Leaving an abusive affair/relationship. Warning: discussion of rape. **OP post edited by MNHQ at OP's request***

[Finallydonewithhim]

Long complicated history. Man and I have always gravitated towards each other. Tried friendship - it’s great until the attraction takes hold. We always end up in a dark sexual relationship. Pure lust.

I’m married. He’s had several relationships over this time too. I was prepared at one point to give everything up for him. He couldn’t do it.

Earlier this year he got involved with someone I know. She was warned clearly by a friend of his cheating behaviour and all his flaws. He managed 4 months of staying away then he returned and took advantage of my vulnerable state.

2 months on he has showed me that he is more than happy to be carrying on this without thought or care. He won’t ever stop. He has been very dangerous to me this time around.

I can do my best to keep him away but he’ll always return. The girlfriend is airing her suspicions. I want to do the right thing and go and tell her. I’ve never felt this way about any of the other girlfriends but she deserves so much more.

I do too. My husband does too.

Talk or walk.
Pull the pin on my own grenade.

I want him to stay away forever. I feel this will be the only way to make him.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

You have kids that need their mum, another reason to get rid of this potentially dangerous abuser.

You could cut him off and I doubt he'll tell your husband because you could retaliate by telling his gf.

Then you could tell your husband as soon as you feel ready.

You need to set up safety measures for this guy coming to your home or anywhere else he could get you alone etc.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

You’ve been having an affair for years and it’s turned toxic in the last 18 months?

No she's been involved in a toxic (for her) extra marital "relationship" with fake BDSM elements for a while, and recently he's become sexually violent.

[Hanger0n]

[quote Finallydonewithhim]@WhiskeyGalore212 you are starting to understand it.

Previous sexual abuse victim seeking out experiences under the guise of consent/adult. He knows about my past. Last 18mths of so we’ve become toxic. Previously it was based on respect. Last 2 months it’s been awful.

He won’t stay away.[/quote]
Neither will you. Stop shifting the blame and take some responsibility.

[newdaynew]

You need to tell her. Do something good.

[Bluntness100]

@WhiskeyGalore212

You’ve been having an affair for years and it’s turned toxic in the last 18 months?

No she's been involved in a toxic (for her) extra marital "relationship" with fake BDSM elements for a while, and recently he's become sexually violent.

I’m sorry why is that not an affair?

[AlternativePerspective]

Ok, the man is obviously a complete bastard but you’re really not a victim here. You are choosing to be.

This isn’t an abusive relationship in the general sense of the word. You don’t have to meet up with him, you’re not living with him, you don’t have to engage in any kind of sexual activity with him.

And really, so what if he tells your husband? Your husband deserves to know.

I actually think that you saying that women are in the most danger when attempting to leave an abusive relationship is incredibly insensitive to women who are in abusive relationships and who feel they have no choice but to stay.

You’re having an affair. If he’s stalking you then you call the police. But first you need to block him.

If he threatens to tell your husband then you tell him first. No, you don’t want him to know but tbh you lost that choice when you started sleeping with another man.

I know all that sounds blunt but you do have control here and you’re choosing not to take it.

[RosieGuacamosie]

You sound like you've been in this fake sub role for so long that you think you don't have the right to say no. That you have no agency.

The OP has said he wants her to be the Dom?

I’m not sure I understand what’s happened, has he asked you to dominate him and then assaulted you when you refused or didn’t do it to his tastes?

[stellaisabella]

His cheating is the absolute least of your worries - if he's not taken no as an answer, that's rape. He's injured you, I'm guessing sexually, which is also sexual assault. You have proof of medical attention- call the police. That's your way out of this.

[AlternativePerspective]

No she's been involved in a toxic (for her) extra marital "relationship" with fake BDSM elements for a while, and recently he's become sexually violent. erm, extra marital relationship equals affair, no?

[bullyingadvice2017]

You need to get your friend by your side and face this.

Block him.
Speak to your husband. If you are honest with him then no threat can be held over you about him finding out in another, more cruel way. As you say it will prob end your marriage but you say you need to be alone anyway and at least this way your in controll of what will be a horrible conversation.
Then keep him blocked. If he keep doors locked. If he turns up tell him you will call the police and if he dosent fuck off call them.
This only works of you actually are prepared to call the police tho. And given you have medical evidence I'm sure he dosent want that!

[JustLyra]

@AlternativePerspective

Ok, the man is obviously a complete bastard but you’re really not a victim here. You are choosing to be.

This isn’t an abusive relationship in the general sense of the word. You don’t have to meet up with him, you’re not living with him, you don’t have to engage in any kind of sexual activity with him.

And really, so what if he tells your husband? Your husband deserves to know.

I actually think that you saying that women are in the most danger when attempting to leave an abusive relationship is incredibly insensitive to women who are in abusive relationships and who feel they have no choice but to stay.

