If you have been married for over twenty-five years...

[Fishkettlesgalore]

...what do you think when you meet couples who have been married for the same amount of time or longer?

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Am I being unnecessarily negative about this? I could be because my own marriage, whilst not awful, is far from great atm, but this could be pandemic-fatigue talking.

[quote Wordsmith]@Fishkettlesgalore - I think they probably deserve a bloody medal to be honest. I've been married over 30 years and it's really hard. My marriage is going through a rough patch too. Teenage/young adult offspring are stressful at times and my OH has always been Mr Angry. I often think that if we'd been able to afford to support 2 households I would have probably left him by now. I'm not particularly looking forward to growing old with him. On the other hand, I know several couples who've been married for 20+ years who are still really happy.[/quote]
This exactly describes my situation Wordsmith. Teen/young adult stresses in my house are mostly caused by Mr Angry. Looking forward to a blissful, single old age.

I didn't think you were trying to misread the relationships of people close to you on purpose.

Eh? Sorry, I am confused by this!

But I accept I have been projecting my experience on to couples I don't know.

I don't think much about random people I meet. I do know that in our circle of friends, most of the wives are not happy for one reason or another...

One has a husband who's controlling and can be verbally aggressive (no idea why she stays)
Another is in a sexless marriage (she wants it, he doesn't)
Another is married to an alcoholic and starting divorce proceedings
Another is married to a doormat who does whatever she wants but she finds that annoying

I've no idea what the husbands think!

Zing apologies! Please ignore my previous comment. I understand what you are saying now and think I need some sleep!

That is a lot of unhappy marriages there furiouslytyping. It would indeed be fascinating to know what the husband's think!

no worries at all!
no harm done at all. x

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Possibly the most insulting comment I’ve ever heard.

Other people somehow need to justify their marriage and their love, do they?

I don't give it any real thought if I am honest.

I've been married for 28 years, mostly happily. We've had our moments though like anyone else and at times we have also irritated the hell out of each other. We often look back on those occasions now and laugh about them.

We are not quite 20 years. We know ONE other couple that have stayed together that are our age. Older couples, mostly I think previous generations were more likely to put up and shut up. Mostly women. And honestly when I look at my kids I hope they don't put up with anything! Why should they?

Nearly 40 years here. So we were brought up at a time when emotions were suppressed, or at least not talked about, mental health problems weren't a thing and the husband brought home the bacon but did little else. We've muddled along and will stay together to the end but I do fantasise about living alone. He can be a bit passive aggressive rather than actually voice his true issues so I'm left angry but don't know what the problem is. And I hate all the cooking!

I'm not in a long marriage (mine lasted 6yrs!) but my knowledge of couples with long term marriages has been overwhelmingly negative.

Not just "they must have made compromises", more like "they clearly hate each other, why don't they split?!"

My longest relationship (7yrs) I spent every Wednesday evening on the phone to my mum bitching about what a twat he was. And my mum used to say "well that's what men are like love" 🙄

Nearly 20 years here. I've loved every minute of it. We don't really quarrel, we haven't "had our moments" (although we have been through the mill of life together) and we're very happy. So I always assume others are the same.

We all probably project our own feelings - it sounds like you are beginning to want some space OP?

I know quite a few couples who have been married for the same amount of time and longer. In every single one there is always one of them who is far more easy going than the other. I've come to the conclusion that is the secret to a successful marriage

I have been married over 25 years but to 3 different men!
If i was still married to the first it would be 33 years but my finances would have been better now.
Second marriage possibly wrecked by bringing up children but he was a controlling bastard who gambled everything we had.
Hopefully i will get to 25 plus years with current husband! We wish we had been together since childhood we would be better off moneywise if we had and one of the best things in my humble opinion for the long marriage folk is being grandparents together .
If you have done the slog and it hasn't been abusive well done because the rewards can be greater.
Step GC are loved as much as your own but there is always the real grandparent making sure you don't get overinvolved.
I would say i am more envious of people who have been married for years because they only have one family. our family circumstances are not straightforward!

@swimlyn

I used to be terribly admiring of them, but now I am beginning to think that one or both of them must have made quite significant compromises.

Possibly the most insulting comment I’ve ever heard.

Other people somehow need to justify their marriage and their love, do they?

Sorry you feel insulted but there is no need to be.

Most posters on this thread have twigged that someone wouldn't be raising this subject if they were coming from a place of unadulterated happiness!

And I have already acknowledged I am probably projecting.

And I asked in my op (a) if I was being unnecessarily negative and (b) whether my feelings were as a result of pandemic fatigue?

I have also agreed with others that compromise may not necessarily be a bad thing, which is a very good point.

So all of that would suggest I am not exactly 100% sure whether I am right to be feeling this way?

