Older man

[NotJustfriends]

Please no one berate me for this, as I already feel bad enough, but looking for advice.
I'm in a long term relationship, and have young children. We're due to marry next year, and on the surface I thought everything was fine, until over the past couple of months, I seem to have fallen for a much older man. We have been messaging, mainly to do with a common interest, and it started completely innocent, but now I have developed feelings for him (and I think this is mutual), I know we must stop talking, but I'm finding it so difficult, and it seems to have made me realise the many flaws in my relationship. There has been alot of passive aggressiveness between my partner and I, and we don't seem to really get on most of the time. I must admit I am often grumpy and have a short fuse with him, which I think boils down to my own frustrations with the lack of sex and passion in our relationship. He's never been very affectionate or complimentary, and it does get me down. I'm not trying to blame him, or excuse myself, but these factors have played a big part in how I feel right now... It obviously feels nice to finally get attention and compliments from someone. What do I do? I was the one who pushed for the wedding, maybe out of desperation to "prove our love", and now I'm getting cold feet and keep thinking about how I'm not actually that happy. He's a good man, works hard, loves me and the kids, Nd on paper gives us a great life, but I genuinely don't think he sees me as anything more than the mother to his children, and cannot separate family life, from me and him as an intimate couple, so it just never happens. I have told him how I feel on numerous occasions and he does admit he doesn't show me enough attention, then he "tries harder" for a few days, but it feels so forced, it's just humiliating, and then it goes back to the same old situation, of me feeling sorry for myself. I've given up waiting for him to "come on" to me, and often try to take the lead, but he's so unreceptive, and dejects me time and time again, so again I'm left feeling like a fool, frustrated and fed up. I feel so torn on what to do. I'm not naïve, I don't think this "other man" is my knight in shining armour, here to whisk me away for a better life, but the thought of potentially one day becoming intimate with him, is the only thing keeping me smiling if I'm honest. It's become like an addiction talking to him, even about the most mundane of things. One of us will throw in an extremely subtle bit of flirtation and my heart is racing. I feel so terrible, and I know how wrong I am for even thinking about another man in this way, as my partner works so hard to provide an idyllic lifestyle for us. Feeling completely overwhelmed and lost right now.

“I feel so terrible, and I know how wrong I am for even thinking about another man in this way, as my partner works so hard to provide an idyllic lifestyle for us.”

Your original post is full of “I know this is wrong and I should stop this but.....”

Now that people have agreed with you, yep, it’s wrong, yep, you should stop doing this, you are not happy with their responses?

Now you seem to be defending yourself and even trying to suggest that his wife is no angel. Who knows? But it doesn’t matter. She’s married to him. He made vows to her. He’s breaking one and hiding it. It probably makes you feel better if you allow yourself to think she neglects him or stays out all night. Keep this line of thinking up and sooner or later the pair of you will start to believe she might actually deserve it or it serves her right. Nobody is perfect OP, but nobody deserves this.

You allow yourself to believe the words of a man who is already deceiving his wife by hiding his messages to you. He lies and deceives. You have the proof. But he wouldn’t do that to you, of course. You’re different, right? You two have such a connection, right? He’d lie to her but of course, not to you.

Wake up OP. He could be (and probably is) feeding you all and any kinds of bullshit because he’s enjoying the attention from a younger woman. You seem to think he’s such a nice guy, he’d never deceive you like that. He’s not a nice guy OP. He’s showing you his ‘nice’ guy routine for a reason. It’s not a very noble one.

You are clearly not getting what you wanted to hear from your post. It sounds like you just don’t want to stop what you are doing, you admit fantasising about a relationship with this man ‘keeps you smiling’. You feel awful about this but as you point out yourself, the reality is it feels so damn good that you don’t want to stop.

Until you decide to stop yourself, any advice here, good or bad, is worthless. At present unless advice lines up with what you want to hear, it will fall on deaf ears.

Ask his wife if your fantasising about having a relationship with her husband would keep her smiling. Ask him if he’d still be smiling if his wife found out what the two of you are doing behind her back. Would your partner smile about this?

