To introduce a ladies first to our sex life??

[Ladiesfirstplease]

So... (20 month relationship).

We have had several conversations about the fact that in I need oral sex to orgasm, just the way I work. Or a vibe would work, but prefer the intimacy of oral. Could be both, I'm not overly fussed at this point! DP can do this brilliantly for me in around 15/20 mins.

DPsuffers from ED, he takes a pill and then comes at me with his todger with a matter of urgency only Speedy Gonzales could rival. And then leaves me high and dry. This happens most times. I'm lucky if I get a 5 min warm up.

My pleasure is a seperate matter that I have to ask for...and he won't do it if he's shot his load in me. So mostly out of the question. I'd say for every 6 times he gets off, I get once. Mostly at a separate time to us being intimate alltogether. It feels like a job to tick off of his 'to do' list, and I usually have to ask outright when I'm about to explode.

Things came to a head last night. I told him I was very horny on Tuesday (nothing for me for a couple of weeks). That was ignored. He took a pill last night and came at me, I turned him down and asked him to satisfy me first. This ended in a heated debate where he appeared amazed that I wanted satisfying, I said I needed more from him and was fed up with it all.

I have tried to be understanding re the ED, but I can't visualise my sex life to be like this forever, I'm gagging. We're now not talking.

So AIBU for thinking of suggesting a ladies come first only policy? Unless it's a quicky and I'm happy with that? I don't want to be **ed anymore, with nothing but that in it for me.

I couldn't deal with this... especially not after just 20 months. Taking the pill and coming at you, expecting you to suddenly be ready to perform? That doesn't sit right with me.

He also doesn't seem to care about your feelings.

The only thing I can suggest is that you try and get in the zone together. Kissing, foreplay etc. He takes the pill while you're doing this so it's kind of part of the foreplay.

I'm not sure I would even bother trying this. His attitude and lack of care for you is deeply unattractive.

This is a relationship issue, not really a sex issue!
It's discussing sexual techniques in detail, which is fine but not in AIBU.
It will be catnip for creepy men and assorted trolls if it stays here overnight.

That's why we have a sex topic.

@LivMumsnet

Evening all - we're going to shift this one over to the Sex topic now. Thanks.

Why??

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Not biting but takes the time to comment and troll hunt instead of just reporting.

Next time he comes to you after he's taken his pill. Lay him down flat, and sit on his face. Your back to his feet and stay there until you are satisfied. His pill would have worn off. You've been satisfied and he gets a taste of him own unsatisfied selfishness.

Next time have mutual sex. If he's still not doing the job the next couple of pills you sit on his face again.

See if you can train him that way 😂 some people learn more through actions afterall.

Also be weary of overuse of the vibrator. Too much use can develop that same problem blokes have with porn and a hand shandy. Although it's fun trying to resolve this it can also become an annoying issue.

The more you write about him, the more sub-standard he seems, @Ladiesfirstplease.

You can do better. Being single is doing better.

@Ladiesfirstplease - happy to shift it to Relationships for you if you'd prefer it there? We just didn't think that AIBU was the right place for it. tbh. Let us know which topic you'd prefer.

@ShotHisLoadInMe that made me lol, thank you, much needed! Everyone is right of course, in what they're saying. I am seriously considering ending things, it's not like we've not been here before and discussed the life out of it

@LivMumsnet I don't mind, whatever people think. Obviously don't want to offend anyone, makes no odds to me

It’s a relationship issue, with crap sex as a mere symptom, surely.

[quote smokeball]@BuffySummersReportingforSanity
Oh, fuck off. God forbid a woman might want to receive satisfaction herself during sex; no, she must only want to be accepting and giving as she makes looooooove to her man
I didn't say there was anything wrong with just sex or wanting satisfaction, i was saying that it sounded like it was just about that and not to do with making love, neither of them. The two things are different, neither are bad! Fuck off yourself!!!![/quote]
Any desire to make love is probably destroyed by his complete lack of interest in making love to her, as displayed by any interest whatsoever in making her come. If it isn't about "making love" to your standards, it's because of his behaviour, not hers.

He sounds like a teen boy with no sex experience. If you feel everything is great otherwise in your relationship would he consider a sex therapist?

Chuck him back in the pond and get a new fish FFS.

