If you have been married for over twenty-five years...

[Fishkettlesgalore]

...what do you think when you meet couples who have been married for the same amount of time or longer?

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Am I being unnecessarily negative about this? I could be because my own marriage, whilst not awful, is far from great atm, but this could be pandemic-fatigue talking.

I don’t know that I think anything tbh. We’ve been married 26 years, together 31 and yes, our big power struggles are behind us but I don’t think about the politics of other couples’ relationships. If they’re close, long-standing friends I’ve likely got some insights already.

I don’t really think anything about it.

Why would you think that? Is that what has happened in your relationship? We've been together that long and I don't think either of us has made any big compromises? What sort of thing do you mean?

I don't think about it in the way you mean, but I do know that a lot of my friends in long marriages are not exactly happy. One or two couples are but others are just making do and don't want the upset of a divorce. They often reached a watershed moment and decided to stay put.

Me- married 36 years.

You never know what has gone on/ is going on in other people's marriages, no matter how well you know them.
I know couples with seemingly idyllic marriages who have divorced, and others I'd have bet good money on their not making it to the altar who are rock solid (as far as I know anyway)

I have been married for almost 20 years. It has been up and down and we do row but on balance I don't feel I made a compromise, more that I lucked out. I hope my dh feels the same. I am not starry eyed. Apart from the romantic aspects, I see marriage as being essentially a contract and bundle of rights. Marriage is an enterprise which involves our children, house, assets and future retirement and security, but an enterprise both (I hope) are committed to seeing through.

I would say that our marriage is not based on gender stereotypes or gender-based division of labour. We both work ft and contribute equally to the marriage financially and domestically, in line with our individual strengths.

@Fishkettlesgalore - I think they probably deserve a bloody medal to be honest. I've been married over 30 years and it's really hard. My marriage is going through a rough patch too. Teenage/young adult offspring are stressful at times and my OH has always been Mr Angry. I often think that if we'd been able to afford to support 2 households I would have probably left him by now. I'm not particularly looking forward to growing old with him. On the other hand, I know several couples who've been married for 20+ years who are still really happy.

I'm 23 years in and yeah we've had our moments but right now and probably for the last 10 years, it's been bloody marvelous. Now the kids are older we have more time together as a couple and really enjoy each others company. I still miss him when he's out and look forward to him coming home. I think the secret is we can still have a really good laugh together...but I think we are a minority.

.what do you think when you meet couples who have been married for the same amount of time or longer?

Smug. I feel we are in a smug club together.

My marriage is, and always has been, wonderful. As was my parents marriage, my brothers marriage, and all if my wider family too. A big bunch of Smug Marrieds.

I guess I project that, so assume all other long relatiovships are really happy like those I have first hand experience of.

I don't really think anything, tbh. I've been married over 30 years, mostly very happily but we've had our tough times as you'd expect over so many years. We are still best friends and I hope we'll grow old together. I suppose we have both made compromises over the years but I think that's part of the give and take of marriage. I feel very lucky that we found each other.

Like everyone else, I don't really think anything.

I don't think any of us really have much of an inkling what goes on in other people's relationships unless you live in each others pockets.

I suspect everyone into their 50s will have made compromises in their lives at one point or another, married or not. I don't think that is exclusive to marriage, it s about how the world rubs along.

Thinking about it, I don't perceive 'compromise' as a negative thing.

I think nothing.
if I did, I wouldn't assume they are unhappy & must have had to compromise a lot.

I'm sorry things are not going well for you but I think you are projecting.

However, I've only been married for 21 years so what do I know?🤣

If I think anything, it’s that longterm relationships are essentially mysterious and operate like small independent states with their own arcane laws and customs that are unintelligible to an outsider.

@PleasurePrinciple you are so right!

I've been married for 30 years. Had some very low moments but overall I am all about the stability, having grown up in a household of turmoil. I do live the steadiness of it.

May I ask what you mean by power struggles JosephineDeBeauharnais? I have come to realise that dh is quite controlling in a very gentlemanly, benign manner.

I used to think that I had lucked out Blueshoes as dh is intelligent, hard-working, helpful, kind, funny, trustworthy, and reliable.

The circumstances of our life together have been challenging though. His family caused quite a few problems for us and he has a "big" job for not huge financial reward, for which I was expected to follow him abroad and live in "challenging" accommodation and for which I pretty much ruined my own career (I was able to work in a similar field but at a much lower level) and with our assets here, we will probably never return to the UK now.

But mainly, silly though this sounds, all this time I just feel I have been waiting around for him to be less emotionally distant and let's just say that I have realised that that day will probably never arrive.

He is a good father and has made time for our children when not travelling or working. He seems to be more interested in them than me now they are adults tbh which I suppose is good in one way.

I don't think I am exactly easy to live with though as I am quite emotional. I like my own company and I am independent, not needy at all, but I do want the quality of our time when we are together to be meaningful and not just going through the motions. He is quite evasive and closed in terms of his personality. Hates any sort of confrontation.

We do talk a lot about current affairs and we laugh but at the same time, he can't seem to cope with any conversations that are deep and meaningful. In fact any hint of that makes him retreat even deeper in to his shell. I'm a bit weary of it tbh.

That's interesting you say that Wordsmith. I am not sure we have entirely recovered from the stresses of the teenage years yet

And those of you who say compromise is normal and not necessarily a bad thing; yes I see your point. I suppose the balance of compromises has to be right though?

Yes Zing it is quite likely that I am projecting.

I suppose the balance of compromises has to be right though?

Or one's individual perception of it?

@Fishkettlesgalore

Yes Zing it is quite likely that I am projecting.

@Fishkettlesgalore

I'm sorry if I sound like a dick but the phrase "misery loves company" popped up in my mind.
Because you are struggling it's probably easier for you to imagine that others don't have it easy either, because that makes you feel less alone.
I can totally understand that, it's quite a common self-protecting thought process.

And honestly if it helps you through just keep thinking it!
But I hope that things will improve for you, soon x

@PleasurePrinciple

If I think anything, it’s that longterm relationships are essentially mysterious and operate like small independent states with their own arcane laws and customs that are unintelligible to an outsider.

Yes, that sums it up perfectly!

Been married 42 years has had a lot of challenges. Due to infertility we adopted 2 children. Always stayed on the same page. One child is a dream other very challenging. Always had the positive outlook and both now in a great place. Lovely 3 dgs and very happy with it all. Really had to stick together through all this. All is good now.

I don't tend to think anything but if I did I think they are lucky to have each other.

Actually Zing most of my friends seem to have solid marriages and as I am quite close to them, and know them well, I tend to take them at face value.

My sister has had a harder time and I know its been a struggle for her but they are still plodding along.

It's when I hear of someone in the abstract who I dont know in rl, who has been married for over 25 years, that I tend to think "poor sod"! So I suppose I must be thinking of my own marriage there, rather than anyone else's!

I thought you meant it a thought excercise too actually!
I didn't think you were trying to misread the relationships of people close to you on purpose.

I guess it's like me automatically feeling sorry for anyone who is 9m pg because I've been there a few times and it was tough.