If you have been married for over twenty-five years...

[Fishkettlesgalore]

...what do you think when you meet couples who have been married for the same amount of time or longer?

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Am I being unnecessarily negative about this? I could be because my own marriage, whilst not awful, is far from great atm, but this could be pandemic-fatigue talking.

I like to hear of long marriages as so many marriages end in divorce.

Of course they are probably not all happy but I bet a lot are.

Me and DH have been married just over 40 years. Still very happy and in love. We have had a few ups and downs but have never felt that our marriage was hard work.

Both my siblings have been married 38 years and both happy. My parents were married 66 year and very happy (always holding hands and cuddling). Out of 6 cousins 4 have been married a long time (28, 32, 33 and 38 years) and are happy as far as I know.

I've been in the same relationship for almost 20 years, married for 10 of them. We got together very young. Looking back at it, with the benefit of a lot of therapy and self-reflection, the compromise and learning to accomodate the needs, wants and perspectives of another person is the key to a long relationship. That's a good thing. And if I am honest, my husband has made more compromises than I have.

@PleasurePrinciple

If I think anything, it’s that longterm relationships are essentially mysterious and operate like small independent states with their own arcane laws and customs that are unintelligible to an outsider.

This hits the nail on the head I think!

FWIW we passed the 20 year mark at the beginning of this month and it was a strange feeling. We have a good relationship, no major dramas or really big compromises, it's just all the little ones that sometimes wear you down.

I must admit to a mid-pandemic feeling of trapped-ness and that probably included marriage - not that I wanted to leave but more like a strange feeling of 'is this it' and a dread of hitting the 40 year mark and doing the same old things, resigned to putting up with each others' same old shit. I've changed quite a bit, I think, as a person in those 20 years, (we were married in our early 20s) but DH seems pretty similar to me - and there are things I used to like about him which now irritiate the life out of me...but I suspect that's a long-term marriage thing, just another one of those compromises...

I think I sound negative, I don't feel negative towards long-term marriage but yes I do think you significantly compromise your freedom of choice, because you always have to consider the other person - that's what you sign up to when you get married. Hopefully you will both consider each other equally and work as a team to figure it out and cope with all the ups and downs life throws over the years - as the PP says above you often find your own ways to do this as a couple in ways which others maybe wouldn't understand or even tolerate. I suppose that's the good thing about finding a relationship that works - being able to muck in together and find your own ways of making it work as a couple.

Thank you for all of the replies. A mix bag and all very interesting to read!

Whatdirection You are not derailing at all and I am so sorry, that is a hellish situation to go through. Unforgivable that he behaved so deceitfully towards you after such a long time together. And particularly hard when he hasn't acknowledged the enormity of his betrayal . Wishing you strength and (ultimately) peace.

Angrymum22 we felt the same way about our wedding and like Country girl and her DH, I think we share pretty much the same values.

I don't think most of us are just marking time in shared misery for the record I don't automatically think that either Lemonroses but I suppose I have come to a realisation that a long marriage is not necessarily all tea and cakes either!

Some very good points about compromises and, most importantly, whether they feel worth it. And of course this must be seen in the context of what one can bring to a relationship as well as what one takes from it.

The comments about losing yourself in long marriage and not being able to see the relationship clearly after such a long time certainly resonate with me. I think that is why I started this thread really. Our eldest is about to go to university and it is a time to reassess I suppose.

And of course it is lovely to read the posts about the happy, long marriages, from Lynsey91 and other posters! You never hear much about them on the Relationships board, or on Mumsnet in general, so it is good to know they do exist, and that there are more out there in the ether than one might imagine!

In fact there are so many posts about how awful some dps and dhs are on this site , that it makes me appreciate my DH more., not less. At the same time, of course Mumsnet is useful in that it is one of the few places where women's rights (and I use that phrase unapologetically) are discussed and taken seriously and I have certainly learned a lot from reading about other women's experiences here.

Thanks all!

Mixed bag that should have said!

28 years here. The hard bits where when the kids were babies with "competitive fatigue ", but DH got into it and became a co-parent. I did move with his job because the kids were little and my job was boring me, so that wasn't a compromise. I suppose the compromise was his having to go abroad for work several times a year and me staying behind to juggle.
I did get myself a new career, one that I am actually interested in and believe in and 7 years later have actually progressed for the first time in my working life.
Looking back, I am happy that I had the chance to move and change our situation, work very part time (15hrs a week) when the kids were little, and have a co-parent.
We laugh together, things are good and because we met young, we have a shared history and have grown up together.
What I wanted to say to you, OP, was that your life isn't over. It mightn't be a new career like me, but you have the future ahead of you and you will never get the time back.
One phrase in your post stood out to me: "I was expected to..."
Ok, but why do you have to fulfil those expectations now? (Or then)
Take a step back and lose everyone else's expectations. It's your time now and you will never get that back. Set some expectations for yourself, whatever you do x

Married fifteen years but together for ten years before that, so hopefully still counts.

