DH has gotten fat

[fancyaflatwhite]

I feel terrible but it's now really making it hard for me to be attracted to him and have the respect I want to have for him.

I've tried gently encouraging exercise and suggesting walks together for many, many years now. But he doesn't stick with it and is a comfort eater. This isn't just about remaining attracted to each other, it's about health too. His father died young from a heart attack

What would you do?

@mynameisbrian

TheFoundations i dont need to google, i work out twice a day and monitor my calories. You need to be in calorie deficit to lose weight.

Wow you know more than the worlds leading gastroenterologist who sat gut biome and hormone variations within individuals account for big differences between how much weight they gain Two people can eat the EXCACT same calories and excercise the same amount and weigh completely amounts Please tell us more about the papers you’ve published

Why does him being fat mean you don’t respect him? I would work on confronting that particular prejudice in yourself.
This. If you have a problem with showing overweight people respect, then that's awful
As someone who is slim now but was obese I can tell you for certain really fat people are not taken seriously by most normal weight people. It's a bit the same as other types of addicts are regarded. There is someone in front of you who has clearly got issues with eating and who is out of control, and actually disrespecting themselves and on a slow path to ill health and early death. So it's hard to take that person seriously.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Weight is too complicated by an issue to say fat = lazy. In fact, many people are overweight because they are too busy working to prioritise themselves. Being stressed and tired also has a huge impact on people's eating patterns

Absolutely this.

I follow a guy on Facebook called RebelFit and he’s always talking about stress as a major factor in obesity. Overeating is often a symptom of stress, trauma etc and the stigma of being overweight can also cause stress and in turn weight gain. It’s a fucker.

FWIW DP and I have both put on weight since we met - several stone each - and both find each other just as attractive as we did before. I’d be gutted if he made me feel shit about my weight gain. As someone with a thyroid problem and peri menopause I’m fighting an uphill battle. For him to reject me sexually while I’m struggling with my health would be a real kick in the teeth. And similarly, when he puts on weight, he’s really hard on himself and the last thing he needs is me piling on making him feel worse.

All the references on here to people being lazy, greedy and “stuffing their faces with chocolate and crisps” are just so nasty.

If someone is anorexic would you take the piss out of them, calling them scrawny and skeletal and joke about them licking the flavour off a crisp? Have some fucking empathy for people who are struggling with weight gain for so many reasons.

Stress is always talked about as a factor, or the underlying issues about why someone overeats is always talked about as a factor. I've been hearing about that since I was a child!

What is hardly ever spoken about is the addictive nature of food and just how addictive the combination of what's in unhealthy food can be. Personally I would argue that in a lot of cases it wasn't stress or trauma that caused the overeating, it was simply unhealthy habits that someone didn't keep on top of and then the addiction was hard to control.
Of course then stress can follow as people feel the side effects of their addiction, people are upset about their weight gain, they start to feel self conscious or shame and so on and it can then become a vicious cycle and extremely difficult to get out of because a person feels shit in many ways so they turn to the thing that their body is addicted to get that boost and feel good for a moment.

It's great that you have the type of supportive relationship that you want to have and that suits you and your husband, but equally for other couples a supportive relationship would be one where the other encourages the other person to be healthy for longevity. If someone isn't attracted to someone anymore due to a lot of unhealthy weight gain that doesn't make them a bad person and it doesn't mean they're not supportive either!

As for if someone was anorexic would people take the piss out of them?
No they generally wouldn't, but people don't ignore anorexia, if their partner was anorexic they would be insisting they got help, they would be sectioned if they needed to be. No one would say just leave them be, you should love them no matter what size they are and support them by keeping your mouth shut! But if it's an obese or morbidly obese person and they're killing themselves with food and massively at risk of heart attack etc. then often people say to leave them alone!

Also skinny people are often called names like skinny and scrawny and even anorexic...even though anorexia is an eating disorder and a mental health issue, and simply being skinny doesn't equal being anorexic! People comment on skinny people all the time in derogatory ways

@PearlclutchersInc

He comfort eats; why do you think he needs to do that, have you asked or tried to help?

The phrase 'comfort eating' isn't always the right thing to describe the situation.

Comfort implies that it's soothing something in someone that is upsetting them or stressing them out.

Sometimes (a lot of time) it's the addiction to the unhealthy food that is causing them to crave the food and want to eat it! Of course then if that person is upset or stressed about something they will crave the thing that they are addicted to, but they probably crave it every other day also no matter how happy or content they are!

No one calls it 'comfort smoking'. People might smoke more when stressed but they still smoke when happy and content!

I went on a diet and he joined in when it went well.

Having far less snacking options in the house helped to, so no more big bags of popcorn just single packs with under 100 calories.

