To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

[Ladiesfirstplease]

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

He doesn't sound great in bed :-/

[quote Ladiesfirstplease]@Hankunamatata it had crossed my mind, but so early in the relationship? This is going to sound ridiculous, but would a therapist actually create the desire in him to want to satisfy me as part of sex?[/quote]
Of course not.
This is just how he is. He is a crap lover. Nothing is going to change that.

40? Definitely end it- there are millions of people out there who aren't this selfish. I know it will be difficult getting him to move out again, so I wish you all the best with that.

As this has been moved to the sex topic I shall ask how much experience you have of pleasuring yourself (oh god, now I sound like a grim peeve, v sorry)
Can you make yourself climax without a vibrator? Learning to to do that seems like a good idea (because I'm guessing you can't give yourself oral sex for twenty minutes!) There are numerous links on this board for things like guided masturbation and sites like Oh yes etc

I wish you all the best
(I'd have flipped for him taking over my office tbh )

If nothing else op you can have a laugh at the thought that some people think there are teenage boys getting their rocks off making up stuff like this on Mumsnet, rather than just looking at an internet that's full of porn.

@Needapoodle

If nothing else op you can have a laugh at the thought that some people think there are teenage boys getting their rocks off making up stuff like this on Mumsnet, rather than just looking at an internet that's full of porn.

Exactly!!!! I mean, come on.

Can creepy trolls and teen boys not access the sex topic?

Regardless, I just couldn’t keep on with him now. I think rather than a sexual issue, it’s that he’s exposed quite a horrible facet of his personality, which is that he’s selfish and doesn’t really care if you enjoy sex. No matter what you do to coax him into not being selfish, that part of him will always be there and will surface in other ways.

He does not appear to be of the mindset that sex is something shared. It seems his thought process is that sex is something a woman gives to a man and wham bam. Maybe not even a thank you mam. It’s totally unacceptable. And changing how people think is difficult. A casual encounter with someone the OP met that day could be more passionate and fulfilling.

I was once described as “shitty” on these very pages because I said that I would have a little conversation with someone before l had sex with them. I want assurance that they will go down on me for example, and condom, no exceptions, otherwise they do not get the bed invite. Some mocked me about a formal pre-sex interview, it’s not like that at all, it’s a little chat during a kiss and a cuddle. But it might have prevented the situation the OP is now in.

And of course, always consent. Not someone deciding to come at you with the equivalent of a battering ram out of the blue! It’s not on.

@Ladiesfirstplease - I am (obviously) a male poster, but hopefully can offer some insight..

I'm nearly 60, and take the little blue pill, more as a "safety net" than as a matter of course. It does take between 30 - 60 minutes to be fully effective, and remains in the blood stream for about four hours.

None of that is a reason to ignore your pleasure.

It may well just be me (I'm sure it isn't) , but, my XW didn't want me to touch her at all (one of the reasons for our divorce), so if I get the opportunity to explore a woman's body, and help with orgasams, then I absolutely do so - I can't imagine just a "wham bam thank you mam" situation ever happening - that would be all about me, and that's not how a relationship should work.

He needs to realise that there are two of you involved in the relationship, and that your needs are as important as his. If he can't understand or accept that, then maybe it's time to move on.

This is disgustingly. I have to be honest I would feel violated. You aren't a sex toy you're a human being!
I've had 2 long term partners and a few one night stands, and even most of the ONS made sure I orgasmed too!
I have never faked an orgasm or pretended to enjoy sex. Sex is meant to be mutual and how any man can do that when they know full well the woman isn't satisfied is beyond me.
I would leave him I'm sorry, especially if you've already spoken about it and he hasn't changed at all!

Ooh I just saw what you posted last night I missed that bit sorry!
I hope it goes well today!

Just sounds like excuse making on his behalf. The want to easier a partner should come natural. You cant " work on it " op when majority of the problem lies with him. Your 40 not 70. Dont put yourself up for a lifelong sentence of being unsatisfied. It will turn into resentment and no one deserves that. Accepting you're not compatible and leaving will be easier sooner rather than later. Trapping yourself in a dead end situation just makes it hard to go because you end up investing(wasting) time waiting for someone to change. Goodluck to your partner. I know very little women that would actually be happy or okay with that mentality in bed regardless if he is great in other departments.

Sex to me is a major part of a relationship. Especially for a woman because it is easy for ot to start feeling like a chore or very intrusive for us if we arent related with respect and equality during it. There is nothing bigger than allowing someone access to your body in that way and if its always a take thing and no give you'll end up feeling used and less interested in sex. Your partner is selfish and you know.