We’ve settled into companionship. I make the same number of compromises I would make if I lived with my mother, or any other family member. Definitely easier to parent with a resident partner.

He obviously has flaws, as do I, but I am confident he is always on my side and he knows I am on his, and that is worth a lot. We’ve had a lot of external pressures in our relationship (infertility, family deaths, moving overseas), and knowing I don’t need to second-guess my marriage is invaluable.

If we split I think I would remain single - it took us a long time to get to this stage, and I couldn’t be bothered doing it all again with somebody I might not get on so well with.

I wouldn't be able to find someone to live with me as comfortably as current DH.

Always felt comfortable. Key thing really.

YellowDahlia I think you have hit the nail on the head there in that your post reflects most accurately how I feel. Maybe it is the pandemic as you say?

There is definitely a power imbalance between us (although he would argue otherwise) and as you say, the little compromises add up over time. I feel I have changed too and now that I am older and have fewer ties in terms of DC, I want more autonomy and freedom, not so much within our relationship itself, but within the things we do in our relationship (hard to explain).

Thank you; that has definitely clarified things.

@Fishkettlesgalore

Sorry you feel insulted but there is no need to be.

Most posters on this thread have twigged that…

Brilliant! In the next seven words another insult. So I am just thick eh? (twigged?)

Being forever married (since our 20s) and coping with EVERYTHING that comes along including losing one baby, two later DC, multiple redundancies, ludicrous inflation, all the other trials of life, and you infer we simply ‘compromise’.

We’re still very happy and loving. Sorry about that. Currently dealing with our adult kids problems...

Incidentally, we brought up our DC to always try and see things from the other person’s point of view. Maybe you could try that?

We only knew each other for 5 months before we got married but we saw each other every day from the day we met.

Marriage was very important to both of us. We never wanted to just live together, we wanted to show our commitment to each other.

@Whatdirection. Similar experience for me, although we are still together and he didn’t confess, I found out about some very historic disloyalty, plus a chronic porn habit. You could have knocked me down with a feather— that’s why I often find myself being cynical about the ‘he isn’t the type’ posts. 26 years here and I have come to the conclusion that many long marriages are successful because one or the other is easy going (I always have been in the past) or sometimes both people are and they often have good friends/family support networks— I think if you become quite co dependent then you are more likely to notice and question and find iffy behaviour— if your life is more ‘full’ with family and friends then what your partner is/isn’t up to doesn’t tend to take up too much headspace and that helps keep the marriage ticking over

Thank you HotSauceCommittee that is a very pertinent question! . I do have a work project and a volunteering project in mind as it happens that I very much want to pursue now that things are opening up again. And as a wise friend of mine once said "why do you need permission?" . Congratulations on your new career!

Changechangychange oh gosh yes, that's a good point about other family members. I got tetchy pre-pandemic when we had guests to stay for more than three days, even close family members! (I am definitely spikier and more introverted than DH who loves company!). So looking at it from that perspective, DH is the person I feel most comfortable living with.

I have to disagree about parenting. DH and I have very different parenting styles and we have clashed a lot over this. I always found parenting easier when I was alone tbh.

However, I am totally with you about not wanting another relationship if for some reason ours broke down, or God forbid, something happened to DH. I wouldn't consider every marrying again tbh.

Wombat64 DH and I feel comfortable together too..maybe we have got a bit too comfortable? . I agree it is very important though.

Dh has been wfh when usually he would be travelling and it's really been the worst of both worlds as he has been home and therefore theoretically "available" but in reality has been very preoccupied , which has been frustrating.

Married for over 40 years, grown-up family.

I feel alone, and I always have.

I think they've been very lucky from a health point of view. I lost my husband after 26 years of marriage and when I look at friends I think how lucky they are not to have suffered the loss of a partner.

Now married to husband number 2 and hoping for an equally long marriage!

[quote swimlyn]@Fishkettlesgalore

Sorry you feel insulted but there is no need to be.

Most posters on this thread have twigged that…

Brilliant! In the next seven words another insult. So I am just thick eh? (twigged?)

