DH has gotten fat

[fancyaflatwhite]

I feel terrible but it's now really making it hard for me to be attracted to him and have the respect I want to have for him.

I've tried gently encouraging exercise and suggesting walks together for many, many years now. But he doesn't stick with it and is a comfort eater. This isn't just about remaining attracted to each other, it's about health too. His father died young from a heart attack

What would you do?

@TheFoundations

I can understand the respect thing. I think it's reasonable to say that you respect someone for knowing how to take care of themselves. Weight gain can be a sign that they've taken their eye off that particular ball, so if you previously had respected them for that, then you won't be able to respect them as much if they are clearly not taking care of themselves any more. It's not about the weight gain per say. It's not 'I don't respect overweight people'. It's about the change in self care. In the same way that you might respect someone for being clean living, and then respect them a bit less if they started drinking every day to the extent that it was altering their appearance. The appearance is a symptom, not the cause.

Again , I think it depends about how much weight and the reasons for the weight gain For example I have two particular friends who over the past year and a half have gained weight , I know both of them are suffering depression and I certainly havnt lost any respect for them Their lack of self care is a symptom for sure qbd outwardly they look different but I can’t just equate a lack of self care with dropping the ball . I think most people run much deeper than that. Judging the people we love on their appearance can be misleading as people are not always forthcoming with what’s going on inside.

@Shadowboy

I get it where people say they loose respect- it’s not that fat equates to lack of respect; more that lazy does. I find people who are lazy ( be they fat or not) irk me and I struggle to respect them. So maybe the OP is relating to this?

Perhaps , it will be insightful to hear the OPs reasons and the amount of weight we are referring to At the end of the day I definately agree that no one can be pressured into losing weight and it will have to be his choice For the record the laziest person I know is very slim

@Hanger0n

I noticed there were no replies. Now you see if you were a man saying your wife and gotten fat this thread would be full of people saying LTB!

No that's wrong. I've seen threads with a man complaining his wife had put on weight and there was (rightly so) a massive pile on.

There seems to be a lot of equating being fat with being lazy on this thread.

When I was young and had few responsibilities I was the thinnest I have ever been. Funnily enough, now I am older, a parent of teens, I am probably the busiest I gave ever been, and I am also the heaviest.

The bloke who is most productive in our office is morbidly obese. And I know several farmers who are overweight who do hard, physical jobs, who during the summer regularly work twelve and fourteen hour days.

Weight is too complicated by an issue to say fat = lazy. In fact, many people are overweight because they are too busy working to prioritise themselves.
Being stressed and tired also has a huge impact on people's eating patterns.

you are allowed to not be as attracted to your husband if he has piled on weight.

I also get the respect thing - almost like he doesnt respect his body and health so it's hard for you to do. my step dad is considerably overweight and it causes my mum a lot of stress as he has developed health problems over the years like diabetes. they have my two younger sisters too who are 8 and 10. he struggles to do stuff with them now.

I dont understand why people think there should be a pile on for saying you feel less attracted to someone for this and that you are worried about their health?

*There seems to be a lot of equating being fat with being lazy on this thread.

When I was young and had few responsibilities I was the thinnest I have ever been. Funnily enough, now I am older, a parent of teens, I am probably the busiest I gave ever been, and I am also the heaviest*

This! I’m not lazy. I don’t have time to go to the gym or for a ten mile walk every single day.

There is a girl on my Facebook who posts incessantly about her weight loss journey. She’s done incredibly well.

She has kids the same age as mine and she walked literally miles and miles every single evening through lockdowns. I thought, how is she managing that with two small kids though?? Transpires she was furloughed and her mum moved in with her and her husband. Well yeah - I mean we could all lose weight if we had that sort of time.

I don't think fat equates to unattractive for me.
If someone was overweight but active and 'healthy' it wouldn't bother me.
But if my DH was overweight and inactive, eating junk food etc it would be a complete turn off.
Can you speak to him about his health?

Interesting posts on the respect angle. OP hasn’t implied she doesn’t respect overweight people, she’s talking about one person specifically and she’s allowed to be honest. Trying to shame her by suggesting this is a her problem is really unhelpful.

