If you have been married for over twenty-five years...

[Fishkettlesgalore]

...what do you think when you meet couples who have been married for the same amount of time or longer?

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Am I being unnecessarily negative about this? I could be because my own marriage, whilst not awful, is far from great atm, but this could be pandemic-fatigue talking.

In my opinion, any relationship is built on compromise and mutual respect.

We celebrate 25 years this year. We went through TTC heartache followed by 4 IVF failures , a miscarriage and the adoption process before becoming parents two days after our 10th wedding anniversary.

Since then it's been the usual parenting struggles with some adoption related issues thrown in and more recently our DD becoming seriously ill and being diagnosed with an life long auto immune condition.

We've come through it all and are rock solid. Still love and enjoy each other's company and it still feels as fresh as it did when we first met. Doesn't feel like a compromise at all.

Thank-you @Fishkettlesgalore

@AngelsWithSilverWings

• sorry you had to struggle so

-glad that your marriage is a bright spot.

Me married 3 times. Number 1 lasted 3 months, number 2 about 3 years, number 3 about ten years. Every time I left. I'm rubbish at marriage. No more!

I think there must be huge variation. Also, it always hard to know exactly what is going on from the outside. I personally could only read the situation for couples I'd know very well for many years, and even that could be wrong.

I know couples that I believe are very close, on the same page and seem very very happy together. I know others that are not as happy, but they have a way of getting along together, but it often involves in have more separate lives.

If things are not good, it would have ended way before 25 years.

I'd be inclined to think if a couple are having sex (with each other!) after 25 years then the relationship is good.

Personally, we've had up/downs, a few significant challenges, but never considered splitting... and yes, we having sex :)

Mostly I don't think anything, but I do j ow one couple who married at 19yo and 4 children and more than 30 years later are still smitten and sooo lovely to each other. No bickering or moaning about each other with friends. Them, I do wonder about, in an is it too good to be true kind of way.

44 years next week.
This is my second marriage (DH's first) We have four DS's, sadly no GC's. but the hardest part of our marriage was when the boys were young, and there were times when I wanted to shake him very hard, but over the years we have grown closer, and closer.
Something I noticed was that many of our friends split up round about the 10 year mark, one of the Ds's has parted with his DW after 10 years, is this a stage when people re-evaluate their relationship/marriage?

40+ years married. But in those days when I looked around and saw the way all the older generation of wives did the cooking & cleaning & all the household chores, I was very sure that I did not want that sort of marriage.
I made it very clear to my husband to be that it would be a completely equal partnership, with us both working and both doing cleaning, cooking washing etc. And that’s the way it’s always been. Obviously when I was at home looking after the kids for a few years, I did much more of the household chores, but as soon as I went back to work, things were ‘equalised’ again.
We did of course have a good number of rows but the underlying love, respect and - very importantly - humour, was always there.
I’ve also always been very firm in allocating importance to my own interests, even in the face of disapproval from both my DHs DM & mine, as they felt I should be dedicating all my time & efforts to keeping the man of the house happy as that’s what they were conditioned to do.

Compromise is essential for any type of relationship. We would all be very lonely people without it. Some relationships are worth the compromise others aren’t the secret to success is learning when to compromise.

This ^
I always think this when I see all the 'moaning about MiL' threads on here, and all the threads where people are dramatically talking about ending friendships over nothing.
Obviously a marriage is more intense than a friendship, but all relationships need people to be able to see past something that is annoying, or at the very least be able to raise it and then find a compromise.

Yep, you’re being negative. 32 years, just looking at selling the family home and buying our retirement flat. It’s as exciting as our first flat!
It’s wonderful waking up each day with someone who knows you inside out but still loves you in spite of that 🤣

@AngelsWithSilverWings so sorry to hear about your daughter. Have you heard of the Wim Hof method? Using exposure to the cold water and breathing exercises to control the autonomic nervous system and therefore the immune system.

Have a look online and am sure he has books too? He has helped people with various autoimmune disorders to manage their symptoms e.g. with ms, asthma, arthritis and fibromyalgia.

We've been together 26 years but not married (so not sure I completely qualify) but I don't think anything of meeting other couples who have been together this long. I certainly don't feel I have made any compromises at all. DP is lovely - fantastic father, very supportive of my career, we are on the same page with most important things, we enjoy doing lots of things together (both quite geeky), but enjoy doing things separately too. If you have worries perhaps it's because you expect the relationship of others to be like yours - kind of projecting maybe?

Not at that many years of marriage yet, but I imagine I'd be thinking that they too just haven't annoyed each other enough yet to warrant a high level of arsenic being slipped into food or their morning coffee.

Kind of how I feel about most long term marriages though that I know. Mainly its more of how has the husband survived this long considering how annoying he is.

