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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH has gotten fat

179 replies

fancyaflatwhite · 21/07/2021 21:09

I feel terrible but it's now really making it hard for me to be attracted to him and have the respect I want to have for him.

I've tried gently encouraging exercise and suggesting walks together for many, many years now. But he doesn't stick with it and is a comfort eater. This isn't just about remaining attracted to each other, it's about health too. His father died young from a heart attack

What would you do?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 23/07/2021 15:39

@TheFoundations

Comfort eating is due to external circumstances plus the trick that the big food companies have learned. They make the carb:fat calorie ratio in foods 2:1. Check the labels of foods that are usually comfort eaten, It'll be an approximation of Calories from carbs 2, calories from fat 1.

The reason it's addictive is because it's the same ratio as breast milk. It's not a combination found anywhere else in nature, but it's in chocolate, crisps, ice cream, pizza, all the biggies. A high proportion of us are now adult 'bouncing babies' because of this. The mechanism is a bit like when a child sucks their thumb, mimicking suckling. You can encourage them to take their thumb out of their mouth, but the second they take their mind off it, it goes straight back in again.

Nobody comfort eats broccoli. Or indeed sugar on its own, or fat on its own. The combination has to be just right.

Great response.

It's literally insane to try to tackle weight issues/food addictions/'comfort' eating/binging etc. while ignoring the food itself and likely composition of it and how the body craves it and is addicted to the reward it gets from eating it.

The drug of choice always has to be considered.

joystir59 · 23/07/2021 15:39

I really don't think the 28% of adults who are obese or the 36% who are overweight in the UK all have eating disorders. I think it's become very normal to chronically over eat.

joystir59 · 23/07/2021 15:43

The number of very fat families waddling around really appalls me- parents raising fat children are basically abusing them. It's so cruel for a child to not know what it means to be a normal weight with freely moving limbs and the lightness of movement that slim children experience. I couldn't care less about fat shaming, obesity is dreadful.

user1481840227 · 23/07/2021 15:45

@joystir59

I really don't think the 28% of adults who are obese or the 36% who are overweight in the UK all have eating disorders. I think it's become very normal to chronically over eat.
I think many do have eating disorders now, but it wasn't an eating disorder that caused the issues in the first place.

As you said, it's overeating! Bad habits that weren't tackled early on. The addiction to certain types of food...then the stress, self confidence issues that come with that, along with feeling drained and low energy and don't really want to do much exercise because of that and so on..

At that point when it impacts their life, health, self confidence etc. and they still keep overdoing it on the substance that causes all those other issues, I would say that it's then an eating disorder!

KirstenBlest · 23/07/2021 15:54

A lot of it is down to portion control and food choices.

I saw 2 kids of primary school age and a woman, presumably their DM walking round a supermarket the other day. It was one of those small local supermarkets.

The two children were both noticeably overweight, and both were eating from a packet of P*gles, the half-size tube, as they went round.
I was horrified.

KirstenBlest · 23/07/2021 15:55

They had a pack each and it wasn't the little pack.

Deux · 23/07/2021 16:51

There’s a name in food manufacturing for the combination/proportion of sugar, fat and salt that makes it difficult for people to stop eating. It’s called the bliss point. Scandalous really. Food manufacturers actively seek this and test it out on consumers before they launch new products.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.thecapsule.co.uk/new-blog-2/2020/10/5/beware-the-bliss-point-foods-that-are-making-you-overeat-%3fformat=amp

Polkadots2021 · 23/07/2021 16:54

@fancyaflatwhite

I feel terrible but it's now really making it hard for me to be attracted to him and have the respect I want to have for him.

I've tried gently encouraging exercise and suggesting walks together for many, many years now. But he doesn't stick with it and is a comfort eater. This isn't just about remaining attracted to each other, it's about health too. His father died young from a heart attack

What would you do?

