Just found out. Gutted

[Newgirlontheblock]

Hi I am new to Mumsnet but have read bits and bobs here and there.

I have just found out my partner has been lying about getting divorced and is in fact very much married.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

I need help in figuring out how to handle this.

Please help.

He’s lied to you! He a liar. Liars are not worth keeping. Dump his sorry arse as soon as possible.

You are worth more than that.

He’s a liar! Just keep reminding yourself of that when he try’s to convince you that he needs to be in your life.

He’s a liar

At least now you can get away from him. Good luck!

This man's twisting and turning reminds me of OLD scammers
I've come across online.

You can’t have any relationship with a lying lier.
Block and move on to better things

I know I've made this comparison before, but this reminds me of the Stepford Wives. I'm sure I'm not spoiling the plot for anyone after all these years when I remind you that the wives were disposed of and replaced by humanoid robots. At the end our heroine is cornered by the evil scientist with a syringe and by her own robot doppelganger with a knife. The scientist tells her just to give it up, it'll all be fine. Well for him, and the husband, it will all be fine. Husband will have a totally obedient robot who never ages or gets headaches and the scientist will be paid a very large amount of money (again). But for her it won't be fine because she'll be dead. The little distinction there seemed to mean nothing; he spoke as though it was a perfectly reasonable situation that she should go along with and couldn't understand why she was making it all harder.

This is how it is with someone who believes that it doesn't matter what he says as long as it works. This is the very essence of narcissism, or perhaps I should say solipsism - the world only exists from his perspective. Other people are just scenery. You love or discard them according to what they can do for you because that's what they're for. There is no healthy relationship to be had with someone like that. (Echoes of certain current and former politicians spring to mind.)

oh no :-/ he sounds like he created the perfect backstory for doing whatever he wants to do. He's getting a divorce, yeh, true, but he carries on doing the family thing, but yet, his wife knows they're getting a divorce so he owes her no honesty or transparency either.

Run.

A huge hug for you. How awful. You need to look after yourself now. He's lied about the most basic thing in relationship and isn't worth your trust, love and is not worth your future. A huge number of blokes do this. It's an awful shaming feeling, but the shame is all his. You know in your gut what you should do. Trust your instincts.

He's a liar. If he's lied about this, what else has he (or would he) lie about? You can't trust him - this would be a deal-breaker for me.

I love the stepford wife analogy. It’s very fitting.
Seems this is common amongst certain types of personalities.

God I’ve had too much coffee and have a headache.

I think, he would like about anything to not as he puts it rock the boat.

At least there is no leverage he has over me although he has tried with the future faking I want a house and new life somewhere amazing with you. Great but what about the underlying resentment and disgust that doesn’t go away.

I’ve traded one narcissist for another - this one was unfortunately quite smart but not quite enough to get away with everything. I dread to think what else I don’t know about because of course without evidence it never happened!

I’m embarrassed and will never ever tell anyone about this as I’m sure people have been kind in not saying anything in real life.

OP - you sound very emotional and all out for war.
However - it’s only been a relationship of two years - and you started off knowing that his wasn’t a simple situation.

Be emotional and hurt all you want. Leave him, etc. But - it’s not your place to be this demanding and judgemental.

I don’t know what his divorce situation is - but just don’t get involved. It’s not your place and not for you to understand.

You seem to want to lash out just to cause damage and hurt.
Grow up. Calm down and leave.

Hmmm yes I am emotional I introduced my children to someone based on a false pretence after a year of being hesitant because I wanted them to be secure.

Should I calm down dear too - you’ll tell me I’m being irrational now I suppose.

Ah I just saw you did say calm down.

Sigh.

But you’re right to be fair - leaving is the only option and no I’m not lashing out beyond being angry on here.

Which is helping.

Might be best to get an STI test in case he's been lying about other stuff too. Hope you leave him and everything works out for you.

Were you able to invest in professional support after your marriage broke down before you met this guy? If not, now might be the time to do that. Don’t blame yourself for trusting - he’s obviously a good liar - but seems that maybe you already had the measure of him in your gut?