@1WayOrAnother2 I totally agree that nearly losing someone makes you appreciate them probably even more than you did.

DH had a stroke 5 years ago and I was told by the hospital that they didn't think he would get through the night. He did and actually made an almost miraculous recovery. It has changes his personality a bit in that he used to be very laid back but now gets irritable quickly and can snap although not usually at me.

Things that used to annoy me like how messy he is now don't really bother me as I am just so glad I still have him here.

Married 29 years, been together 31.

Our friends are younger than us, so have not been together as long, or have split with other partners and found somebody else since.

I often wonder what they are thinking of us ? 😀😀😀

All I can say that having been with dh for that long, we have learnt one important lesson: that nothing stays the same.
The way we were at the beginning is nothing like the way we are now.
Circumstances have changed but what’s important is, is that our feelings haven’t.

I think people have the mistaken belief that things will always stay the same, that you’ll always have the intenseness that you had in the beginning. It isn't called the honeymoon period for nothing.

People have divorced because they thought that as soon as that initial phase gives way to real life aka give and take, rolling with the punches etc, that something is wrong and divorce when all it was was a natural progression of a marriage/ long term relationship. Commitment.

I hope our friends see us in that light. Or they might think we’re a bickering old curmudgeonly pair of dinosaurs.🙂🙂

Ahem , sorry, that was a little ramble. As you were.

Probably us 🦕 🦕😀😀

Really, really fantastic to hear of all of these 25 year+, 30 year +, 40 year + successful marriages which are thriving and balanced and strong! You have all cheered me up and given me hope and I am very happy to be told that I am being negative!

SmokeyDevil thank you that made me cackle

My parents have been married for 53 years. They would say they have a good marriage. Both of them. But father is a total and utter nasty and horrid bully, physically, verbally and emotionally and an all round nasty fucker. She can be quite nasty but more of an enabler.

They argue daily and it's exhausting. Neither will leave the other. Each is hoping the other one will die first. What they can't see is that without each other and the life they have known for 50 years plus I can't see either flourishing. It's really sad actually. For them, I hope they die together and don't have to face it.

I can't say I ever think about it and have known loads.

I was married approx 33 years and I doubt anyone else gave us a thought either.

If you know people are unhappy in a long marriage, you might be inclined to think about them I suppose, eg, "Why do they stay together?". If they are OK, enjoying being together, it's not relevant.

I think I have compromised.
I gave up any career progression so he could reach the peak of his.
I’ve put up with little lies, spending money on stuff we don’t need/credit card use, and him drinking a bottle of wine a day, and snoring for years.
We won’t last after the last child has gone. I stayed for the kids but it would have been financially beneficial to have gone years ago.

@SmokeyDevil

Not at that many years of marriage yet, but I imagine I'd be thinking that they too just haven't annoyed each other enough yet to warrant a high level of arsenic being slipped into food or their morning coffee.

Kind of how I feel about most long term marriages though that I know. Mainly its more of how has the husband survived this long considering how annoying he is.

😂😂😂

My PIL were married 60 years. You might think how nice that is, but I know how she was treated all that time.
I look at long marriages and wonder if one of them hasn’t had the balls to leave and are miserable, or if they’re actually happy.

I’ve been married for over 50 years. My husband always says that the trick is to marry the right person. I think the trick is to never both want a divorce at the same time. Marriage isn’t easy and I don’t think it was meant to last this long . I have been known to say that I have served longer than Myra Hindley and I never committed a crime. The one thing I do know is that it is easy to think it will be better with someone else when it won’t be. It will just be different.

[quote lynsey91]**@1WayOrAnother2 I totally agree that nearly losing someone makes you appreciate them probably even more than you did.

DH had a stroke 5 years ago and I was told by the hospital that they didn't think he would get through the night. He did and actually made an almost miraculous recovery. It has changes his personality a bit in that he used to be very laid back but now gets irritable quickly and can snap although not usually at me.

Things that used to annoy me like how messy he is now don't really bother me as I am just so glad I still have him here.[/quote]
Glad you got him back!

Well first of all, never say never.

We've been together 25ys have lived together since our 2nd date. Have been through very rough patches and over 10 years ago split up (lived in same house) for nearly a year. we both dated other people in that time. But at the end of the day we use to sit and talk to each other most nights, the conversations were, our dates, our ruined marriage, the kids, our faults, money troubles. In the end we were still great friends and actually still liked each other and still very comfortable around each other.

We have changed lots and addressed major problems within our marriage (alcoholism was the biggest)

I think it was like watershed moment a PP mentioned. That was the time to go or make a go of it.

On the other hand I always bear in mind you don't know what the future holds, so maybe in a couple of years I could be commenting on a thread about how we split after 25+ years it's not impossible to imagine 🤷‍♀️