You’re having an affair. If he’s stalking you then you call the police. But first you need to block him.

If he threatens to tell your husband then you tell him first. No, you don’t want him to know but tbh you lost that choice when you started sleeping with another man.

I know all that sounds blunt but you do have control here and you’re choosing not to take it.

You don't have to be living with someone To be the victim of an abusive relationship.

The OP is correct that abusive relationships are at their most dangerous when the control is slipping - that's evidenced by more than just living together relationships, and is shown in the escalating situation of the OP's recent injuries

[Justthinkingin]

@Finallydonewithhim you say you were prepared to give everything up for him (er.. why?!) but that he couldn't do it. Do you mean he's married or that he is single but couldn't commit fully to you?

[rishisboater]

I was in a very abusive relationship with someone I wasn't living with. He tried to kill me.

[AlternativePerspective]

But it’s not just a relationship with someone she’s not living with. It’s an affair. But for some reason people appear to be overlooking this.

When a woman posts here that her husband is having an affair and the OW is a complete psycho/is abusive etc etc is the man given sympathy or is the woman told that he’s made his bed and she should LTB?

But as usual the double standards are out in force here.

Affairs happen, I’m one of the first to say that. But the fact is that they are affairs. The OP has chosen to start shagging around behind her husband’s back, not just at the point he has become abusive but for years before that according to her. It’s only now that she says he’s become abusive that she’s afraid to leave the affair. She wasn’t afraid to do so before that. She had no consideration for her husband and potentially children when she was screwing around with this man behind their backs. It’s only now that things have turned nasty that she’s being seen as a victim.

[Hanger0n]

@rishisboater

I was in a very abusive relationship with someone I wasn't living with. He tried to kill me.

But you weren't having sex with him behind your husband's back.

[Thewookiemustgo]

She needs to know about the sexual violence.

Whilst you clearly need support with your issues, you are not totally helpless. You can stop making choices you know are bad for you. The first thing you need to do is tell yourself that you have total agency in this and go no contact immediately. If there are threats or stalking you involve the police immediately. None of this is easy, but it needs to be done for your own safety and mental health and that of others.
You need to see that he can only come back if you let him. If you are afraid, get support and tell trusted friends or even the police before you do it.
Seek help, block, go no contact, inform your friend about the potential danger she is in and finally have an honest discussion with your husband. He deserves to be able to make choices based on the truth of what his life actually is too.

[username34512875]

Since when did being a sexual abuse victim make cheating on your husband okay?

[AwaAnBileYerHeid]

He took advantage of your vulnerable state? No, you chose to cheat on your husband. You chose to sleep with a man who had a partner and cause hurt. Unless he raped you, in which case, you should go to the police.

[AlternativePerspective]

Since when did being a sexual abuse victim make cheating on your husband okay? interestingly the subject heading was whether to tell the friend he was cheating.

However OP wouldn’t have got much sympathy here if she’d simply said that she was shagging some bloke and he’d now started seeing someone else so she felt she had a right to know he was shagging her as well. So of course she needed to be a victim here so that people would overlook the fact that she’s a cheat as well.

If what OP says about the sexual abuse is true then of course he’s a bastard. But she’s not a victim. She’s choosing to be one.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

I’m sorry why is that not an affair?

I wasnt saying it isn't.

The no referred to you saying it wad an affair that has recently turned toxic.

It hasn't redebtly become toxic, it's always been toxic and had recently become sexually violent resulting in injuries to op requiring medical treatment.

Anyway even if strictly an affair, its not a typical affair - it involves elements of abuse abd exploration of a sex abuse survivor and misuse of the already extremely abuse prone bdsm narrative.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

*exploitation.

There's also coercion/rape and blackmail involved here - affair is perhaps misrepresentation here.

[AlternativePerspective]

But then OP needs to end it. She shouldn’t have started it in the first place.

“My husband said that he can’t end the affair because he’s afraid of what she’ll do,” wouldn’t exactly get much sympathy here would it? The OP would be told that clearly the husband didn’t want to end the affair, and I suspect there is an element of that here as well, even if he is a bastard.

[SafeMove]

As someone who was sexually abused historically and then physically and sexually abused with coercive control within a marriage, that was high risk at MARAC this thread is exceptionally hard to read. In fact, I feel sick

You need to seperate out the cheating and the abuse. But you also need to come clean...to protect your DH, his GF and yourself. This is horrendous.

[WhiskeyGalore212]

The OP has said he wants her to be the Dom?

Her post said he wanted to try being sub for first time recently. It seemed v obvious that until that incident, op was "sub".

Though not really, because she's just been being abused.

And yes it sounds like he injured her after she did what he wanted and acted as "donm".