I still odored him but sex just wasn't as comfortable.

It is hard to lose weight, especially when you get older & have emotional problems BUT looking at the other side of things the other person suffers too when their partner is overweight as many posters have said.
My brothers wife is morbidly obese & won't/can't lose weight. Like Inthesameboat2 mentioned they bought a dog that she could walk ( her idea & she adores them) My brother walks it, or it doesn't get exercised. She can't bend to clean up after it either. He is having counselling for his mental health & the fact that he can't enjoy life with his wife is a contributing factor. He wants to do things as a couple & feels very lonely in his marriage because they can't. He even has to help her out of the chair.
I'm not fat shaming here, just saying it effects everyone concerned.

Comfort eating is due to external circumstances plus the trick that the big food companies have learned. They make the carb:fat calorie ratio in foods 2:1. Check the labels of foods that are usually comfort eaten, It'll be an approximation of Calories from carbs 2, calories from fat 1.

The reason it's addictive is because it's the same ratio as breast milk. It's not a combination found anywhere else in nature, but it's in chocolate, crisps, ice cream, pizza, all the biggies. A high proportion of us are now adult 'bouncing babies' because of this. The mechanism is a bit like when a child sucks their thumb, mimicking suckling. You can encourage them to take their thumb out of their mouth, but the second they take their mind off it, it goes straight back in again.

Nobody comfort eats broccoli. Or indeed sugar on its own, or fat on its own. The combination has to be just right.

TheFoundations- Expert in Everything.

I'll gladly comfort eat on salad. Love it.

Two people can eat the EXCACT same calories and excercise the same amount and weigh completely amounts

Absolutely right - and you need to be in calorie deficit for you to lose weight. You do that mainly by reducing the calories you consume - exercise plays a far smaller part in weight loss than reducing calorie intake.

Losing weight is hard, just like stopping smoking or drinking is hard for the reasons given already - but providing your weight gain is not a result of illness, disability, etc it absolutely can be done. It doesn’t sound like the OPs DH is I’ll or disabled, just that he doesn’t want to give up the excess calories - and that’s not conducive to a long, happy, healthy marriage when the OP is (quite rightly) expresses concerns about what that means for her.

My DH steadily got bigger to the point where I stopped fancying him and not wanting to have sex etc. The thing for me, was the bigger he got, the more he snored. The lack of sleep for me was becoming quite detrimental to my health and I was really starting to resent him for it. There was only so much spare bed sleeping, ear plugs etc I could tolerate.

I didn't want to be that finger pointing person, because I'm not perfect and I know I could improve on a few things. I tried so many things over the years to bring about change. In the end, a lack of sleep, anger and resentment boiled over and I was quite brutal in a chat with him. He was really shocked, and hurt, that's how I was feeling about him. I hate that I hurt him, but equally I dont regret it.

We looked in to the food, and he sought help from a nutritionist. Found he had an intolerance to dairy. We started making changes together, as it wasn't fair for him to change all his diet and me stay the same - and the weight started dropping off. Simple changes like cows milk to oat milk etc. He noticed a difference in his breathing, his sleeping (a shift worker) and his moods which spurred him on more. He then found a sport he loves doing, because whilst he isn't lazy as such, he does suffer with a lack of motivation and exercises have to be interesting for him.

@FayCarew

TheFoundations- Expert in Everything.

I'll gladly comfort eat on salad. Love it.

Why so harsh? You eating lots of salad doesn't disprove my point, and I've never claimed to be an expert in anything. The carb:fat ratio thing isn't my opinion, it's a fact. Pop down to the shop and read some comfort food labels and you could be just as expert as I am.

I'd be concerned but I think saying you've lost respect for him is a little harsh!

@TheFoundations
Why so harsh? You eating lots of salad doesn't disprove my point, and I've never claimed to be an expert in anything. The carb:fat ratio thing isn't my opinion, it's a fact. Pop down to the shop and read some comfort food labels and you could be just as expert as I am.

It's how you are coming across and it's not just me noticing.

I don't need to go to the shop to look at food labels. I'm reasonably clued up as to what is in food.

@FayCarew

It's how you are coming across and it's not just me noticing

Oh I see. A personal dig. Not to worry. I'll keep posting, and you can keep disliking it.

I won't be derailing the thread anymore due to you not liking how I post. Hopefully you'll be able to cope with that ok.

Yawn.

OP has probably lost a little respect as her husband knows his weight impacts their life together, he promises to do something about it and then doesn’t

@mynameisbrian

I do not mean to derail the thread, but although you acknowledge Anorexia Nervosa and Bulemia as 'eating disorders'. you've very conveniently disregarded Binge Eating Disorder and Compulsive Overeating, both of which are recognized eating disorders !

