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Original poster

DH has gotten fat

179 replies

fancyaflatwhite · 21/07/2021 21:09

I feel terrible but it's now really making it hard for me to be attracted to him and have the respect I want to have for him.

I've tried gently encouraging exercise and suggesting walks together for many, many years now. But he doesn't stick with it and is a comfort eater. This isn't just about remaining attracted to each other, it's about health too. His father died young from a heart attack

What would you do?

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 22/07/2021 17:33

@HamsterHelp you could go to the gym and walk ten miles a day but if your over eating it wont make a god damn bit of difference. Calorie intake reduction is how you lose weight.

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 17:36

[quote mynameisbrian]**@HamsterHelp you could go to the gym and walk ten miles a day but if your over eating it wont make a god damn bit of difference. Calorie intake reduction is how you lose weight.[/quote]
That's startlingly basic and... wrong.

updownroundandround · 22/07/2021 17:37

@SarahDarah

Being overweight/obese (unless caused by a genuine medical issue) is a choice and is due to lack of self control

Ok, so by your reasoning, then Anorexia Nervosa is also simply due to lack of self control Confused Oh, and it's a choice too ! Sad

Can you not see ? You honestly believe that being underweight is an illness, but being overweight is a lack of self control ?

It's that simple ? Hmm

mynameisbrian · 22/07/2021 17:37

TheFoundations really...please enlighten me

mynameisbrian · 22/07/2021 17:40

updownroundandround your derailing...the OP DH doesnt have anorexia or bulimia...he overeats as that is his go to ...some of us use alcohol, some use exercise. Noone on this thread is suggesting those with eating disorders have a choice as in truth you need to understand the cause of the disorder. Which requires specialist support.

Deux · 22/07/2021 17:40

@2389Champ my DH is the same with food though he is beginning to be more mindful. Zero self control and fingers in his ears that calories can be drunk as well as eaten. I stopped any kind of sharing platter with him ages ago as I was fed up of him wolfing the lot. On one of our early dates we had a sharing starter and I quickly nipped to the loo and when I came back he’d eaten the lot. But he wasn’t obese then, muscular rugby player.

PearlclutchersInc · 22/07/2021 17:47

He comfort eats; why do you think he needs to do that, have you asked or tried to help?

2389Champ · 22/07/2021 17:48

[quote Deux]@2389Champ my DH is the same with food though he is beginning to be more mindful. Zero self control and fingers in his ears that calories can be drunk as well as eaten. I stopped any kind of sharing platter with him ages ago as I was fed up of him wolfing the lot. On one of our early dates we had a sharing starter and I quickly nipped to the loo and when I came back he’d eaten the lot. But he wasn’t obese then, muscular rugby player.[/quote]
Spot on!

My DH was a muscular rugby player too! Maybe that’s part of it? In their active sporting days they could eat what they liked and burn the calories and have never adjusted their intake accordingly?
Been there with the sharing plate. Because he’s always been a much faster eater anyway, I always missed out!

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 17:52

@mynameisbrian

TheFoundations really...please enlighten me
It's not a dieting thread. Google it.
mynameisbrian · 22/07/2021 18:15

TheFoundations i dont need to google, i work out twice a day and monitor my calories. You need to be in calorie deficit to lose weight.

MaMelon · 22/07/2021 18:15

But mynameisbrian is correct - the best way to lose weight is to reduce your calorie intake. Exercise doesn’t have nearly as much impact.

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 18:31

It depends how much exercise and how many calories. Let's not derail the thread any further.

markmichelle · 22/07/2021 18:33

May I say that this is me also. Since retiring and moving house (and Covid) I have lost my zest for things.
In practical terms I have no need to put on one of my suits. I look smart and on the ball in a business meeting. There are none and there never will be for me.
For the pandemic nowhere to go at all.
Why bother. In the family we are not affected by how we look to each other.
So currently no motivation to lose 20 lbs.

Growtheroses · 22/07/2021 18:35

Most people gain weight because they eat too much

Of course! No one is disputing that.

The question is why are people eating too much?

Various (scientifically proven) answers include:

  • stress
  • shift work/lack of sleep
  • lack of time
  • societal changes eg both parents woh, food marketing, availability of junk food, lack of green spaces,
  • behavioural changes eg eating in front of screens, increase in number of occasions when we eat celebratory food, snacking, driving instead of walking or cycling

So yes, people on here can frame them as "excuses" if you like but other concrete factors are at play too.

isitsummertimeyet · 22/07/2021 18:36

how fat we talking, what does he weigh now compared to the weight you found him attractive?

