Older man

[NotJustfriends]

Please no one berate me for this, as I already feel bad enough, but looking for advice.
I'm in a long term relationship, and have young children. We're due to marry next year, and on the surface I thought everything was fine, until over the past couple of months, I seem to have fallen for a much older man. We have been messaging, mainly to do with a common interest, and it started completely innocent, but now I have developed feelings for him (and I think this is mutual), I know we must stop talking, but I'm finding it so difficult, and it seems to have made me realise the many flaws in my relationship. There has been alot of passive aggressiveness between my partner and I, and we don't seem to really get on most of the time. I must admit I am often grumpy and have a short fuse with him, which I think boils down to my own frustrations with the lack of sex and passion in our relationship. He's never been very affectionate or complimentary, and it does get me down. I'm not trying to blame him, or excuse myself, but these factors have played a big part in how I feel right now... It obviously feels nice to finally get attention and compliments from someone. What do I do? I was the one who pushed for the wedding, maybe out of desperation to "prove our love", and now I'm getting cold feet and keep thinking about how I'm not actually that happy. He's a good man, works hard, loves me and the kids, Nd on paper gives us a great life, but I genuinely don't think he sees me as anything more than the mother to his children, and cannot separate family life, from me and him as an intimate couple, so it just never happens. I have told him how I feel on numerous occasions and he does admit he doesn't show me enough attention, then he "tries harder" for a few days, but it feels so forced, it's just humiliating, and then it goes back to the same old situation, of me feeling sorry for myself. I've given up waiting for him to "come on" to me, and often try to take the lead, but he's so unreceptive, and dejects me time and time again, so again I'm left feeling like a fool, frustrated and fed up. I feel so torn on what to do. I'm not naïve, I don't think this "other man" is my knight in shining armour, here to whisk me away for a better life, but the thought of potentially one day becoming intimate with him, is the only thing keeping me smiling if I'm honest. It's become like an addiction talking to him, even about the most mundane of things. One of us will throw in an extremely subtle bit of flirtation and my heart is racing. I feel so terrible, and I know how wrong I am for even thinking about another man in this way, as my partner works so hard to provide an idyllic lifestyle for us. Feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now.

Forget the other man. You would be a fool to marry your partner. The marriage would be doomed to fail. Cancel the wedding, block the other man, and move on with a clean slate.

I'd say it's been an issue from quite early on, maybe a few years in I could tell he wasn't as keen on sex as I was. But busy lives, house moves, plans to do x y z, and knowing I had a decent man, who is kind, pulls his weight and works hard, I guess took over and blindsighted me into creating this perfect life with the perfect family house, a dog, a cat and two kids, and now I'm here (not regretting those choices one bit, my kids and pets are my world) but feeling severely short-changed in the bedroom department, and wondering if I can really stand there and say "I do", knowing this is it forever and how the lack of sex will probably only go more downhill in the years to come..

So this older man has a wife who he’s bored with huh and he’d like to trade her in for a newer younger ( no doubt ) model who can look after him into his old age
How long has this older man been with his wife . What is her story with him ie children , what would her side of this be ?

And yes it sounds like you should not proceed with the current man you are with but certainly this doesn’t mean you should be with the other man
How about being single for a year or two ?

Well if it's not a day in day out work scenario, hopefully when this special thing he has arranged for you has ended, you can begin to step back.

All your energies are being directed to this OM where they should be with your husband. Don't fall for any negative talk on his behalf with his wife and don't disclose your marriage problems.

Sometimes you don't know what you have till it's gone, surely if you feel your problems are predominently sexual then gaining an older man defeats the object.

You need to think about how you would feel if this OM was not on the scene, would you still feel dissatified with your husband to the point of separating or would you be more inclined to work things out.

You have an opportunity to save your marriage, I would try that instead of having an affair.

By the way you are already having an affair, how would you feel if your husband was currently doing the same with a female colleague of his.

Pull this back, who knows what this man is saying to his colleagues at work about you, men do talk.

@Onthedunes

Well if it's not a day in day out work scenario, hopefully when this special thing he has arranged for you has ended, you can begin to step back.

All your energies are being directed to this OM where they should be with your husband. Don't fall for any negative talk on his behalf with his wife and don't disclose your marriage problems.

Sometimes you don't know what you have till it's gone, surely if you feel your problems are predominently sexual then gaining an older man defeats the object.

You need to think about how you would feel if this OM was not on the scene, would you still feel dissatified with your husband to the point of separating or would you be more inclined to work things out.

You have an opportunity to save your marriage, I would try that instead of having an affair.