That's one of the reasons I cannot condone the whole ''fat people are just greedy'' argument !

It's all just too convenient to stick a negative label on a characteristic, and then verbally attack other people who question it !

So, in your opinion,
Fat = Greedy
Underweight = Eating disorder

Do any of you honestly believe that any obese adult in their right mind chooses to be obese/overweight ?
Chooses to be the butt of jokes ?
Chooses to be unable to buy clothes that fit ?
Chooses to be out of breath climbing stairs ?
Chooses to be 'judged' by EVERY thin person they know?

The fact is, NO-ONE wants to be fat ffs !!

But the complexities behind how someone has become overweight are complex ! It's NOT just because they WANT to be fat FFS !

I think it's horrific how people feel fine and dandy about being incredibly and horrifically rude, insensitive and hurtful, to a huge proportion of people, just because they've 'done better' (in their own minds) at 'being thin'

It's taking things back to the bloody playground mentality of saying, ''I'm cool, so I'll make FUN of the fat kid, cos he's just GREEDY''

Aren't we adults ?
Aren't we capable of thinking ''there must be a reason behind the choices someone else is making ?
Aren't we capable of empathy or compassion at the very least ?

@mynameisbrian

Seems to have a limited understanding of the medical definition of eating disorders and believes he or she k own more than experts/ drs

I noticed in the film of German flooding that no one looked obese. Maybe the fat people stayed home but if other countries can on average be less fat than us then - what? We all have unsupported mental health issues?
I'm a stone or so overweight - it's because I've just an hour ago had toast and coffee, and am now having tea and bisc and after every meal I like a sweet thing- bisc or choc or mousse - I have a sweet tooth which I hate not to indulge. Part of the problem is the huge availability of delicious foods. Friends who are slim don't seem to have my sweet tooth, or don't indulge it.

@Weebleweeble, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but I think where you are going wrong is to start the day with toast. I'm not sure what you put on it. The toast is setting you up for carb cravings especially if it is (butter and) jam you have on it.

You are then topping up the carbs frequently through the day.

Try swapping the toast for a boiled egg or scrambled eggs and you'll probably find that you are craving less.

I am not a medical expert or dietician, just someone who notices that carbs make me crave carbs.

I mentioned the butter and jam because fat+sugar combination makes things worse.

@Mycatispretty

Yes exactly this.

OP I’ve been there so I understand how you feel. I met someone on online dating. I didn’t realise he was obese until I met him in real life. He was 17 stone but had lost 7 stone in the last two years. He asked me if his weight was an issue and I answered it was, not so much about appearances but health issues ( we are in our 50s). I work in the NHS and have witnessed the consequences of obesity. Anyway, to cut a long story short, he said he’d continue with his losing weight trajectory and I believed him. I enjoyed his company so I thought I’d see how things went. Over the next 18 months he put most of the weight back on despite empty promises of “ I’m back on it now- oil start dieting again next week”. In the end it was the broken promises that wore me out so I ended the relationship. Apparently he’s back to 24 stone. I miss him but I just couldn’t commit to a future of the possibility of being a carer. I felt like he valued drinking 8 pints a night and junk food more than a relationship with me.

• I’ll start not oil start 🙄

The irony is he said he would never date a fat woman as he found them disgusting. When I ended things he tried to guilt trip me by saying I should accept him how he was. I realise now I shouldn’t have pursued the relationship beyond the first date but I was recently out of abusive marriage and I had very low self esteem plus I’d never done online dating before

Try replacing the carbs and sweet but empty calories with fruit veg and protein. You will stop, completely stop, craving biscuits cakes sweets bread and crisps. You will start to be sensitive to and to like the natural sweetness of fruit. You will start to dislike how eating crap makes you feel crap- sluggish and tired. Best best best of all- as soon as you make this switch, on the first day you will start to feel a sense of well-being and acheievement and self love. Tell yourself you can eat anything you like on Saturday. After a few weeks you won't want anything special even on Saturdays. This is a life style change, not a diet. This is about eating good healthy food and watching your calories and portion sizes. It requires you to accept that you have been seriously over eating and that the way to a healthy life requires you to permanently stop over eating. Allow yourself unlimited fruit and veg, snack on celery sticks, carrot sticks, apples, cucumber, rice cakes, a (very small) handful of nuts. You don't need to stuff yourself all the time. Hopefully, at some point you will start to love feeling fitter because you are lighter and the pull of gravity less intense. You will stop focussing on the next meal, letting more time pass between meals, not caring much until you feel truly genuinely hungry, for good nourishing food. You will gain less emotional satisfaction from stuffing yourself. That's the way I lost four stone two years ago.