Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out. Gutted

129 replies

Newgirlontheblock · 16/07/2021 18:57

Hi I am new to Mumsnet but have read bits and bobs here and there.

I have just found out my partner has been lying about getting divorced and is in fact very much married.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

I need help in figuring out how to handle this.

Please help.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 16/07/2021 18:58

Oh no! How long had you been seeing him?

PersonaNonGarter · 16/07/2021 18:59

You block him and move on with your life.

Sorry, it is both that hard and that easy. Block. New life. Flowers

blacksax · 16/07/2021 19:02

Yes, block and move on.

If you have any hesitations, then remember he is a despicable, two-timing lying cheating scumbag. You're far better off without him.

PhillipPhillop · 16/07/2021 19:03

Honestly there's nothing to handle. Unless you are pregnant/have a child with him?

StepladderToHeaven · 16/07/2021 19:04

He's a cheating, lying bastard Angry

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/07/2021 19:09

Block and move on. There’s no relationship without trust.

thefirstmrsrochester · 16/07/2021 19:11

You thank your lucky stars you have found out what a low life lying cheat he is, block him on every platform, scream and punch some pillows, and then go on to live your best life.

Umberellatheweatha · 16/07/2021 19:12

First things first, if you intend to tell his wife, do it fast, before he has the chance to spin a lot of lies about you.

Be aware that he may be monitoring her online accounts so it might be wise to add to any message you send her that she is welcome to call and speak to you on * (ideally a burner phone). So that you know that if she replies, it is her you are talking to.

And sign off any message with something humble.

If however you think you wont want to tell her then that's ok too. Just block and delete the git on everything. Sorry you're going through this!

mum11970 · 16/07/2021 19:15

Is he married and living with his wife or married but separated? Many people don’t rush straight to the divorce courts even though they have no intention of getting back together.

Bagelsandbrie · 16/07/2021 19:36

@mum11970

Is he married and living with his wife or married but separated? Many people don’t rush straight to the divorce courts even though they have no intention of getting back together.
This.

I started to see my now dh whilst I was in the process of separating from my ex dh. Divorce is lengthy and expensive.

You need to find out exactly what’s going on.

JustCallMeBubblesDahling · 16/07/2021 19:37

Take it ‘very much married’ means he was cheating on his wife with you?

You handle it by cutting off contact immediately, telling his wife, (so you don’t carry any misplaced guilt and she’s aware of what a scumbag he is), take a few days to grieve and let your emotions out, then hold you head up high and move on.

Whatever you had was a lie so you’ve lost nothing Flowers.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 16/07/2021 20:54

Divorce is almost finalised. I’ve seen the filings as they are public, it’s dragged on for a few years - they’ve been separated for longer..

Found out they’re on a family holiday. Separate rooms apparently.

We all live in different countries work so they all met up, she came with the children.

Holiday is to keep things amicable as the children haven’t been told. Thats something I can’t comprehend.

I found out through bloody social media as I had a feeling something was off. My own fault.

He says he’s sorry he was embarrassed to tell me. I asked him if she went and he said no - I knew he was going with the children not her. They’ve always holidayed together for the children so he claims this is to keep it amicable as there is much at stake but was scared to tell me as this happened right in the beginning when we first started dating but promised he wouldn’t do anything without telling me and also that it wouldn’t be right as we were dating.

Fact is he lied again. Probably more than just this time.

I’m a giant mug and need to process this.

OP posts:
Pegsonstrings · 16/07/2021 22:29

He is a good liar. And clearly only saying sorry because you unraveled him. He will carry on lying to you. And that is huge red flag, he is not the person you thought he was is he? He is also lying to his wife and children. What a prize

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 16/07/2021 23:14

I am completely shocked as how blatantly he lied to me. Completely and totally shocked.

I don’t know him at all.

He want to meet soon as he doesn’t think anything has changed between us because he’s not done anything as they are not sleeping together. That’s is view. I am again shocked he can’t see how this can’t be anything but the end of things.

OP posts:
Dumpedwife · 17/07/2021 00:48

My husband is now with the woman he bullshitted a similar take to.
She thinks his name is Tom, as that was his sex hook up site name and what he calls himself to the women he hooks up with, but his real name is Paul.

