I’ve just done something really nasty haven’t I?

[Latenightfeelings]

My ex and I split a year and a half ago, right before the first lockdown and have stayed in contact ever since. Sometimes it was good contact other times we would argue but we always remained in contact. Neither of us found new relationships but both have seen people on and off.

Anyways, around two months ago ex and I started seeing each other casually, nothing official but spending time together and we slept together a couple of times. One of these times resulted in a pregnancy (I had the implant, which had come out of place) so although we assumed we were protected we were not. I was single at the time and thought ex was as well.

We ultimately decided against keeping the pregnancy and decided to terminate. Ex has been mostly supportive as much as he can, and has stayed around a lot before appts and been here a lot emotionally. And please do not judge, but we have slept together again yesterday. It’s been atrocious, a medical abortion followed by a D and C and lots of intervention surgically and emotions are really high.

Anyways, ex and I have not discussed one bit about getting back together but have been sleeping together etc and are going through this- and this is where I’ve been nasty and really regret what I’ve done.

Early this morning,1am, ex was lying next to me and his phone kept going off all night. It was so irritating and he sleeps through a hurricane. I picked it up and on the screen were messages from a girl, and even though I shouldn’t, I clicked on it and read a little through the thread.

He’s told her he was working away and missed her, couldn’t wait to see her and was sorry he was late because his car had broke, obviously all lies. But for some reason this triggered me, and I don’t know if it’s because we’d just slept together or what but I replied to her telling her the truth :( I’ve desperately tried to delete it but its an iMessage and I can’t get it back.

I know when ex awakens he will be furious. And I don’t know what to do. We are in our 30’s so not bloody teenagers!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

So you can only dob cheats in if they’re in a relationship eh?

Well yes really, because you can't cheat if you aren't in a relationship.

He's in a relationship though - with the other woman. So he is cheating, and OP doesn't want to be his affair partner ¯\(ツ)/¯

She probably deserved to know, but you’ve just ruined the amicable relationship with your ex. Only you can know if it is worth it.

[quote TatianaBis]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Entirely your own wild imaginings. 😂[/quote]
No actual response to anything I said then? Cool. Your prerogative to choose snark over substance!

I was prepared to be one of many he was sleeping with and he knew I thought he was single. I don’t know if the girl thought he was in an open relationship, they were exclusive or not

OP was by her own admission sleeping with him assuming she might be 'one of many' he was sleeping with.

She doesn't know if this woman feels the same as her and is ok with being 'one of many he is sleeping with' or if he's actually in an exclusive relationship. So we don't know if he is in one or not, do we?

Yes you did something nasty. He did something far nastier and you fought dirty rather than taking the moral high ground. You were hurting and you sought to hurt him too. There is no shame in this. One shouldn’t always play nice and fair amd color inside the lines. Yes you could have been dignified and restrained, but you weren’t. So what?

Hold your head high and move on from this mess.

The man was lying to the other woman about where he was and who he was with. Who knows how long he had been lying to her. Regardless if she thinks they are in an exclusive relationship or not he shouldn't be lying to her and I think the OP was right to tell the woman 'he's sleeping with me'. If I was other woman I'd want to know.

I think a 'nasty thing' OP would be telling the other woman you're married to the man and you have 3 children. Telling her you're having sex with him and he's lying about where he is right now is not nasty it's honest.

@Iamthewombat

All the posters assuring the OP that she’s done the right thing because telling the truth can never be wrong, etc:

Would you be happy and grateful if an acquaintance came up to you in the street and said, “Christ, you’ve put the beef on. You need to lose a couple of stone for your health”.

How about, “bloody hell, that dress looks cheap and nasty. I’m telling you for your own good”?

I assume that you would be delighted. After all, telling the truth can never be wrong, eh?

No, but I would love it if someone told me the man I thought was my boyfriend was cheating on me because NEWSFLASH people really really hate being cheated on.

He's an absolute shit.
You are both better off with out him.
However, that doesn't justify you going through his phone like that.

The best thing to do now would be to block him on everything so there can't be a repeat of the sex. He's just using you as a booty call and it is doing you and your self-esteem no good whatsoever.

@TatianaBis

It’s very bizarre values to think that because you’re involved with an ex partner ‘nothing official’ that you have no right to expect exclusivity and fidelity. No right to be upset that he’s cheating.

If you haven’t had the exclusivity discussion, in fact, if you haven’t actually discussed being in a relationship then nope, you can’t expect it. Who exactly is he cheating on? Certainly not OP, given that they aren’t in a relationship.

No, but I would love it if someone told me the man I thought was my boyfriend was cheating on me because NEWSFLASH people really really hate being cheated on.

1. The OP can’t assume that the other woman feels like this. She has no business delivering this sort of news to a stranger, and she is not in a relationship with this man.

1. The point was whether the oft-repeated “telling the truth can never be wrong” statement actually holds up. It doesn’t. We’ve established that the posters arguing for the axiomatic sanctity and righteousness of the truth don’t really mean it. What they mean is, “you can hide behind truth telling as an excuse if what you really want is to deliver revenge”.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Or you could just wake him up saying you think there might be an emergency so he needs to check his phone? Then support him if it's bad news?

If DH woke me in the middle of the night because he didn’t have the wit to check my phone to see if it was urgent I’d be peeved.