Nobody is forcing you or him to do this. It is your choice. You can stop any time you want to. I don’t think you do yet. I honestly think you should. Nobody likes stopping doing something they enjoy, even when it’s bad for them. But being a responsible adult means that sometimes you have to, and if you can’t, at least be honest about it.

Believe me, nobody will still be smiling when the sparkly winged turd finally comes into contact with the blades of the fan. Nobody.

‘ He’s not a nice guy OP’

@Thewookiemustgo these are some of the most important and truest words spoken here.
OP , you need to print them in bold and put them by your bedside . Read them every morning and night and every time you consider answering his messages
It’s a shame you need people to explain this simple FACT to you

‘ “I feel so terrible, and I know how wrong I am for even thinking about another man in this way’

That’s your conscience speaking. Listen to it.

Your posts remind me of my sister. She believed what she had found was ‘true love’ and convinced herself that because it was ‘true love’ it was ok. There was lots of talk about ‘how they couldn’t help themselves’ and they ‘couldn’t help their FEELINGS’.

Absolute rubbish. As @Thewookiemustgo says your married man will NOT be smiling when he realises that he risks losing his marriage. He doesn’t necessarily see that at the moment but I could pretty much guarantee that he won’t be choosing you when shit hits the fan.

Focus on enhancing your relationship with your partner. Seek counselling, spend more time together, focus on your relationship not messaging someone else. Or leave your relationship if it makes you unhappy. But don’t invade someone else’s relationship just because you’re unhappy in yours.

Listen to your conscience. It’s the best guidance you will ever receive.

I’m not looking to start a relationship with him.

This is emotional infidelity. You and OM are already having an illicit relationship and are making fools of your partners. You are also betraying your children and destabilizing their home.

You have agency here, so stop diminishing yourself. Back away from this other woman’s husband. Sort out your relationship or end it with integrity.

@Thewookiemustgo Excellent post.

I think you're right Wookie I don't think she will end this. Maybe when this special thing the OM is doing for her ends so will the emotional affair.

It sounds like a tradesman affair, when the bathrooms finished maybe then.

@MsDogLady Always striaght to the point.

OP…you’d sleep with him if the situation arose. Let’s be honest here.

[quote NotJustfriends]@onthedunes I've met him through him being a client at my place of work, and we seemed to instantly have a connection. A situation came up where I was going to need to contact him directly, so we swapped numbers (probably the first mistake) and we've talked ever since. He organised something for me (can't really go into details) but it was a special "thing" he arranged for me through his workplace, which I was really grateful for, and since then we've talked daily. [/quote]
Was this special thing to help you out with your work? Does he stand to benefit at all from doing this special thing for you? I'm asking because I think you need to view this much more objectively. Is there a risk you are projecting your feelings of there being a 'connection' and wanting a physical relationship with him onto him ?

Ah just re-read that you speak to him every day! Perhaps you're not projecting onto him then.
Hasn't his wife noticed that he's speaking to you every day?!

Nice as it must feel the older man is not part of your future.

All he is is the way your brain found to alert you to the fact that marrying your OH isn't the right thing for you to do.

Listen to that voice and so all of that scary stuff before you marry. It'll be easier than doing it afterwards.

@Onthedunes I just decided my head was hurting from banging it against the brick wall. Also agreed about @MsDogLady. Always envious that you manage to say everything it takes me ages to say in a couple of sentences. 😂

I'm amazed you'd believe a word out of his mouth.

It's straight out of the playbook, my wife doesn't understand me, my wife won't sleep with me, she stays out overnight, blah, blah. Any or none of those may be true but why would you believe someone that prepared to emotionally cheat on his wife with you?

You're trying to justify what you're doing and it's not OK. If you aren't happy in your relationship, do something about that.

Do you really think having any type of affair will end in happiness for anyone involved? There will always be casualties and someone that will need to live with the devastation you will leave in your wake.

It sounds like you need to end it with both men.

Yes, I do mean that.

You've left your DP emotionally already, so may as well complete the job and leave you both free to find someone else.

But that doesn't mean you should leap straight at the OM. He is able to take advantage of your unhappiness right now, and you have constructed a huge fantasy around him. And that's it - fantasy. Not real life and not the basis for a good relationship.

