Please no one berate me for this, as I already feel bad enough, but looking for advice.
I'm in a long term relationship, and have young children. We're due to marry next year, and on the surface I thought everything was fine, until over the past couple of months, I seem to have fallen for a much older man. We have been messaging, mainly to do with a common interest, and it started completely innocent, but now I have developed feelings for him (and I think this is mutual), I know we must stop talking, but I'm finding it so difficult, and it seems to have made me realise the many flaws in my relationship. There has been alot of passive aggressiveness between my partner and I, and we don't seem to really get on most of the time. I must admit I am often grumpy and have a short fuse with him, which I think boils down to my own frustrations with the lack of sex and passion in our relationship. He's never been very affectionate or complimentary, and it does get me down. I'm not trying to blame him, or excuse myself, but these factors have played a big part in how I feel right now... It obviously feels nice to finally get attention and compliments from someone. What do I do? I was the one who pushed for the wedding, maybe out of desperation to "prove our love", and now I'm getting cold feet and keep thinking about how I'm not actually that happy. He's a good man, works hard, loves me and the kids, Nd on paper gives us a great life, but I genuinely don't think he sees me as anything more than the mother to his children, and cannot separate family life, from me and him as an intimate couple, so it just never happens. I have told him how I feel on numerous occasions and he does admit he doesn't show me enough attention, then he "tries harder" for a few days, but it feels so forced, it's just humiliating, and then it goes back to the same old situation, of me feeling sorry for myself. I've given up waiting for him to "come on" to me, and often try to take the lead, but he's so unreceptive, and dejects me time and time again, so again I'm left feeling like a fool, frustrated and fed up. I feel so torn on what to do. I'm not naïve, I don't think this "other man" is my knight in shining armour, here to whisk me away for a better life, but the thought of potentially one day becoming intimate with him, is the only thing keeping me smiling if I'm honest. It's become like an addiction talking to him, even about the most mundane of things. One of us will throw in an extremely subtle bit of flirtation and my heart is racing. I feel so terrible, and I know how wrong I am for even thinking about another man in this way, as my partner works so hard to provide an idyllic lifestyle for us. Feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now.