life is in 2021 - I mean like "besties in touch all the time reporting on everything to each other"?

Like MrC is a helpful guy and so I expect if I was really desperate for him to move a fridge or something and had no-one else and gave him a coffee he would.

But I don't think he'd be wanting to message every day and report on his emotional state and who he was dating and spend long angsty emotional semi-dates together.

@Naimee87 I am hoping we will be 'Living Apart Together' which does mean being 100% committed but not blending lives, money or getting married.
He has previously said he wouldn't want to live with anyone until his son is in his twenties which is 10+ years away.

I'm not sure if he would change his mind, the end of his last relationship affected his son lots as they had blended families so he is reluctant to do that again.

When we were FWB it was so much easier as no expectation or feelings on either side, he developed feelings first and I went along with it.
Sometimes I think we are really just exclusive FWB/relationship lite.

@Heartbeats0708 yes I'm going to speak to him next week before my family event, would have done it this week but we're barely seeing each other this week as he's off to a festival....although that might not happen as he's cracked a rib and is in alot of pain.

Another reason not to live together, he's an awful patient, he hates being ill or injured, he gets rather mopey and down🙄
Luckily doesn't happen often.

@JustAnotherOldMan Sorry to hear about your mum, how kind of you to move in with her to help 💕
I agree with letting the lady know,better to be honest as you're likely to be distracted by everything.

@Bbub You have done nothing wrong,it does sound all on his terms, surely he knew your work hours and you'd need to get ready...why didn't he message to ask about a time that suited you?

Personally I like firm plans including time at least 1 day ahead.

I think he may have been angling for sex by suggesting a pub close to you, have a drink and go back to yours.

You said he is an old iron, what happened the last time?
Was he like this before?

Thanks for your thoughts on my date. @Languidleopard - I actually didn't mind the vegan talk, but it became a running joke how he could turn any subject round to it. But he laughed about it and I actually don't think he had a problem with my reaction to it on the date.

@HairyArsedMan I would also feel rejected. I know pretty much immediately whether I want to see someone again. I usually don't. And then I get in there first and send them a message to let them know as soon as I'm back in my car. If I do want to see them again, I will also let them know pretty immediately and leave the ball in their court. And because I don't have to think about it, to me the fact that they had to take time to think about it would mean they were not interested.

So the problem with Mr Teacher. I sent him the message about converting vegans because I hadn't heard from him since his brief 'enjoyed it' message. Nothing by 10am and I know he gets up early. So - even though he had suggested meeting again at the end of the date - my insecurities kicked in and I thought he'd just been polite and I'd never hear from him again. He wasn't a prolific messenger before, but I thought after a great date, messages would surely pick up, so I read the lack of communication as a sign of cold feet.

So rather than send a bland "how's your day" message (oh how I wish I'd done that) I sent the 'maybe you're just dating to convert people' message, hoping he'd come back with something to make me feel better (I'm so shit at dating) and that would kick off a bit of a conversation. What I got was "of course not!" an hour and a half after he saw it - followed an hour later by "did you honestly think I'd do an 80 mile round trip just to attempt to convert a meat eater? I am shocked by that" and no 'x', which he usually always puts in his messages.

So now I have offended him, instead of getting the reassurance I was looking for. Well done me. So I replied saying I was sort of joking, but I'd realised I was more aware of what I was eating (which is true) and I thought it would be a novel way to spread the message - and then I apologised and said I hoped he hadn't gone completely off me as I would like to see him again and I don't usually want to see people again. Which is true and what have I got to lose? He's read it but not responded and this was 5 hours ago.

So I have royally screwed this up due to my insecurities. And he'd even said he wanted to meet again! But then he went quiet and when men go quiet in my life it usually means they're no longer interested. It's a shame as he's the first man I've fancied for a year, and I would give it a go despite the veganism and non-drinking, because he was fun, cute, educated and made me laugh

@WeWantTheFinestWines you absolutely haven't royally screwed anything up. I feel this is one of these many situations early on in meeting someone, where texting is fraught with the risk of misinterpretation as you don't have expressions and tones of voice to layer on. Try to take your mind off it for this evening (believe me, I know how hard that is #overthinker 🙋‍♀️) . Don't write off the relationship, or the potential for it, just yet.

@Bbub I would have hated that too! Well done for not going along with something you were not comfortable with. I had the opposite - an iron questioning me when I suggested meeting at a certain time. I'd told him when I finish work so he said 'do you want to make it later - you'll want time to shower and get ready'. I really wanted to say I wouldn't have suggested that time if I didn't think I'd be capable of getting myself there for that time and I don't actually have a second shower for a first date and just how controlling are you? Instead I just cancelled by text later.

