Just found out. Gutted

[Newgirlontheblock]

Hi I am new to Mumsnet but have read bits and bobs here and there.

I have just found out my partner has been lying about getting divorced and is in fact very much married.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

I need help in figuring out how to handle this.

Please help.

@Newgirlontheblock

His main point is he is getting divorced. That does give him the green light to do as he pleases when it suits him.

he doesn’t think anything has changed between us

You've hit the nail on the head yourself OP, by saying that despite all his lies, he doesn't think anything has changed between you

And he really does think that because he's in the process of getting a divorce, he can do as he pleases !

What a total wanker !

So he can tell you lie after lie after lie, and that's OK ??
He can tell his Ex and kids lie after lie after lie, and that's also OK ??

So, as far as he's concerned, he can (and does) do whatever the hell he likes, and you're not even supposed to be 'upset' about it ??

Run a bloody mile from this conceited prick !!

And if you wanted to make sure the Ex knew all about how long you've been in a 'relationship' with her H, who would bloody blame you !

Is there an age or power gap (financial, emotional, status etc) in your relationship with your "D"P?

There is an age gap of 17 years so his children are not small they are young adults which makes it even more ridiculous.

When I said if he doesn’t come clean with everyone I will, there was no aggression or threats just that he needs to stop the facade, his response was it would mess up the divorce paperwork and it needs to stay amicable as there is much at stake, he wants things to be very fair considering the long separation which is being discounted in terms of dividing things. Anyway irrelevant details maybe.

I mean honestly the man only cares about himself.

I am just struggling get my head around the lying. It’s all been a series of lies and I stupidly thought after I found out about the precious lying he was in fact just scared to tell me as I’d leave. I suppose he doesn’t care about me enough not to lie.

He probably slept with her on holiday. He’s lying to you constantly, who wants a liar. Just get rid and save an awful future with him

I am not surprised that he is 17 years old than you.

You have been played since day one.

I hope that you were not planning to have children with this character.

His whole separation / divorce stuff is a fiction - dont bother outing him - he doesnt deserve your headspace. Preserve your dignity. Block. Delete. Rage in private and move on. Reflect on how many red flags there may have been throughout your relationship and learn from that for next time.

Do you live with him or have any financial ties? What practical steps do you need to take? Have you a broad base of emotional support with family and friends?

You’re right, I’ve no evidence to suggest that hasn’t been the case all along.

Why would she go if there was no intimacy, she wouldn’t and as I mentioned the children are grown up.

It’s confusing as his lies have made things illogical. I’ll never get a straight answer and I can’t be bothered to ask as again there is no point in feeding his already enormous ego.

@Sssloou

Why aren’t you surprised? I wasn’t an affair, god I hope not.

I’ve seen the divorce filings, that is real. They’ve been living apart for years, so that’s true too.

No, no financial ties dependencies or future children none of that.

I’ll never get a straight answer and I can’t be bothered to ask as again there is no point in feeding his already enormous ego.

Seems that you know what you are dealing with. He would get a thrill out of you getting angry - dont give him that.

There will always be a reason he does not leave. The dc, waiting until they finish education, finances, house, illness, family crisis .... In the end it boils down to a lack of commitment to you and his convenience. Whether they still sleep together or not , his connection to his wife and family is stronger than to you, sorry. He does not want it to change.

I'm a bit confused you said he lied about getting divorced & then said it was in final stages did he tell you he was already divorced. Also how long have you been with him. If only a couple of months then why should he change what he normally does for hols for a relationship that may not last. He should have been upfront with you tho.

They don’t live together @LIZS so he left years ago. Well apparently and the divorce is almost settled, it’s the fact he went on holiday and didn’t tell me she would be going. He told me it was just with his children.

Why go on holiday if you’re divorcing to keep it amicable the two are not dependent on each other.

I went on holiday with my XH and young adult DC, it was fun, also went before the divorce was finalised. The marriage was dead but the friendship endured. No 'intimacy', why would we?

The problem here is the lying and manipulation. He's not a keeper OP

He is a player.

He chose to live / work in a different country to his wife and children for at least 10 years - why? Because hes a player.

He chose someone 17 years younger than him - why? Power, control and manipulation.

Him silencing you and erasing your existence has likely zero impact on the financial impact of the divorce. Seems he has strung out the divorce until his kids are too old for maintenance.

He may not live there in the conventional sense but if you work in different countries that is a rather convenient circumstance. He definitely has not "left" emotionally or practically. How much time does he spend with you, could there be others involved?

Lying is a red flag. It's controlling. In this case on a pretty big scale.

Controlling you by not telling you the truth. Controlling his almost adult DC by not telling them the truth. And you can bet controlling his stbExW by not telling her the truth either.

Everyone being lied to and manipulated.

Get out.

Yes @Highlights12 he lied in terms of where is was in the process it was much earlier on than he made out they had discussed it and agreed to divorce and were starting the paperwork but it’s only being formally finalised now and it will officially be a divorce in the next couple of months. There is a final date set but it’s dragged on.

We’ve been together for two years

I met someone like this once - not a thing that came out of his mouth was the truth - he lied about EVERYTHING - and he was shit in bed too - I suspect yours is lie after lie after lie - get rid and count your lucky stars

@LIZS

He may not live there in the conventional sense but if you work in different countries that is a rather convenient circumstance. He definitely has not "left" emotionally or practically. How much time does he spend with you, could there be others involved?

My thoughts as well. Could well be another OW.

Also OP worried that she might have unwittingly been OW throughout.

He lies and you accept him lying. Block and ghost. If it was me I’d screen shot our entire relationship and then send it to the wife with NO comment and disengage. It’s vile. Do not engage with him

What other relationships has he had in the 10 years he has been living in another country away from his wife an children?

Him working away is a fairly recent thing, it’s project based.

Anyway, sure, if there is me there could be others of course.

He sounded so pathetic when I last spoke to him as he tried to convince me not rocking the boat meant we could but some house somewhere and live happily ever after and go here there and everywhere. He’s also under a tremendous amount of pressure at the moment the poor dear. He wants out, wants to be with me I need to be patience as it’s almost done and then everything with be just great blah blah blah maybe she is used to this from him who knows all I know is he is lying through his teeth.

I knew something wasn’t right all week. Gut feeling.

He had two short term long distance relationships which is also lied about - he told me he had been 100% on his own in the years they separated. Can’t remember how he ended up telling me in the end.

There are so many lies here. He lies about still being married, even though the divorce is still going through.
Lied about going away and the ex wife is also on the holiday.
For some strange reason, they're lying to their kids. They've been separated for years so why still lie to the children?

He can be deceitful so easily and this would really worry me. He could have just been honest with you about the holiday and discussed it with you first.

Sorry if you've already answered this, but how long have the two of you been together?

No actually there was a third but that was even more short lived. They probably figured out what a shitbag he is- I was a clearly little slower on the uptake

@SayWhatNow002 two years

Yes lying to their children is odd. The children he claims have various issues. They’re all very spoiled in my opinion so no issues other than overly indulged but I don’t care about that I’m not their mother and it’s nothing to do with me - I just tire of hearing about it from him.

I am utterly shocked at how easily he lied yestrday when I caught him out. In fact it’s scary because I now have to assume everything he’s said was a lie.