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Original poster

Just found out. Gutted

129 replies

Newgirlontheblock · 16/07/2021 18:57

Hi I am new to Mumsnet but have read bits and bobs here and there.

I have just found out my partner has been lying about getting divorced and is in fact very much married.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach.

I need help in figuring out how to handle this.

Please help.

OP posts:
Limer · 17/07/2021 09:45

How do you know their divorce is almost finalised?

When is he planning to tell his children - when he actually is divorced?

He's a grade-A bullshitter.

Flibbitygibbit · 17/07/2021 09:46

My ex and I have been divorced for years. Before he met his second wife we went on holiday as a family (separate rooms) me and my kids in one, him in another room. NO hanky panky. Just a week in the same hotel. He didn’t even breakfast with us most days.

What I’m saying is that a separated / divorced couple can holiday together for the kids (mine weren’t little either, older teens ) so that part I feel is ok.

However if you’ve not been to his place, met his family or friends or his kids then maybe that’s a red flag. I’d tell him to get in touch with you when he’s got the whole divorce thing sorted. If he doesn’t , then you know, in which case fuck him off !

Sssloou · 17/07/2021 09:49

Seems he has had multiple affairs / relationships and has lied to you on many occasions that you now know about .... assume then everything has been a lie because you dont know anything about this person. Especially the "future faking" - ie keep quiet and we will have a nice little house and live happily ever after.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 09:50

I have seen the official filings as he sent them to me and they are online so that part is actually true - I’m now wondering if maybe it’s just a financial reason for the divorce.

I’ve spent every free moment I have at his home which is where I live - he is working in a project abroad as I said - they are not holidaying there.

Yes, he will tell then after it’s done. Highly manipulative I agree.

OP posts:
LIZS · 17/07/2021 09:51

Have you met his dc, been introduced to his family, been included on his sm? You seem very judgemental based purely on the words of a known liar.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 09:53

Judgemental how? In the gentlest way, have you been in a similar situation but in a different capacity?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 09:54

No I’ve not met them as I said, they live abroad and the whole point is he has kept this all below radar.

OP posts:
SprayedWithDettol · 17/07/2021 09:59

He isn’t very original with his bullshit. Dump and move on. You will never have peace living with a liar. If they can lie so easily about this holiday, imagine how easy other lies are. “I’m having dinner with a colleague…” “It’s a business trip but I have to leave on Friday to prepare for Monday (nice weekend jaunt) …” “the money was resting in my account…”. Ok the last one was Father Ted, but you get the idea.

I’ve been there OP, I’m not just joking. I got out.

Sssloou · 17/07/2021 10:01

So there are 3 countries involved? You live with him in one country but he works away in another country?

Lots of short relationships "since" he has been "separated" - I would suggest that his MO is having different women in different ports.

But I suspect you know that deep down.

Are you logistically and financially able to move out? Do you have emotional support where you live now - friends and family.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:04

We don’t live together because and I’m in a decent financial position and I also have my own children. The plan was to live together once he was divorced because I refused to live with him otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:07

He is abroad temporarily and I can visit anytime restrictions allowing. He’s worked there a lot over the years and has business ties. So I think that’s an aside. I think.

I’ve now been told he will respect my wish for him not to call but I can call anytime. I must run after him then must I. I don’t want to be angry as it’s so energy consuming but I’m just so shocked he thinks he’s done nothing wrong except not ‘be upfront’

OP posts:
Sssloou · 17/07/2021 10:08

@Newgirlontheblock

We don’t live together because and I’m in a decent financial position and I also have my own children. The plan was to live together once he was divorced because I refused to live with him otherwise.
Glad to hear that you are sorted yourself practically and financially.

Has he met your children?

He's a liar and player.

You have been lied to and played to repeatedly.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:09

Yes he’s met my children and we’ve been away together

OP posts:
Sssloou · 17/07/2021 10:14

Of course you can be angry - you are angry - let that rage out.

Whether you want to give him the pleasure of your anger and chasing him and ultimately that you and your children be hurt by this is a different behavioral choice.

He is a liar. Why does he have to lie?

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:17

He’s a spineless coward who only does what serves him best is my guess.

At his age I’m disgusted that he can’t understand the damage he is doing. He wonders why his children behave the way they do but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree it seems. I have to sympathise with their constant plights and not say a thing, I have to feel sorry for him because his wife is apparently so difficult- we go away with someone who is so difficult. It goes on.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 17/07/2021 10:24

I'm exhausted and confused reading all of this op. I'd walk away. Too much drama that serves no one.

SirGawain · 17/07/2021 10:25

@LIZS

Have you met his dc, been introduced to his family, been included on his sm? You seem very judgemental based purely on the words of a known liar.
Judgemental: From the way the OP has been treated and lied to she's justified in being judge, jury and executioner.
GrandmasCat · 17/07/2021 10:27

Careful of those “financial reasons”, sometimes money is thicker than blood.

I have a friend who was separated from her ex but continue to live together for years. They would go on holidays together for the sake of the son. They lived separate lives and had their own partners… and a little unwritten agreement on the side to never fully divorce or marry anyone else to ensure that if either died whatever they put together would go to their adult son.

whynotwhatknot · 17/07/2021 10:32

why would he be going on holiday for the kids-theyre not young theyre not stupid either

hes lying to someone

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:33

Well according to him it’s all for financial reasons as they have reached an out of court settlement and need the judge to sign it off - if there are questions it becomes messy. I honestly don’t care but have been told I should.

I want to tell her now because I want some power back. According to him she is being difficult about things so he doesn’t want to rock the boat. I don’t believe any of it after yesterday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:34

@whynotwhatknot yes, me Sad

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 17/07/2021 10:35

So basically he's hiding you. Who on earth goes on holiday with their young adult children pretending to be something they are not. I don't believe him for a second. All red flags and the fact he's lying about it should make you run

me4real · 17/07/2021 10:36

You have caught him out in various lies in the past, so it's not like it's just this one.

The plan was to live together once he was divorced because I refused to live with him otherwise.

I know it's easy to say and a lot of people are separated and would be fine to date, but it's probably best to say no involvement with men who are still technically married, at all.

As sometimes they go back to their wives, or there's drama etc.

Original poster
Newgirlontheblock · 17/07/2021 10:39

@Chocolate123 so what do you think is going on?

@me4real I wholeheartedly agree - he spun a very different story in the beginning about his set up - no mention of cosy holidays that came out later

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 17/07/2021 10:50

@Newgirlontheblock I think he's having his cake and eating it. He's sleeping with his wife playing happy families and has you hidden in the background. I don't believe him for a minute.