[quote FireandBrimstone]@WeWantTheFinestWines you absolutely haven't royally screwed anything up. I feel this is one of these many situations early on in meeting someone, where texting is fraught with the risk of misinterpretation as you don't have expressions and tones of voice to layer on. Try to take your mind off it for this evening (believe me, I know how hard that is #overthinker 🙋‍♀️) . Don't write off the relationship, or the potential for it, just yet. [/quote]
Thank you Fire (love the name!) - so much scope for misunderstanding in writing. I'll try to distract myself tonight.

Hello all, joining the thread. Split up with my husband in lockdown last year, and moved out in October, so thought I would dip my toe in the OLD pool over the last couple of months and see how it goes. New to any sort of OLD - I was in my last relationship for 23 years.

Have done a bit of chatting with a few blokes - some potentially interesting and funny who then just disappear, or men who only talk about themselves and never ask anything about me (they get ditched after a couple of messages!).

I struggle with the chatting with more than one iron at once - just feels a bit disengenous to me, not to mention exhausting! I'd kind of decided to give it a miss for a bit when I realised I'd matched with lets call him Mr Geek on Facebook dating and he'd sent me a message 4 days earlier . That was 4 weeks ago - lots of chatting since, met for coffee after a few days (my suggestion) moved onto Whatsapp for chatting and he has been really consistent at messaging every day, and we're having great conversations but slow to suggest meeting. 2nd date I suggested again but he was enthusiastic and 3rd date this Monday after I made it clear it was up to him to suggest something! Anyway lovely tapas date, and then he came back to mine and things progressed rather quickly, but very enjoyably. He messaged me the next morning to see how I was but has definitely been quieter and hasn't suggested getting together since, or even mentioned the fact that we've had sex even tangentally. (I said I was tired after the late night but it was worth it).

I've got a habit of over thinking things, but can't help feeling I've blown it. He definitely had not given me the impression that was all he after - so either I've read him completely wrong or he doesn't think we're compatible .

I'm just leaving it for now and will see what happens, but feel like the ball is firmly in his court.

@WeWantTheFinestWines you sound like me and I so feel your pain! I would personally just try and put it down to experience and if he does come back, then you can try and wing it and say you were kidding. Bear in mind though he did have that period of silence though whereas wasn't like that before you met so perhaps you did sense something was wrong and he was going to disappear anyway. Try not to beat yourself up too much about it.

Thanks to though who commented, I definitely feel I made the right choice

@SortingItOut he was always quite pushy although we only had one meet before losing touch (ie me deleting him from Snapchat), he found me on hinge recently which is how we started talking again. Feel I dodged a bullet now!

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think I remember that story did you post on here about it? That is indeed so weird and controlling as if you need to be told when to have a shower!

One guy I suggested meeting at 8pm to was like "you finish at 5 what are you doing before you meet me" it's just such a turn off when people are up your arse about times either way! I binned him and he said "hope he makes you smile" - implying that I only ditched him cause I'd found another guy 😂😂 another bullet dodged!

[quote Eesha]@WeWantTheFinestWines you sound like me and I so feel your pain! I would personally just try and put it down to experience and if he does come back, then you can try and wing it and say you were kidding. Bear in mind though he did have that period of silence though whereas wasn't like that before you met so perhaps you did sense something was wrong and he was going to disappear anyway. Try not to beat yourself up too much about it.[/quote]
Thank you @Eesha ❤

@Bbub

Thanks to though who commented, I definitely feel I made the right choice

@SortingItOut he was always quite pushy although we only had one meet before losing touch (ie me deleting him from Snapchat), he found me on hinge recently which is how we started talking again. Feel I dodged a bullet now!

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think I remember that story did you post on here about it? That is indeed so weird and controlling as if you need to be told when to have a shower!

One guy I suggested meeting at 8pm to was like "you finish at 5 what are you doing before you meet me" it's just such a turn off when people are up your arse about times either way! I binned him and he said "hope he makes you smile" - implying that I only ditched him cause I'd found another guy 😂😂 another bullet dodged!

Yes @Bbub what a weird thing to say! Account for your moments please! And the iron who told me to shower was the one who also insisted on a video call for first chat. Made me feel like I was in a job interview. Vile.

Welcome to the thread @auberginesrus

@WeWantTheFinestWines Sometimes, that horrible, insecure feeling I get in my gut after I've had an interaction with someone is actually my intuition telling me this person isn't a good fit for me.

To try and neutralise it, I seek reassurance from the other party, but even if I get it, the next interaction I have with them, the feeling is back, I crave more reassurance, but I still feel insecure etc etc.

Interactions especially at the beginning of a relationship should have a nice, easy flow to them, they shouldn't make you second guess yourself ❤

[quote Languidleopard]@WeWantTheFinestWines Sometimes, that horrible, insecure feeling I get in my gut after I've had an interaction with someone is actually my intuition telling me this person isn't a good fit for me.

