Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has gotten fat

179 replies

fancyaflatwhite · 21/07/2021 21:09

I feel terrible but it's now really making it hard for me to be attracted to him and have the respect I want to have for him.

I've tried gently encouraging exercise and suggesting walks together for many, many years now. But he doesn't stick with it and is a comfort eater. This isn't just about remaining attracted to each other, it's about health too. His father died young from a heart attack

What would you do?

OP posts:
joystir59 · 22/07/2021 06:55

When we both got really fat my wife put a rocket up our arses by saying she'd had enough. It worked because it was both of us, although I was by far the fastest. We just immediately stopped over eating and eating crap and the weight melted from us. We were both already very active which helped.

Cattitudes · 22/07/2021 06:57

For me it was concern about his and my health. Doing something proactive to reduce covid risk. Getting more accurate scales and ones which track body composition helped too. Until that point it was easy for both of us to dismiss it as a few extra pounds because we could think of people carrying more. Seeing we were nearly obese was motivating. Seeing the numbers track downward helped. I have tried to encourage him to find his own solutions as we only share one fairly healthy meal a day. It is all the snacking and comfort eating that makes a difference so he needed to be on board to make those changes himself.

joystir59 · 22/07/2021 07:01

@PiccalilliChilli
You don't have to wait a day longer to change how you eat and start feeling better. You can do it! I have been a disordered eater since I was responsible for feeding myself, but for two years now have maintained a healthy weight by portion control and treats only one day a week. Hoping and wishing you can start to do the same.

joystir59 · 22/07/2021 07:06

I think being really direct and hard-line is a good idea. I don't think pussyfooting around obese partners is kind or helpful. I also think if a partner is seriously obese and food addicted and refuses to address their issues this is grounds for leaving them. That's not fat shaming, that's being realistic about the impact on the quality of life one can have as the partner of a food addicted seriously obese person. I speak as someone who is a food addict in recovery.

FGTR3 · 22/07/2021 07:11

I have the same issue with my wife. Size 10 when we got together. Now size 22 and I just don’t fancy her anymore and when I look at her I just see lazy. I’ve tried to cajole and lead by example but it’s a lost cause. Diabetes runs in her family too and still she can’t see the dangers. I am having an endless battle to try to keep out kids in shape as her bad habits are starting to run off on them!

newbie202020 · 22/07/2021 07:11

My DH was like this but has gradually lost 2 stone over the last 18 months.

He started walking every day and challenged himself to increase his monthly average daily step count (he's gone from 4k daily average to 12k). He now loves his daily hour/90 mins or so walk listening to a funny/ gaming podcast and really misses it on the odd day he can't reach his target. I never thought I would say this about my DH!

Can you try and suggest something like this? Frame it as something competitive & an opportunity for time on his own every day? Hopefully he'll swap his compulsive gaming for competing against himself instead?

Weebleweeble · 22/07/2021 07:17

When we both got really fat my wife put a rocket up our arses by saying she'd had enough. It worked because it was both of us, although I was by far the fastest. We just immediately stopped over eating and eating crap and the weight melted from us.

Yes, I'm sure it's easier when both are eating the same things.
We need to do this but DH (the fatter one) isn't interested.
But if I start being more careful with what I eat he will probably get on board.

milcal · 22/07/2021 07:22

My partner is the same. He was a big guy when I met him and I really didn't mind but over the few years we have been together the weight had piled on. It's not at the point he can't come out for a walk with me, limits where we go for nights out and most importantly I'm frightened that he will die.

When I cook it's generally low calorie foods and I buy low calorie snacks but he will over eat these and not move from the sofa. He orders takeaway and doesn't think to order the healthier options.

Ive tried encouraging him to go for short walks and build it up to longer ones but he won't.

I feel helpless. He won't go to the doctor.

OP I understand. 😞

milcal · 22/07/2021 07:26

Oh forgot to add. My partner does want to lose weight but loses interest in a diet after a couple of days.

SuperSange · 22/07/2021 07:30

@Cloudninenine

Why does him being fat mean you don’t respect him? I would work on confronting that particular prejudice in yourself.
This. If you have a problem with showing overweight people respect, then that's awful.
thedancingbear · 22/07/2021 07:34

It depends what you mean by 'fat', OP. That could encompass a range of possibilities from 'he's lost his six pack' (not a problem, incredibly shallow to complain) to 'he's 5'8'' and 20 stone (in which case he's headed for immobility and an early grave, and you're right to be concerned).

However I do struggle with the idea that it's okay to lose 'respect' for someone over a health problem which the majority of British people suffer from to some degree.

HamsterHelp · 22/07/2021 07:48

I am heavy just now. Size 14 but at 5’3 it’s too much weight for my frame. It’s making me absolutely miserable.

I have always battled with my weight (c section belly, which is exactly where I carry my weight) and before Covid I really had it under control. Then the first lockdown hit. WFH. Kids at home. Job was absolutely out of control stressful and it all just went to seed. To be honest mentally I have never recovered from the first lockdown.

Butttt I start a new job in a few weeks which should give me a bit more time. I shouldn’t have to work so much in the evenings etc. I’m really going to try and get a grip on it.

nancywhitehead · 22/07/2021 07:49

You can't make him lose the weight if he doesn't want to. It has to come from him.

One thing that can be good in couples though is that you could decide to go on a health kick and clean up your own diet/ lifestyle. Sometimes when one person does this, the other becomes interested and follows suit. But even then, don't be shocked if he doesn't.

I'm sure he knows everything that you know about his weight situation, so I really think beyond a gentle conversation you can't (and shouldn't) do a lot. It has to be him.

