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Original poster

Husband Taking Trip With Other Women??

339 replies

jennnn4444 · 21/07/2021 16:13

My husband has gotten involved in boxing classes over the past year and the place he takes classes is having a getaway/retreat for 4 days away where they will "do a lot of boxing and fun stuff too". There are about 10-15 people attending (half are women, several women are recently divorced). I do not know these women personally, but from things I've seen and heard they enjoy partying, drinking, and going out a lot. They will share a house with a hot tub for 3-4 nights.

I trust my husband and can't see him cheating, but at the same time I worry that he's putting himself in dangerous territory going away for a long weekend, spending every waking hour with these people, and staying in a house with single women and alcohol.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
LifeinPieces21 · 21/07/2021 23:33

Well if you're definitely a lot older than 40, you're def an advanced age😜. I never questioned your attractiveness or ability to party til dawn 🤣

Grin

I'm actually bored now, it has been fun.

Goodnight.

I hope OP sorted it out, at the end of the day if she is not fine with it then she needs to speak to her DH. Peoples feelings are not to be mocked.

TedMullins · 21/07/2021 23:33

Hot tub sales apparently went up over lockdown. Can someone send a memo to all the hot tub owners that it’s a highly inappropriate piece of equipment unless they’re married and don’t allow anyone in it except their partner

LifeinPieces21 · 21/07/2021 23:38

@TedMullins

Hot tub sales apparently went up over lockdown. Can someone send a memo to all the hot tub owners that it’s a highly inappropriate piece of equipment unless they’re married and don’t allow anyone in it except their partner
Went in one with 4 friends , didn't get the point. Other friend got one, have avoided it up to yet.
trappistkepler · 21/07/2021 23:56

all sounds like a very juvenile trip, somebody needs to grow up. Would have thought boxing would require more dedication than regular pissup gatherings and 'retreats' Grin. Therein is why your instinct is telling you something. It's a social club masquerading under the banner of a sport and so maybe he is open to possibilities.

TheSkatesOfCoachBombay · 22/07/2021 00:02

LifeinPieces21 so does drunk me. Woke up once with one stuck to my left arse cheek. No idea what was going on there 😂 this is why I'm single and 31 haha

Jenasaurus · 22/07/2021 00:30

Many years ago when I was 21 I worked for an tour operator arranging ski ing holidays and as a result went on many "educationals" on one I stayed in chalet in France, the chalet had 8 people in it, ranging from other staff to genuine travellers. All travelling solo, the evening we spent chatting and drinking loads of wine by the fire, on the last evening, one man I had become friendly with leant in and kissed me when the others had left the room. It was wrong and I told my bf when I got back, he wasnt happy and I dont actually know why it happened, as up until that point we were all just friends enjoying a ski resort. I am 56 now so many years ago and things may have changed now.

Chikapu · 22/07/2021 05:54

@Shelddd

We should all go drink heavily to the point of blacking out at every one of our ex's houses overnight for a week. Why not right ? Nothing will happen we all have trust.
You sound unhinged now.
Sittinginthesand · 22/07/2021 06:36

This is such an unkind thread, poor op is perfectly naturally not thrilled that her dh wants to go away on a piss-up without her and instead of a bit of sympathy and understanding she’s had a load of posts mocking her and making ridiculously exaggerated points. I don’t k ow what world all these ‘cool wives’ live in but that don’t know anyone who would think it was fine. You do realise that not everyone is married to a perfect man - all the ‘you should trust him comments’ are very naive, not everyone can trust their dhs- as we know some are cheats! OP maybe start another thread for some sensible advice. And shame on the rest of you for mocking someone feeling down.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 22/07/2021 07:04

@Sittinginthesand

This is such an unkind thread, poor op is perfectly naturally not thrilled that her dh wants to go away on a piss-up without her and instead of a bit of sympathy and understanding she’s had a load of posts mocking her and making ridiculously exaggerated points. I don’t k ow what world all these ‘cool wives’ live in but that don’t know anyone who would think it was fine. You do realise that not everyone is married to a perfect man - all the ‘you should trust him comments’ are very naive, not everyone can trust their dhs- as we know some are cheats! OP maybe start another thread for some sensible advice. And shame on the rest of you for mocking someone feeling down.
I agree, but it's just typical. Not one person would be completely fine with that situation, and no matter how much they stamp their feet that they would, they are lying!
Bluntness100 · 22/07/2021 07:04

Dear MN, I want to go away with my hobby group, mixed sex. DH has said i can only go if je comes to supervise as im sure to get drunk and fuck someone m. Aibu to think he should trust me more?