I think you would benefit from being single for a year or so, working out who you are and what direction you want your ur life to move in. Then, if that includes a partner, be open to meeting someone. The man you have fixated on during a bad patch is not necessarily going to be the one that you would choose once you are in a good place

@NotJustfriends a virtually textbook recount of my lived experience. Except I am not you in your scenario, I am the wife (although I do not stay out overnight! That does sound very strange. Is he lying to make you feel sorry for him?).
Everything @Onthedunes states is true.
This will not end well unless you end your fantasy now.
You'll probably only understand when you're post-menopausal and whoever you end up with ends up making a 'connection' with a woman who is twenty years younger than him.

I've met him through him being a client at my place of work

But of practical advice, dust off your CV now, so it's ready for when the shit hits the fan

You are following the terribly common 'baby steps' script into an affair.

You have a basic choice of continuing down that path, or not.

Starting threads to talk about The Situation just fuels the drama.

So whilst you are showing no signs of taking action to break it off, the best thing you can do is prepare for the consequences. Is recruitment buoyant in your sector? Because this will very easily muck up your career as well as your home life

Incredible how responders here express concern for the older man's wife - only by managing to not believe the information that perhaps their relationship is estranged. To summarise - Older man is cheating and not to be trusted (although OP is too) he is probably lying about his wife (because we feel sorry for her) and so it's a bad idea. Leaving OP to think - well if he isn't lying about his marriage - and I'm as bad as he is as regards cheating- then where's the problem?
OP your actual partner and children will be devastated by this. Their lives will change forever-whatever the problems in your relationship- you are betraying your DPs trust - and this will affect every other relationship he has for the rest of his life. And if/when your children discover an affair caused you to separate-it will affect thier perceptions of you, their family and their future relationships.
OP in truth- although you've crossed a line, most of what is going on is in your head, in your fantasies and in your feelings and desires. It's not yet a full blown affair. So listen to what your feelings are telling you. That you don't want your current relationship to be long term because you long for something different. You either change your relationship or separate...as amicably as possible, without being caught in the arms if your older lover!
Talk to your DP - the man who has neglected your needs because he doesn't understand these needs are not preferences- they are deal breakers for you. Stop the wedding plans and talk now about how you feel, what you need, and why your relationship won't last the distance. Good luck OP

If you were a blokw writing this, you would be absolutely slated. I have neen on the receiving end of infidelity and nearly lost my life over it. The betrayal causes mental health problems akin to trauma. You are being manipulated. You are also deluding yourself by minimising your behaviour. You are being selfish. Your behaviour is actually quite disgraceful.

For anyone who has been on the receiving end of this kind of situation, and hugs for you.

Reading this must be so triggering.

How anyone can treat another human being with such disregard I don’t know. Their lack of self-respect and integrity is staggering.

Perhaps everyone would be up for an open relationship. Show all your messages to your partner and get OM to show all your messages to his wife. Sit back and watch chaos begin. You're loving the attention but you are being totally deceitful. You need to stop being so selfish. Sort your relationship out with your partner...the father of your children. Looks highly likely that you will be separating from him in the not too distant future and you need to focus more on that. Where will you live, how will you support yourself and your children. Think about the hurt and upset that they are going to face. Get your head out of the sand. You want attention...you"re loving it but for goodness sake get a grip. Sort out the serious issues that need to be faced rather than sneaking around risking a great deal of hurt for other people. If on the other hand everyone is up for an open relationship then you could have your cake and eat it. I think the odds of that would be similar to winning the lottery jackpot though.

OP, I think this other chap has simply brought your problems with your partner into focus.
Your gut instinct is desperately trying to tell you not to marry him, and this entanglement with the older man is your subconscious mind, looking for an exit strategy.
You should listen to the rationale as far as cancelling the marriage, but recognise the older chap is just a symptom, not a solution.
As PPs have said, you need to separate from both these unsuitable men, take time to heal on your own, then start dating more suitable and available single men nearer your own age, with a compatible sex drive.

@AuntieStella

It sounds like you need to end it with both men.

Yes, I do mean that.

You've left your DP emotionally already, so may as well complete the job and leave you both free to find someone else.