HamsterHelp · 22/07/2021 07:50

I am a firm believer in that you have to be in the mindset to want do it though. If you’re not mentally in that place it ain’t happening.

Shellady · 22/07/2021 08:33

@thedancingbear

It depends what you mean by 'fat', OP. That could encompass a range of possibilities from 'he's lost his six pack' (not a problem, incredibly shallow to complain) to 'he's 5'8'' and 20 stone (in which case he's headed for immobility and an early grave, and you're right to be concerned).

However I do struggle with the idea that it's okay to lose 'respect' for someone over a health problem which the majority of British people suffer from to some degree.

Yes this is true How much weight has he gained OP And by do you feel a persons weight corresponds fo the respect you have for them ?

These are two questions that would probably help people in responding and also for yourself to consider

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 08:37

I can understand the respect thing. I think it's reasonable to say that you respect someone for knowing how to take care of themselves. Weight gain can be a sign that they've taken their eye off that particular ball, so if you previously had respected them for that, then you won't be able to respect them as much if they are clearly not taking care of themselves any more. It's not about the weight gain per say. It's not 'I don't respect overweight people'. It's about the change in self care. In the same way that you might respect someone for being clean living, and then respect them a bit less if they started drinking every day to the extent that it was altering their appearance. The appearance is a symptom, not the cause.

Deathsquito · 22/07/2021 08:41

There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to ‘encourage’ him to lose weight. It may temporarily help for a few weeks, it may just make it worse straight away.

All you can do is be honest about your feelings. Decide what the deal breaker is for you, and leave the relationship if it is his weight/attractiveness.

But accept that you personally can do nothing to change his weight. And that your well meaning support will only cause resentment from you down the line when it doesn’t work.

100% of people following a diet will lose weight.

Around 5% may manage to lose weight and keep it off for five years.

The other 95% will put it all back on again (and then some extra for good measure) every time they diet.

He is extremely unlikely to lose this weight, you need to make a decision based on that.

Swallowridge · 22/07/2021 08:44

Forget about walks. Walking is not going to do anything - to put into context I cycled 100 miles in the last few weeks which my fitbit tells me is 7000 calories down - that is enough to lose 2lbs.

It is all about the food - he is eating and drinking too much or the wrong things or both. Maybe he just doesnt know how to change. I would talk to him about it and how you can support him if this is what he wants.

idril · 22/07/2021 08:47

My husband put on 2st a couole of years ago. He knew he had put on weight but I think he was kidding himself about how much and burying his head in the sand.

In the end I did tell him i didn't find it attractive when he was in the middle of complaining that he didn't have any nice clothes (he did but they didn't fit).

It was kick start he needed and he lost the weight. But everyone is different and people react differently to being told they need to lose weight. You know your husband best. I would prefer my husband to tell me (in a nice way) that I needed to lose weight but that is me.

ScatteredMama82 · 22/07/2021 08:51

OP I would feel like you. My DH is, and always has been, fit and healthy. It's one of the things I love about him, his energy. We do loads of outdoors things with the kids, run around on the beach, go for bike rides, hikes. If he became very overweight, quite apart from his appearance changing, it would be a change in his attitude to life. I wouldn't find him attractive any more (I am also slim, and I know he'd feel the same if it was the other way round).

Obesity is a crisis in this country. It creates huge pressure on the NHS and there is a really irritating attitude that noone is allowed to say anything about it! There are many reasons why someone may be overweight, but there are things they can do about it too.

If your DH is making themselves ill with alcohol, and they refuse to get help/change their ways then your told to LTB. Same with drugs.

If it's food, you're just meant to put up and shut up. I don't get it.

idril · 22/07/2021 08:56

Oh and he has kept the weight off. But he was temporarily fat and he is got back to his normal weight. He does put on a few pounds every now and then but he nips it in the bud and loses it before the pounds become stone.

As for encouraging people to lose weight, it's not true for everyone that you can't. If my husband was single, I think he'd be obese. He needs me to keep him on the straight and narrow as he'd be the first to admit that his willpower is shocking.

So I do stop him from eating too much or stuffing his face with a family size bag of crisps. He is happy for me to do this - I am basically his willpower a lot of the time and we laugh about it. We are very happy together by the way - been together over half our lives before anyone accuses me of icontrolling him. We know what works in our relationship.

Shadowboy · 22/07/2021 08:56

I get it where people say they loose respect- it’s not that fat equates to lack of respect; more that lazy does. I find people who are lazy ( be they fat or not) irk me and I struggle to respect them. So maybe the OP is relating to this?

Bookaholic73 · 22/07/2021 09:00

Obesity is a crisis in this country. It creates huge pressure on the NHS and there is a really irritating attitude that noone is allowed to say anything about it!

This is so true. If it was drink, drugs, smoking, anything other than food, something would be said.

Deux · 22/07/2021 09:01

If someone’s appearance changes drastically then it’s not surprising at all that their partner may not find them so attractive and may even feel repelled.

My DH had gained almost 3 stone, all on his belly and round his back and I find it absolutely disgusting. He started to see a counsellor/coach a month ago which has helped him and so far he’s lost almost a stone. It’s taken him years to get to that point and there was nothing I could say or do that made any difference until he was motivated enough to do something about it himself.

BillMasen · 22/07/2021 09:07

@FGTR3

I have the same issue with my wife. Size 10 when we got together. Now size 22 and I just don’t fancy her anymore and when I look at her I just see lazy. I’ve tried to cajole and lead by example but it’s a lost cause. Diabetes runs in her family too and still she can’t see the dangers. I am having an endless battle to try to keep out kids in shape as her bad habits are starting to run off on them!
Brave post