She's been his bit on the side for 4 years due to some bullshit elaborate story as to why he was still sharing a house with me and our 3 kids. She recently found out his real name but is just going with it. He's told her Tom is his nick name and all his mates etc have always called him Tom🤔. Bullshit. He's Paul. Always has been.

Don't be like her. The longer you stay the harder it will be to let him go. I hate her, but can see she's been played well by the self centred bastard. She's in so deep now she can't let him go.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2021 00:57

If you have even one more conversation with him you are mad. Block him, right now, completely out of your life. All he will do is lie and lie again.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 07:51

What is confusing me is why are they on holiday as a family of the divorce is almost final. What am I missing here?

I asked him this very question and his answer was to keep things amicable, which makes absolutely no sense. I know there divorce is progressing, that’s never been a question but the holiday just completely goes against that.

Makes she wants to try and make another go of it was my thought, which would make sense.

I know there are sexless marriages but after this I can’t even give him the most basic benefit of the doubt. Lying little weasel!

What is apparent he is a manipulator and compulsive liar.

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 17/07/2021 07:59

They've been seperated longer than the divorce has dragged out, but the children don't know 🤔

I hope you have already blocked him on every possible way he can contact you. He will just spin another one, and another, and another.....

I am sorry OP. How long had you been seeing him?

Divebar2021 · 17/07/2021 07:59

Does he have his own place or does he also live with them? There are divorced people who holiday together although I’m not saying lying about it is cool. The fact the children don’t know is obviously very odd. I don’t think you need to buy a burner phone to inform her.. that seems to be next level. Just inform him you can’t handle the level of deceit and move on. Sorry OP.

isthismylifenow · 17/07/2021 08:01

@Dumpedwife

My husband is now with the woman he bullshitted a similar take to. She thinks his name is Tom, as that was his sex hook up site name and what he calls himself to the women he hooks up with, but his real name is Paul.

She's been his bit on the side for 4 years due to some bullshit elaborate story as to why he was still sharing a house with me and our 3 kids. She recently found out his real name but is just going with it. He's told her Tom is his nick name and all his mates etc have always called him Tom🤔. Bullshit. He's Paul. Always has been.

Don't be like her. The longer you stay the harder it will be to let him go. I hate her, but can see she's been played well by the self centred bastard. She's in so deep now she can't let him go.

Geez! I'm so sorry Dumped. But I am happy that you are free from these piece of shit.
cauliflowerkorma · 17/07/2021 08:04

There are a million ways to keep things amicable. Going on holiday together still as a family is an extreme one but not entirely unheard of. I'd be sceptical given the other lies.

Also if you are now his partner things that they have always done should be reviewed. And you do get a say. And surely this will have been part of their amicable agreement-ie until one of us gets a partner or it no longer works for one of us.

Does she even know about you?

ElderMillennial · 17/07/2021 08:11

I'm sorry op

Could the holiday have been booked before the separation?

Agree it's a problem he lied either way

AttaGirrrrl · 17/07/2021 08:16

I’m in the later stages of divorce with STBXH. I’d consider going on holiday with him. There is zero chance anything would happen between us though.

Major differences: our dc know we are separated (we’ve lived apart for over a year) and we both have new DP, who we would tell the truth to.

The issue isn’t the holiday. It’s the lying.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 08:19

The holiday was recently booked and no she has no idea.

They separated years ago and haven’t lived in the same country for over ten years but have still maintained appearances and gone on family holidays. Always with their children, to my knowledge that is.

The arrangement was reviewed and he swore he would be upfront and he would not do this again. Clearly absolutely nothing has changed in the slightest. His main point is he is getting divorced. That does give him the green light to do as he pleases when it suits him.

OP posts:
theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 17/07/2021 08:22

I actually did go on holiday with my then STBEXH and the kids. We were in the middle of the divorce and getting on ok and just wanted to give the kids one last holiday with us all four. Slept in seperate beds, no desire for anything to happen between us.
But I didn't lie about it to anyone else. He doesn't seem quite kosher to me OP, sorry.