OP you did nothing wrong.

With the dating "rules" as arbitrary as they've become, and they all seem to benefit men, you owe him nothing.

There are no rules about telling her or not telling her. No rules about looking at his phone when it has annoyingly gone off all night.
I doubt you would have been having unprotected sex with him had you known he was seeing someone else. Yes, make these nasty ass men wear a condom every time.

If casual and open is all the rage, he wouldn't have had any issue saying hey Mary, I'm shacked up with OP and I can't talk right now but he didn't do that did he.
It's much more fun to sneak around and lie for him.

Hopefully he's gone for good. Block and delete him as I can't see any reason to have any more contact with him. He's not nice. Not even as a friend.

All this stiff upper lip, attempting to stuff any and all emotions down when it comes to shit men. No wonder women have so much anxiety and depression.

So OP don't feel a bit bad about what you've done. Much healthier than stuffing all your feelings in and not saying anything.

DameFanny you don't know if he's in a relationship, an open relationship or a fuck buddy situation.

I don't think it was just sex for OP, she wanted the relationship back.

@Hadjab

If you been in a relationship with someone for 8 years, and you’ve changed the rules or set the counter to nought, the onus is on you to let them know,

Or y’know mention that you’re seeing someone else.

@Biancadelrioisback

DameFanny you don't know if he's in a relationship, an open relationship or a fuck buddy situation.

The other women's reaction, his having lied to the other woman, plus his anger at OP for being honest with the other woman - all suggest that the other woman very much thought she was in a committed, loving relationship.

Why are so many people bending over backwards to make believe this piece of shit ex has done nothing wrong?

We’ve established that the posters arguing for the axiomatic sanctity and righteousness of the truth don’t really mean it. What they mean is, “you can hide behind truth telling as an excuse if what you really want is to deliver revenge”.

Not at all @Iamthewombat, you've made a false equivalence and an unjustified case for absolutism, and decided to mind-read a stranger's motivations.

Good for you OP, she deserves to know the truth.

However you need to get him out of your life. The only one really benefitting from this situation is him.

With the dating "rules" as arbitrary as they've become, and they all seem to benefit men, you owe him nothing.

Not privacy? Not courtesy? Not refraining from a spiteful act? What if she’d cut up all of his clothes, or done the cliched putting prawns under his carpet, or hired a hitman, for example? Would all of those things be permissible, because she owes him nothing?

I doubt you would have been having unprotected sex with him had you known he was seeing someone else.

The OP explicitly tells us that she knew that she was one of many.

If casual and open is all the rage, he wouldn't have had any issue saying hey Mary, I'm shacked up with OP and I can't talk right now but he didn't do that did he.

That he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with the OP doesn’t mean that he thinks the same way about every other woman. Let’s be clear, I’m not defending him. But you can’t unilaterally decide that because he is the OP’s f buddy, with her consent, that he is required by some odd logic to have an open relationship with every woman he meets.

All this stiff upper lip, attempting to stuff any and all emotions down when it comes to shit men. No wonder women have so much anxiety and depression.

I’m going to disagree with this (although you talk a good game). I’m more inclined to think that fixating on dead relationships, stewing over slights, seeking revenge for those slights and regretting them afterwards, effectively staying on the emotional rollercoaster of your own volition, is far more likely to upset your mental equilibrium. The OP could meet her mates and have a good cry, then dust herself off and move on. That would have been better than this.

Why are so many people bending over backwards to make believe this piece of shit ex has done nothing wrong?

Yay! Another square for my bingo card.

As I noted upthread, not one person has defended this man, because his conduct is indefensible. What we are discussing is whether the OP’s conduct was reasonable.

Dame I just have missed her reaction to the messages?

Have just scanned through and I can't see it, only his reaction to OP which yes indicates he's angry, but I would be if my fuck buddy went snooping through my phone while I was asleep.

I still think he's a piece of shit, but I don't think OP should have done what she did.

The fucker stayed to ensure you went through with the abortion and to get a leg up when the opportunity so arose.

You deserve so much better.

Who cares if he’s angry, hopefully the door smacks him in the arse on the way out and you can finally get the clean break you deserve.

Put him behind you OP. He will never bring any good.

@DameFanny

We’ve established that the posters arguing for the axiomatic sanctity and righteousness of the truth don’t really mean it. What they mean is, “you can hide behind truth telling as an excuse if what you really want is to deliver revenge”.

Not at all @Iamthewombat, you've made a false equivalence and an unjustified case for absolutism, and decided to mind-read a stranger's motivations.

Au contraire. The OP tells us in her first post what her motivations were. She acknowledges that she has done a bad thing. If she thought otherwise, and if her motivations had been different, she would have said, “AIBU for grassing up my cheating ex to a woman with whom he’d exchanged text messages, because I wanted to do her a favour?”

As for the false equivalence thing: that’s your opinion. With which I disagree.

If you're in a FWB / fuck buddy situation you can't be upset when your partner is seeing someone else.
You have no way of knowing if the other woman is his girlfriend or another casual FWB/fuck buddy.
Whilst I never did the casual thing myself, I understand that people do, and they're ok with it.
You had no right to message her - it was a nasty, petty thing to do and you were motivated by... jealousy? spite?

What a shit he is.