Honestly I don't care so much about looks but health-wise it's critical he gets in shape for a whole load of reasons including less vulnerability to Covid complications, less vulnerability to heart disease and so many other potentially extremely serious conditions farther down the line.
Polkadots2021 · 23/07/2021 16:55

I'd give him a really serious talk that you are scared that he will die young then book you both in for a full check up and I think the doc might deliver se home truths to him then.

MaMelon · 23/07/2021 19:14

Been there, done that - absolute waste of time. Until someone decides they want to give up the excess calories you might as well save your breath.

Mycatispretty · 23/07/2021 19:17

@MaMelon absolutely correct! I wasted my breath trying to support someone for over a year. Losing weight is not something you can do for another person

Weebleweeble · 24/07/2021 06:52

Do doctors do check ups on request?
not sure mine would very happily.

TVR7 · 24/07/2021 08:21

I can see where you are coming from. I don’t find overweight people physically attractive either.

CarnationCat · 24/07/2021 08:28

This sounds difficult. He is still the man you love but you're losing attraction to him.

Do you have lots of healthy foods in the house? Things like fruit and vegetable sticks to snack on?

I think all you can do is model a healthy lifestyle yourself. Tell him his lifestyle, the overindulgence and no exercise, is worrying you.

You can't make him make the change. Only he can do that.

Mycatispretty · 24/07/2021 09:12

You can buy as many healthy things as you like but that didn’t stop the man I was seeing from going out in his van during a work break and picking up two meat and potato pies for his lunch. Also numerous bags of crisps and chocolate bar wrappers were in the footwell of his vehicle

MaMelon · 24/07/2021 09:34

Absolutely agree Mycatispretty

toppocket · 24/07/2021 09:44

My husband and I both put on weight this last year or so. Lockdowns, stress and unable to do our normal exercise. I didn't comment on his weight or he mine. I started to diet and lost a stone and he had to have a minor medical procedure and was asked to estimate his weight in the pre op call. I told him I thought his guess was off and suggested he got weighed. He was horrified when he got on the scale and immediately joined me on my health kick. He's really embraced it and being male has now lost more weight then me and really upped his activity levels.

I'm pleased and relieved, mostly relieved, that he's making an investment in himself and his future health (he's a bit older then me). We had a night off healthy eating as we were having dinner at a friends and he said to me "don't worry we will get back on track together".

Floogal · 24/07/2021 11:34

Be careful what you wish for. Don't get the hump if he's spending ages at the gym. That's what it will take, because going for walks doesn't make any difference.

Sakurami · 24/07/2021 11:51

I think the poor food choices and culture in the UK is completely responsible for the obesity problem.

I've lived abroad and when abroad never have a problem staying slim despite eating what I want. Because fresh and healthy and varied food is the norm and empty calorie snacks the exception. And when you're eating tasty and nutritious food there is no need for the rest.

I only have to lose 1 stone (to be at a weight I'm happy with) and I know that I can do it in 6 weeks and even though I lose it once a year or so, I always put it back. I know what to do and what not to do in order to lose it. I feel better without that stone but it is still hard.

Doing something fun and energetic together regularly and filling up on tasty nutritious food may help?

RaraRachael · 24/07/2021 11:55

My husband was 11 stone when we got married than ended up at 19 stone. I tried to help him lose weight but he wasn't interested and insisted he was happy like that. I didn't find him attractive and wouldn't have considered dating him if he'd been 19 stone when we met.

SarahDarah · 24/07/2021 12:06

@Growtheroses

Most people gain weight because they eat too much

Of course! No one is disputing that.

The question is why are people eating too much?

Various (scientifically proven) answers include:

  • stress
  • shift work/lack of sleep
  • lack of time
  • societal changes eg both parents woh, food marketing, availability of junk food, lack of green spaces,
  • behavioural changes eg eating in front of screens, increase in number of occasions when we eat celebratory food, snacking, driving instead of walking or cycling

So yes, people on here can frame them as "excuses" if you like but other concrete factors are at play too.

@Growtheroses So people with healthy weights don't experience the factors above? Confused

For goodness sake, at some point grown adults actually need to take responsibility for their own greed and laziness that's driving their lack of self control.

