If you have been married for over twenty-five years...

[Fishkettlesgalore]

...what do you think when you meet couples who have been married for the same amount of time or longer?

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Am I being unnecessarily negative about this? I could be because my own marriage, whilst not awful, is far from great atm, but this could be pandemic-fatigue talking.

This is such an interesting thread and each and every post has given me something to think about. I’m sorry that some of you are feeling sad or stifled.

We’re over 25 years on. I’m very happy and believe he is too and we spend lots of time together. Strangely, one of the reasons I think we’re so close now is because a number of years ago he had an affair. Now, that was a tough time! He wanted us to stay together but I really wasn’t sure. I decided that I didn’t actually need to make a decision, staying didn’t mean I had decided to stay, it merely meant that I hadn’t yet taken the decision to leave. I certainly wasn’t going to sweep it under the carpet and knew the only way we could stay together was to build a new marriage. I focused on me and what I wanted in my life and in my marriage.

So basically, I’m married to the same man I was married to 10 years ago, but the marriage is completely different. It has worked for us, especially me. I’m much happier.

Sorry OP, I had read so many replies I didn’t answer the question.

Other couples? Well, they mostly don’t seem as close as us I don’t think and if they seem to be, I do wonder if something similar has happened in their marriage.

Married 35 + years.

We met and married young. I'm so glad that we've done our growing up together and managed to weather the storms.

It sounds dull but even after all these years my favourite thing to do would still be spending a day with him.

We're very different personalities but share the same values.

Good communication is important and I think regular mutually satisfying sex acts as glue in a relationship. However I know it's not possible for everyone.

I knew when I started to feel sorry for people who had been together a really long time and envious of people starting anew that my marriage was going to soon be over and that this would be something instigated by me. We were together for 20 years. I did love him and get on with him in many many ways but his bad moods just got too much for me and it was almost like I felt 20 years is long enough with one person. I can’t think of any long term relationships I would aspire to be like. It all looks hard work or boring! Maybe I will change my mind again one day but for the moment I still feel a bit sorry for people who are only with the one person and are not out there trying something new. Sorry if this offends abyone!

Oh goodness whatdirection, that must have been a total bodyblow.

38 years here.
Yes, we have to make compromises, but I think that's true of all relationships, personal, professional, etc.
I'm not the person I was when we married, neither is he, and the world is not the same as it was then either. So over the years we have diverged and converged many times over. There are been times when I wondered if we still fitted, but somehow we seem to shoot off and grow in our individual ways, adapt to what life throws at us, and find each other on the same page again.

I would not normally think about it, but I’d assume that such a relationship must have a lot going for it.

I think if you get together in teens or 20s there is a lot of growing to be done together, which doesn’t always work out.

Still having sex after that amount of time is amazing. Bravo! You must know each other inside out, done it all, well done!!

We have been married 25 years this year. Its been major ups and downs. So much grief and heartache but also so much love and fun. He winds me up sometimes but he's my best friend and I love being around him. He works hard and I'm now a stay at home mum which is mainly due to ill health. I love looking after our home but we share cooking and cleaning etc. We are a team. Not saying it's been easy but it's been worth it x

@LittlePearl that really sounds amazing. Long may it continue!

@Kintsugi16 that’s really interesting. I know friends who have spilt up over affair, or have an open relationship, but your case is very different. When I was a lot younger and immature I cheated for one night, told Fiancée , and he could never get over it. He wanted to know why, when, how, explicit details. It ruined his trust for me.

To answer the post, I’d never really think about it. But on reflection that’s quite a journey to be together for 25 years. But if you met at 20, then you might be only 45, and a lot more stuff can and will happen in life

I realised never answered the question either.

No I don't think about it. looking now it turns out I don't know anyone still together. Over the years I seen all my family and friends old and new separate, for many different reasons. A lot of women I meet now are single and living their lives quite happily.

oh I just remembered an aunt and uncle are still together actually, but about 20 years ago they split and lived separately for a while.

To answer the post, I’d never really think about it. But on reflection that’s quite a journey to be together for 25 years. But if you met at 20, then you might be only 45, and a lot more stuff can and will happen in life
@HeartOfClass I met my dp when I was 18.
I'm 48 now
Stuff does happen.
I was seriously ill in hospital in February.
I'm actually in the age bracket that I know of 2 widows in their 40s.
Both lost their dh suddenly.
One is younger than me

No one knows what's around the corner.

Coming back to this thread again as it's still going around in my mind! OP it's good to find others having a similar experience, I know I feel less alone knowing others have similar thoughts/feelings about their marriages.

And there are things I can say to MNers I can't say to anyone in real life! I definitely have really negative thoughts about DH and marriage on a regular basis (usually when I'm pre-menstrual I think) and I worry that we'll drift apart more and more as the kids get older. What on earth will we talk about when they're gone?? We're already struggling for conversation during this bloody pandemic

I think we get on much better when we communicate - but we're quite bad at this.

And I remembered today the film 'Date Night' which is worth a watch as it sums up this issue in comedy form! The couple are worried their marriage is stale and they're just 'really excellent roommates' - but they are the perfect example of a couple who just 'get' each other and work together in their own way to get through the date night adventure they're on. I love it because I worry the same thing and it strikes a chord, but I end up feeling much better about how we are muddling through marriage and life in our own unique way.