For me, our sex life is really important and I’d be upset and feel disrespected if DH put on enough weight to impact on that and didn’t care if I told him it upset me. Being able to be active and run around with our DCs is important to me and we owe it to them to look after ourselves so they can have full lives with active parents. If he put on too much weight to play an equal part in that I’d be worried and unhappy. We eat well and cook a lot, if his eating habits suddenly changed and he followed up a decent healthy homemade meal with a takeaway or bags of crisis or chocolate bars I’d find that difficult. Our DC learn eating habits from us and it’s important to model healthy choices and balance.

If DH didn’t put on weight but made other major changes to his lifestyle that meant he was less healthy I’d also be worried.

And of course we all change as we age, I’ve had pregnancies, still breastfeeding, I’ve got a huge CS scar. He’s been ill and had surgery, got scars. Our bodies don’t look the same as when we met but we look after ourselves for ourselves and each other. Our temperaments ate the same.

I have always worked hard to stay fit and healthy, my DH is a tall man and had a small gut when we got together. His eating habits started to disgust me and he is aware of that. I grew up poor and we had no 'snacks', you had meals and that was it. We never ate to be stuffed. He on the other hand had a mother who fed them till stuffed, he was used to eating all the time, he was not used to feeling hunger. He could manage that when he was younger and doing sport, but eating continued but sport didnt. He gained more and more weight, I would see him sitting having breakfast and happily munching on half a loaf with lashings of butter. I was worried my DC would start the same, he cant wait for meals and would be in the fridge looking for food when I was close to serving. On top of that he smoked so he ate and smoked and I was worried about his health and got quite angry about it. Sadly he ended up getting diagnosed with a double cancer diagnosis in his 40s, he doesnt eat or smoke now and his life expectancy is shorter as he has a terminal diagnosis. There is nothing wrong with someone not fancying their partner anymore when they have piled on lots of weight, it is hard not to lose respect for someone who doesnt care enough to look after themselves. Or the impact their choices could have on those around them.

This is him. Either accept it or move on.

@mynameisbrian

Your feelings are normal and justified. You can do only 2 things: lead by example (eat less and healthy at home at all occasions, limited alcohol etc, gym together) and have an honest conversation with him about his weight concentrating on health worries rather than attraction.

@Porcupineintherough

This is him. Either accept it or move on.

That's very black and white. If he'd said he was happy this way and didn't want to change, it would be appropriate, but it may well be that he's struggling and would appreciate OP's support, or that she's not communicated with him clearly and he doesn't understand her feelings or... so many other possible nuances.

My DH has piled on the pounds but this isn't down to laziness or an unhealthy lifestyle it's due to the fact he had surgery on his back so can no longer run. If anything he doesn't eat enough because he's so self conscious of his weight. I too have developed a nice rounded tummy, am active and eat as healthy as I can but age = change. How does he feel about himself ?

@Growtheroses

Speaking as someone who is overweight myself, I would say there is absolutely nothing you can do except remain supportive. He knows that he is overweight. He knows he should do something about it. But he also needs to be in the right place mentally to start. Being blunt, it will not be helpful if he is aware his wife no longer respects him or finds him attractive.

Knowing how she feels though may give him the impetus to actually do something about it. Unless caused by a medical condition, being overweight/obese is due to laziness.

Weight is almost nothing to do with exercise and almost everything to do with eating.

OP, you need to discuss health generally. Being fat is very bad for his health and you can legitimately say that you are worried and he needs to do something g about it for your sake as well as his.

PersonaNonGarter absolutely correct, if you over eat, exercise will make no difference to your weight. I put on a little over lockdown and have been working out every day whilst ensuring I am calorie deficient. Only way to lose weight, exercise is simply to improve my tone not for weight loss

@Cloudninenine

Why does him being fat mean you don’t respect him? I would work on confronting that particular prejudice in yourself.

It's the lack of self respect that's unattractive more than anything I made my ex take out a lot of life insurance in the end when the kids were small because I was so worried he would drop down dead, forgetting to take important medicine as well as over eating and no exercise, it was disrespectful to me that he didn't care enough to be healthy for us all

Oh OP my husband is the same and I hate it.