But that doesn't mean you should leap straight at the OM. He is able to take advantage of your unhappiness right now, and you have constructed a huge fantasy around him. And that's it - fantasy. Not real life and not the basis for a good relationship.

I think you would benefit from being single for a year or so, working out who you are and what direction you want your ur life to move in. Then, if that includes a partner, be open to meeting someone. The man you have fixated on during a bad patch is not necessarily going to be the one that you would choose once you are in a good place

This...100%

With the best will in the world, you don't really know this OM, no matter how much you think you do, and I say that as someone who has been in a similar position (but without the existing partners) with a guy I met online.

He was a lovely fantasy but ultimately I had to acknowledge that my feelings were for the person he presented himself as, not who he actually was.

Stop talking to OM.
Have a really good talk with your partner if you think there's something there worth saving, and if it can't be done, you need to leave and take some time out for yourself before moving on to a new relationship (if that's what you ultimately want) with someone 'real' who is genuinely available to you.

Hi op.

Your relationship is struggling and you have fallen for the first but of attention you got. OM isn't the answer. Decide what you want to do with your relationship and then if you break it off then be by yourself for a bit and then start dating. You're young and have plenty of time.

Rushing into something will just mean a higher chance of making another mistake and why give up a relationship with the father of your kids albeit bad for another bad relationship?

@Seadad totally agree with you about the main point being what OP is doing to her partner and the huge risk of devastation for her family. A very good point which has been somewhat blurred in the discussions about OM’s wife.

“Incredible here that responders express concern for the older man’s wife”.

Based on a lot of responders’ experiences, sadly, no, not incredible at all. There are no excuses for cheating. An alternative to OP’s viewpoint was offered which was hardly incredible as it could be equally valid. I agree with you that other posters (myself included) based their posts on assumptions, however they are also based on a fact. The affair is a secret therefore he is definitely lying either directly or by omission. Therefore he could be lying about anything. OP’s assumptions and the situation she presents to us are based on the fact that she is trusting a proven liar.
If they are in an open relationship, then the marriage boundaries have been mutually agreed on and there’s no problem, it’s not cheating, no need to sympathise with his wife. OP does not seem to think this is the case. OP and OM are both having to lie about their relationship. I know who I feel most sorry for.

OP, re-read what Seadad has written and look closer to home. Whether OM is lying about his wife or not is irrelevant to your family. Unless you stop this, those you love and those who look to you for protection and stability will be devastatingly hurt and could suffer mental health problems for a long time. Your ‘nice guy’ OM is about to do the same to his family and whilst that’s his choice, you have agency here as you are actively helping him.

“Incredible here that responders express concern for the older man’s wife”

I think that’s because the OP won’t be thinking at all about the OP’s wife. The OP will be thinking about herself, the OM and a bit about her own partner. She’s unlikely to be giving thought to the OM’s marriage, the fact he isn’t free to be in a relationship with her or the fact that shit is likely to hit the fan at some point. In my experience people who have affairs don’t think about the consequences. They are caught up in the moment. That’s why so many posters are reminding her of the bigger picture.

OP is absorbed by her feelings for the OM which provides a distraction from the issues she is not dealing with at home.

It’s distraction, it’s fantasy but it’s not real. There is a lot to lose for everyone involved and actually precious little to be gained.

[quote Mummyford]@NotJustfriends

I'm slightly confused. If you only know he's married from social media, how do you know that his wife is rarely home and often spends the night away?

On the main topic- I can't see this ending happily for anyone involved unless you step away from both relationships and figure things out.[/quote]
I was confused by that too. OP said that the OM's relationship was never talked about, yet OP seems to 'know' certain things.
I had wondered if OP had inferred that his wife stays out nights, but I couldn't see how she would infer this unless she'd noticed the wife's car missing from the drive or something like that?
OP must have been fed this information by a third party, I think?
Something doesn't add up with this story.

I don't think op will be back, I think she expected tea and sympathy with her post reguarding her sex life.

Op you seem unwilling to listen but thats up to you, I doubt you will stop until the shit hits the fan but hopefully you will have taken on board that there are others to consider, not just yourself.