By the way you are already having an affair, how would you feel if your husband was currently doing the same with a female colleague of his.

Pull this back, who knows what this man is saying to his colleagues at work about you, men do talk.

This … Very solid advice

@NotJustfriends

I wouldn't try or want to break up his relationship with his wife, I wouldn't do that to another woman. I know we shouldn't be talking as frequently as we do, and the flirty comments are obviously us both taking it a step too far. Doesn't stop me having this wild fantasy that life would be great if we became intimate together, but no one finds out, and that way "everyone is happy"... I know that is absolutely crazy, as in reality it wouldn't happen like that, and as I said, I wouldn't want to risk breaking up two relationships, for my own selfish desires. I can't lie that I do think about it often though. I imagine kissing him and it makes my heart race. I just can't see me ever "getting over" these feelings for him, and I guess that's what I'm struggling with the most. I can't see myself ever thinking "that was a crazy time when I fancied that bloke 20 years older than me... What was I thinking?!" Think I could just shut up and put up with the lack of intimacy in my own relationship, if there wasn't this separate issue, of feeling so overwhelmingly attracted to someone else.

So the old(er) man is cheating on his wife to have an emotional affair with a younger woman he met through work. He doesn’t sound like a great catch, does he?

Block his number. Get back your self respect. Decide whether you want to continue with your relationship or not.

There is something very creepy about the fact that you look very young for your age and he's already 20 years older than you. Have a really good think about that. Also to think about whether a 55-year-old man could satisfy you sexually after the initial rush of excitement.

It's obvious to everybody here that you shouldn't marry your partner.

I don't actually know anything about his relationship, it hasn't been talked about... social media tells me he's married that's all. I don't know, my head is a mess. I know it's the unhappiness in my relationship that has probably fueled all this, and I'm not wanting a relationship with the om... But I do want to be with him intimately. I know that's awful to think that way, and I'm trying desperately not to. I'm at the stage now where I feel like my partner wouldn't even care if I slept with him (again, I'm not saying I would) just trying to explain the situation here. I'm drinking which I never do, I guess to try and numb it all for a bit.

@Hollowtalk, I don't think it's creepy at all. I'm not saying I look 12. I'm saying I haven't aged typically, and get mistaken for being in my 20's quite a bit, rather than mid/late 30's. I find many ages of people attractive, 20's, 30's, 40's and obviously beyond, I don't see what's wrong with that? Obviously there are parts of my situation that are "wrong" but the age gap, I don't think would be a problem if we were both single. Obviously we aren't, so at present the whole situation is a massive shit show. One I'm not proud of.

Been with current partner 15 years...

@onthedunes I wish I could take your advice, but as I said, I feel addicted to talking to him, and it seems impossible at the moment to even go a day not talking to him. Sounds so pathetic I know. I know taking a step back would stop this, but I guess that's the problem, I'm not ready to.

One is unfulfilling and the other is taken. You know what you need to do, though it's tough.

It's a shame you don't wan't to heed advice as I don't think all this will end well.

The problem is with just having this man for sex without a relationship is that more times than not women tend to deepen bonds when being intimate and end up having emotional feelings.

Your om may seem like an easy option and you may feel in control at the moment but if he doesnt want more I think your confidence will be badly effected. It's bad enough being rejected with a man your own age but 20 years older, that's gonna hurt.

This man has a lot to lose, his family, children (probably) and his wealth, he has his cooking, cleaning and all wifely duties being taken care of and you on the side for free, why would he want more, ie: you

You on the other hand would lose your partner, you are not married therefor not entitled to as much as a married person, this man will use you if you let him.
Think about your children's security.

Don't be fooled that what you both get out of this will be equal.

OP, no judgement from me.

I think you are younger than I am. All I can say is that I completely understand how you feel - and I also know that I would stick with a marriage which was anything other than 'horrendous'. I left one which was abusive (and did have an affair, which even XH can understand now).

Now that the DC are adults, I very much regret the fact that they don't have what I have had all my life - namely an intact family and a 'home' to go to for Christmas etc, etc, etc.

Obviously I couldn't remain married to someone who abused our children - but I would on balance settle for 'satisfactory' in a marriage, even if very big parts are lacking. Once you have children, you're kind of stuck with providing them with as near as you can to a stable home, even once they don't physically need it any more.

I sympathise with you 1000%, though.

[quote NotJustfriends]@onthedunes I wish I could take your advice, but as I said, I feel addicted to talking to him, and it seems impossible at the moment to even go a day not talking to him. Sounds so pathetic I know. I know taking a step back would stop this, but I guess that's the problem, I'm not ready to.[/quote]
Btw, this doesn't sound pathetic. Been there, done that.

