Just found out. Gutted

[Newgirlontheblock]

Hi I am new to Mumsnet but have read bits and bobs here and there.

I have just found out my partner has been lying about getting divorced and is in fact very much married.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

I need help in figuring out how to handle this.

Please help.

Thank you I have just sent him that and told him it will be dealt with today one way or another whether he likes it or not

I have just found out my partner has been lying about getting divorced and is in fact very much married.

He isn't your partner.

@FatOaf this is in fact sadly true isn’t it. I am horrified this is the situation I’m in. Let myself be in because I ignored the obvious really didn’t I.

He is very convincing though

@SirGawain judgemental over his children's behaviour and wife. She can judge him all she likes. Op think you need to pack your stuff while he is away and move on.

I know a wife in a similar situation. I have no idea what is going on. But I reckon there are some dodgy business matters that she could disclose so she has the upperhand. He keeps her sweet and pretends nothing is going on behind the scenes.

This happened to me. Block, delete, move on and be thankful you don’t have any further ties to him. If he’s lied so easily about something so fundamental he will lie time and time again to get what he wants. You will never know what the truth is - he will make up version after version. I’d strongly advice you to take what you know at face value, walk away and don’t try and tie yourself in knots unravelling it. Although I will bet money he’s been with the wife in some capacity for the whole time you’re known him, and he’s lying just as hard to her as he is to you. And he’s enjoying the power too.

You’re not a mug, he is the only person in the wrong here.

If he has told you this many,serious lies in 2 years, just imagine what lies he's told his wife who has been linked to him for many many years??? For some reason he needs to "handle" his wife. The only reason I imagine for that is that he will benefit greatly in some way.
That poor woman probably doesn't know which way is up.

Rock the boat if you want to, why should you care what happens to him, he certainly didn't give a shit about your feelings.

One of my male friends goes on holiday with his ex and their children and has done for 10 years. Twice a year- summer and skiing

Apparently 2 adults costs not much more than 1 due to rooms and children ages and they both get a bit of time off. They found 2 young (at the time) children a bit too much hard work when they went alone with them the 1st year.

He lies. End it.

He claims everything he hass done whilst wrong is not that bad as they have / had absolutely no sex life. I had to hear through him her complaints about it at one point.

That’s his justification for everything as long as they aren’t sleeping together it doesn’t matter it will all work out once the divorce papers are signed.

Well he doesn’t seem to concerned about dealing with the mess he has just made by turning my life upside down so that sends a clear message - clearer than the lies he happy to tell me and the disrespect

And there lies the problem he thinks it's not that bad. Well news flash it is. If you allow him to continue with this he'll think his behaviour is ok. You deserve better and he needs to be kicked to the kerb. Who knows what else he's lying about.

I don't understand your posts ? you say you did not know he was married but you were going to get your own home when he was divorced ?

I don't think its the situation, because some couples do take a long time to divorce and some do go on holiday and stay amicable for the children .

Its the lies you have to deal with . Why did he not tell you his very much ex ( you admit they have been separated for years ) was going to be on the holiday ? Was it because you would have been angry ? In other words you don't trust him ?

@Newgirlontheblock

We don’t live together because and I’m in a decent financial position and I also have my own children. The plan was to live together once he was divorced because I refused to live with him otherwise.

When was this planned? If you thought he was already divorced didnt this seem an odd thing for him to say?

A red flag here is that he doesnt want you to contact his wife to tell her about the relationship you have? Is it possible his wife thinks he is working abroad and the holiday was a make or break deal for them?

No he honestly doesn’t think he’s done anything too wrong as as long as he has everyone positioned where he wants them and nobody is any the wiser (his take - he’s trying to keep everyone happy) then everything is fine and it will all be ok in the end once his objectives are met.

Whether he is sleeping with his wife, at this point really is irrelevant although that’s would be quite disgusting if he was as well as with me.

@Unsure33 he had started the process when we met but made it seem they were much further along in the process. They weren’t.

That’s my issues yes the lying, if there was absolute transparency with everyone there would not be an issue as then everyone could decide what they were comfortable with.

Yes, that’s also my question if they have been separated for years and almost divorced why does it matter. This is what I can’t understand, I originally though because they divorce was almost done it would be fine just to let things be but as I slowly discovered things weren’t how he had described.

Hope that makes sense.

There are divorced people who holiday together although I’m not saying lying about it is cool

I also know parents who do this, to keep some steadiness for the children. However, I'm not saying it's all ok in this case. Just that it's not completely impossible.

I agree @Carrotinthesky obviously there needs to be absolute trust and transparency. Which he has failed in on all accounts.

So does the wife know about you?

It's one thing to be separated, or even divorced, and still holiday as a family unit for the kids sake....but from what I'm reading, I wouldn't be surprised if you were the Other Woman and the story was "Daddy works away" and the poor wife has never known her husband is a cheating scum bag. Maybe he doesn't want to mess up the paperwork, because they're agreeing a mutual decision divorce, rather than adultery - I'm betting she hasn't a clue about you, especially that you've been together for years.

So sorry.

Horrible to find this out OP. No wonder you feel betrayed. Some people seem to lie so easily, so selfish.

I holidayed with my ex husband and spent Christmas and children’s birthday with them. We did it so the children would realise that people who once loved each other could still respect each other and be friends when not in a marriage. It was unusual-colleagues asked me what was the point of being divorced-as if holidays and Christmas meant yOu had the same intimacy. He may just be scared of telling you as most people think it strange and some refuse to believe there’s no relationship there. He may of course just be lying and stringing you along-in which case dump him.

He didn’t want to disclose anything right from the beginning as the divorce was imminent - I mentioned the timeline and delays - and it’s now dragged on and he says not to rock the boat as yes it’s mutual, amicable and out of court agreements blah blah blah and almost done.

The fact of the matter is none of what he’s told me makes any sense whatsoever. I wouldn’t have any questions if he was being upfront.

I naively now see he’s told me a lot of nonsense as he was adamant he would never go away without being completely honest about it.

@Subbaxeo yes this is fine and I agree with this as it’s best for the children but he never speaks about her fondly like they are friends he speaks about her like someone to manage so why go away with someone you feel that way about. It’s the tone he uses. That’s what I fail to understand.

@Newgirlontheblock I mean no still-married men at all regardless of whether they spin you a good line or not.

Why would she go if there was no intimacy

There are many reasons. I've been places with my exh for convenience and company and because we still get on very well. Absolutely NO hint of intimacy. People can grow apart without falling out.

Again, I'm not making excuses for this man, just pointing out that there are many reasons other than sex, for his ex wife to find convenience in joint holiday with children.

@Funk2funky

He probably slept with her on holiday. He’s lying to you constantly, who wants a liar. Just get rid and save an awful future with him

After ten years separation that’s highly unlikely. It’s the lies that are the issue here.