He is so good looking and it's all lost in fat around his face - he's rubbish at shaving now and got a huge bushy beard which is not nice and his stomach is MASSIVE - like a great big beach ball - he's got piles of fat around his back too.

He's got problems with a herniated disc and this is exacerbated by the weight at the front.

About 2 years ago he used a tracker app to monitor his food intake and lost about 1.4 stone - he was starting to look really good again and I didn't hear him complaining about his back - but now right back up to where he was 2 years ago - huge.

I feel a lack of respect for him just like you do for your husband - they know what's causing this and just can't stop putting things in their mouth - that's where the lack of self respect is.

It's causing problems in our sex life too - I have to hold his stomach out of the way when we have sex and he had some erectile dysfunction last week - he said it was due to the painkillers he had taken for his back - but it's all related.

I've got no answers for you - I agree with other posters who say he's got to want it - mine doesn't. He just doesn't find anything more important than what he's eating and drinking at the moment.

I try to encourage too but it doesn't work - he's lazy with general maintenance round the house and garden - never hoovers or washes floors or bathrooms and doesn't do any of the regular gardening such as moving the lawn or cutting the hedge.

He does all the shopping and cooking and doesn't buy "junk" as such but likes real calorific things like potato dauphenouis and duck breast and venison stake and he adds oil to EVERYTHING - sour cream to fajitas and cheese on lots of things - just overeating generally and then larger / wine /vodka to add to the mix.

He's about 4 stone heavier than when we met and just looks totally different - I'm really sad about it too :(

My ex was obese to start with and had weight-related health problems, and a year out of work meant he'd piles on about 3 st. He looked like a sumo wrestler.

Any attempts to encourage him to lose weight and I'd get thrown at me that I was the one with the problem.

I find the very idea that you cannot 'respect him' because he doesn't 'look like he used to' totally abhorrent. .

No-one stays 'looking the same', it's impossible.

I understand that you cannot help how you feel, but I think that it's totally his choice what he does/doesn't do and what he eats/doesn't eat. .

I honestly think that to only be able to 'respect' and 'fancy' someone based on what they look like is shallow. Very shallow.

It's the kind of thinking usually reserved for muppet men having a 'mid life crisis' telling their wife of 30yrs that he 'doesn't find her attractive any more' because she's 'let herself go' , as his excuse for shagging his 24yr old secretary ffs

It's shallow and vain for them, and it's shallow and vain for you.........

“Cloudninenine

Why does him being fat mean you don’t respect him? I would work on confronting that particular prejudice in yourself.“

His being fat when presumably he wasn’t before might mean he seems more out of control, bingy or addicted, and as though he has given up his energy in some way and doesn’t care. It is more difficult to feel respect if you are getting that impression from your partner.

OP, if he is eating sugar and fat in high quantities because he is stressed and depressed, or not sleeping g enough, it might help to try to resolve that first. It is easier to respect someone when you understand too, so maybe try to talk to each other more.

If his appearance changed for other reasons you may also find him less physically attractive - or you may just accept it? Obesity can be very complex and judging or assuming someone can easily fix it is an assumption too far.

For you: Think is your connection superficial in this way? Hopefully not, so try to use the deeper connection you have, focus on that and use your imagination to fill in the gaps.

For him: if you are concerned for his health it’s perfectly legitimate to mention that and offer support and encouragement with however he wants to address it

If someone's appearance changes drastically then it's not surprising at all that their partner may not find them so attractive and may even feel repelled

Oh honey, you are going to be so upset when you discover the effects of aging.

There are some very high minded people on this thread who seem to have risen above actually being a human.

Physical attraction is a thing, regardless of whether you believe in it or not. It's perfectly ok to prefer any body type, and not prefer another. That's how we are. We have preferences. If OP prefers her husband's body type as he used to be, that's human nature. You can't help who you're attracted to. If you think you can, try physically fancying somebody you don't fancy.

@Porcupineintherough how unpleasant and patronising your post was.

OP has never said she doesn't respect her husband, which is an assumption being made a lot too.

The human body changes as we get older, but it doesn't have to change from healthy to unhealthy. Healthy is attractive to us for biological reasons, and unhealthy is unattractive for the same reasons. You can't fight nature.