Is that the same reason why the single women on MN have a reason they are single ?

Do they have cocks and male levels of testosterone? Then, no.

You say you wouldn't want to break up his marriage, wouldn't do that to another woman but it sounds like your communication with him is already more than typical for neutral work colleagues and at times flirtatious.. so if she saw those communications, she'd very likely be upset, angry etc .. it would cause them relationship problems. So you're already sort of interfering in their marriage, it's only her ignorance of facts that's stopping it from being a problem in their marriage.

How would you feel if your dh was communicating with another woman the way he is with you in 20 years time or whenever? Would you be happy happy it - then why be one side of it in someone else's marriage.

The fact that you only know he's married or attached from SM and presumably he never discusses it or her is another flag .. because your spouse or partner naturally crops up in conversation all the time, so he's purposely voiding her, as it were.

He sounds like he could escalate into.affaor territory rather easily, whether he'd actually leave his marriage... and you've said you don't want to be a party in break up a marriage.

He gives you attention (romantic/sexual) and makes you feel desirable and and you could have a good set life. Thats it. The rest is a mess.

You can get that with someone else, who's single.

Would your low sex drive, possibly asexual, prudish partner be open to a sexually open relationship? Im guessing not, even though he doesn't want to be part of a healthy two way sex life.

*sex life, obviously

Incidentally you're in fantasy land with this older bloke; no wonder he seems sext etc. You don't have to discuss mundane household issues or parenting, you don't have to put in loads of his dirty washing, you don't really know him - since you don't even know about his relationship, his family etc.

Its easy to fantasise about someone in those circumstances.

Also you imagine sex would be great big you can't know ... some people talk a good talk or seem a certain way and when they actually come yo have real sex, and a big disappointment or have all sorts of issues that the woman was going expecting. It might not even go how you imagine. Fantasy sex is always perfect and great, reality...

I wish I could take your advice, but as I said, I feel addicted to talking to him, and it seems impossible at the moment to even go a day not talking to him.

Dopamine.

That's all.

@WhiskeyGalore212

And even when I've told him before I feel sexually frustrated, he gets embarrassed even talking about it, and makes me feel like I'm some out of control animal demanding sex every day when that is so far from the case. Just makes me feel so unwanted and crap. He'll then be like "come on then, let's do it" but it just feels awful by that point and then he won't think to try again not during an argument. It will be a month or two down the line, when I finally crack and come on to him and have to work past the awkward, uneasy tenseness of him. Then when we do have sex, it's good, for both of us. It's just the whole unnatural build up to it.

I'm cringing even as an outsider; you poor thing.

Fwiw I'm in a sexless marriage and my dh (not old) doesn't even get hard if we cuddle etc. But I don't have any real urge to have sex with him so ...

Why is the OP a “poor thing”, and the older man lacking in loyalty and integrity? Shouldn’t they both be judged equally? Unbelievable double standard.

Poor thing referred to the secual rejection in her relationship.

Not her participation in what sounds like approaching an emotional affair. I made my views on that clear in posts on that topic... how would she feel if she was the wife in this scenario, she's already doing stuff that could damage their marriage etc.

See 21.57.

What a cruel woman you are.

The reality of the situation is that the OM's wife is probably going through meonopause, her husband is at mid life crises stage, one last kick and all that.

You state the reasons why you feel unloved and unapreciated in your marriage but can't seem to see what will be happening to her.

This man is old enough to be your dad and she old enough to be your mother. Whilst she should be enjoying her later years in security with peace of mind doing things like looking after grandchildren, she probably has a neglectful, moody, gult ridden arsehole of a husband who is making her feel like the least desirable woman on the planet.

She may not know you and what you are up to yet but mark my words she will have noticed a shift in her husbands affections and time.

What you say you are suffering with your partner pales into insignificance when you are twenty years older and find out that your husband has been sweet talking to a girl young enough to be his niece.

But hey he makes you feel special, attractive, interesting and beautiful.

You are unbelievably selfish and lacking in empathy and maturity.

Would you like this to happen to your own mother?

I guess not, but when you have others telling you to forgive yourself and "Be kind' you will carry on with the destruction of another womans life.

By the way this absolves him of nothing.

The two acts are quite separate to me, he is a cunt for having an affair and you are unethical for hurting another human being who at this present moment has not got the advantages that you have, namely time and youth.

Dreadful behaviour, I could have never done that to another woman let alone an older woman, not my style.

What a selfish woman you are. `