OP I think that because of how you have posted here you will get a string of "LTB and fuck off to anyone who disagrees" and that is it. If you want genuine advice it might be worth starting a new thread with a slightly differently worded first post

@LimeRedBanana

It’s a relationship issue, with crap sex as a mere symptom, surely.

I probably shouldn't be laughing 🤣. But yes, you are right.

@Hankunamatata it had crossed my mind, but so early in the relationship? This is going to sound ridiculous, but would a therapist actually create the desire in him to want to satisfy me as part of sex?

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity
Any desire to make love is probably destroyed by his complete lack of interest in making love to her, as displayed by any interest whatsoever in making her come. If it isn't about "making love" to your standards, it's because of his behaviour, not hers you misread what I wrote, and I do take offence at being told to fuck off, strangely enough. Good luck to you.

@maddy68

Why ladies first ? You find it what works for you you may well find his Ed corrects itself over time. But does it matter who comes first ?

It's in the OP. Once he's ejaculated that's it. Finished, Goodnight.

She knows what works for her, she's told him what works for her, but he doesn't want to make it part of his sexual experience with and seems to be thinking the nights he pops a pill (with no discussion) he gets to go to the OP and expect her to open her legs for him as it's all about his organs , he ejaculates and then that's it done, and then he now gets annoyed that she's "no thanks" when she doesn't want sex.

[quote Ladiesfirstplease]@Hankunamatata it had crossed my mind, but so early in the relationship? This is going to sound ridiculous, but would a therapist actually create the desire in him to want to satisfy me as part of sex?[/quote]
I suppose I'm wondering if he has a complete lack of sexual knowledge or just selfish

I'm off to bed, will be awkward I'm sure. Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. Thank you for the people who have made me giggle. Not looking forward to the conversation tomorrow, it's going to be very strange explaining to a fully grown man that unless he bucks up his ideas (which seems coercive and unsexy), then I will be resuming my happy single life. I have a feeling deep down that this is not going to end well. Thank you all, has saved me from an evening of feeling lonely! X

He sounds crap OP- impotence/bad penetrative sex and lack of oral. Bad combination- no woman would be happy, whatever she enjoyed.

Impotence is something that can be dealt with if it happens with someone you've been with for quite a while. If it's from the get-go it's more depressing/uninspiring IMHO.

IDK if others have mentioned it but a vibrating hollow strap on can be pretty good as both the man and woman can enjoy it. Something like www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/strap-ons/strap-on-harnesses-kits/p/lovehoney-perfect-partner-10-function-vibrating-strap-on-6-inch/a35671g72306.html but if he can't even be bothered with a cock ring then you mightn't have much luck getting him to use it.

I mean, he seems to get what he wants from the current state of play.

I think you would stop being attracted to him due to his unappealing attempts at sex @Ladiesfirstplease . The shove-it-in-and-cum approach sounds so unerotic for a woman if you aren't getting anything much from it yourself.

I'm 44 BTW, I'm very aware that this problem will become even more common in men we might start to date in a few years' time.

So we need to find good, reliable sex with a man who can provide it. Grab it with both hands.

At least you've got your head screwed on op! You know this isn't going to get better. Plus he's taken over your office! What??!!?! Cheeky bugger.

@Puffalicious

YABU for saying 'shot his load in me'. A horrid expression - perhaps this reflects how you see the sex? Yes, he's selfish, but tbh 20 minutes is a long time to be performing oral. I know I'm uncomfortable/ bored/ anxious to get to the end by 10 minutes! Can you self pleasure sometimes whilst he kisses you afterwards?

And, yes, there's a sex topic.

Lots of women take more than 20 minutes to orgasm from oral sex. If it takes that long it takes that long! If he struggles to do it for 20 minutes he could use a vibrator first and then switch but again if that's how long it takes then that's how long it takes!

[quote Ladiesfirstplease]@Hankunamatata it had crossed my mind, but so early in the relationship? This is going to sound ridiculous, but would a therapist actually create the desire in him to want to satisfy me as part of sex?[/quote]
You mentioned earlier that he didn't want you to know he took a pill because it dented his confidence or something like that.

Well if he's so worried about his confidence then he should be eager to please you in other ways, it would boost his confidence to know that he can make you orgasm even if he has ED.

He just sounds like he's lazy or doesn't care.