MaMelon · 22/07/2021 18:55

The question is why are people eating too much?

As you rightly say, there are lots of reasons why people consume too many calories - but we’ll always find a way to justify not doing anything about it when in the main it’s perfectly possible to lose it, if we really want to.

FayCarew · 22/07/2021 19:00

@TheFoundations
That's startlingly basic and... wrong.

I doubt it.

Mary1Mary · 22/07/2021 19:40

My ex husband started over eating the minute we got married. He had been average size till then but became morbidly obese within 2 years.

I ended up not having sex with him anymore, it was awful, he would drip sweat onto me and literally crush me with his gut. There's also some very unpleasant digestive issues that happen when a person is constantly over eating. And the snoring and night sweats.

After years of gentle coaxing I told my exh I didn't find him attractive anymore. He whined that I should because we're married. We divorced and he immediately set about losing the weight and is now an average size.

You need to tell him clearly op. What he does with that is up to him.

PersonaNonGarter · 22/07/2021 20:50

I am always baffled as to why people insist that being fat isn’t a result of overeating. It is absolutely a result of overeating.

A calorie deficit is what’s needed for the OPs husband to get his weight, health and marriage back on track.

The OP is absolutely not obliged to find her husband attractive if he is fat. And pretending them at she is shallow or not taking her wedding vows seriously is ridiculous. He should lose weight - and it sounds like the OP would be very supportive if he chose to.

ILoveShula · 22/07/2021 21:05

@PersonaNonGarter, it is not always the result of overeating. It could be the result of overdrinking.

I think that we make excuses a lot of the time.

**I am not talking about people who through no fault of their own are overweight. Some may be overweight because of medical reasons.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2021 21:21

I’m sure “with my body I thee worship” used to be in there as well. We got hitched in the registry office so there was none of that but the principle is right. If you abuse your body by overeating to the degree that you can no longer participate in things you, as a couple, did together, which bonded you as illustrated by plenty of replies on here, you’re hurting your spouse. Sex is one of the key features of a marriage that defines it as different to other relationships. One spouse getting so fat they can’t do it without squashing the other one or can’t stop sweating on them, that’s not part of the deal you both agreed to.

Attraction is conditional. That’s natural and normal. Some people don’t mind their husband or wife changing in a big way through weight gain. Others do and that’s okay as well. It doesn’t mean the love is gone and it certainly doesn’t make you shallow. If you wouldn’t have been attracted to a man who weighed 20 stone when you were dating and looking for a relationship, there’s no reason to feel you have to pretend to be attracted to your husband who now weights 20 stone. And no one wakes up like that! It’s a gradual process and there are choices, every drink, meal or snack, every single day, that makes things better or worse.

People are quick to judge the other vices that can obsess a person and damage their marriage, ruin their sex life, worry their spouse - drink, drugs, work, gambling, porn - but food seems to get carte blanche for absolutely no reason at all except “feelings” and it’s properly shitty to try and make OP feel bad for expressing her concerns here.

Growtheroses · 22/07/2021 22:05

People are quick to judge the other vices that can obsess a person and damage their marriage, ruin their sex life, worry their spouse - drink, drugs, work, gambling, porn - but food seems to get carte blanche for absolutely no reason at all except “feelings”

Well perhaps that has something to do with the fact that all of the other things on your list aren't absolutely essential to life, whereas food is.

MaMelon · 22/07/2021 22:09

Perhaps ‘excessive calories’ might have been a better description.

drpet49 · 22/07/2021 22:15

* Now you see if you were a man saying your wife and gotten fat this thread would be full of people saying LTB!*

^I agree

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2021 22:24

@Growtheroses

People are quick to judge the other vices that can obsess a person and damage their marriage, ruin their sex life, worry their spouse - drink, drugs, work, gambling, porn - but food seems to get carte blanche for absolutely no reason at all except “feelings”

Well perhaps that has something to do with the fact that all of the other things on your list aren't absolutely essential to life, whereas food is.

People who successfully lose weight continue to eat food. Just not the same amounts or same foods or drinks that got them overweight in the first place.

The spouses people are talking about on this thread all ate food before they became unhealthily large. They can still eat food and manage to lose weight. They can’t continue to overeat or drink and lose weight, but they’re choosing this option.

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