Finally, no one is anyone obliged to justify anything if they don't want to!

Thank you Zing

Lovely to read posts like those from Nannyamc , Cakeseeker and other long term happily married folk

Good luck to you Luddite!

Yes that sounds about right to me ufucoffee

I hear you Weebleweeble!

I don’t think much about it. Most of our friends are around 30 - 35 year mark now.

Most are looking forwards to different ways of living in retirement. Our children are beginning to marry, so lots of happiness as we all see our children move fully into the adult world and build their own lives. Our parents are ageing or aged and dying which brings another complexity.

I think this stage promises greater closeness, rekindling of couple hood over family hood and will be cheaper! I don't think most of us are just marking time in shared misery.

I don't consider how long people have been together as being a factor in how happy they are. I don't really think anything when I meet people. Don't make assumptions. But since you've asked...

When I was young, I think I assumed that people who had been together decades must be a perfectly matched, really happy couple.

As I've got older, I know that isn't always the case. I know people who've been together 60 years and are very happy, and people who have been together a little less and are really not happy, and haven't been for a long time.

When you've been together such a long time it is so much harder to break up - especially if you are from a generation which looked much harder upon divorce. So it naturally follows that being together a long time doesn't guarantee happiness.

Alternatively, people who are a bit older but have only been together a few years are more likely to be matched perhaps, as they chose each more recently, in their older age, when they knew who they were and what they wanted.

Well l would be celebrating 25 years with my STBXH on Tuesday if he hadn’t treated me to some historic confessions of incidents with other women last August.

A year ago you would have knocked me down with a feather if someone had told me we would have split up this time next year. I would have said things weren’t perfect but pretty solid....l always described our marriage as ‘loving and alive’. But l knew he could be selfish and a man child but l always thought he scored highly on the trust/honesty side of things.

Turns out he was lying to me for virtually as long as our relationship. To make matters worse he believes l have overreacted to his news and that he has been a loyal and loving husband over the years so l should keep ‘his little blips’ in some sort of perspective.

Don’t want to derail the topic but it has made me feel that what l thought l had didn’t actually exist. I am having counselling and it has made me confront the very uneasy fact that l put myself in a box which had a lid on it with the words ‘this is how l should behave in a marriage ‘ written on it.

I squashed myself down to fit in the box and rubbed out the bits of myself that didn’t fit into the narrative of our marriage. Which actually was his narrative not mine.

I do wonder how many other people have been in a relationship for so long that they cannot see it for what it really is. I told myself a story to feel ok in the marriage.

If he hadn’t confessed we would still be together. It’s the weirdest feeling....a real sliding doors moment but one where he has been the puppeteer pulling the strings.

I have been married for 27years, been together for 32years. We met young. I can’t believe it really, the years have gone so fast. Not something I think about. During the course of our marriage, we have overcome many hurdles, bereavements, 2 children, house moves, a serious disability medical condition. We still laugh together and get on really well. We are total opposites, but understand each other’s needs.

@Whatdirection so sorry, what a shock for you.

34 years and lost myself in the process. Hard to get out after all that time.

Compromise is essential for any type of relationship. We would all be very lonely people without it. Some relationships are worth the compromise others aren’t the secret to success is learning when to compromise.
Dh and I have been together for 30yrs but marriage was never an end goal it was just another step along the way. We had a lovely wedding but as neither of us like being centre stage it was low key and we ditched a lot of tradition. It felt good to get it over with and move on.
We have had some difficult times but have supported each other. I’m always glass half full and he is definitely glass half empty but this just balances everything. He is a risk taker I’m always the one who hyper analyses.
As for other couples we know, well they are all the same, it has been the perfect ones who never argue and seem to live the ideal life that have fallen by the way. Often compromise has been all one way something not seen until the marriage is over.

A long marriage isn't necessarily a happy marriage (or unhappy.) Milestone (and other) wedding anniversaries can be celebrated. Unfortunately, they can also be the catalyst for saying, 'what's to celebrate ?'

No one says to the grieving widow/widower, 'were you close to your husband/wife ?' (That's a reference to appropriate emotional warmth between them.)

My husband and I are 27 years in. The honeymoon never ended !

I used to have a friend. Her husband was very nice but quietly controlling, IMO. I had him down as the dripping tap rather than overtly assertive. She had her, 'little ways' too. I believe they are still together after several decades.

Her and I went our separate ways some years ago. It's for the best that it stays that way.

We've been married 40 years. There have been rough times along the way and there have been times when 1 of us have compromised. But both of us have made the compromises and you can't expect to always get your own way in any relationship you want to last. To me the important thing is to have similar values.

Been together 34 years - started early!

We’ve prioritised our relationship quite consciously, especially through the more challenging times, which I think did help. And we talk a lot. He’s still my favourite person.