Exactly and the op would be told to go snd not let him control her. No one keeps their husband faithful by controlling them. If you’re in a bad relationship where you feel genuinely your partner will cheat, then that’s the issue to address, not allowing them out to prevent it isn’t the answer,

TheFoundations · 22/07/2021 07:19

@Sittinginthesand

This is such an unkind thread, poor op is perfectly naturally not thrilled that her dh wants to go away on a piss-up without her and instead of a bit of sympathy and understanding she’s had a load of posts mocking her and making ridiculously exaggerated points. I don’t k ow what world all these ‘cool wives’ live in but that don’t know anyone who would think it was fine. You do realise that not everyone is married to a perfect man - all the ‘you should trust him comments’ are very naive, not everyone can trust their dhs- as we know some are cheats! OP maybe start another thread for some sensible advice. And shame on the rest of you for mocking someone feeling down.
Nobody has said 'You should trust him.'. People are saying 'If you don't trust him to be faithful on this retreat, you have a bigger issue to deal with than this retreat.'

That's about as sensible as it gets, advice-wise.

What you're referring to as 'cool wives', by which you mean 'wives who trust their husbands' aren't that unusual. Just because you live in a world where all the wives are expecting their husband to be unfaithful, doesn't mean everybody does. Marital trust isn't rare. Of course some spouses cheat, but that doesn't mean that everybody suspects everybody. It's so sad that you think that to trust your spouse is being 'a cool wife' rather than a 'wife', and that you've clearly never witnessed trust.

Kintsugi16 · 22/07/2021 07:43

I was a ‘cool wife’ like some of you here.
Trusted him completely, and then ….

Opportunity and chances of you not finding out, play a massive role in infidelity and also the actions of those around you. The behaviour is ‘normalised’.

Posters have been very unkind to the OP.

Funk2funky · 22/07/2021 07:52

There was a thread on here before and women were asked did they 100% trust their husbands. I think 2 out of about 50 posts said yes. Many said you can’t really trust anyone 100% except yourself.
It’s strange everyone is 100% trusting on this thread. I think, if honest, anyone would feel uncomfortable in this scenario. It doesn’t mean they’d try to stop it in some controlling way but it’s not the dream scenario is it! I really can’t believe any of you would be sat at home and not have the briefest wobble.
As we can all see, there are a lot of cheating threads, where the op begins ‘he really was the last person I expected to this , he’s a wonderful, kind husband etc etc.’
No one is immune from temptation and being surrounded by it for 4 days is bound to be a worry.
Op I totally empathise

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2021 07:57

I think that if being a cool wife means you don’t live your life a jealous insecure bundle scared to let your husband be alone with other women, assuming he will shag them given the chance then I am delighted to be a cool wife. It is a much better way to live than being the jealous/insecure wife.

If your partner is going to cheat he’s going to cheat. You being controlling isn’t going to change that.

Charley50 · 22/07/2021 08:01

Yes it's a bit different from going away with an established group of mixed-sex friends. 1; they're actually friends, rather than just people at a weekly activity, and 2. Boundaries more likely to stay in place as word would get back if anything happened.

Tbh I wouldn't like it either. I am pretty sure my OH wouldn't care though if it was me going on this holiday. Actually he had so little curiosity when I went away with a friend and 3 of her male friends, that I felt a bit hurt.

Kintsugi16 · 22/07/2021 08:15

@Bluntness100

I think that if being a cool wife means you don’t live your life a jealous insecure bundle scared to let your husband be alone with other women, assuming he will shag them given the chance then I am delighted to be a cool wife. It is a much better way to live than being the jealous/insecure wife.

If your partner is going to cheat he’s going to cheat. You being controlling isn’t going to change that.

That’s nasty

The OP isn’t a jealous insecure bundle and obviously is generally happy for her DH to be around other women at the boxing club.

The ‘if he’s going to cheat’ argument doesn’t sit right with me as temptation and opportunity plays a key role.

