Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

[Hanger0n]

I am too. I just hope she has an honest conversation with her husband.

[Youdiditanyway]

Block him, contact the police and tell your DH. It’s the only real solution here. You have children to think about, you need to end this madness.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

but turned a bit too bdsm-y for your liking - is that right?

That has to bet the most almost comical minimisation of anal rape and subsequent injuries that needed medical attention I have ever read.

Sounds like he restrained op and ignored her limits.

He is a severely abusive predator abd has always been- ops vulnerability and perception of the situation dies not make this an affair that went.a bit too bdsm-y for her liking.

This thread is full of absolute c u next Tuesdays and weirdos.

[JustLyra]

[quote newdaynew]@Finallydonewithhim so you entered into an affair which started out as lust but turned a bit too bdsm-y for your liking - is that right? At the same time, this man was seeing other people? Have you heard about the Madonna/Whore complex and do you think he might have it?[/quote]
A bit too bdsm-y for her liking?

Anal rape and injuries that required medical treatment and that to you is a “bit too bdsm-y”

Fucking hell.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

And if you post that you hadn't read it was anal rape- she said from the very beginning that he had become dangerous and that she'd had to have medical treatment for injuries from what he's done.

Then when asked said it was t a visible place to her husband.

I don't know what planet you're living on if you couldn't imagine what he might have done.

[SafeMove]

@WhiskeyGalore212 I agree. I hope this thread isn't removed because I think the OP needs support. But those replies need to go. Especially the BDSM-y one.

[JustLyra]

It’s amazing how all of the threads about women killed by men using BDSM as their excuse are full of rage and anger toward the perpetrators, yet this one is full of blame toward the woman because she happens to have had an affair.

There’s the next loophole for the scumbags to use.

Some of the posters on here might as well just say “well you were asking for it” and be done with it.

@Finallydonewithhim Try and speak with your local SARC. They won’t pressure you to go to the police but they will record your injuries and can signpost you to places that can help.

It’s not uncommon for abusive men to target women who are precious victims of sexual assault and it’s nkt unlike them to do it in a way that gives them a hold or blackmail over them (as he is with your husband).

You were right when you said leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Strangleholds are extremely dangerous and men who go for the neck/throat when assaulting are known to be extremely dangerous.

[newdaynew]

'dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.' Doesn't sound like abuse.
'has been very dangerous to me this time around'. Could be interpreted to mean a risk to her marriage.
Devil's advocate?

[JustLyra]

@newdaynew

'dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.' Doesn't sound like abuse.
'has been very dangerous to me this time around'. Could be interpreted to mean a risk to her marriage.
Devil's advocate?

And how are you working anal rape and injuries necessitating medical help into your devils advocacy?

[Ogham]

As I read your post I got a sinking feeling and thought of Graham Dwyer who was into bdsm and committed murder in Ireland.
OP this man sounds dangerous and unhinged. Telling your husband should be the least of your worries. Tell him and get the police involved and report your previous injury. At least then they can start to protect you and he will be known to them.

[newdaynew]

I mean in terms of reading the opening post only. Which someone said could not be used as an excuse (i.e. if only the opening post had been read). I am pointing out that it is perfectly reasonable to not infer anal rape and injuries necessitating medical help if the full thread has not been read. The opening post (in isolation) is more likely interpreted as an affair which went down a dark path?

[JustLyra]

@newdaynew

I mean in terms of reading the opening post only. Which someone said could not be used as an excuse (i.e. if only the opening post had been read). I am pointing out that it is perfectly reasonable to not infer anal rape and injuries necessitating medical help if the full thread has not been read. The opening post (in isolation) is more likely interpreted as an affair which went down a dark path?

If only it was simple enough to have a look at all of the OP’s posts to see if anything else had been added…

Besides which many of the vile posts came after thr OP clarified she had been injured by this man.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I mean in terms of reading the opening post only

Op mentioned injuries early on.

If you can't be bothered reading even just the ops posts in a thread (and she hasn't even made that many) about a subject this serious, you probably shouldn't be posting in the thread.

[Finallydonewithhim]

I’ve asked mnhq to change Title including trigger warning.

I have really fucked up in trusting this man. A friend of many years. We used to be so close. Then this dark turn. He’s grown angry with himself in recent years and takes it out on me. Seems I allow it. Bdsm wasn’t a choice. It just got rougher with some role play. I didn’t see it at first. Then it was too late.

He has called me his sex doll. His property. He owns me. The strangulation was a test at first to see what I’d do. I said ok. Then stopped it. Ok no worries. Then used as control. Twice now.

Apparently the anal rape was heat of moment. I’m not sure which bit of no stop, kicking back his legs he didn’t get. I left immediately after. Again he said didn’t realise.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Also he has really struggled with premature ejaculation recently. His kinks have become about bondage of balls etc, electric shock (refused). Something has changed in him. The places are becoming more secluded. I know I have to keep myself safe even in a daytime public place he pushed.

[rishisboater]

Of course he fucking realised! I'm sick of this "sex turned bad" excuse for everything up to "accidentally" murdering someone.

I've never ever once been unclear as to if the person I was having sex with was consenting. Not once. Sex with men and women.

[rishisboater]

I don't think he's changed at all. I think he's been grooming you

[PrettyBlunt]

To keep safe. You don't tell her.

You need to tell your husband though and get the police involved.

He's been raping you for a long time and I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

Please stay safe and get the police involved. You probably aren't the only one x

[toocold54]

I would just say to this women - just to make you aware me and this person had a sexual relationship but I ended because he became sexually abusive/violent.
You don’t need to go into details and she may not believe you but I do think it’s worth giving her a heads up. You could say not to go anywhere that is secluded with him. She needs to protect herself.

[spanishlinnet]

Sorry that you're going through this, OP

I see other people have given you plenty of advice on the main points so don't need to repeat, but I just wanted to say as well that it must be incredibly hard for you to have thought of this man as your safe place and a good friend only for this to be totally obliterated.

[SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend]

I would get the police involved. Nobody deserves to be treated like this and he's angry that his grooming has failed. It doesn't matter whether you've wanted it before - you are allowed to say NO. And you can get restraining orders and all sorts. This man will likely kill you if you don't, but I think you already know this.

[QuentinBunbury]

Oh gosh your latest update is heartbreaking. Sounds like he is escalating and has some very dark fantasies. I'm scared for you. Please please speak to the police. This has gone way beyond "affair" - he could kill you.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@newdaynew

'dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.' Doesn't sound like abuse.
'has been very dangerous to me this time around'. Could be interpreted to mean a risk to her marriage.
Devil's advocate?

Devils advocate? Ffs. You minimised someone being raped well into the thread. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

A friend of many years.

He was never your friend.

Its very hard to process that no doubt.

A real friend would never have involved himself sexually with you while you were attached (and then black mailed /threatened you about your marriage etc later).

A real friend would not have had rough abd then "bdsm" sex with a sexual abuse survivor.

A real friend would never ever have done what he's done to you recently.

He's a predator, exploited, groomer, abuser and now rapist.

He could kill you accidentally while strangling you.

Stop all contact and involve the police if necessary.

He won't tell your husband.. he doesn't want his gf told.

[Hanger0n]

@QuentinBunbury

Oh gosh your latest update is heartbreaking. Sounds like he is escalating and has some very dark fantasies. I'm scared for you. Please please speak to the police. This has gone way beyond "affair" - he could kill you.

Nobody else you can think of that it might be fair of her to speak to? Anyone? You know, wedding vows etc? No?