To try and neutralise it, I seek reassurance from the other party, but even if I get it, the next interaction I have with them, the feeling is back, I crave more reassurance, but I still feel insecure etc etc.

Interactions especially at the beginning of a relationship should have a nice, easy flow to them, they shouldn't make you second guess yourself ❤[/quote]
Gosh as if this doesn't sum up pretty much all of my dating experience! Nicely put @Languidleopard

@auberginesrus

Hello all, joining the thread. Split up with my husband in lockdown last year, and moved out in October, so thought I would dip my toe in the OLD pool over the last couple of months and see how it goes. New to any sort of OLD - I was in my last relationship for 23 years.

Have done a bit of chatting with a few blokes - some potentially interesting and funny who then just disappear, or men who only talk about themselves and never ask anything about me (they get ditched after a couple of messages!).

I struggle with the chatting with more than one iron at once - just feels a bit disengenous to me, not to mention exhausting! I'd kind of decided to give it a miss for a bit when I realised I'd matched with lets call him Mr Geek on Facebook dating and he'd sent me a message 4 days earlier . That was 4 weeks ago - lots of chatting since, met for coffee after a few days (my suggestion) moved onto Whatsapp for chatting and he has been really consistent at messaging every day, and we're having great conversations but slow to suggest meeting. 2nd date I suggested again but he was enthusiastic and 3rd date this Monday after I made it clear it was up to him to suggest something! Anyway lovely tapas date, and then he came back to mine and things progressed rather quickly, but very enjoyably. He messaged me the next morning to see how I was but has definitely been quieter and hasn't suggested getting together since, or even mentioned the fact that we've had sex even tangentally. (I said I was tired after the late night but it was worth it).

I've got a habit of over thinking things, but can't help feeling I've blown it. He definitely had not given me the impression that was all he after - so either I've read him completely wrong or he doesn't think we're compatible .

I'm just leaving it for now and will see what happens, but feel like the ball is firmly in his court.

Hi aubergine welcome 🤗

Sorry about the iron who's disappeared. Do you think he's ghosting you and gone for ever? If he came back with the best excuse ever, which you believed, would you want to see him again?

I think this is a perennial problem with OLD. Other people are also dipping in and out, trying to figure out if they want a relationship and if you're the one.

PP's talk about the sweet shop mentality of OLD; I've also had insight from a male friend about how they'd rather go quiet than be in touch with someone they don't want a relationship with.

It's all very unsatisfactory especially if you're looking for something long term.

Also, in my personal experience, I found it really hard to navigate dating / men / sex in the first few months after my divorce. I still find it reverberates now - my last three month wonder ended up triggering how bad I felt about my divorce because he kept asking me about it in an effort to be 'supportive'. In fact he was just encroaching my boundaries and half of our conversations would be about his or my divorce. Yawn 🥱

There are also some men out there who think we are desperate because we are divorced and single. It's crap.

Anyway, there is fun to be had out there, just make sure it is fine and look after the rest of your life too (remember the rules!!)

🤗🤗🤗👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻♥️♥️♥️

Haven’t caught up on everything yet! Hopefully later on i will have! 🤩
@JustAnotherOldMan so sorry to hear the news about your mum hope you’re doing OK. I’d also opt for the truth with MrsB especially if you do like her. Better to explain in as much detail as you feel is necessary so she understands why you need the space/time. The worst is when you feel someone pull away with vague/no explanation as you feel its you that has somehow done something wrong.
@Iamclearlyamug sounds very much like me and MrS and trying to see him in between lorry driving stops although he did long distance sometimes and when he stopped the night i’d spend all night with him in the truck i actually found it SO exciting! My friends think i’m nuts! 😂 Which admittedly i really am.
@WeWantTheFinestWines i can feel your frustration i’m a ‘need to know now’ kind of person with the worst ability to be patient. I’m hoping you aren’t driving yourself too crazy! But yes OLD has the power to shove a whole load of low-self esteem at you when you least expect it. But it isn’t you just remember that.

Hey everyone 👋🏻 Catching up with the thread and everyone’s stories.
@Eesha hope you have a lovely holiday and you hear from mr lawyer!
@Iamclearlyamug sorry to hear about you and mr lorry 😢
Hi @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, @BelladiMamma, @VanGoghsDog, @SpringlikeBunk and everyone..

I am still off OLD, hopped on for a day but it just depresses me and deleted it again.

Mr Trades is still on the scene. I’d deleted him but he’s spotted me out and about a few times and has stayed in touch. He’s not very forthcoming though and don't know if he's just crap with women or doesn't know what to do. He’s said to go meet him in the pub a couple of times but I can never do things with zero notice. But we may meet for a drink tomorrow night. I don't feel massively enthused but I am hard work so am going to try and give it a chance..

Hope everyone is well though 💛🧡❤️