I’m assuming you would all be happy for you older DC to go away with friends who you know take drugs regularly? They won’t be tempted because of the situation because if they’re going to take drugs, they will anyway

countrygirl99 · 22/07/2021 08:26

@Sittinginthesand

This is such an unkind thread, poor op is perfectly naturally not thrilled that her dh wants to go away on a piss-up without her and instead of a bit of sympathy and understanding she’s had a load of posts mocking her and making ridiculously exaggerated points. I don’t k ow what world all these ‘cool wives’ live in but that don’t know anyone who would think it was fine. You do realise that not everyone is married to a perfect man - all the ‘you should trust him comments’ are very naive, not everyone can trust their dhs- as we know some are cheats! OP maybe start another thread for some sensible advice. And shame on the rest of you for mocking someone feeling down.
Nothing to do with being a "cool wife" I wouldn't have stayed married for over 40 years if I couldn't trust him. Just as he trusts me if I go away with my hobby or for work, which has happened many times over the years. I've even been on a long haul trip without him for my hobby.
SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 08:34

I’m assuming you would all be happy for you older DC to go away with friends who you know take drugs regularly? They won’t be tempted because of the situation because if they’re going to take drugs, they will anyway well given your child can be put in danger by their friends being high or is at risk of being slipped drugs unknowingly, its not the same unless this group is well known for having sex parties or you think DH is at risk of sexual assault. That's the equivalent.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 08:35

Can anyone clarify what activities i can do with mixed sex friends without disrespecting my man?

MrsMaizel · 22/07/2021 08:44

In the "not Just Friends" book by Shirley Glass ( post affair) she talks about not opening doors or windows into your relationship . We are all human and you can see her logic that you actively work to preserve what you have - and that means no trips like this . This doesn't mean you live in a bubble BUT you do take active steps to respect and look after yourself and your partner. For each couple that will come in a different form but @jennnn4444 I think this trip would open a window or two .

DotDotDotDot · 22/07/2021 08:44

More of a respect thing. As someone else said married people don’t normally go out drinking with a load of single people of the opposite sex. They wouldn’t want to because the agendas are different. This is even worse because it involves a hot tub where there will be less clothes

Less clothes Grin Hmm

It's primarily a boxing retreat. People are losing sight of this.

I go on running retreats with my running club. There are hot tubs involved Shock, some of the runners are single, we drink a bit of alcohol in the evenings. But primarily we're there to run.

My husband respects me, and I respect him. He respects me for being fit and healthy, having friends, and doing things I love. He doesn't control me; instead he encourages me to pursue my interests and fitness goals. As I do with him too.

There's loads of respect in our marriage, mainly because we're not controlling pricks.

Chikapu · 22/07/2021 09:08

@SleepingStandingUp

Can anyone clarify what activities i can do with mixed sex friends without disrespecting my man?
None. You're inviting sinfulness into your relationship if you have mixed sex friends especially divorced ones in the vicinity of a hot tub
toocold54 · 22/07/2021 09:22

Opportunity and chances of you not finding out, play a massive role in infidelity and also the actions of those around you. The behaviour is ‘normalised’.

Every day that your partner goes to work or to the shops there is a chance to cheat.
That’s why people in controlling relationships aren’t allowed out on their own or have their phone checked as it is so easy to cheat.
But that doesn’t mean you should control them and dictate who they can and can’t spend their time with.
If my partner told me I can’t go away for a weekend with friends, work or hobby because he doesn’t trust me not to have sex with someone else then the relationship would be over.

If someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat. No amount of tracking where they are and who they’re with is going to stop that.
And if you genuinely think that the minute your back is turned they’re going to try and have sex with someone then more fool you for staying with such a creep.

And since when did hot tubs become a symbol for sex/cheating. I’ve never had or wanted to have sex in a hot tub!
I’m not sure why a hot tub automatically equals sex Confused

SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 09:23

@DotDotDotDot

More of a respect thing. As someone else said married people don’t normally go out drinking with a load of single people of the opposite sex. They wouldn’t want to because the agendas are different. This is even worse because it involves a hot tub where there will be less clothes

Less clothes Grin Hmm

It's primarily a boxing retreat. People are losing sight of this.

I go on running retreats with my running club. There are hot tubs involved Shock, some of the runners are single, we drink a bit of alcohol in the evenings. But primarily we're there to run.

My husband respects me, and I respect him. He respects me for being fit and healthy, having friends, and doing things I love. He doesn't control me; instead he encourages me to pursue my interests and fitness goals. As I do with him too.

There's loads of respect in our marriage, mainly because we're not controlling pricks.

Ah tell the truth. Its a den of sin and you all have one mass orgy. You're fit from all the sexercise you have with everyone
SleepingStandingUp · 22/07/2021 09:24

@MrsMaizel

In the "not Just Friends" book by Shirley Glass ( post affair) she talks about not opening doors or windows into your relationship . We are all human and you can see her logic that you actively work to preserve what you have - and that means no trips like this . This doesn't mean you live in a bubble BUT you do take active steps to respect and look after yourself and your partner. For each couple that will come in a different form but *@jennnn4444* I think this trip would open a window or two .
What about if you're bi?