Being forever married (since our 20s) and coping with EVERYTHING that comes along including losing one baby, two later DC, multiple redundancies, ludicrous inflation, all the other trials of life, and you infer we simply ‘compromise’.

We’re still very happy and loving. Sorry about that. Currently dealing with our adult kids problems...

Incidentally, we brought up our DC to always try and see things from the other person’s point of view. Maybe you could try that?[/quote]
Swimlyn I am very sorry for everything you have been through. It must have been incredibly hard. Your marriage must indeed be very strong and in no way was I wishing to disparage that.

I would very respectfully suggest that you are perhaps looking at this thread very much from your own personal perspective. What would be the purpose of me writing an op asking about Mumsnetters' impressions of couples in long marriages if I didn't want to learn about other people's perspectives?

Not married but together 30 years.
We've had some humdingers of fights,nearly split a few times.
We have went through bereavement,money trouble.

But we fought to save our relationship
Many times we didn't like each other.
But we're a team.
And now we have new problems to overcome.
But I'm in for the long(er) haul and I hope he is.

Also Swimlyn why would I be sorry that you and your husband are still loving and happy? My mind simply doesn't work like that. I am happy for you and for anyone else who is enjoying a happy long, marriage, precisely because I am aware it is not an easy thing to achieve.

I seem to have upset several posters on this thread for doubting that some long-lived marriages may be less than happy. It was genuinely not my intention to insult anybody. Nor did I anticipate that anyone would take the question very personally and perhaps I should have done?

I stand by my op though as I think it is an interesting subject and worthy of discussion. Also, this thread is helping me to work through a few things in my own head, that I can't discuss in RL. Apologies though for any upset it may have caused.

@Fishkettlesgalore. I totally agree with you by the way but I guess what feels like compromise to one person doesn’t to another. I thought for many years I had lucked out- I am still married but definitely feel that my H has the best end of the arrangement - I actually have realised after many years I have lived someone else’s choice of way of life and have enabled that- which is my own fault for not being much more assertive many years ago

I am sorry for your loss Blue1000 ( a reminder that we shouldn't take anyone for granted) and congratulations on your second marriage. Wishing you every happiness .

I'm so sorry Ladysunshine . I don't want to intrude, and you obviously don't have to answer here, but is there anything you can do to change the situation you find yourself in?

That's good to hear Borderlinehappy.

I'm sorry you had to go through that tarasmalatarocks. I very much agree about the support of family and friends.

Lynsey91 yes we wanted to be married too. I also know many happy couples (one of my siblings for example) who have lived together as partners very happily for aeons!

I just feel a sense of camaraderie with another couple who have lasted the ups and downs of marriage. It seems we are becoming a rarer and rarer breed.

. I guess what feels like compromise to one person doesn’t to another

Yes taramasalatarocks I agree with this. Life is extremely complicated sometimes, as are all human relationships.

We've been together for 24 years (married for 18, three teen / pre-teen DC) and we're very happy. Over the pandemic we have been seeing more of each other (both wfh) and that has been a positive thing.

As others have said, it's about feeling that both of you are contributing to the partnership in different ways. I'm interested to see that a couple of people have mentioned being easy going. I'm very laid back so maybe that's our secret!

My parents have been married for 53 years and still very happy. Most of our friends are in long-term marriages too. I mainly assume they are happy, although I have my doubts about a couple of them!

34th anniversary this Sunday - we are still happy and marriage has not been hard work.

I would probably be annoyingly smug about this good fortune but it isn't the whole story. For us there were a few distractions along the way.

20 years ago he was victim of a hit and run, was left for dead at the roadside - suffered a severe head-injury which almost killed him - and then almost left him paralysed/unable to function.

The world outside stopped turning for us for a while. We both suffered- our whole lives changed - there was a very long struggle back to health- much reassessment of what was important. The very worst and best times ran together.

There is nothing like nearly losing someone to make you really appreciate even the very worst things about them :). Each day still has the value of something just saved.

I'd not recommend it as a strategy for happiness in marriage but it works - so you don't need to feel sorry for us OP despite the long time we've had together. :)

In answer to your question, I'd probably think that other people had weathered a few things too and that their lives/loves would have been changed accordingly, but would not expect them to be unhappy.

Many congratulations 1WayOrAnother2! I hope you have a lovely anniversary celebration

In answer to your question, I'd probably think that other people had weathered a few things too and that their lives/loves would have been changed accordingly, but would not expect them to be unhappy

Yes, were it not for our current doldrums, I think this is how I would feel too.

Stepladder equal contributions are very important I agree.