From the beginning of time, nearly all of us globally are affected by a factor/combination of the factors you listed above. If we all used it as an excuse to justify greediness, ALL humans with the means to be, would be overweight/obese. Hmm

It's so tiring to hear people in this category (apart from those with genuine medical issues of course) continually blame everyone and everything apart from themselves who are choosing to greedily indulge in the wrong food again, again and again.

spinningspaniels · 24/07/2021 12:18

DH has put about 2 stone on in the last couple of years, and it's all on his abdomen. He's recently been diagnosed with quite a serious cardiac condition, and was advised that his BMI needs to come down. I hoped it would shock him into action, but he's completely addicted to junk food. I was cleaning the kitchen the other day, and there were dozens of empty crisp packets/chocolate wrappers on top of one of the cupboards that he's bought and eaten.

I could cry. I don't give a shit what he looks like, I just have an expectation that he'll look after himself so we will enjoy a retirement together Sad

Growtheroses · 24/07/2021 12:47

So people with healthy weights don't experience the factors above?

For goodness sake, at some point grown adults actually need to take responsibility for their own greed and laziness that's driving their lack of self control.

From the beginning of time, nearly all of us globally are affected by a factor/combination of the factors you listed above. If we all used it as an excuse to justify greediness, ALL humans with the means to be, would be overweight/obese.

It's so tiring to hear people in this category (apart from those with genuine medical issues of course) continually blame everyone and everything apart from themselves who are choosing to greedily indulge in the wrong food again, again and again.

@SarahDarah I am a bit pushed for time today (you may be surprised to know I am currently preoccupied with doing something healthy and energetic) but my reply in summary is:

Entire countries do not get fat through lack of personal responsibility
alone.

TheFoundations · 24/07/2021 14:06

Different bodies, in the same way as you may have a bigger or smaller nose, deal with calorie excess and loss in different ways. Some bodies will deal with a deficit by going straight to 'BURN THE FAT!!', and others will deal with the same deficit by cutting other functions to run at less than optimal. Obviously, at some point, all bodies will lose fat at a sustained (but ultimately unsustainable) level of high deficit, but many people cut calories by a couple of hundred a day, as per many dieting recommendations, and don't lose weight at all. They do feel crap though (anxiety/poor skin condition/sleeplessness/mood swings etc), an that's because their body is dealing with the calorie deficit by being a bit lax on homeostasis.

This is never explained by WW and the like. They just make the assumption that all bodies are the same, and cutting your calories will lose your fat. It works - for some. The fact is, our bodies don't want to lose fat. Fat is the body's savings account, to fall back on in hard times. People who keep their fat despite multiple dieting attempts would last longest in a famine. In terms of evolution, it's way better to have lank hair, spots, and be a bit short of sleep than it is to be short on fat.

This is why some people remain overweight despite trying very very hard to lose fat. I'm sure some are lazy, and some are continually eating too much, but that's not the whole story. I wish that this process was explained more commonly, because I've got a few friends who have become very frustrated over the years with desperately dieting and feeling worse and worse, with no weight loss. The feeling of being defeated adds to the feeling of low energy, and really, at that point, I can understand why the only thing that would make you feel better would be to say 'Fuck it!' and have 3 portions of cake.

The way around it is to know how to encourage your body to burn as much fat as it is able. It still will be slower for some than others, but everybody sees progress at their own rate.

Veronika13 · 24/07/2021 14:38

@Swallowridge

Forget about walks. Walking is not going to do anything - to put into context I cycled 100 miles in the last few weeks which my fitbit tells me is 7000 calories down - that is enough to lose 2lbs.

It is all about the food - he is eating and drinking too much or the wrong things or both. Maybe he just doesnt know how to change. I would talk to him about it and how you can support him if this is what he wants.

100%

I used to run 7km every morning at 5am yet still couldn't shift weight. It was only after I put myself in decent calorie deficit that I managed to get to size 6/8.

Exercising is the easy, (eventually) enjoyable part. The consistent strict healthy eating is the hard bit.

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