I hear you @Carrotinthesky and that I can understand and that is acceptable of course, I couldn’t rightfully have an issue with that scenario.

It’s the lying, that’s what I cannot come to terms with but I think that’s uncontested by all the lovely supportive posts.

Not only the lies but the arrogant assumption that even if you knew you would put up and shut up, because he is so special.

@LIZS thank you, you’ve hit the nail on the head, I have been trying to figure out what that feeling of, it’s not frustration, but something else and you’ve just put it so well.

OP - I was referring to you saying his W needs to find out now so you can gain control. And it must happen today.
Grow up and calm down was about that.

As you said yourself - you know the divorce is real and happening imminently. None of us, you including know the details of settlement or what the situation actually is around their agreement. So - really - why would you need to get in there and potentially unravel things?
Just to get revenge? It won’t make you feel any better.

All of this seem so OTT and complicated. And you do sound judgemental about his children. And really jealous and irrational about his exW.
To an uninvolved observer it’s obvious that after years of separation and living lives in different countries - a ‘family’ vacation tradition isn’t a threat to anything. Who knows why they kept it up - but they did. And - if he wanted to be with his exW - he’d not be divorcing.
But you seem to think she is after your man and your posts are quite emotional. And OTT as if you have been somehow really wronged.

While in reality - you took a gamble of dating a man who was still married.

@Newgirlontheblock

Divorce is almost finalised. I’ve seen the filings as they are public, it’s dragged on for a few years - they’ve been separated for longer..

Found out they’re on a family holiday. Separate rooms apparently.

We all live in different countries work so they all met up, she came with the children.

Holiday is to keep things amicable as the children haven’t been told. Thats something I can’t comprehend.

I found out through bloody social media as I had a feeling something was off. My own fault.

He says he’s sorry he was embarrassed to tell me. I asked him if she went and he said no - I knew he was going with the children not her. They’ve always holidayed together for the children so he claims this is to keep it amicable as there is much at stake but was scared to tell me as this happened right in the beginning when we first started dating but promised he wouldn’t do anything without telling me and also that it wouldn’t be right as we were dating.

Fact is he lied again. Probably more than just this time.

I’m a giant mug and need to process this.

Separate room my ass. The only way to handle this is to cut all contact with him and move on. Block him on everything and delete his number so you can’t contact him either.

I’m not jealous of his wife and the phrase ‘my man’ makes me cringe. You’re way off on all accounts but that’s fine if that’s how it comes across. His wife doesn’t need to find out but this charade needs to end today is what I mean. Obviously that’s not a realistic expectation, as I said venting here has helped. I did take a gamble you’re correct, based on believing certain thing I took to be fact because I assumed he wasn’t outright lying to me.

@EleanorOlephantisjustfine yes I think that too at this point but neither here nor there - he’s blatantly lied and lied and lied.

My Man is very cringeworthy.

6 years post divorce here

Go on my holiday with my ex and the children every year since divorce

It’s lovely actually. Separate rooms obviously but nice to share the load and on the evenings we have a glass of wine and a chat.

No tension or arguing whatsoever as we know that in a matter of days - we go back to our own homes

Neither of us would ever lie about it
No reason to
Unless I was with someone prone to jealousy. In which case I’d wrap that relationship much sooner than I’d wrap up lovely family holidays with my ex!!

@Newgirlontheblock

Yes *@Highlights12* he lied in terms of where is was in the process it was much earlier on than he made out they had discussed it and agreed to divorce and were starting the paperwork but it’s only being formally finalised now and it will officially be a divorce in the next couple of months. There is a final date set but it’s dragged on.

We’ve been together for two years

Divorce can take ages

How long are we talking here?

All sounds very dramatic.

So he's almost divorced, lived apart from ex in another country for over 10 years.
He's now been on holiday with the kids and she joined them. She's the kids mother, so that makes sense. They will always be their parents and be at events involving them together if they are amicable.

But he lied to you about it, presumably as he knows you'd take it badly, he was right. Does the wife know about you? Presumably she likely has her own relationship back home.

So end it. Go your separate ways, too much drama. He will soon be officially single and you can both find different partners.