Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

[JustLyra]

We don't really know if it's actual abuse though, or if it was consensual or not. People are guessing. Op jumped on that one when someone suggested it. Before it was all about lust, can't get enough of this man, wanting to leave her husband for him, and wanting to tell her friend she is shagging him. Something is not adding up here with this story. She's still not even that bothered about how she's betraying her husband. It's all about this man and keeping him happy, and not wanting another friend with him.

The OP stated in her first post that he'd been very dangerous to her this time round.

In each of her first three messages she mentions things getting worse.

If you don't believe her report the thread. The number of people jumping on a poster who has stated she has been raped and physically harmed by a man is unreal,

[Bluntness100]

@WhiskeyGalore212

Her husband is a victim but that doesn't mean op is not also also victim.

before her fancy man turned nasty

Turned?

That’s what she said yes, it was only toxic in the last eighteen months.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Thank you to those of you who are understanding.

His recent actions have really worried me , his silence in last few days worry me more. He’ll come back hard and overwhelming. The fact he turned up the other weekend shows me exactly what he can be like.

He knows I wouldn’t go to the police. There was penetration without consent of a place I’ve always made it clear was my stop. I don’t agree to strangle holds without consent /safety either.

I think im going to ask Mnhq to delete soon and maybe start a new thread. It’s complex. I know I’m a cheat. I know I deserve no sympathy. I’m not looking for it.

I’m looking for a way of keeping safe and making him done with me. I had hoped telling his girlfriend might be enough of a stand up to him to she I’m not scared. Except I am petrified. He’s gone from my safest place to me fearing my life.

[Finallydonewithhim]

And yes l ashamed of how I have betrayed my partner. However if I allow myself to process that I’ll be in a terrible out of shame and it’s that shame that allows me to behave so badly. I don’t feel worthy of anything else.

[rishisboater]

@Finallydonewithhim I can sort of see why you'd think telling his gf would send a message to him that you're done but I think that's a risky game to play.

The safest thing to do now is remove yourself from the situation entirely.

If he ignored your hard limit then that is abusive. And he hurt you in the process.

[rishisboater]

But please make sure there's a trail to show what you've done to remove him from your life

[manyan]

Start taking responsibility for your own life. Stop blaming him. You are choosing to be involved. This needs to stop.

[Finallydonewithhim]

Yes he showed me who was physically stronger that night then minimised it afterwards. I’ve not been out since. I’ve only seen him when he turned up.

It’s so hard to accept that the man I once cared about has done this.

[manyan]

If he has abused you get the police involved. But the advice is still the same, stop all contact with him

[Finallydonewithhim]

Im fully aware of the chances of a conviction for rape or non consensual activity. Let alone adding to the cases where the victim was married, in a place she shouldn’t have been, meeting someone whom she has a complex sexual past is.

[rishisboater]

I'm not an expert but I've dabbled in bdsm and it requires a huge amount of trust. Having that broken by him not respecting your boundaries would be a huge blow because of the perceived trust you'd built up in the beginning

[Finallydonewithhim]

And those of you who get a kick from posting that I’m some kind of drama Lama you should be deeply ashamed of yourself too.

It’s people like you that stop honest conversations from happening and things like this hidden.

[rishisboater]

@Finallydonewithhim

Im fully aware of the chances of a conviction for rape or non consensual activity. Let alone adding to the cases where the victim was married, in a place she shouldn’t have been, meeting someone whom she has a complex sexual past is.

I agree which is why you make it clear in a traceable way that you're done with him. At this stage you'd be highly highly unlikely to get any support from police because there's no evidence that you've tried to stop this.

[Finallydonewithhim]

I agree. So a please do not contact me further message? Or just block.

[Hanger0n]

@Finallydonewithhim

And those of you who get a kick from posting that I’m some kind of drama Lama you should be deeply ashamed of yourself too.

It’s people like you that stop honest conversations from happening and things like this hidden.

Try having an honest conversation with your husband before lecturing other people please.

[rookiemere]

Why would you never go to the police ? Is it because it would reveal to your DH what has been happening?

Forget the gf she's not your problem. The person you need to tell is your DH as that removes this mans power over you. Tell your DH and then if this guy does attempt to have sex with you again you tell him very clearly no and call the police if he tries to get into your house.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

That’s what she said yes, it was only toxic in the last eighteen months.

I'm saying it's been toxic (to her) from the beginning and I outlined that in terms of the bdsm with her history and the misguided and deeply flawed reading for it.

[SafeMove]

Have you got children? What do you mean by him 'turning up'? Do you mean he turned up at your home? Nobody can or will protect you, if they don't know about it. Like I said before seperate out the cheating and the abuse. You need to make yourself safe (and your DC if you have them) primarily. It sounds like this guy anally raped you, didn't stop when he was throttling you and is harrassing you. This isn't about sex or attachment anymore for him. It is about power. He is signalling that power and doesn't give a shit how much that physically hurts or scares you. I don't think blocking him or sending him a final text is going to work. My ex opened up a birth injury as he was absolutely livid that a taxi driver over charged him. He felt powerless so he took it out on me. These men are dangerous and you can not just block or reason with them. You need to take this seriously.

[spotcheck]

Get counselling.

Don't use his girlfriend as cannon fodder- don't use her to prop up your resolve.

[rishisboater]

@Finallydonewithhim

I agree. So a please do not contact me further message? Or just block.

I don't agree with blocking in these situations and the police have come round to the idea this isn't always best. It's often best to have a heads up if he's planning something so you need to keep the ability for him to text you.

What you do is text him, lay out that you don't want him to contact you anymore. If he messages you just repeat yourself. If he messages again inform him you will go to the police if he continues to harass you.

Then if he messages again, follow through.

[rishisboater]

Also, totally grey rock him. No emotion, no conversation. Clear, concise.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

If you don't believe her report the thread. The number of people jumping on a poster who has stated she has been raped and physically harmed by a man is unreal

I agree, I've found this thread really upsetting. Hiding it now but I hope you get some support elsewhere OP. Having an affair doesn't reduce the impact of being raped by an affair partner. Nor does it make it any less wrong. You sound like you need some intensive therapy to help you get to a safe place in every sense, especially mentally. Thinking of you.