Live by your own standards op. You said yourself if your dp wasnt feeling pleasured in the bedroom you would try to go above and beyond to make sure he was. So expect that for yourself and dont settle for any less. That's what you deserve!

Sorry for all the spelling mistakes I'm typing on a tiny keyboard but I hope you get the gist

We've now moved this to Relationships, @Ladiesfirstplease

I’ve been thinking about his pills he’s waiting on it taking effect apparently and wham bam thank Mam commences.

That’s not how they work surely unless he’s waiting hours then coming at you.

Which is all wrong.

So in the beginning did he preform oral then change the Way he approached how he’d have sex? I’m thinking this was to reel you in.

Time to bin him off me thinks

I hope you stand your ground OP.

I also think you should take back your office.

Him stealing her office has made me more cross than the crap sex!
(I've been WFH for 15mo- no-one touches my sacred office space!)
on your behalf @Ladiesfirstplease
I do hope he can have a rational discussion with you today

I don’t think you are being unreasonable - sex is important and should work for both of you.

Whatever your decision on the relationship, tell him to google shockwave therapy for ED. Might help him get off the pills and be able to be more natural and relaxed.

I’ve been with men who use tablets, l just see it as a recreational drug. That does not provide an excuse for this!

This doesn't solve the relationship problem or the incompatibility, but EP is considered normal for men of a certain age and happens naturally for men in their forties upwards, as far as I know, and men up to 70 and maybe beyond can be helped considerably by taking certain supplements from reputable online suppliers - the pills often need to be taken daily, and so the OP's partner might not be taking them correctly - or he needs a different kind - taking them regularly means the man gets back the control to get speedy hard ons whenever they like.

Again not the point of the thread, but you can get g spot orgasms from missionary position penetriative sex fairly easily if the man is low enough so that g spot is touched every thrust....I know this isn't point of thread though.

So we've had the chat at length...
He's accepted that he could and should do more for me. His last relationship was 11 years and his ex didn't like sex, he says from their first encounter she pushed him away from even looking down there because she was insecure about her parts. They didn't have sex for the last 5 years of their relationship. He says he tried to tell her she was beautiful etc but it fell on deaf ears. So they stayed together for the sake of it and he reverted to his hand and porn...where there is rarely foreplay. We are going to try and work on things. I have said that sex needs to be us both enjoying and exploring each other. He agrees. I've also said I would like to to orgasm at any opportunity we have sex, by whatever means.
I've also suggested the idea that we 'play' while his tablet is taking effect. He is on board with this.
For all his stupidity, I believe that he is a good guy and we're going to try to do this together. As he has said, it would be boring if a relationship was all plain sailing. He's also said relationships need work, he's right. He also said he's acting like a teenager having sex because he is so out of practice...I can't disagree.
I've made clear that will it be a deal breaker if things don't change.
Wish me luck!

No wonder his ex didn't like sex. He is a selfish lover.

As he has said, it would be boring if a relationship was all plain sailing. He's also said relationships need work, he's right

Why do you agree with these statements? Investment and nurturing yes, work and drama absolutely not.

Sex can be an issue in itself, obviously, but it can also become an issue as it becomes symptomatic of other problems in a relationship and in this case it sounds like a basic lack of care, consideration and interest in your happiness and satisfaction on his part.

It’s good you’ve talked and you seem to feel optimistic but I’d be cautious and have a mental timeframe in place. His defence of acting like a teenager - which he thinks is justification for being repeatedly selfish and treating you as a tool for his pleasure?! - doesn’t bode well. He’s not a teenager and even if he was, he must know this isn’t how people behave towards partners they’re supposed to care for and cherish yet he does it anyway.

Why is he consistently saying he isn't interested in being intimate with you after he has had sex with you? Even though you are apparently almost pleading with him? If that is happening it indicates he does not genuinely see this relationship as more than just sex? This is not explained by his first relationship. In fact it may give a hint about why there was no sex in the last 5 years of the relationship.

If I take for gospel what he's saying, then it's because he's been pushed away for years and told not to go near the lady parts. So he's trained himself not to go there, not to even look. Porn has just reiterated that **ing is the way to go.

I was so very near ending things this evening. I've said this is the last opportunity for him to turn things around.

He is great in all other aspects, so I think he deserves the benefit of my doubt. And believe me, there is lots of doubt. I've spelled things out in no uncertain terms. I can see how 11 years of being encouraged not to look at a vagina, can sway a man into thinking that's OK. I just hope he's being truthful and not wasting my time

Are you sure he doesn't have a porn obsession? That can cause ed